How do you handle Backlash?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
How do you handle Backlash?
Even before I started Al-anon, I had begun to detach from my AH by not doing things with him. I stopped going out with him completely (unless it was a family event), I stopped doing things just because he wanted me to, I had pretty much cut myself off socially from he and his friends.
The last step I have started to take is not to say anything to him about his behaviors and/or drinking, except to ask him not to come near me or try to talk to me when he is drinking. I don't show my discontent or my anger...I FEEL IT for sure but I haven't showed it (which has been really really difficult for me because I'm a hot head and no one could ever push my buttons like this man.)
The problem right now is I am starting to feel the backlash. The backlash has been a combination of him trying to make me feel guilty for pushing him away and for not speaking to him while he's drinking. He is the master of the guilt trip trust me.
I guess I never realized how dependant he is on me. I feel in a way that I am being cruel but I think I feel that way because I am allowing him to make me feel that way. How do you get past that?
The last step I have started to take is not to say anything to him about his behaviors and/or drinking, except to ask him not to come near me or try to talk to me when he is drinking. I don't show my discontent or my anger...I FEEL IT for sure but I haven't showed it (which has been really really difficult for me because I'm a hot head and no one could ever push my buttons like this man.)
The problem right now is I am starting to feel the backlash. The backlash has been a combination of him trying to make me feel guilty for pushing him away and for not speaking to him while he's drinking. He is the master of the guilt trip trust me.
I guess I never realized how dependant he is on me. I feel in a way that I am being cruel but I think I feel that way because I am allowing him to make me feel that way. How do you get past that?
Member
Join Date: Jan 2003
Posts: 4,955
Oh, they just want to have their
cake and eat it too. Nothing is ever good enough for these people of the lie. They are either complaining because we are nagging at them, or complaining because we have detached and they aren't getting enough attention. I think you have let him know quite clearly and rationally, when you are willing to spend time with him and when you aren't. The rest is up to him.
Peace,
Gabe
Peace,
Gabe
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
I agree with Gabe here and have found that we don't have to take ownership of their behaviour. We don't have to participate in the chaos. The best thing we can do is to take very special care of ourselves and make sure that our needs are met.
I got past that by working the steps and learning to love myself, regardless of how anyone else was doing.
Hugs
Ann
I got past that by working the steps and learning to love myself, regardless of how anyone else was doing.
Hugs
Ann
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Gabe hit is right on the head....nothing makes them happy.
Keep working on you and making you happy....you are doing great and I know what you mean about not showing what you are feeling.....that it REALLY hard.
Constant
Keep working on you and making you happy....you are doing great and I know what you mean about not showing what you are feeling.....that it REALLY hard.
Constant
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: New England
Posts: 17
I am going through the same thing. I told my husband that when he drinks I do not wish to be around him.I told him the second I hear that first can open I am going on the computer or to do housework or whatever and not to expect me to pay him any mind. I told him not to pick me up at work anymore. I avoid social functions that we are both invited to. I wont even sleep in the same room with him. I told him his drinking not only repulses me but it embarasses me as well. If he wants to drink and make a fool of himself I wont be a party to it. I used to feel guilty for ignoring him so much but then I thought about it...did he care even a little bit when he would embarass the heck out of me at gatherings? at home when we had company? when he showed up at my work to walk me home? No! So why should I care if his feelings are hurt? Being with this man has made me a very cold woman, but he deserves nothing else.
Do what you have to do to make yerself happy. That's what he is doing for himself.
Do what you have to do to make yerself happy. That's what he is doing for himself.
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
Funny, I was going to post the same question....
I detached myself from my husband within the last month. Now he is feeling hurt and angry, because he says there is nothing he can do to make me happy. He asks me why I married him and how can I be so disgusted with him all of a sudden.
The problem is the trust is gone. I've heard too many times that he will quit drinking only to begin a few weeks later. He says that's because during the time he didn't drink, I didn't change.
I think it's because there isn't anything I could do during those periods to help him not want to drink. He is so unhappy inside, and there is nothing I can do about it. He has to get help himself and want to fix what's inside.
