introduction
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 24
introduction
Hello, I'd like to introduce myself but i am not sure if i should do it in this section or in another. I am feeling very confused right now so if this does belong in another section, perhaps it can be moved?
I have an ABF ( in recovery ) and have also recently made the conection that i have co dependant issues. I have just started going to Al -Anon ( 3 times ) and i find the experiences there a great comfort. I am hopeful that I will be able to get to grips with being Co - dep and overcoming the problems i have. I started to do make very positive changes to my thinking and behaviour paterns a few months before going to AL ANON and will continue to do so with their support, guidance and the steps.
The problem is that whilst i am really happy with the way things are going and how i am progressing. There are so many people around me who are non supportive and are trying to undermine what i am doing at every turn. It is a constant battle to keep on the positive and follow the 'plan' for my own recovery. The worse offender in all this is my ABF who is so insecure and verbally abusive towards me and has become so much worse since i started to try and 'change'
I didn't know he was an alcoholic when we met. about 5 months into the relationship i question his drinking and gave him an ultimatum. He denied being an alcoholic and 'proved it' by becomeing tea total straight away. He has been tea total for the past 2 years but the lovably laid back confident independant young man i fell in love with began to show occasional flashes of being insecure abusive, controlling, tyranical, angry, and could have a twisted sort of reasoning. In my heart i knew it was twisted reasoning but he always managed to convince me that it was me who was somehow twisted.
Anyhow, long story short, he just became worse and worse and so unpredictable that i just ended up living this relationship an hour at a time almost. I knew it couldnt go on and began wondering what being an alchoholic really meant so began researching. I discovered that he was a 'dry drunk' and that i had co dependant issues. I showed him the evidence and he decided he should to go to AA. and i decided to work on my issues. ( which i was doing successfuly i thought, making changes and putting down boundries and sticking to them ) Weeks came and went and there was always some excuse or other for him not to go to a meetng so eventually i went to an AL ANON meetng and then he actually went to an AA meeting himself. I think now that he has been along to 2 meeting, and he suddenly knows it all. hes suddenly enlightened and he suddenly knows what it's all about - hes got spiritual!! except that he is worse than ever towards me.. verbally abusive, unpredictable, agressive blaming me for everything from a bad cell phone connection to, making him crazy, to making him insecure.. ive lost count of the things i am supposed to have done. The worse thing of all is that his thinking is so very twisted, his rational has completely gone and his anger is at a frightening level. he shouts at me and his face becomes so distorted it's unrecognisable. he calls me and finishes the relationship with me almost everyday then calls as if nothings happened, when question him about that he says well its only said in anger because i drove him to it by talking disrespectfuly to him.. I have read a lot and think i understand how a dry drunks behaviour and moods affect things and i try to accomodate what ought to be done when dealing with this sort of behaviour. I let go, let god. detatch with love. realise you cannot argue with the irrational thought patterns ect ect. but what i really dont know now is. Is this behaviour part of the problem of alchohol or is this behaviour his real personallity. Up untill now i've always given him the benifit of the doub't becuase whilst i could say this was the problem of the alchohol i always had hope that the relationship could recover if only we worked hard on 'healing' ourselves and our issues. But if this terribly abusive, twisted, controlling agressive behaviour is really his true personallity then i am left with no hope at all. The lovely guy i fell in love with was just a total illusion created by drinking alcohol and was, to all intents and purposes a non existant fictional charactrer who is now dead to me. I do think i am in grief for that person, it's like someone i knew and loved but who suddenly went away and I am actually becoming frightened of what i have been given as a substitute.
I realise he does not like the changes i have made to myself, and this has aggrivated him but he seems determined to destroy what i am achieving. I have told myself to be strong, this is just the behaviour of an alchoholic.. but after a particullarly bad episode last night i am now thinking. No this isnt the behaviour of an alchoholic, this is the behaviour of a man who weather he was a drunk or not, is just not a very nice person.
It's almost as if, since he's discovered that he was indeed an alcoholic he resents me for discovering his 'secret'. He dislikes the fact i'm altering the dynamics of the relationship by trying to make it better. resents the fact that i have co dependant issues and taunts me about them. but most of all is using his new found knowledge of his condition to not hold back any sort of horrid, or bad and intolerable behaviour.
HOw do you tell what the real personallity is, I feel like i am going off my head at the moment..? any help advice or thoughts offered on this would be wonderful.
