New to all this - wanting to get out
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 4
New to all this - wanting to get out
I have been married for almost two years - we were together two years before that. I had always known AH had a problem but I made a lot of excuses ("At least he doesn't..." and "It's not that bad..."). We've had arguments over the past four years about his drinking and about a year ago he told me he would no longer have hard alcohol in the house and would only drink beer and wine in the house. This seemed to work until three weeks ago when I came across my husband's stash in an upstairs closet. I confronted him with it and came to find out he had been lying to me (we had also been trying to have a baby and his sperm count numbers kept coming back really low) about the drinking. I told him that night he had to stay at a hotel. The day after he came home armed with info on AA meetings and dumped out all his alcohol in the house. I told him that if he ever lied to me again that it would be over.
He was doing really pretty well for about two weeks. Then I left for a trip to visit my mom. I was really worried about leaving him, thinking that he might have a relapse. He called a few days after I had left and told me he had bought a 6-pack and had had a drink. He ended up dumping the rest out after he called someone from his AA meeting. I was happy he told me but since then I have just been crying. I'm just tired. This is all we talk about now and I'm exhausted. It almost seems like all of this has just pulled off the band-aid that's been barely holding us together - now I see all the problems, issues, and things that I had been in denial about. I am strongly considering divorce.
I'm just trying to figure out if I can handle all of this. It's so exhausting and I'm already tired of it after only three weeks. How do people sustain marriages through this? Those of you who have done it, how have you been successful? The worst thing is that I feel guilty even thinking this. He's going through some really difficult stuff and here I am being selfish. I am just not sure I can take all of this.
He was doing really pretty well for about two weeks. Then I left for a trip to visit my mom. I was really worried about leaving him, thinking that he might have a relapse. He called a few days after I had left and told me he had bought a 6-pack and had had a drink. He ended up dumping the rest out after he called someone from his AA meeting. I was happy he told me but since then I have just been crying. I'm just tired. This is all we talk about now and I'm exhausted. It almost seems like all of this has just pulled off the band-aid that's been barely holding us together - now I see all the problems, issues, and things that I had been in denial about. I am strongly considering divorce.
I'm just trying to figure out if I can handle all of this. It's so exhausting and I'm already tired of it after only three weeks. How do people sustain marriages through this? Those of you who have done it, how have you been successful? The worst thing is that I feel guilty even thinking this. He's going through some really difficult stuff and here I am being selfish. I am just not sure I can take all of this.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Welcome to SR. Thank you for sharing you thoughts here. You'll find experience, support, and hope here so please keep posting.
As to your strength, you have so much more within you than you can ever understand at this point. Please trust in yourself and have faith. Deep breath in and out and repeat.
It is beyond exhausting to try to talk to a loved one about their addiction. Thankfully, that is NOT something you are responsible for. Try to find a way detach yourself from his recovery (warts and all) while staying supportive of his effort. Let his AA contact and sponsor be his gatekeepers.
It is time to focus on what you need to be happy and what you want in a relationship. No answers have to be sought out tonight. In time, any decision to stay or go will become clear.
Again, welcome to SR. Keep posting.
Peace.
Alice
(Living with alcoholic boyfriend 10+ years.)
As to your strength, you have so much more within you than you can ever understand at this point. Please trust in yourself and have faith. Deep breath in and out and repeat.
It is beyond exhausting to try to talk to a loved one about their addiction. Thankfully, that is NOT something you are responsible for. Try to find a way detach yourself from his recovery (warts and all) while staying supportive of his effort. Let his AA contact and sponsor be his gatekeepers.
It is time to focus on what you need to be happy and what you want in a relationship. No answers have to be sought out tonight. In time, any decision to stay or go will become clear.
Again, welcome to SR. Keep posting.
Peace.
Alice
(Living with alcoholic boyfriend 10+ years.)
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 60
Welcome. I am glad you are here but sorry for the experience that brings you here. You may want to read the stickies at the top. They were very helpful to me when I was trying to decide whether to stay or leave. There are also numerous people who will be along with far wiser advice.