So as the years have gone by, my detachment even between the drinking rounds has increased until now I just don't care anymore. He's not getting help and when he doesn't drink he's still miserable to be around. I can't get close to him no matter what I do and now I'm not even sure if I want to be close to him because I know I will just get hurt again. I don't trust him.
Yesterday and last night all I heard was how this was all my fault and how horrible he feels about himself because no one wants to love him. I heard how his mom kicked him out of the house, how his first wife didn't like him and now me.
I kept my cool, though, during this heat. I hardly said a word. I just let him go and say what was on his mind. It doesn't change how I feel, and what's the point in getting into a shouting match. Nothing I say will make him change his mind and see the light. He's so far into the darkness, I don't know what will get him out.
I am determined not to feel guilty, after all, he's hurting now, but I have been hurting for many years. Why doesn't that count for anything?
Hang in there!! Remember you can only make yourself happy. You can't worry about what he says. He is incapable right now of seeing the truth.
Hugs,
Kitkat
I detached myself from my husband within the last month. Now he is feeling hurt and angry, because he says there is nothing he can do to make me happy. He asks me why I married him and how can I be so disgusted with him all of a sudden.
The problem is the trust is gone. I've heard too many times that he will quit drinking only to begin a few weeks later. He says that's because during the time he didn't drink, I didn't change.
I think it's because there isn't anything I could do during those periods to help him not want to drink. He is so unhappy inside, and there is nothing I can do about it. He has to get help himself and want to fix what's inside.
So as the years have gone by, my detachment even between the drinking rounds has increased until now I just don't care anymore. He's not getting help and when he doesn't drink he's still miserable to be around. I can't get close to him no matter what I do and now I'm not even sure if I want to be close to him because I know I will just get hurt again. I don't trust him.
Yesterday and last night all I heard was how this was all my fault and how horrible he feels about himself because no one wants to love him. I heard how his mom kicked him out of the house, how his first wife didn't like him and now me.
I kept my cool, though, during this heat. I hardly said a word. I just let him go and say what was on his mind. It doesn't change how I feel, and what's the point in getting into a shouting match. Nothing I say will make him change his mind and see the light. He's so far into the darkness, I don't know what will get him out.
I am determined not to feel guilty, after all, he's hurting now, but I have been hurting for many years. Why doesn't that count for anything?
Hang in there!! Remember you can only make yourself happy. You can't worry about what he says. He is incapable right now of seeing the truth.
Hugs,
Kitkat
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: New England
Posts: 17
Kat
Lastnight my husband laid that same trip on me, saying how no one wanted him...his ex wife and now me. He blamed his drinking on me saying that I don't ever want to do anything so the only thing he has that he can do is drink. He complains cuz he has no friends...well that is not my fault. No one can stand to be around him because he's a bumbling idiot when he's drunk! I, like you did not blow up. I simply told him no, I don't want to do anything with you because everything you want to do involves a bar. I swear I will never step into another club again as long as I live after this experience...
Lastnight my husband laid that same trip on me, saying how no one wanted him...his ex wife and now me. He blamed his drinking on me saying that I don't ever want to do anything so the only thing he has that he can do is drink. He complains cuz he has no friends...well that is not my fault. No one can stand to be around him because he's a bumbling idiot when he's drunk! I, like you did not blow up. I simply told him no, I don't want to do anything with you because everything you want to do involves a bar. I swear I will never step into another club again as long as I live after this experience...
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Originally posted by kitkat
Now he is feeling hurt and angry, because he says there is nothing he can do to make me happy
Now he is feeling hurt and angry, because he says there is nothing he can do to make me happy
Can you say "MANIPULATION?"
It is the alcoholics primary tool.
The way you get past the guilt is remembering that what you are asking for is the NORM for most people. You, me, everybody on this board, and most people go through life without the aid of substance abuse. You are asking that he not expose you to the substance abuse, and further ask that he engage in a healthy relationship with you -- THESE ARE LEGITIMATE REQUESTS.
The quote above sounds like the same thing my AH said all the time. It is loaded with tons of self-pity. They try so hard to find anything that they can do to please us, rather than the ONE THING WE ASK FOR - SOBRIETY.
