AH been out of house for a week- Its been hell
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: anderson, sc
Posts: 14
AH been out of house for a week- Its been hell
Hi Everyone,
I posted last week, AH came out of detox and was drinking again the same week. I made him leave, he's been gone for a week- Its been a VERY difficult week. I was expecting a child in December and unfortunately miscarried yesterday- In the midst of everything else lets just say I am not coping well. I feel the only one who can truly comfort me is AH since he has experienced a loss too, but he has most certainly been no saint through this. After kicking him out last Thursday, he was out drinking on Sunday. He has blamed me for putting myself under too much stress by making him leave, but then in the next breath tells me everything is going to be ok, we can try again and we will get through this (its a sick cycle, to say the least). We have now seen 2 therapist, but of whom support my desire for a separation until the alcohol, and our other issues are sorted through, but he wont even consider it. He says if I dont love him enough to let him come home then its over.
I know Im right, but its gutwrencing to truly love your husband and go through this loss and then watch your marriage fall apart....
Just needing to vent
I posted last week, AH came out of detox and was drinking again the same week. I made him leave, he's been gone for a week- Its been a VERY difficult week. I was expecting a child in December and unfortunately miscarried yesterday- In the midst of everything else lets just say I am not coping well. I feel the only one who can truly comfort me is AH since he has experienced a loss too, but he has most certainly been no saint through this. After kicking him out last Thursday, he was out drinking on Sunday. He has blamed me for putting myself under too much stress by making him leave, but then in the next breath tells me everything is going to be ok, we can try again and we will get through this (its a sick cycle, to say the least). We have now seen 2 therapist, but of whom support my desire for a separation until the alcohol, and our other issues are sorted through, but he wont even consider it. He says if I dont love him enough to let him come home then its over.
I know Im right, but its gutwrencing to truly love your husband and go through this loss and then watch your marriage fall apart....
Just needing to vent
Dueindecember, I'm so sorry for your loss.
Are you able to make an appointment with the therapist you're closest to -- right now? Your mind and body are being tugged in a million different directions by stress, his guilt trips, grief, hormones, and anger, and you really could use a steady, impartial professional voice to help bring you back to center. Are you able to do that?
Hugs to you
GL
Are you able to make an appointment with the therapist you're closest to -- right now? Your mind and body are being tugged in a million different directions by stress, his guilt trips, grief, hormones, and anger, and you really could use a steady, impartial professional voice to help bring you back to center. Are you able to do that?
Hugs to you
GL
:sorry
I'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I wish there was more we could do to support you, right now.
But my thoughts and prayers are with you in the middle of this difficult set of circumstances.
Try to make it a few moments at a time, until tomorrow.
More folks will be along to send encouragement. We do care what happens to you, and hope your tomorrow can be brighter.
Hugs,
CLMI
I'm very sorry to hear about your miscarriage. I wish there was more we could do to support you, right now.
But my thoughts and prayers are with you in the middle of this difficult set of circumstances.
Try to make it a few moments at a time, until tomorrow.
More folks will be along to send encouragement. We do care what happens to you, and hope your tomorrow can be brighter.
Hugs,
CLMI
If your marriage counselor is committed to helping YOU, and not just doing what's best for the marriage, then that's a good move. Someone who will be on YOUR side, not on "our" side. I got a lot out of seeing someone who specialized in grief issues. He brought me back to life, and helped me steer clear of future trauma.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: anderson, sc
Posts: 14
The counselor is the best imagineable. She specializes in families and addictions, and while she does want marriages to succeed, she applauds me for setting firm boundaries (like maintaining 90days sobriety before revisiting our issues)
I guess its a red flag when 2 marriage counselors tell you that separation is for the best
I guess its a red flag when 2 marriage counselors tell you that separation is for the best
I am so deeply sorry, dear. What heartache for you. What loss. Do you have a mother you are close to, who can help you through this? A woman who can draw near you? You need LOVE, december, more than you have ever in your life needed it. Who can give it to you? Who loves you wholeheartedly and unreservedly?
Seek out that person. Tell that person your whole story. And tell that person you need love to help you through.
Don't be alone. And don't look to AH for anything. You need the foundation of strong and loving people to hold you right now.
We are always so isolated in our relationship with addicts. We are always so bereft and hurt. And now you have lost a baby.
You need to seek out love. Pick up the phone, honey, and find it.
Worrying about you. Find a safe place.
Seek out that person. Tell that person your whole story. And tell that person you need love to help you through.
Don't be alone. And don't look to AH for anything. You need the foundation of strong and loving people to hold you right now.