Only you are able to decide which path is right for you. You are not being selfish - you are doing what you need to in order to take care of yourself and I applaud you for that.
Quite honestly, it seems has if you have been dealing with this far longer than 3 weeks if you had arguments 4 years ago regarding his drinking. It's only been 3 weeks that it's been dealt with openly.
Dealing with this IS exhausting. It is mentally, emotionally and physically draining.
However, you don't have to make any decision today if you're not comfortable with making the decision. Sometimes we all need time to decide what we really want to do.
The best thing you can do for yourself right now is focus on yourself. Take care of yourself and if you need to - seek outside support. I found therapy and Alanon both to be very helpful.
Only you are able to decide which path is right for you. You are not being selfish - you are doing what you need to in order to take care of yourself and I applaud you for that.
Quite honestly, it seems has if you have been dealing with this far longer than 3 weeks if you had arguments 4 years ago regarding his drinking. It's only been 3 weeks that it's been dealt with openly.
Dealing with this IS exhausting. It is mentally, emotionally and physically draining.
However, you don't have to make any decision today if you're not comfortable with making the decision. Sometimes we all need time to decide what we really want to do.
The best thing you can do for yourself right now is focus on yourself. Take care of yourself and if you need to - seek outside support. I found therapy and Alanon both to be very helpful.
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Hi and welcome to the SR family!
Other's will be along soon to greet you and share their experience.
I am a recovering alcoholic, and divorced from my alcoholic husband. I got sober, he didn't want to. We stayed together for a while, but I finally had enough and divorced to protect myself and children from the legal and financial fall-out of active addiction. He has since gotten sober, attends AA, has a sponsor and is working the steps.
I attend alanon meetings. Alanon is for you, the family and friend of an alcoholic. You will meet people there that feel the same way you do, exhausted from trying to keep everything under control.
He has a program (AA) to help him work on him. He will learn new coping skills to deal with life without searching for answers in the bottom of a bottle. He will hopefully learn to take responsibility for his actions. Let him be responsible for him. Remember, you didn't cause his addiction to alcohol, you couldn't control it and you weren't able to cure it.
Alanon is a program to help you work on you. SR is also a great place to get support for you. I recommend reading the sticky posts at the top of this forum. A wealth of information there! I hope you find peace and serenity for yourself!
Other's will be along soon to greet you and share their experience.
I am a recovering alcoholic, and divorced from my alcoholic husband. I got sober, he didn't want to. We stayed together for a while, but I finally had enough and divorced to protect myself and children from the legal and financial fall-out of active addiction. He has since gotten sober, attends AA, has a sponsor and is working the steps.
I attend alanon meetings. Alanon is for you, the family and friend of an alcoholic. You will meet people there that feel the same way you do, exhausted from trying to keep everything under control.
He has a program (AA) to help him work on him. He will learn new coping skills to deal with life without searching for answers in the bottom of a bottle. He will hopefully learn to take responsibility for his actions. Let him be responsible for him. Remember, you didn't cause his addiction to alcohol, you couldn't control it and you weren't able to cure it.
Alanon is a program to help you work on you. SR is also a great place to get support for you. I recommend reading the sticky posts at the top of this forum. A wealth of information there! I hope you find peace and serenity for yourself!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Baltimore, MD
Posts: 232
Profesora, welcome to hell, and to here.
The good news is that you can leave this behind. If you are exhausted after 3weeks, you will age yourself tremendously and shorten your own life by staying in your situation any longer.
I've been dealing with my wife's addiction for over 3 years, and it's all but worn me out. Everything you're thinking and feeling is what you're supposed to be: guilt, anger, resentment, distrust, betrayel(feel free to add to the list).
The truth is that unless he acknowledges he has a problem(my wife, as functional as she may be right now, has yet to really do this), he won't do anything about it: Not for you, his parents/family,your unborn child(ren), God, you name it. If he can't love himself to help himself, then you can't expect him to love you, his children, God, or anything else.