I used to get guilty about him doing all these things to try to please me.... now I realize that it was all manipulation to get me to shut up about the one thing he could never give up.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2002
Location: georgia
Posts: 531
Kit,
"He says that's because during the time he didn't drink, I didn't change."
Eyes is right and the statement above is just another way of blaming someone other than himself. We have no control over them or what they do.
It is amazing how they can twist everything into someone else's fault and make them feel guilty about it. It is universal they just do it in different ways.
Constant
"He says that's because during the time he didn't drink, I didn't change."
Eyes is right and the statement above is just another way of blaming someone other than himself. We have no control over them or what they do.
It is amazing how they can twist everything into someone else's fault and make them feel guilty about it. It is universal they just do it in different ways.
Constant
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: TX
Posts: 45
thanks eyes open, you make so much sense to me. Today I told my mother about my pretend life...this was very hard, she has always told me that I'm the only sane one of all seven sibs. This because I keep my embarassing life hidden. My motto is "Put Up Or Shut Up". Any way, I told her that I was going to detach from AH. She was speachless, and does not understand. He never worries about us when he's with his friends, he turns off his cell phone so he won't be bothered...If I have an emergency it will have to wait until gets home the next morn. He knows I'm stuck at home with my 2yr old and 10 yr old. He swears that there are no women at the bars he frequents "It's all men". Sure...
He loves to argue about something the kids have done or I forgot to do, then leaves saying "I have to go...I can't take it" You can't believe the number of times he has laid the guilt trip on me. "Well you when out with your mother 3 years ago to bingo" I hear that one over and over. I am not allowed to have fun. Just stay home. Work and my kids are all keeps me going.
Unfortunatly, I can not see myself with anyone else. I love him and this is my ruin. It hurts to love someone that doesn't care about you, only the beer.
He loves to argue about something the kids have done or I forgot to do, then leaves saying "I have to go...I can't take it" You can't believe the number of times he has laid the guilt trip on me. "Well you when out with your mother 3 years ago to bingo" I hear that one over and over. I am not allowed to have fun. Just stay home. Work and my kids are all keeps me going.
Unfortunatly, I can not see myself with anyone else. I love him and this is my ruin. It hurts to love someone that doesn't care about you, only the beer.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Cat Lover:
Someone on this site (can't remember who right now, I apologize) made the observation that love is a feeling. It's an emotion. Boy, did that help me bunches realizing that.
Every time I questioned whether the drinking was a problem, my AH would respond with "I love you". That one sentence would make me let go of protesting our situation.
Recovery from codependency is when we are finally able to hang onto our ability to reason (use common sense) while still admitting we love them. No longer being a slave to emotion is a major hurdle to getting well.
I hear what you say about finding someone else.... I don't know if I'll ever get into another romatic relationship -- but I have learned some things about myself that I hopefully won't repeat. Maybe that makes this whole sad thing worthwhile......
P.S. I recently lost my two 15-year old cats. They were born one week after our wedding. They died the month we separated. Figure that one out. Coincidence?
Someone on this site (can't remember who right now, I apologize) made the observation that love is a feeling. It's an emotion. Boy, did that help me bunches realizing that.
Every time I questioned whether the drinking was a problem, my AH would respond with "I love you". That one sentence would make me let go of protesting our situation.
Recovery from codependency is when we are finally able to hang onto our ability to reason (use common sense) while still admitting we love them. No longer being a slave to emotion is a major hurdle to getting well.
I hear what you say about finding someone else.... I don't know if I'll ever get into another romatic relationship -- but I have learned some things about myself that I hopefully won't repeat. Maybe that makes this whole sad thing worthwhile......
P.S. I recently lost my two 15-year old cats. They were born one week after our wedding. They died the month we separated. Figure that one out. Coincidence?
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Westchester Cty, New York
Posts: 7
It gets harder b/4 it gets easier...+
but sooner or later one of the 2 of you will get sick and tired of being sick and tired. When my active guy was still living at home the more I detached and did so w/love, the more he attacked. Consistency was key for me.
I cried alot. Went to alot of mtgs (including open AAs) and planned my future and learned to do things by myself. I tried not to stay stuck in it. Whatever I did I was going to hear it so why shouldn't I experience some degree of joy.
