AH is getting manipulative
 

AH has been drinking on and off for years... mostly on. His last break from alcohol lasted a few months. I knew it would be temporary (he wouldn't go to counseling, or to a recovery program), and of course it was. He's back to drinking every day, or nearly every day. I suspect he has a bottle hidden again, and that he's drinking more than he lets on. I've seen it all before.

Now he is getting more and more determined to blame me for the drinking. He refused to go on a planned family outing with me a few days ago because he said I hadn't gotten enough done around the house, so he had to stay home and do all that work, and that that was my choice. I said, "fine," and took the kids anyway. He spent the time drinking. (I know you're shocked!) A couple of days later he proposed that he wouldn't drink on the weekend if I'd "done enough" during the week while he was out of town. He was puzzled that I didn't think this was a great idea. Where to start? a. I don't believe him; b. I see this as a way to blame me for his own choices; c. I know he will continue to drink on weekdays when he's out of town, since he's clearly not ready to quit yet; d. Frankly, this whole thing irritates the **** out of me.

I want to sit him down and read him the riot act, but I know I won't get through to him. I don't know what to do at this point, other than go to counseling myself. Not sure how much more of this I can take.

Only you know how much you can take. For me, I can no longer live with an active alcoholic. Life is far too short to live with such insanity.

:ghug :ghug

foggy-

all that sounds like very controlling behavior from your AH. who is he to tell you how much you should do in house chores or not!? who made him the boss? yuck.


naive

Agreed - I'd consider that horrible and abusive. Not to mention complete bull****.

"Counseling for myself" was the thing that really helped me figure out what I wanted, what I would tolerate, and what I would do when my boundaries were crossed.

I know it's a scary thought: I might actually have to DO something about this? :)

But my life changed radically for the better when I took that step.

Hugs, foggy

GL
:hug:

I tired Alanon... helpful but I didn't go back... not yet. I just got done leaving a message for a therapist a friend of mine recommended. I'll give that a shot. Welcome to the rock and the hard place. I'm there with you!

Thanks everyone. This is a lonely place to be in, but the support helps.

foggy - they twist it to be you, your fault, you are the problem, you are the solution, you you you.

Don't buy into it. Get to see that therapist and work on being able to see through the BS alcoholics dish out. In the mean time, work on detachment - It's not you, you can't control his life/problem/drinking, you didn't cause it, you can't cure it.

Welcome, foggy. His disease is in control of you, not just of him.

You wrote "Not sure how much more of this I can take."

How much more should your children have to take?

You can either let him bully and devastate every person in that family, ruining your children's childhood and your mental and physical health.....

or you can have the courage to get that counselor you are considering, and make a plan of action to put an END to his tyranny.

You can do this. But you need support because alone against addiction, we succumb. The addict is just too powerful.

I'm happy you found this site. Life can turn in a new direction for you today.

Take care. Be safe. Protect your children.

Hi foggy! Welcome to SR.

He sounds like an ex AH I had. Nothing, ever, EVER was HIS problem. It was all me, why the dishes were not done, why my cubicle was not superclean whenever he arrived, why I sent a letter I should not have sent him (calling on his empty promises), well, the list is endless.

I thought he had changed but sometimes I wonder if he was manipulative all the time, just did not show it before so I would agree to live with him. Who knows?

The truth here is that life is too short to walk on eggshells. I hope your therapist is a good one and you keep seeing him/her! And keep posting... it helps, and we care very much.

((Hugs))

This.
I am barely on the other end of this. Individual psychotherapy (took me a long time to find the right therapist) was the ONLY thing that enabled me to see clearly, and therefore, to take action to change my situation.

I lived with the manipulation for so long that I could no longer trust myself, my instinct, my gut feelings. I take responsibility for this.
A good counselor can help you tap into your 'core self'.

In my initial sessions, all I talked about was him, him, him. Now, I am learning to focus on me. What do I want my life to look like.
All couples have some amount of friction, but just how hard should it be?

Word.
Sometimes it takes a while to see this. Again, emotional manipulation is a powerful thing. They hook you in to get their needs met. It's a way of controlling.
Don't bite the hook.

What are your needs? Can you imagine where your energy would go if you were not focused on AH's behaviors?
I recently realized that I haven't been fully present with my children because I was always looking at what AH was doing, or not doing.

Now, I'm learning to be present in the moment. To live now.

come back here often. we do care and know what you're going through!

This isn't just trying to make it your fault it's even more twisted than that.

No matter if you run yourself ragged it won't be enough and you won't be good enough.

Ggggrrrrr control freaks, I hate them

((((((HUGS)))))))

Thanks for the replies - you've given me a lot to think about. I'm not sure where my energy would go if it weren't for this neverending soap opera. It seems to have swallowed everything else up.

We sometimes do get addicted to the melodrama....but I have no doubt you'd find something more joyful to do with your energy in its absence :)

Hey foggy, think of it more like a parasitic or tumourous growth (whichever least offends and works best for you). Your body will put a lot of energy into growing/maintaining/isolating it, even though the growth is not good for it, but without ever actually cutting it off. If that growth wasn't there, where would that energy be going? Right back into the basic maintenance of the rest of your body.

Having this neverending soap opera isn't much different. It's parasitizing your emotional well-being, using up energy and resources that would otherwise go into the basic repair and maintenance of you emotionally, and it will persist until you're ready and committed to take action against it.

Quote:

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How much more should your children have to take?

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This is worth re-stating. Sacrificing yourself is NOT protecting your kids. It's transforming the one reliable parent they have into a stressed, emotionally-unavailable adult. Alcoholism is particularly devastating because it affects everyone in the family, even those who are not drinking. Hang in there, foggy, and give some thought to the great advice already posted. :hug: