20 minutes late and I can't help but feel
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Pennsylvania
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20 minutes late and I can't help but feel
the another foot has dropped. He was on such a roll and I told him every day how proud I am of him... then today... 20 minutes late and any other person wouldn't think twice, but since it's me and the alcoholic, I have to sit here and wonder. I hate this feeling and it may be nothing... but there is ALWAYS that chance that it could be that he'll come home under the influence. When does that feeling ever go away?
Tomorrow I start therapy... can't come soon enough.
Tomorrow I start therapy... can't come soon enough.
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Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
(((Broken)))
As both an RA AND someone who has loved ones who are A's, I can tell you it takes a while. Broken trust is not easily rebuilt.
Therapy is a good thing. Remember to focus on what you can control, which is YOU. I know it's hard, and it takes a lot of practice.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
As both an RA AND someone who has loved ones who are A's, I can tell you it takes a while. Broken trust is not easily rebuilt.
Therapy is a good thing. Remember to focus on what you can control, which is YOU. I know it's hard, and it takes a lot of practice.
Hugs and prayers!
Amy
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
My father found AA and sobriety when he was in his mid-forties. He was sober for the next 22 years until the day he died.
My mom says there was never a day/night in those 20 years of his sobriety when if he was late her heart did not start pounding and her mind racing. For her that feeling never went away until he died.
From my perspective my mother never worked very hard on herself or on changing her codie ways-- I don't know, if she had tried some therapy or worked AlAnon's program maybe she wouldn't have continued to feel sick every time he was late....or maybe she would have - it seems like a normal gut reaction to living with the "abnormal" insanity for so long!
I hope you find peace and a way to distract yourself...what will be will be!
peace-
b
My mom says there was never a day/night in those 20 years of his sobriety when if he was late her heart did not start pounding and her mind racing. For her that feeling never went away until he died.
From my perspective my mother never worked very hard on herself or on changing her codie ways-- I don't know, if she had tried some therapy or worked AlAnon's program maybe she wouldn't have continued to feel sick every time he was late....or maybe she would have - it seems like a normal gut reaction to living with the "abnormal" insanity for so long!
I hope you find peace and a way to distract yourself...what will be will be!
peace-
b
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 28
brokenstar
boy do i know how you feel. my husband would tell me he is going out to throw out recycling or just going to the grocery store - then i don't see him for anther two hours. i can't tell you how many times i have driven up to his favorite bar to see if he is there...i always find him there.
the hardest is when he makes an attempt to stop or slow down the drinking, and then he starts coming home late... it's the whole disappointment because you want to believe this time it will work
just hand in there
boy do i know how you feel. my husband would tell me he is going out to throw out recycling or just going to the grocery store - then i don't see him for anther two hours. i can't tell you how many times i have driven up to his favorite bar to see if he is there...i always find him there.
the hardest is when he makes an attempt to stop or slow down the drinking, and then he starts coming home late... it's the whole disappointment because you want to believe this time it will work
just hand in there
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
It is what it is. Hopefully, he came home and had a good excuse for being late, but what about next time? Are you going to worry and fret every time he is a few minutes late? I don't see how either of you could stand that for very long.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 41
He came home... sober (this time). Hopefully therapy can help me get over this.
I told him this morning that I had a dr appointment and would be late getting home. Told him to let out the dog and feed him. He could start the grass he's been meaning to cut if he wanted or start dinner (left stuff out for him to make). He calls at 9 and tells me that he's going to have to work late so he'll be home about the same time I will. Huh. Interesting. That's when my mind starts racing and my mood completely changes.
This is all exhausting. I hate this feeling and I want to trust him so bad. I'm reading the book Co-dependant no more and I feel like I just need someone to tell me what to do... like metal exercises or tricks in order to break my thinking process so that I CAN concintrate on myself.
I told him this morning that I had a dr appointment and would be late getting home. Told him to let out the dog and feed him. He could start the grass he's been meaning to cut if he wanted or start dinner (left stuff out for him to make). He calls at 9 and tells me that he's going to have to work late so he'll be home about the same time I will. Huh. Interesting. That's when my mind starts racing and my mood completely changes.
This is all exhausting. I hate this feeling and I want to trust him so bad. I'm reading the book Co-dependant no more and I feel like I just need someone to tell me what to do... like metal exercises or tricks in order to break my thinking process so that I CAN concintrate on myself.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,910
Sorry you're having such a hard time, broken; however, you can't live your life in anticipation of what he may or may not do. Sounds like he had a good reason for not being home when you expected him, but I also noticed that you are telling him what to do when he IS home. He's not your child and were I him, I would resent the way you are acting. Like I said before, it is what it is. At this point, he hasn't done anything wrong, yet you act like he has. You cannot control him. If he's going to drink, he's going to drink and nothing you say or do will change that. Give him the freedom to live his life and don't sit around expecting him to fail. That in itself could cause so many problems in your marriage that have nothing to do with alcohol. (((HUGS)))
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Originally Posted by suki44883 
Sorry you're having such a hard time, broken; however, you can't live your life in anticipation of what he may or may not do. Sounds like he had a good reason for not being home when you expected him, but I also noticed that you are telling him what to do when he IS home. He's not your child and were I him, I would resent the way you are acting. Like I said before, it is what it is. At this point, he hasn't done anything wrong, yet you act like he has. You cannot control him. If he's going to drink, he's going to drink and nothing you say or do will change that. Give him the freedom to live his life and don't sit around expecting him to fail. That in itself could cause so many problems in your marriage that have nothing to do with alcohol. (((HUGS)))
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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I find that the times when I ruminate about what condition he will come home in or when the next big binge is coming, is when I am focusing on his actions and not my own.