PSSS...Almost a year later nothing's changed for him. I feel the disappointment from the failure of the marriage but know that accecptance ODAAT is the way to go.
Best to you all,
:shades:
I cried alot. Went to alot of mtgs (including open AAs) and planned my future and learned to do things by myself. I tried not to stay stuck in it. Whatever I did I was going to hear it so why shouldn't I experience some degree of joy.
PSSS...Almost a year later nothing's changed for him. I feel the disappointment from the failure of the marriage but know that accecptance ODAAT is the way to go.
Best to you all,
:shades:
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: Baltimore,MD
Posts: 150
Thank you all for all of this. I needed validation for what I already knew was true. I just don't have enough time and experience under my belt yet to rationalize things the way most of you can, who've been recovering from codependance a lot longer.
He tugs very hard at my heart strings when he knows I am pulling away. He also definitely goes for the guilt and manipulation button but now, it has a short in it.
Today for instance, I called from work about something totally not related to he and I and our relationship and unfortunately, I had forgotten about an e-mail I sent him, basically trying to explain to him what my boundaries are. It's better for me to do it that way because he can't give me a rebuttle and I'm able to get my thoughts out without constant interruption. He was trying to give me that rebuttle on the phone today while I was working, even throwing things into the conversation that I did not say or bring up at all in my e-mail. It was quite the opposite actually. I was just telling him that I was responsible for me and that he can live any way he chooses but that my boundaries are not being around him while he's drinking, no longer blaming myself for the things he does, no longer feeling bad about myself because of him staying out and drinking, no longer treating him like a child and so on along those lines.
I knew he was really confused and that's why I did it. I was basically giving him information without emotions and opinions. Just the facts.
He pbviously didn't get it. HE was emotional and was turning the conversation on me as always so I had to abruptly end the conversation. The best part was that I was able to go directly back to work! Usually, I'll sit there at my desk and feel awful for at least 15 minutes or I have to get up and go clear my head after something like that. Today, I just shook my head and went right back to what I was doing, never giving it another thought until he called me back about an hour later.
This call was a bit different. He apologized for something but I'm not sure what. Maybe it was for getting all defensive and angry on the phone with me, maybe because he said something to me about money or whatever. I still don't know and maybe I won't but that's alright. He maintains that he does not believe he is an alcoholic and doesn't see where he does anything out of the ordinary. He just likes to drink on the weekends...(and then some sometimes)...but that he's not doing anything wrong.
I posed the question to him that "OK, so I have two alternative answers for your behaviors over the years. One, you are an alcoholic and when you drink, you, the person I love disappears and this other person just takes over and decides he doesn't have a family or a wife and all there is out there is more beer and more fun or TWO, you are a sociopathic person, who has no concience and who acts only on impulse and has no regret or concience about anything he does. "Which one suits you?"I asked.
Healthy normal adults make mistakes. We ALL make mistakes. We feel remorse, we apologize and we do whatever it takes to restore faith and trust in those we have wronged if they mean that much to us to want to repair any harm that's been done.
Healthy normal adults, do not go out at 12 noon and start drinking, turn off their cell phones, not even bother to call and check on their kids or spouse, act as if they have no obligations or responsibilities, drink and drive, come home some time during the night, fall into bed or wherever and then spend what's left of the night and early morning hours vomitting, incoherent and unable to answer a simple question, not to mention, they've done this many many times. More times than you can remember. More times than you CARE to remember. Then, get up later that day and shower, get dressed and go do it again, without barely so much as spending 30 minutes with their kids. OH and this time, they don't even bother to TAKE the cell phone.
SURE! We all do these things! We all like being made to feel guilty because we like it. We love being made to feel as if something is wrong with us and that's why they hang in bars and cheat on us and spend tons of money on beer and poker machines.
The sad thing is that HE didn't make me become his concience or make me feel unloved or unwanted except for when he wanted a roll in the hay...I DID. I gave all of my strength, power and existance over to him willingly, thinking I could do the impossible...SAVE HIM FROM HIMSELF and make him into the man I thought he was, not the man he really is.
He didn't make me stay up all night worrying where he was.
