livnfrme

Hi Everyone,

I feel so angry about the whole situation that the disease of alcoholism has created in our lives. My common law is an A and our son has been deeply affected at only six years old.

I am a part of the alanon program and have been for a couple of months. I did not want my A to live with us any longer as he was becoming violent after a six month relapse so he moved to our other house and I retained the key to the house I live in. After about a month he decided to go back to the AA program at the suggestion of our psycologist who is a specialist in addictions and marriage, after it was determined by them what worked for the A before. I started the alanon program which just made things worse. Shortly after he started the AA program again and things became unberable.

This is the third reconcilliation we have had. The first time he told me things would be better so I agreed. The second time I had to see results first so he went to rehab and went into the AA program. He came to me after that and started staying with me as his roomate was a pot smoker and drinker which would have made things hard on him fresh out of rehab. The rehab program recommended if he was not in a relationship he shouldn't get into one for a year. He did not feel that was applicable as we were not a new relationship but an existing one. I really did not know and listened to what he felt was best for himself.

I did let him know that I would not accept reconciling a third time and putting our son through another split and he agreed. We agreed that with his program in place and outside inervention if required, we would commit to each doing our part to make a long term relationship happen.

Well he relapsed in October and things have been terrible since. I did not leave the relationship, nor did he when he moved but I did decided to protect myself and our son from violence and anger problems.

He was living at the other house working on his program. I wanted to leave him many times and was frustrated with the behaviors but my Alanon program states not to make any large changes until I had been in the program for a while, and I had made a commitment for our family. He did let me know he really wanted the relationship and with the help of AA and our psycologist he felt we would be okay.

A week after that he let me know he needed to end the relationship to work on his AA program and that he couldn't do it in a relationship even living apart. He says his AA people let him know it wouldn't work with him in a relationship and the sponsor he was hoping to get would not take him as he was working a program for me and not himself. The potental sponsor said he should go back to a recovery house as well.

I am irate with this situation. Our son's heart is broken. The business I created that he became a part of is faltering and all of the support I gave was worth nothing. I realize people make their own choices and I am sickened that it is at the expense of others. Our son is showing signs already of distress. The A does not know what it was like for him before as he was not around both times in our son's life to see the results of his choices.

I asked him why he would make such a life altering decision without seeking the aid of our psycologist to see if there were other alternatives to bring about the desired results for him, without the negative effects for our family. He said he couldn't wait the two weeks to get to the office so made the decision on his own. I could just scream.

I am going to lots of Alanon meetings and every time I see our son upset about it I revert right back. I have never felt the type of feelings towards the A that I feel right now. I am so upset that our son's emotions are sacrificed for his. I do believe children can survive without both of their natural parents but not truly thrive. I believe they will always have some baggage to carry so their parents can take the easy way out.

The A tells me he wants to reconcile after the one year he feels his program states. He says he feels that way right now but doesnt' know if he will when he is done. I don't feel comfortable waiting for him, and cant' believe he would even suggest such a thing. I don't know how to put our son through such a traumatic event again. On the other hand, what if he was to keep up with his program and our son and I could live our dreams instead of just dream them.

I strongly dislike who I have become. I have been very cruel to him since his decision. I have said things that are terrible. He tells me he will never want to be with me if I am treating him like this. He says he sees the pain he is causing but has to do whatever he needs to for sobriety and if everyone else has to suffer so be it. He reminds me daily it is a selfish program. I feel soooo angry.

I go to the psycologist tonight and another alanon meeting so I hope that helps.

How do I get through this and get our son through this? Any advice? What worked for you?

Thanks for listening.

cassandra2

To be real honest when I read your post I didnt hear anything that resembled real recovery for your h. Sounds like alot of quacking. Making excuses for the damage he knows he has created and pouring alot of salt in your wounds to make him feel better.

Its good that you are active with Ala non. Keep going. I held onto to alot of anger and it turned to deep depression and nearly gave up living because it got so bad. Not saying I wanted to kill myself or anything just didnt have any desire to get up and do anything.

I stopped giving HIM the power to make me angry. That helped alot. These addicts are SICK in the head. That is really what is wrong with them. They cannot make rational decisions. And until they start everything is NOISE.

It got to the point where the only way I was gonna take my life back was to turn my back on him. To stop giving him the power in my life. I stopped taking his calls. I stopped calling him. I had too. It was just to painful. And when I did I felt so much better. I kept telling myself its not me its him. Over and over. Soon I really started to believe it. Thats when I noticed that the depression lifted and I could finally see straight again...

I know its hard NOT to be angry but trust me when I say that for you if you hold onto this anger it will eat you alive.

He isnt capable of making any decisions right now. So for today accept that this is the way it is and try to find a better way around all of your anger.

Sometimes when we are dealing with painful situations we tend to think that this is the way it will ALWAYS be or that NOTHING is changing or getting better. That comforts the pain in you. Take it away. Tell yourself you are getting better, things are getting better no matter what things really look like trick your mind and you will see that you will start to get better....

FunnyOne

Maybe this will help you understand why he is so wishy washy, it really helped me see that my husbands decisions were irrational and helped explain why. We really think that recovery is going to be the solution, but it's just a long process that might solve things if they get the process right. Sadly, few do.
Post Acute Withdrawl - Relapse Prevention Specialists - TLC The Living Center

livnfrme

My big problem is the what if's. I think I don't feel confident to make a wise decision without all of the information, even the information I am not receiving from the A and that I may never receive.

I like what you say about him working on himself to free up me working on me. Our son goes with him for a week and me for a week. I found him saying though that he needed to switch days as he couldn't go a week without a meeting. We both do the same job but I do not have help with mine like he does so his day ends at 6 and mine doesn't end till about nine, and that makes eleven if I go to a meeting. I got tired of that as I am not getting to as many meetings as I like so I gently asked him to watch our son for the one night for me and have me not watch our son for him, freeing up some time for me to go to meetings. He was upset I think feeling like his recovery is so much more important than mine. I did it anyways and if he was unwilling I started a babysitting coop last week to always have a sitter to go to my meetings without paying a cent. My sponsor told me have a plan a, b and c. That seems to be working out.

You are right about it being all about him. I am working on changing that. Thanks for the gentle reminder.

I don't know about the child thriving part. I think my main work will be in this area for now as I think that is my main challenge. Thank you for giving me something more to think about and challenging my current perceptions. They very well may be the problem.

cassandra2

Another thing that really helped me was to make decisions just for today based on the information I have. I freed myself with the what ifs by doing that.

Like with your child care situation. By taking him out of the equation you made it much easier for YOURSELF. Just start patterning your current decisions based on the info you have today. Maybe your info will be different tomorrow but dont worry about it today.

One more thing as long as I am thinking about it. In my mind I kept telling myself its over its over. That really caused me alot of pain. I stopped doing that. Instead I said today we are friends and that is enough for me. Tomorrow maybe different but for right now I am ok.

We cause ourselves so much added pain by thinking thoughts that make us feel like we did something wrong or that we have taken responsibility for their actions. It took me a long time to figure out that whatever he did he was doing. NOt me not because of me or anything about ME. It was him that had the problem.

Keeping going forward everything always works out in the end. I promise.

flutter

I just feel so bad for your son and his emotional whiplash.

I hope you protect him from here on out..

Children do much better being FROM a broken home than they do from living IN one.

livnfrme

Wow thanks so much for the link. I read the whole thing and it makes so much sense as to his behavior. I will be reading that again and again I am sure.

livnfrme

I feel bad for him too but I also had a hand in the situation he is in. Before getting back together with my ex it would have been wise to do some research about addiction, the chances of relapse and so on. I am not blameless here. I do want to do whatever is best for him. I agree that a child is better to be in a loving home than a broken one. I can't help but feel strongly though that if both parents were to apply themselves to commitment to themselves as people and the relationship that would not be a requirement for a child. Guess where addiction is present that is dreamland though.

livnfrme

You have touched on something I really need to work on and keep in mind. I don't have to think of it as a finality. I can live just for today instead of projecting into the future and reacting to something that hasn't even happened yet. I think I need to put a sticky on my wall about that one. Thanks. I am so thankful to be here and have everyone reaching out with their wisdom. I hope I can return the aid to someone else in need.

LaTeeDa

Of course that would be the best possible situation. The problem is, you only have control over half of it--you.

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change

the courage to change the things I can

and the wisdom to know the difference.

L

TakingCharge999

That is the reality of addiction. Anyone's emotions come second place. Or not figure at all. It is ALL between him and his disease, livinfrme. You could be any other woman in the world. Your son could be any other kid. Do not take this personal. Your son and you have nothing to do with how this man handles his own problem.

Now its the time to be the sane parent for your kid and not let his emotions be hurt again. You are there for him and that is the important part of all this.. you need to be healthy now, for you... and for him too.

livinfrme, you are filling your whole child's future with doom in this sentence! many of us (me included) have only had one parent, or no natural parents...for any reason... and we live happy fulfilled lives. And we thrive and learn just like any other person!

Here it is important to place the baggage as appropiate. Him, HIS ADDICTION, his problem. His way of handling it (not really gentle with his wife or kid to say the least). Ok. HIS mistakes.

You, your own emotional stuff to sort out...