There will be alot of promises(broken), token gestures(sham) of trying to deal with his problem(literature was a nice touch. my wife left names, numbers and addresses of councelors/doctors/NARANON meetings. Never did anything with any of them). Unless YOU change what YOU are doing about it, keep expecting more of the same.
Sometimes you may be saying/thinking 'it's not him, it's the booze', somehow trying to seperate the person from the addiction. The truth is you can't. Your husband(my wife) has an addiction, and the addict is your husband(my wife). You can't seperate them. God knows I've tried, and I've found out that it can't be done.
Then you have to wrestle with the idea that even if he does clean his act up, will the thought of him falling off the wagon ever leave your mind? If it can't, can you live with that?
As you have no children yet, you can make a cleaner break. I have 4 kids, and my choices are extremly limited for now.
I sincerely apologize for the acid in my response, but the more I read your post, I'm silently screaming 'GET THE HELL OT NOW!!!'.
Good people here, was some good perspectives/insights. Read on, hang in there, and go on making your life for you.
The good news is that you can leave this behind. If you are exhausted after 3weeks, you will age yourself tremendously and shorten your own life by staying in your situation any longer.
I've been dealing with my wife's addiction for over 3 years, and it's all but worn me out. Everything you're thinking and feeling is what you're supposed to be: guilt, anger, resentment, distrust, betrayel(feel free to add to the list).
The truth is that unless he acknowledges he has a problem(my wife, as functional as she may be right now, has yet to really do this), he won't do anything about it: Not for you, his parents/family,your unborn child(ren), God, you name it. If he can't love himself to help himself, then you can't expect him to love you, his children, God, or anything else.
There will be alot of promises(broken), token gestures(sham) of trying to deal with his problem(literature was a nice touch. my wife left names, numbers and addresses of councelors/doctors/NARANON meetings. Never did anything with any of them). Unless YOU change what YOU are doing about it, keep expecting more of the same.
Sometimes you may be saying/thinking 'it's not him, it's the booze', somehow trying to seperate the person from the addiction. The truth is you can't. Your husband(my wife) has an addiction, and the addict is your husband(my wife). You can't seperate them. God knows I've tried, and I've found out that it can't be done.
Then you have to wrestle with the idea that even if he does clean his act up, will the thought of him falling off the wagon ever leave your mind? If it can't, can you live with that?
As you have no children yet, you can make a cleaner break. I have 4 kids, and my choices are extremly limited for now.
I sincerely apologize for the acid in my response, but the more I read your post, I'm silently screaming 'GET THE HELL OT NOW!!!'.
Good people here, was some good perspectives/insights. Read on, hang in there, and go on making your life for you.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Welcome, profesora, and yikes. You are inside the cyclone for sure. Yikes. Worrying that he will relapse because you are out of town is a big red flag that you have entered the swirling cyclone of codependency.
I married an alcoholic many years ago, not knowing he was an addict. It took me a year to realize he had a problem. And another year to try to deal with it.
I knew nothing of the disease and it never occurred to me to read a book on it. Why is that? So many who live with addicts do not seek information on the disease. If they did, they'd soon learn that switching the type of drink, measuring out the drink, keeping the drink under lock and key, believing the alcoholic when he says he didn't drink, looking into his eyes for signs of the drink....is an insane way to live and does not work. Period.
I left at the end of the second year of marriage because after two months of white-knuckle sobriety, he binged hard and hit me. One hit, and I knew not to stay for another.
I thought he had been getting help. He went to AA, said it wouldn't work because he was atheist. So he went to a hypnotist. I eventually learned that he told the hypnotist he was there to stop SMOKING cigarettes. Never mentioned alcohol.
But he really didn't want to stop drinking. Really did not want to stop. And he saw me as a clear threat to his addiction.
My suggestion to anyone married to an active addict is to physically separate, live apart while issues are being worked out. The addict need to confront his life-threatening addiction with the help of those who can really help him: other addicts and addiction specialists. You are merely in the way.