He didn't make me cry when he came home and berrated me.
He didn't make me believe he was something he's not.
I did it all to myself by not wanting to let go of the dream I had of the wonderful husband. You know the guy. He's the one on TV who plays catch in the yard with his son on Saturday morning and sits through his daughter's dance recitals and who can take you out to dinner and have a couple drinks and then come home with you and make long passionate love. The man who you want to make breakfast in bed for because he's so good to you and has dinner on the table when you come home from work, because you work much later than he does and you work hard!
The guy who washes the car on saturday afternoon while you're doing laundry or cleaning the house because you had a deal, he takes care of the outside of the house and you take care of the inside.
I accept it now folks. He's NOT that guy. He's selfish. He's not trustworthy. He's petty. He's never satisfied. He's also funny, charming, intellegent, talented and once in a while he can be very loving and sensitive. He is also an alcoholic and I am codependant. I am just so happy now to be able to turn MY life around and I will always pray deep down that he understands why I have to change but if he doesn't, it's not my fault anymore.
He tugs very hard at my heart strings when he knows I am pulling away. He also definitely goes for the guilt and manipulation button but now, it has a short in it.
Today for instance, I called from work about something totally not related to he and I and our relationship and unfortunately, I had forgotten about an e-mail I sent him, basically trying to explain to him what my boundaries are. It's better for me to do it that way because he can't give me a rebuttle and I'm able to get my thoughts out without constant interruption. He was trying to give me that rebuttle on the phone today while I was working, even throwing things into the conversation that I did not say or bring up at all in my e-mail. It was quite the opposite actually. I was just telling him that I was responsible for me and that he can live any way he chooses but that my boundaries are not being around him while he's drinking, no longer blaming myself for the things he does, no longer feeling bad about myself because of him staying out and drinking, no longer treating him like a child and so on along those lines.
I knew he was really confused and that's why I did it. I was basically giving him information without emotions and opinions. Just the facts.
He pbviously didn't get it. HE was emotional and was turning the conversation on me as always so I had to abruptly end the conversation. The best part was that I was able to go directly back to work! Usually, I'll sit there at my desk and feel awful for at least 15 minutes or I have to get up and go clear my head after something like that. Today, I just shook my head and went right back to what I was doing, never giving it another thought until he called me back about an hour later.
This call was a bit different. He apologized for something but I'm not sure what. Maybe it was for getting all defensive and angry on the phone with me, maybe because he said something to me about money or whatever. I still don't know and maybe I won't but that's alright. He maintains that he does not believe he is an alcoholic and doesn't see where he does anything out of the ordinary. He just likes to drink on the weekends...(and then some sometimes)...but that he's not doing anything wrong.
I posed the question to him that "OK, so I have two alternative answers for your behaviors over the years. One, you are an alcoholic and when you drink, you, the person I love disappears and this other person just takes over and decides he doesn't have a family or a wife and all there is out there is more beer and more fun or TWO, you are a sociopathic person, who has no concience and who acts only on impulse and has no regret or concience about anything he does. "Which one suits you?"I asked.
Healthy normal adults make mistakes. We ALL make mistakes. We feel remorse, we apologize and we do whatever it takes to restore faith and trust in those we have wronged if they mean that much to us to want to repair any harm that's been done.
Healthy normal adults, do not go out at 12 noon and start drinking, turn off their cell phones, not even bother to call and check on their kids or spouse, act as if they have no obligations or responsibilities, drink and drive, come home some time during the night, fall into bed or wherever and then spend what's left of the night and early morning hours vomitting, incoherent and unable to answer a simple question, not to mention, they've done this many many times. More times than you can remember. More times than you CARE to remember. Then, get up later that day and shower, get dressed and go do it again, without barely so much as spending 30 minutes with their kids. OH and this time, they don't even bother to TAKE the cell phone.
SURE! We all do these things! We all like being made to feel guilty because we like it. We love being made to feel as if something is wrong with us and that's why they hang in bars and cheat on us and spend tons of money on beer and poker machines.
The sad thing is that HE didn't make me become his concience or make me feel unloved or unwanted except for when he wanted a roll in the hay...I DID. I gave all of my strength, power and existance over to him willingly, thinking I could do the impossible...SAVE HIM FROM HIMSELF and make him into the man I thought he was, not the man he really is.