Sorry for the long post, theres loads more i could write, i expect you know what i mean. I just needed to get something down on paper as it were. i could do with some friendly words, and a hug i suppose.
I have an ABF ( in recovery ) and have also recently made the conection that i have co dependant issues. I have just started going to Al -Anon ( 3 times ) and i find the experiences there a great comfort. I am hopeful that I will be able to get to grips with being Co - dep and overcoming the problems i have. I started to do make very positive changes to my thinking and behaviour paterns a few months before going to AL ANON and will continue to do so with their support, guidance and the steps.
The problem is that whilst i am really happy with the way things are going and how i am progressing. There are so many people around me who are non supportive and are trying to undermine what i am doing at every turn. It is a constant battle to keep on the positive and follow the 'plan' for my own recovery. The worse offender in all this is my ABF who is so insecure and verbally abusive towards me and has become so much worse since i started to try and 'change'
I didn't know he was an alcoholic when we met. about 5 months into the relationship i question his drinking and gave him an ultimatum. He denied being an alcoholic and 'proved it' by becomeing tea total straight away. He has been tea total for the past 2 years but the lovably laid back confident independant young man i fell in love with began to show occasional flashes of being insecure abusive, controlling, tyranical, angry, and could have a twisted sort of reasoning. In my heart i knew it was twisted reasoning but he always managed to convince me that it was me who was somehow twisted.
Anyhow, long story short, he just became worse and worse and so unpredictable that i just ended up living this relationship an hour at a time almost. I knew it couldnt go on and began wondering what being an alchoholic really meant so began researching. I discovered that he was a 'dry drunk' and that i had co dependant issues. I showed him the evidence and he decided he should to go to AA. and i decided to work on my issues. ( which i was doing successfuly i thought, making changes and putting down boundries and sticking to them ) Weeks came and went and there was always some excuse or other for him not to go to a meetng so eventually i went to an AL ANON meetng and then he actually went to an AA meeting himself. I think now that he has been along to 2 meeting, and he suddenly knows it all. hes suddenly enlightened and he suddenly knows what it's all about - hes got spiritual!! except that he is worse than ever towards me.. verbally abusive, unpredictable, agressive blaming me for everything from a bad cell phone connection to, making him crazy, to making him insecure.. ive lost count of the things i am supposed to have done. The worse thing of all is that his thinking is so very twisted, his rational has completely gone and his anger is at a frightening level. he shouts at me and his face becomes so distorted it's unrecognisable. he calls me and finishes the relationship with me almost everyday then calls as if nothings happened, when question him about that he says well its only said in anger because i drove him to it by talking disrespectfuly to him.. I have read a lot and think i understand how a dry drunks behaviour and moods affect things and i try to accomodate what ought to be done when dealing with this sort of behaviour. I let go, let god. detatch with love. realise you cannot argue with the irrational thought patterns ect ect. but what i really dont know now is. Is this behaviour part of the problem of alchohol or is this behaviour his real personallity. Up untill now i've always given him the benifit of the doub't becuase whilst i could say this was the problem of the alchohol i always had hope that the relationship could recover if only we worked hard on 'healing' ourselves and our issues. But if this terribly abusive, twisted, controlling agressive behaviour is really his true personallity then i am left with no hope at all. The lovely guy i fell in love with was just a total illusion created by drinking alcohol and was, to all intents and purposes a non existant fictional charactrer who is now dead to me. I do think i am in grief for that person, it's like someone i knew and loved but who suddenly went away and I am actually becoming frightened of what i have been given as a substitute.
I realise he does not like the changes i have made to myself, and this has aggrivated him but he seems determined to destroy what i am achieving. I have told myself to be strong, this is just the behaviour of an alchoholic.. but after a particullarly bad episode last night i am now thinking. No this isnt the behaviour of an alchoholic, this is the behaviour of a man who weather he was a drunk or not, is just not a very nice person.
It's almost as if, since he's discovered that he was indeed an alcoholic he resents me for discovering his 'secret'. He dislikes the fact i'm altering the dynamics of the relationship by trying to make it better. resents the fact that i have co dependant issues and taunts me about them. but most of all is using his new found knowledge of his condition to not hold back any sort of horrid, or bad and intolerable behaviour.
HOw do you tell what the real personallity is, I feel like i am going off my head at the moment..? any help advice or thoughts offered on this would be wonderful.