The tool I use when this starts is the same for if I ever find myself on fire. That's right. Stop. Drop. and Roll.
STOP. I stop what I'm doing (looking out the window, watching the clock, calling around to find him etc).
DROP. I drop my thoughts of him. I remind myself he's an adult walking his own road, not a two-year-old wandering the side of the highway.
ROLL. I get moving. I get physical with chores around the house, exercising, getting the dogs out for a walk, focusing on a task for work etc. It helps to really put my mind to work on something productive that benefits me since sitting in a sweat fretting over him benefits no one but the disease.
Sometimes I have to repeat the exercise more than once before it sticks for the duration, but I have found myself surprised when he finally came home. And yes, he's come home fully lit, but because I wasn't focused on it, I could remain emotionally detached from the situation a far cry from when I'd start sobbing as soon as he wobbled out of his car. His demeanor has changed as well in that he'll come home and stay far away from me. He doesn't try to explain himself or make excuses as much anymore because he's only met indifference from me. That has become a more effective tool than any begging, pleading, or crying from me ever was.
Stay strong.
Alice
The tool I use when this starts is the same for if I ever find myself on fire. That's right. Stop. Drop. and Roll.
STOP. I stop what I'm doing (looking out the window, watching the clock, calling around to find him etc).
DROP. I drop my thoughts of him. I remind myself he's an adult walking his own road, not a two-year-old wandering the side of the highway.
ROLL. I get moving. I get physical with chores around the house, exercising, getting the dogs out for a walk, focusing on a task for work etc. It helps to really put my mind to work on something productive that benefits me since sitting in a sweat fretting over him benefits no one but the disease.
Sometimes I have to repeat the exercise more than once before it sticks for the duration, but I have found myself surprised when he finally came home. And yes, he's come home fully lit, but because I wasn't focused on it, I could remain emotionally detached from the situation a far cry from when I'd start sobbing as soon as he wobbled out of his car. His demeanor has changed as well in that he'll come home and stay far away from me. He doesn't try to explain himself or make excuses as much anymore because he's only met indifference from me. That has become a more effective tool than any begging, pleading, or crying from me ever was.
Stay strong.
Alice
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Pennsylvania
Posts: 41
Originally Posted by ItsmeAlice
I find that the times when I ruminate about what condition he will come home in or when the next big binge is coming, is when I am focusing on his actions and not my own.
The tool I use when this starts is the same for if I ever find myself on fire. That's right. Stop. Drop. and Roll.
STOP. I stop what I'm doing (looking out the window, watching the clock, calling around to find him etc).
DROP. I drop my thoughts of him. I remind myself he's an adult walking his own road, not a two-year-old wandering the side of the highway.
ROLL. I get moving. I get physical with chores around the house, exercising, getting the dogs out for a walk, focusing on a task for work etc. It helps to really put my mind to work on something productive that benefits me since sitting in a sweat fretting over him benefits no one but the disease.
Sometimes I have to repeat the exercise more than once before it sticks for the duration, but I have found myself surprised when he finally came home. And yes, he's come home fully lit, but because I wasn't focused on it, I could remain emotionally detached from the situation a far cry from when I'd start sobbing as soon as he wobbled out of his car. His demeanor has changed as well in that he'll come home and stay far away from me. He doesn't try to explain himself or make excuses as much anymore because he's only met indifference from me. That has become a more effective tool than any begging, pleading, or crying from me ever was.
Stay strong.
Alice
The tool I use when this starts is the same for if I ever find myself on fire. That's right. Stop. Drop. and Roll.
STOP. I stop what I'm doing (looking out the window, watching the clock, calling around to find him etc).
DROP. I drop my thoughts of him. I remind myself he's an adult walking his own road, not a two-year-old wandering the side of the highway.
ROLL. I get moving. I get physical with chores around the house, exercising, getting the dogs out for a walk, focusing on a task for work etc. It helps to really put my mind to work on something productive that benefits me since sitting in a sweat fretting over him benefits no one but the disease.
Sometimes I have to repeat the exercise more than once before it sticks for the duration, but I have found myself surprised when he finally came home. And yes, he's come home fully lit, but because I wasn't focused on it, I could remain emotionally detached from the situation a far cry from when I'd start sobbing as soon as he wobbled out of his car. His demeanor has changed as well in that he'll come home and stay far away from me. He doesn't try to explain himself or make excuses as much anymore because he's only met indifference from me. That has become a more effective tool than any begging, pleading, or crying from me ever was.
Stay strong.
Alice
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Originally Posted by brokenrockstar
I feel like I just need someone to tell me what to do... like metal exercises or tricks
, or anyone else's. 
Also, depending on mood, I listen to Rise Against, System of a down, Judas Priest. And it does not have to be metal, I also enjoy listening to Robbie Williams. NOW there is a voice that is worth listening...
Errr, just kidding brokenstar!! Its a work in progress, taking care of YOU, but it will get easier with time. I like to imagine this icon whenever I am obsessing about ex AH:
Like telling myself, OK Sandra, its enough now, YOUR life is precious, you are not even sure if you will make it to TONIGHT, so what is worth your energy at this moment?? It works!!
Hope you find great ways to enjoy your time!
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