He didn't make me stay up all night worrying where he was.
He didn't make me cry when he came home and berrated me.
He didn't make me believe he was something he's not.
I did it all to myself by not wanting to let go of the dream I had of the wonderful husband. You know the guy. He's the one on TV who plays catch in the yard with his son on Saturday morning and sits through his daughter's dance recitals and who can take you out to dinner and have a couple drinks and then come home with you and make long passionate love. The man who you want to make breakfast in bed for because he's so good to you and has dinner on the table when you come home from work, because you work much later than he does and you work hard!
The guy who washes the car on saturday afternoon while you're doing laundry or cleaning the house because you had a deal, he takes care of the outside of the house and you take care of the inside.
I accept it now folks. He's NOT that guy. He's selfish. He's not trustworthy. He's petty. He's never satisfied. He's also funny, charming, intellegent, talented and once in a while he can be very loving and sensitive. He is also an alcoholic and I am codependant. I am just so happy now to be able to turn MY life around and I will always pray deep down that he understands why I have to change but if he doesn't, it's not my fault anymore.
Supply Manager
Join Date: Feb 2002
Location: Cleaverville
Posts: 2,898
You have hit the nail on the proverbial head. AND your lightbulb is blinding me!
You are THERE girl.
My advice today would be to take a moment, or a day, a week, several months, to let this new info settle. You cannot force solutions. It sounds like you know what you have to do, just take your time.
Have you been to Alanon or Naranon? Have you read Melody Beattie? If you have forgive me...if you haven't then that is what you need to do.
You are on your way...let us know how you are!
JT
You are THERE girl.
My advice today would be to take a moment, or a day, a week, several months, to let this new info settle. You cannot force solutions. It sounds like you know what you have to do, just take your time.
Have you been to Alanon or Naranon? Have you read Melody Beattie? If you have forgive me...if you haven't then that is what you need to do.
You are on your way...let us know how you are!
JT
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Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: orangeburg,sc
Posts: 13
well I can definitely relate longtrip. My husband and I have been together for 19 years and he was sober for 13 years and 3 months. He has been drinking again for 20 months. He now feels he doesn't have a problem because he quit for so long. He now feels he is just a recreational drinker. Believe that. In the good years (and don't believe life was perfect, just not clouded and distorted from alcohol) we had four children, he went back to school and is well respected in his field. I thought we had a good life. I think it all started when he realized he was going to be 50 that year 2002 and he said he was going to be old. I think he was depressed and I tried to talk to him about it but he just would not open up. Over the years we had not had any interpersonal problems and people looked at our marriage as one to aspire to. we were both proud of the fact in this time of divorce we had made it work even with our problems. Now I feel I have to "live the lie". no one who knows us now even knows he ever had a problem with alcohol . they just think not drinking was a matter of personal choice. People would never believe the things I know and I have no desire to tell. I do not want them to think badly of him or change their opinion of him based on past events. However this leaves me with no one to confide in about what I deal with on a day to day basis.He never drinks around me or the kids but he has been drinking before he comes home, but insists otherwise. Only the next day or days later will he say he had A beer,that I am the only one making this a problem. He feels because he doesn't go out to bars and drink I should have nothing to complain about and besides he's not drinking.
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
Those darn heartstrings............
It took me a while to realize: When they say they don't have a problem with Alcohol, they are saying the truth. "THEY" don't have a problem with it. WE DO.
And, we need to take responsibility for that. Getting past those darn emotions is rough, but once you get there, the ability to see clearly is refreshing!
Life is too short to play victim to some else's self-destruction.
LongStrangeTrip, set those boundaries and stick to them! You will be AMAZED at how well you begin to function again! I didn't realize how badly and how long I had been suffering depression symptoms from living with my A till I got out.
I actually catch myself smiling for no reason these days!
And, we need to take responsibility for that. Getting past those darn emotions is rough, but once you get there, the ability to see clearly is refreshing!
Life is too short to play victim to some else's self-destruction.