And while he works on his sobriety, you can work on you. Later, if you both hold up well through the hard, separate work, you can reunite. I would wait 18 months minimum.
That is my suggestion, but you must do what your best instinct tells you to do. Just realize you are maybe not your most rational these days....so take it slow and pray to your higher power to show you the way.
Good luck. Be safe. Many here can offer you amazing support.
I married an alcoholic many years ago, not knowing he was an addict. It took me a year to realize he had a problem. And another year to try to deal with it.
I knew nothing of the disease and it never occurred to me to read a book on it. Why is that? So many who live with addicts do not seek information on the disease. If they did, they'd soon learn that switching the type of drink, measuring out the drink, keeping the drink under lock and key, believing the alcoholic when he says he didn't drink, looking into his eyes for signs of the drink....is an insane way to live and does not work. Period.
I left at the end of the second year of marriage because after two months of white-knuckle sobriety, he binged hard and hit me. One hit, and I knew not to stay for another.
I thought he had been getting help. He went to AA, said it wouldn't work because he was atheist. So he went to a hypnotist. I eventually learned that he told the hypnotist he was there to stop SMOKING cigarettes. Never mentioned alcohol.
But he really didn't want to stop drinking. Really did not want to stop. And he saw me as a clear threat to his addiction.
My suggestion to anyone married to an active addict is to physically separate, live apart while issues are being worked out. The addict need to confront his life-threatening addiction with the help of those who can really help him: other addicts and addiction specialists. You are merely in the way.
And while he works on his sobriety, you can work on you. Later, if you both hold up well through the hard, separate work, you can reunite. I would wait 18 months minimum.
That is my suggestion, but you must do what your best instinct tells you to do. Just realize you are maybe not your most rational these days....so take it slow and pray to your higher power to show you the way.
Good luck. Be safe. Many here can offer you amazing support.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
My suggestion to anyone married to an active addict is to physically separate, live apart while issues are being worked out. The addict need to confront his life-threatening addiction with the help of those who can really help him: other addicts and addiction specialists. You are merely in the way.
And while he works on his sobriety, you can work on you. Later, if you both hold up well through the hard, separate work, you can reunite. I would wait 18 months minimum.
And while he works on his sobriety, you can work on you. Later, if you both hold up well through the hard, separate work, you can reunite. I would wait 18 months minimum.
Curled up in a good book...
Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: UK
Posts: 1,542
welcome (((profesora74)))
I just want to recommend Melody Beattie's 'Co-depenadant No More'. I was with my AH 18 years and this book (as well as SR) really changed my life! It gave me practical tools for living with AH - detaching, boundaries etc. until he left.
I just want to recommend Melody Beattie's 'Co-depenadant No More'. I was with my AH 18 years and this book (as well as SR) really changed my life! It gave me practical tools for living with AH - detaching, boundaries etc. until he left.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
profesora-
glad you are here. in reading your first post, what went through my mind was this woman doesn't quite yet understand the patterns of the alcoholic. to me, it feels that you have been suffering for years because of it.
my story is not much different than yours. it took, for me, the education here and understanding alcoholism a bit more, to realize that it was all there in my relationship...the lies, the uneasy feelings, the manipulation, the promises....
for me, the first time he lied (which of course, wasn't the first time but it was the first time i was sure it was a lie) the trust went. after that followed years of uneasiness, looking for the next lie to support the drink....and oh! there were so many!
i realized that although my ABF was drinking...there was SO MUCH DRINKING I WAS UNAWARE OF...and the amount i knew of was already way too much...
then the lies, the cheating, the financial descent to poverty, the babies not supported, the fights, the violence, the depressions, the car wrecks, the arrests....