Your kid, who has already been affected, will need support also, from outside people and from you. One time when he grows up, he will choose as well, whether to live in pain because of his past (like I did for 25 years) or work to acknowledge the past, let it go and trade it for something better.

There is no "always", there is no "never", there is only this present moment and what YOU are going to do about it...


No one lives perfect lives, I just hope you commit yourself to your own recovery, protect your kid from an unstable parent and keep moving forward!

Easier said than done, but I know but you got all the tools to make it possible!! ((hugs))

livnfrme

livinfrme, you are filling your whole child's future with doom in this sentence! many of us (me included) have only had one parent, or no natural parents...for any reason... and we live happy fulfilled lives. And we thrive and learn just like any other person!

No one lives perfect lives, I just hope you commit yourself to your own recovery, protect your kid from an unstable parent and keep moving forward!

Well if that wasn't a powerful statement. I have never looked at it like I am filling his future with doom. I have been focusing on the A filling his future with doom. My part is becoming clearer with every post I read. For me this is so very helpful.

I expect to provide my son the perfect life as I am realizing. I am an overacheiver but don't expect that of others. I want him to go through challenges of his own doing so he can grow as a person, even others as he needs to learn life isn't fair all the time and accept that. I have a very hard time accepting his parents putting him through grief. We are the ones who are supposed to love, guide, protect him and teach him appropriate boundaries for himself and others. I am realizing that accepting that doesnt' always happen, and that will bring me a long way to providing the support our son needs through this. I think I need to find boundaries myself in this area first so I can model that for him and guide him through his challenges. I am so grateful for your words of wisdom.

livnfrme

Well he has our son for a week and I have him for a week. I feel though that he is not emotionally available for him, nor can he be I guess under the circumstances.

You are right, I am not an expert and I put the world upon my shoulders expecting myself to do no wrong and berating myself when I do. I sure am not like that with others. When others falter it is an opportunity for higher learning and personal growth. I feel the same of myself but where I am concerned I add in the regrets and judgement. I am learning I treat others so much better than I treat myself.

Still Waters

My $0.02: He could change his mind again 50 times between now and next month, how many times are you going to go back and forth?

Let him GO do what he thinks he needs to do, get sober. If he's really on that track, good for him. That doesn't mean that he'll ever be what you need. You didn't say how long you had been together, nor how long he'd been drinking. Be careful that you aren't falling prey to "magical thinking". Are you seeing him as you want him to be, or as he really is? Are you imagining what your life could be like, if only he would be/do what you think he should be/do? Are you listening to what he's saying rather than paying attention to what he is doing?

Freedom1990

I have a daughter soon to be 21. Her father, a sober member of AA for over 33 years now, has been next to non-existant in her life.

That 20 year old holds down two jobs, is paying for her own car and auto insurance. She bought her own horse two years ago and trained him from the ground up. She still lives with me and we have a relationship today I never dreamed possible.

We have been through some really rough patches over the years, but we've both grown from that.

She knows which parent was there through thick and thin.

I guarantee, she is no worse for wear coming from a single-parent home.

MissFixit

"Once we know better, we do better." You are learning and now know better.

I forget who wrote that. Wasn't me.

Miss

livnfrme

We have been together for ten years. He was what I would consider a "normal" drinker for about six of those years. We split up and he became a heavy drinker and was addicted to cocaine for a period of time. We reconciled but did not live together after that and I did not know about the addictions. When I found out what was going on via his behaviors and our son's reactions I took action through the courts and created a situation very easily where his visitation with our son was only supervised. He would not go along with that and did not see our son for about ten months. He went to rehab, we reconciled again and here we are a year later.

I am listening to what he is saying and what he is doing. Those things are not congruent so I have to come to terms that we will not be together again. I am thinking if he did what I think he should do all would be well. I guess I think that if our child was a consideration in his mind his choices would not look like they look now. I am learning that our child does not have to be a consideration here nor does he to himself as painful as that is.

Still Waters

Keep in mind that he's not doing these things to you, or your son...he's just doing them.

I've got some bad news for you, if he did what you think he should do, chanced are things would not be okay. Fact.

Sadly, your son doesn't come first for him, his addiction does. Alcoholics can be incredibly selfish and self centered. The addiction comes before everything else, even his own health, sanity, and in some case..life.

In my opinion, it's better to safeguard children against this very confusing selfish behavior, rather than spending time and energy uselessly trying to change it.

MissFixit

Hey There,

Unfortunately it sounds like you are understanding the world of living with an active A. Keep paying attention to the actions, not the words.

XOX,

Miss

livnfrme

How do I safeguard against it? Do I do that by looking after my emotional well being and being able to model that for our son, not have our son see him, etc. Any other ideas would be very helpful. Thanks.