We are always so isolated in our relationship with addicts. We are always so bereft and hurt. And now you have lost a baby.
You need to seek out love. Pick up the phone, honey, and find it.
Worrying about you. Find a safe place.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pac Northwest
Posts: 95
I'm so sorry for your loss. And sounds like you have multiple losses you're dealing with.
As I am learning, him blaming you is quite predictable. So is the manipulation and emotional blackmail (you separate and it's over). those words are not coming from a place of love, they are coming from his OWN loss and addiction issues.
Setting boundaries is REALLY hard to do with someone we love. But, ultimately, it is always necessary if you want to change the current situation. It's about all you can change. Your own limits.
That continual blame will eat away at your soul.
I commend your therapists for recommending a separation. I wish I had followed my gut and done that 10 months ago.
It's happening now. It could not be avoided, as much as i wanted to remain a "family".
We understand how you feel.
As I am learning, him blaming you is quite predictable. So is the manipulation and emotional blackmail (you separate and it's over). those words are not coming from a place of love, they are coming from his OWN loss and addiction issues.
Setting boundaries is REALLY hard to do with someone we love. But, ultimately, it is always necessary if you want to change the current situation. It's about all you can change. Your own limits.
That continual blame will eat away at your soul.
I commend your therapists for recommending a separation. I wish I had followed my gut and done that 10 months ago.
It's happening now. It could not be avoided, as much as i wanted to remain a "family".
We understand how you feel.
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Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
Oh, my heart breaks for you. When you such a big loss to deal with, NOBODY, not even the father of your child should place any demands on you. None. That should be reason enough for you to stand firm. I can remember facing multiple losses and still having my AH make me feel guilty for not meeting his selfish needs. HOW DARE THEY?
Find a soft warm place where you can heal.
Find a soft warm place where you can heal.
Oh hun, I'm so sorry!
We'd all love you to hug you right now and let you know that you are special and loved. ((()))
I know from experience, that you want the person you love to give you the love, comfort and support you need right now. It is what is familiar to you. Unfortunately, it is unavailable to you in a healthy way at this time. You may have heard us refer to it this way: going to the hardware store and asking for a loaf of bread? We come up empty when we do that.
BlueJay gave an excellent suggestion. Is there someone in your family or a friend you can lean on right now. Tell them everything you are feeling and let them know you need to feel love right now.
We are your SR family and we care about you!
May your HP fill you with love today.
We'd all love you to hug you right now and let you know that you are special and loved. ((()))
I know from experience, that you want the person you love to give you the love, comfort and support you need right now. It is what is familiar to you. Unfortunately, it is unavailable to you in a healthy way at this time. You may have heard us refer to it this way: going to the hardware store and asking for a loaf of bread? We come up empty when we do that.
BlueJay gave an excellent suggestion. Is there someone in your family or a friend you can lean on right now. Tell them everything you are feeling and let them know you need to feel love right now.
We are your SR family and we care about you!
May your HP fill you with love today.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 22
I am so sorry for your loss. It's hard enough to go through with good support...although I do believe men have tendencies to not grieve the miscarriages as fully as we do since many times it has never become "real" for them yet. BTDT
Take care of yourself and ditto what Pelican said:
May your HP fill you with love (and peace) today. (((Hugs)))
Take care of yourself and ditto what Pelican said:
May your HP fill you with love (and peace) today. (((Hugs)))
due,
My heart goes out to you at this difficult time. If I can make a book recommendation: Melody Beattie The Grief Club. It talks about different kind of losses, including the loss of a child as Melody herself lost her son at age 7 if I remember well.
Oh I wish I was able to take out a magic wand and make you feel better. Know you are not alone.
((hugs))
My heart goes out to you at this difficult time. If I can make a book recommendation: Melody Beattie The Grief Club. It talks about different kind of losses, including the loss of a child as Melody herself lost her son at age 7 if I remember well.
Oh I wish I was able to take out a magic wand and make you feel better. Know you are not alone.
((hugs))
Member
Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
((((december))))......You are in my thoughts and prayers. Having been a mother/baby nurse for almost 2 decades I can tell you that no amount of stress will "cause" a miscarriage. DO NOT carry the guilt he has offered you. The 2 event (you kicking him out and the loss of your baby) are completely seperate and unrelated.
This is where you learn to accept the things you cannot change (the miscarriage), and have the courage to change the things you can (your marital situation)......I pray you fing the wisdon to know the difference.
This is where you learn to accept the things you cannot change (the miscarriage), and have the courage to change the things you can (your marital situation)......I pray you fing the wisdon to know the difference.
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