...for me, it's has been a process of separating gradually from my A, beginning with getting away from him by moving out and getting some peace back in my head so that i can think straight...
the advice you will find here is to detach, which for me has been a process but detaching i am ! he can get on with his drinking. i'm going to get on with my life. i need to be able to trust my lover, my partner and unfortunately, with alcohol, they are not trustworthy.
yours has already shown you that he will lie to you to continue drinking.
good luck to you.
glad you are here. in reading your first post, what went through my mind was this woman doesn't quite yet understand the patterns of the alcoholic. to me, it feels that you have been suffering for years because of it.
my story is not much different than yours. it took, for me, the education here and understanding alcoholism a bit more, to realize that it was all there in my relationship...the lies, the uneasy feelings, the manipulation, the promises....
for me, the first time he lied (which of course, wasn't the first time but it was the first time i was sure it was a lie) the trust went. after that followed years of uneasiness, looking for the next lie to support the drink....and oh! there were so many!
i realized that although my ABF was drinking...there was SO MUCH DRINKING I WAS UNAWARE OF...and the amount i knew of was already way too much...
then the lies, the cheating, the financial descent to poverty, the babies not supported, the fights, the violence, the depressions, the car wrecks, the arrests....
...for me, it's has been a process of separating gradually from my A, beginning with getting away from him by moving out and getting some peace back in my head so that i can think straight...
the advice you will find here is to detach, which for me has been a process but detaching i am ! he can get on with his drinking. i'm going to get on with my life. i need to be able to trust my lover, my partner and unfortunately, with alcohol, they are not trustworthy.
yours has already shown you that he will lie to you to continue drinking.
good luck to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by Profesora74 
I have been married for almost two years - we were together two years before that. I had always known AH had a problem but I made a lot of excuses ("At least he doesn't..." and "It's not that bad...").
That led to five years of absolute insanity.
It never got better, only worse.
I would encourage you to find Alanon in your area and start attending for your own sanity.
:ghug :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi and welcome!
I am sorry that you are going through this. I too recommend al anon as it has helped me deal with emotions and know that my situation was not isolated. There are patterns with active A's and al anon has people who have been there, done that and can offer their experiences.
Since you have been trying to have a baby with this man, I would suggest that you take precautions in that area right now. I have observed people having a baby and thinking that will help the situation, but I have never seen that work. Just my observation as I do not have kids and am not married.
Great advice on the books too. Beattie's "Co dependent No More" helped me.
Miss
I am sorry that you are going through this. I too recommend al anon as it has helped me deal with emotions and know that my situation was not isolated. There are patterns with active A's and al anon has people who have been there, done that and can offer their experiences.
Since you have been trying to have a baby with this man, I would suggest that you take precautions in that area right now. I have observed people having a baby and thinking that will help the situation, but I have never seen that work. Just my observation as I do not have kids and am not married.
Great advice on the books too. Beattie's "Co dependent No More" helped me.
Miss
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 4
Thank you, everyone, for these helpful thoughts and well wishes. I truly can believe I have become the textbook codependent, especially when I find myself almost missing the times he was drinking (ugh, I can't believe I am even typing this). As long as it didn't cause a problem/argument, I was okay with it. Well, maybe I wasn't okay with it but we had learned to live with it - you know what I mean? Now, it seems like something we can't avoid or hide from any longer and it's a lot more difficult to deal with. Again, I know this is petty and pathetic but it has felt that way.
Thanks again - I look forward to my first Alanon meeting this week and getting more helpful support from this board.
Thanks again - I look forward to my first Alanon meeting this week and getting more helpful support from this board.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi Profesora!
Good for you for attending Al anon and seeking forums like this one.
Good for you as well to start thinking about yourself. That is not selfish at all, it is a healthy thing to do.
I am glad you are here, this is a wonderful site.
I would also be more cautious regarding the future baby, if things are not stable now, bringing a baby to the equation will only make things more complicated. Its just not fair to the baby, or to you.
You have to be healthy first!
Welcome!
Good for you for attending Al anon and seeking forums like this one.
Good for you as well to start thinking about yourself. That is not selfish at all, it is a healthy thing to do.
I am glad you are here, this is a wonderful site.
I would also be more cautious regarding the future baby, if things are not stable now, bringing a baby to the equation will only make things more complicated. Its just not fair to the baby, or to you.
You have to be healthy first!
Welcome!
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