Sorry for the long post, theres loads more i could write, i expect you know what i mean. I just needed to get something down on paper as it were. i could do with some friendly words, and a hug i suppose.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: The Swish Alps, SF CA
Posts: 2,144
Hi
Welcome to SR
I feel you answered your own question
You are worth more then to allow anyone treat you like this, drinking or not drinking, sane or insane, whatever the reason you don't need to allow someone in your life that treats you like this.
I actually have met someone like this, when drinking he was the funnest, funniest, most amiable man you could ever hope to meet, take away the alcohol and he was one of the nastiest, most vicious people I have ever encountered.
Please read the stickies up at the top, read the stories, I feel you will relate to the stories posted here and find support.
Welcome to SR
How do you tell what the real personality is?
this terribly abusive, twisted, controlling agressive behaviour is really his true personallity
The lovely guy i fell in love with was just a total illusion created by drinking alcohol and was, to all intents and purposes a non existant fictional charactrer who is now dead to me.
I am actually becoming frightened of what i have been given as a substitute.
he seems determined to destroy what i am achieving.
this is the behaviour of a man who weather he was a drunk or not, is just not a very nice person.
The lovely guy i fell in love with was just a total illusion created by drinking alcohol and was, to all intents and purposes a non existant fictional charactrer who is now dead to me.
I am actually becoming frightened of what i have been given as a substitute.
he seems determined to destroy what i am achieving.
this is the behaviour of a man who weather he was a drunk or not, is just not a very nice person.
I actually have met someone like this, when drinking he was the funnest, funniest, most amiable man you could ever hope to meet, take away the alcohol and he was one of the nastiest, most vicious people I have ever encountered.
Please read the stickies up at the top, read the stories, I feel you will relate to the stories posted here and find support.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
First of all, welcome to SR, and yes you are posting in the right place!
I am so glad to hear you recognize you have codependency issues and are working hard on those, including attending Alanon.
I will say that your boyfriend has no sort of recovery whatsoever, and that abuse, regardless of the form it takes is unacceptable for me.
You are very perceptive in recognizing that there are people who do not want us to get well, and will go to any lengths to sabotage those efforts.
Once I made a solid commitment to my recovery from codependency, and decided absolutely NO relationships during that process, my life began to improve, and is still improving to this day.
A huge part of that process was recognizing toxic people for what they were at that moment, and not as I had once known them, and protecting my own recovery.
It's obvious at this point he has no desire to change, that in spite of the fact he may not be drinking, he's miserable and abusive.
I hope you come to realize you deserve so much better than this!
:ghug :ghug :ghug
I am so glad to hear you recognize you have codependency issues and are working hard on those, including attending Alanon.
I will say that your boyfriend has no sort of recovery whatsoever, and that abuse, regardless of the form it takes is unacceptable for me.
You are very perceptive in recognizing that there are people who do not want us to get well, and will go to any lengths to sabotage those efforts.
Once I made a solid commitment to my recovery from codependency, and decided absolutely NO relationships during that process, my life began to improve, and is still improving to this day.
A huge part of that process was recognizing toxic people for what they were at that moment, and not as I had once known them, and protecting my own recovery.
It's obvious at this point he has no desire to change, that in spite of the fact he may not be drinking, he's miserable and abusive.
I hope you come to realize you deserve so much better than this!
:ghug :ghug :ghug
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Welcome bella 
It doesn't matter. IF his behavior is unacceptable to you, it doesn't matter if it's the alcoholic or him being an ass. That said, time will answer your question - leopards don't change their spots etc.
You sound like you have a good grasp of what's going on, helping yourself through al-anon, and recognizing that he's manipulating and very twisted "dry drunk" thinking and behavior.
What are you going to do if this situation never changes? How long will you put up with it? Do you have a backup plan? A place to go? Money?
Those are the important questions Bella - what about you?
Big big hugs to you, I know how very difficult this all is to live with. But know that it does NOT have to be this way.
:ghug
HOw do you tell what the real personallity is, I feel like i am going off my head at the moment..? any help advice or thoughts offered on this would be wonderful.
You sound like you have a good grasp of what's going on, helping yourself through al-anon, and recognizing that he's manipulating and very twisted "dry drunk" thinking and behavior.
What are you going to do if this situation never changes? How long will you put up with it? Do you have a backup plan? A place to go? Money?
Those are the important questions Bella - what about you?
Big big hugs to you, I know how very difficult this all is to live with. But know that it does NOT have to be this way.
:ghug
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Location: brighton, England
Posts: 65
Hi bella, Well done for offloading your problems. I find it really therapeutic, do you feel slightly better already? this a great place to chat. People will help and support you unconditionally.