LongStrangeTrip, set those boundaries and stick to them! You will be AMAZED at how well you begin to function again! I didn't realize how badly and how long I had been suffering depression symptoms from living with my A till I got out.
I actually catch myself smiling for no reason these days!
Member
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: TX
Posts: 45
EyesOpen, I'm so sorry to hear that you lost your companions. How sad, there's so much damage done, even our pets suffer the effects.
Thank you and God Bless you for your words of wisdom. I have learned so much on this forum.
Reading other stories, especially LongStrangeTrip's, it's almost a mirror image of my life with AH. Sounds like you got it under control.
There is stregth in numbers...Take Care.
Thank you and God Bless you for your words of wisdom. I have learned so much on this forum.
Reading other stories, especially LongStrangeTrip's, it's almost a mirror image of my life with AH. Sounds like you got it under control.
There is stregth in numbers...Take Care.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2004
Location: Minneapolis MN
Posts: 96
Wow KitKat, That takes courage and strength to detach like that. I tried for a couple weeks towards the end of my relationship. Like how you said about pushing buttons, when I wasn't responding, he began to find other things to bring up, guilt me about or accuse me of. There was no way for me to "meet" his needs.
giz
giz
Originally Posted by kitkat
Funny, I was going to post the same question....
I detached myself from my husband within the last month. Now he is feeling hurt and angry, because he says there is nothing he can do to make me happy. He asks me why I married him and how can I be so disgusted with him all of a sudden.
The problem is the trust is gone. I've heard too many times that he will quit drinking only to begin a few weeks later. He says that's because during the time he didn't drink, I didn't change.
I think it's because there isn't anything I could do during those periods to help him not want to drink. He is so unhappy inside, and there is nothing I can do about it. He has to get help himself and want to fix what's inside.
So as the years have gone by, my detachment even between the drinking rounds has increased until now I just don't care anymore. He's not getting help and when he doesn't drink he's still miserable to be around. I can't get close to him no matter what I do and now I'm not even sure if I want to be close to him because I know I will just get hurt again. I don't trust him.
Yesterday and last night all I heard was how this was all my fault and how horrible he feels about himself because no one wants to love him. I heard how his mom kicked him out of the house, how his first wife didn't like him and now me.
I kept my cool, though, during this heat. I hardly said a word. I just let him go and say what was on his mind. It doesn't change how I feel, and what's the point in getting into a shouting match. Nothing I say will make him change his mind and see the light. He's so far into the darkness, I don't know what will get him out.
I am determined not to feel guilty, after all, he's hurting now, but I have been hurting for many years. Why doesn't that count for anything?
Hang in there!! Remember you can only make yourself happy. You can't worry about what he says. He is incapable right now of seeing the truth.
Hugs,
Kitkat
I detached myself from my husband within the last month. Now he is feeling hurt and angry, because he says there is nothing he can do to make me happy. He asks me why I married him and how can I be so disgusted with him all of a sudden.
The problem is the trust is gone. I've heard too many times that he will quit drinking only to begin a few weeks later. He says that's because during the time he didn't drink, I didn't change.
I think it's because there isn't anything I could do during those periods to help him not want to drink. He is so unhappy inside, and there is nothing I can do about it. He has to get help himself and want to fix what's inside.
So as the years have gone by, my detachment even between the drinking rounds has increased until now I just don't care anymore. He's not getting help and when he doesn't drink he's still miserable to be around. I can't get close to him no matter what I do and now I'm not even sure if I want to be close to him because I know I will just get hurt again. I don't trust him.
Yesterday and last night all I heard was how this was all my fault and how horrible he feels about himself because no one wants to love him. I heard how his mom kicked him out of the house, how his first wife didn't like him and now me.
I kept my cool, though, during this heat. I hardly said a word. I just let him go and say what was on his mind. It doesn't change how I feel, and what's the point in getting into a shouting match. Nothing I say will make him change his mind and see the light. He's so far into the darkness, I don't know what will get him out.
I am determined not to feel guilty, after all, he's hurting now, but I have been hurting for many years. Why doesn't that count for anything?
Hang in there!! Remember you can only make yourself happy. You can't worry about what he says. He is incapable right now of seeing the truth.
Hugs,
Kitkat
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