Still Waters

It began with me getting therapy, to deal with my soul crushing depression and paralysis so that I could take the steps I needed for me, and for my child. Letting go, and moving on wasn't easy - and with no money, no vehicle etc.

For me, safeguarding her meant removing her from the situation and providing a safe calm and sane home where she would no longer be mentally and emotionally abused by my AH. My situation is different than yours, in that she's not his child. I don't know what legally you can do to keep visits safe for your son, perhaps supervised visitation.

You have to be healthy, so that you can be a wonderful role model for him, that's physically and mentally healthy. I don't think we realize, while we're in the situation, just how much of our energy is spent dealing with the alcoholic. Worrying and wondering, walking on eggshells, trying to orchestrate whatever it is that will keep him on an even keel, etc. It's exhausting, and will make you sick. Meanwhile I wasn't being the Mom I needed to be to my daughter, I deal with a lot of guilt about that.

livnfrme

Well I consider myself lucky. I have a vehicle, financial independence and the last three years of intensive therapy. It was not for addiction, but just for me. I have found it to be very helpful as I do not feel bad about myself as a person, or that his addiction is my fault.

As a result of this I do not and have not spent my time trying to keep things on an even keel and he has been quite upset about that. By the time we reconciled I had changed a great deal and that was fine with him before his stinkin thinking took over a couple of months before he relapsed. When he did relapse and things started to go down hill he was very angry I would not allow the world and my personal decisions to revolve around him. I find my decisions still do not revolve around him but my thoughts do and I have to work very hard to not let my thoughts control my decisions. I feel I have taken many steps back since we parted and our son's pain has become my focus. Not good.

Legally I already have a court order stating he only has supervised visitation and have already consulted my lawyer to see if it will still be in effect. Given the time of reconciliation the court order still stands so that is very good and uncomplicates things.

I am not sure keeping him from dad will be warranted though. When dad was living with us he was out of control and violent. Now that he is on his own and working a program, no matter how I disagree with how he is doing it, he is calm and appears to be making progress. The way he is not there for our son still is emotionally, and that does worry me but is that really enough to remove contact or make it supervised?

I have to think hard about that one and weigh out the consequences for our son and what is in his best interest.

bluejay6

Hello liv and welcome,
I read and re-read this post, to try to sort out the time line, etc.

But one thing I stopped at again and again were your words about his "anger and violence" problems.

This is an A with a history of anger and violence who has not even a year of continuous sobriety and good behavior and is allowed to keep your child with him alone for a week at a time?

All his disappointing behavior re:your relationship aside, I just have to say that the child's best interests are not being met, and if in fact, the A wants to take a year off from relationship and parenting, it seems to me that given his extreme selfishness and history of relapse and violent behavior, that this seems a very good idea (even though he came up with it from quite a different motive).

Your son's pain will be helped if you get professional guidance in addressing the addiction issues with him in a way he can understand. He will be hurt, I know, for children just want life to be stable and loving and both parents to be protectors. But the reality is that his father is an Addict and that reality must be dealt with. The vision of the "normal" life you have held onto just is not and cannot be. You had a child with an addict and now you are trying to do your best. You will do your best as long as you are absolutely clear about his disease being a family disease. And it always will be.

I would not trust your husband to be "calm" in a CONSISTENT manner for at least year.

Good luck and I'm very happy you have that court order about visitation. Hope you will stick to it.

You sound like you will be okay. Bless you and your boy.

livnfrme

Well he wants to take a year off from the relationship but not parenting. I am unsure as to what to do yet regarding our son. I do believe that when he is at the other house that makes a difference for him somehow and we have not been in a position of dealing with the anger problems.

I do believe emotional consistency will not be met. I am not sure if that is enough to remove contact. I have to weigh out the consequences either way for our son before making such a decision.

The court order was made before we reconcilled but I do have the option based upon the timing to put it into place again or not. I do know our son is not displaying any verbal or non verbal behaviors or signs to show he is in any distress while he is there or when he returns home to me. I phone him nightly to say good night and see how his day went after school with dad and his dad seems at this point to be maintaining a positive place for our son at this point.

Last night I went to our psycologist and he did not mention what we are discussing nor did I bring the idea up. I think I will gain some more insight from him as his intimate knowledge of the situation coupled with his expertise I trust well. I think I will give him a call today and see what he has to say.

Thanks for your perspective and blessings.

silkspin

Hi livnfrme, I sympathize with your situation and understand how hard it is; my daughter is 19 months.

From your posts I can see that you're seeing your part more clearly now - based on your comments about the whole doom and gloom for your boy's future. Before getting help myself through al anon, I did the same. I didn't realize how much doom I was creating, through my actions towards my AH. I was a victim, he was hurting his baby girl, putting all responsibilities on me etc. I made him feel it, through my anxiety and anger. And of course, that whole time my daughter was being exposed to that too! I spent very much energy trying to 'get' him to see what he was doing, and how he was affecting her and us, and now I've realized that the wasted energy there would be better used in creating a safe and happy environment for her.

Thanks to al anon, I've been able to turn my eyes to her, and to me. ONLY. I accepted that although we were still together, I was like a single parent. And that's what she needed most, an engaged parent to shield her from anything and everything. I let go of what he did, didn't do, wanted, said, asked, told, blah blah blah. And asked him to move out of our bedroom and into the basement. And he went for help. Where I stopped trying to create expectations for him to have towards his child, he actually started. He is sober 6 months, quit smoking, getting healthier. We are going to couples counselling. My daughter loves daddy and he is engaged and involved with her. I then truly understood that I was such a block, forcing things that he ended up rebelling against, and hurting my daughter in the process, because she felt what I felt.

Please let go of the future, doom or not. Focus on making your child happy and safe each day. That's it. As things come, you will deal with them, THAT day. Stay in the present with your son. It will be a gift. At this point, if my AH were to relapse, I feel strong enough, and I'm detached enough from his actions, that I will manage it, and my daughter will be protected.