Your post reminds me of someone else's. Take a look at it. The member was tracksuitman.( hope thats ok tsm) He had a similar story. I'm not sure how to find it (still working things out myself) but if you do, it may be of some relevance to you. Keep talking bella, take care.
Your post reminds me of someone else's. Take a look at it. The member was tracksuitman.( hope thats ok tsm) He had a similar story. I'm not sure how to find it (still working things out myself) but if you do, it may be of some relevance to you. Keep talking bella, take care.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
Hello, Bella, and welcome to SR!
You will be not be disappointed by the depth of wisdom based on experience which you will find on these forums. Hopefully, the courage you are showing already in dealing with the problems which you can control (going to Al-Anon) will grow with your understanding of this disease so that you are able to make only healthy decisions for YOU.
My recommended reading is the classic on co-dependency by Melody Beattie. You will read and re-read it. Her second volume called "Beyond Co-dependency" deals in part with embarking on new relationships with "available" partners. Non-available partners include alcoholics and other addicts UNLESS they have been working a program for at least one year.
ARL
You will be not be disappointed by the depth of wisdom based on experience which you will find on these forums. Hopefully, the courage you are showing already in dealing with the problems which you can control (going to Al-Anon) will grow with your understanding of this disease so that you are able to make only healthy decisions for YOU.
My recommended reading is the classic on co-dependency by Melody Beattie. You will read and re-read it. Her second volume called "Beyond Co-dependency" deals in part with embarking on new relationships with "available" partners. Non-available partners include alcoholics and other addicts UNLESS they have been working a program for at least one year.
ARL
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Welcome, bella, and so happy you are taking responsibility for your own recovery.
His behavior is extremely narcissistic, and whether that is caused by a personality disorder or by alcoholism, what it means is that he will absolutely shred you if he does not get what he wants.
My guess is that early in the relationship, he was getting what he wanted. And you know what? I even wonder if his going to the meetings was a way to one-up you, so he could add that to his arsenal of superiority.
I expect you are finding others "unsupportive" of you in your involvement with him because they are seeing him with unclouded eyes. Yours are still unfortunately clouded by the early experience of him in full-on con artist mode.
My guess is that the real him is what you are seeing: narcissistic, alcoholic, immature, unsafe, and arrogant.
I hope you get away soon.
His behavior is extremely narcissistic, and whether that is caused by a personality disorder or by alcoholism, what it means is that he will absolutely shred you if he does not get what he wants.
My guess is that early in the relationship, he was getting what he wanted. And you know what? I even wonder if his going to the meetings was a way to one-up you, so he could add that to his arsenal of superiority.
I expect you are finding others "unsupportive" of you in your involvement with him because they are seeing him with unclouded eyes. Yours are still unfortunately clouded by the early experience of him in full-on con artist mode.
My guess is that the real him is what you are seeing: narcissistic, alcoholic, immature, unsafe, and arrogant.
I hope you get away soon.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 24
Thank you, thank you, than you, all for you numerous replies and good advice, i guess this just confirms what i already knew but just didn't want to face up to. I still can't face up to it to be honest and find myself stuffing down the emotional golf ball i got stuck in my throt even as i'm writting this.
( before you read any further, i've just read this over and realised this is a long one again, probably way too long but i'm finding it carthartic so i'm going to continue to write - Please feel free to stop reading right here, if you have got a life to live, washing to get out on the line or just dont relish the idea of falling asleep at the computer.! :-) )
It's just been such a horrid few days for me. There I was just getting along with things, facing up to my problems and doing quite well. It's taken me agaes to get sorted, i started on my low lying depression, then my self esteem, I renewed ( or at least made contact with ) some of my old friendships, i signed up for an on line course. Started practicing self development techniques, found out about and thoroughly researched as much about alcoholism and co dependancy as i could, realised also that i probably have undiagnosed ADHD - it is diagnosed in my family and i began recognising the traits in me and i took a history of myself and have tried to put things into place toreduce the impact of this - did loads of things to get myself up and going, started taking charge of my physical health too ( recently started HRT ) and over the past few years have developed a strong spiritual belief which i have always gone to for comfort when things have seemed slow, hard, strange, difficult. ect ect. I have always said to myself that this was the Hp plan for me and that i am grateful to be learning even if it is a hard lesson.
I ignored the cold water my son poured on my efforts as being 'pie in the sky' because he has a mental illness and is very negative and depressed about everything. I have managed to defelect the daggers of moodiness that come from my mother as i recognise the co dependance type manipulation she gives for what it is now and i've let go with love the stuff my ABF has said as he 'has a problem' and this is how he behaves.
I realy don't think ive interfered with or tried to controll anyones lives. i probably am guilty of doing that in the past but i think it'smostly becuase it would be me that would always have to go in and pick up the pieces of everyones lives eventually anyway, I just got into the habit of trying to head everything off at the pass before it got that far.
Ok back to my issue of this week. ABF has been driving me nuts. ending things with me, making up, twisting things. looking for things to pick on.. trying to undermine and belittlemy efforts of self development. pickingon my supposed adhd and co - dependance as to why no one else would want me, that sort of thing... the trouble is that i see through it all and have stuck up for myself knowing i'm in the right.. for the first time in my life I have felt in a strong and powerful place, knowing where i was going.. knowing i was not mad and most of all knowing as much psychological stuff about manipulation, abuse alcoholism as i thought i could possibly know at this point. forwarned is forarmed ect ect, and all that...
Anyhow, it did all become a bit much i suppose, juggling the problems or lets be honest, difficult personalitys of the 3 people i have mentioned. They all require different things off me and i guess i was feeling the strain of being pulled in all sorts of directions. it all came to a head a few days ago when i had an enormous row with my mother. I felt she interfered with a decissin i had made and i got very annoyed with her, it felt so disrespectful. In the pat i would have shrugged this sort of behaviour from her off for fear of a confrontatin but sincei have began to see how eople are behaving i find myself getting angry about all sorts of things i wouldn't have, however i can use this anger in a positive way to make firm changes.
I didn't mean to have a big row with my mother and during it an awful lot of things were said which in hindsite should have come out a very long time ago.. i am grateful that the air was cleared but the upshot of it was that i seemed to have inenvertantly carried out step 4.. things my mother said about me caused me to take a really deep inventory of my life and i really did not like it, or want to go there. It was like all my emotional safety barriers came crashing down. all my hurts came tumbeling out in a rush and for the first time i could see how my behaviour had affected those around me.. it is horrible and painful to see your life and to know that your are the cause of most of the crap in it. I really havent done anything that has deliberatly hurt people, i'm not criminal and i'm kind to old people kids and animals.. in fact i'm so dependable you can set your watch by me and i've never indulged in any behaviour that could even be concidered rebelious in any way.. ive just been a very normal and good girl for all of my life. but the up shot is, I had such an issue with being CO- Dept. that every relationship i have had has been severely and unhealthily affected buy it.
One of the most painful things i remember saying during the row was that it all made sense now why all my romantic relationships were with emotionaly 'strange' men.. this isn't their fault. it was my fault for being attracted to them. but then it got painful becuase i realised that no 'normal' man had ever been atracted to me.. the sort of emotions i feel now are this.
i feel like ive been thrown backwards. like all my efforts at self development havent made any difference. i feel like ive not faced up to the reality and that i have as my son keeps telling me, been going round with a blindfold on. I am angry with the people around me for just not being nice enough to help me out but also very confused as to what to expect from people.. confused as to what thereality of my own thoughts are about people.. after all, everything ive thought about people up untill now was completely wrong.. wrong becuase i had not ever factored into the equasion when forming my opinionsof people the skewed co dept. veiw i had of them.. i no longer know what is right from what is wrong and find myself second guessing everyones motives and my own trying to figure it alout. What i want more than anything else is to go and live on my own far away from people and to neverhave anythig to do with them again..
Oh, i'm goingto stop there for now, ive no idea what i'm writing anymore.! I feel like i'm on the edge of nuttiness. It'l be nice to get to my next al anon meeting.
( before you read any further, i've just read this over and realised this is a long one again, probably way too long but i'm finding it carthartic so i'm going to continue to write - Please feel free to stop reading right here, if you have got a life to live, washing to get out on the line or just dont relish the idea of falling asleep at the computer.! :-) )
It's just been such a horrid few days for me. There I was just getting along with things, facing up to my problems and doing quite well. It's taken me agaes to get sorted, i started on my low lying depression, then my self esteem, I renewed ( or at least made contact with ) some of my old friendships, i signed up for an on line course. Started practicing self development techniques, found out about and thoroughly researched as much about alcoholism and co dependancy as i could, realised also that i probably have undiagnosed ADHD - it is diagnosed in my family and i began recognising the traits in me and i took a history of myself and have tried to put things into place toreduce the impact of this - did loads of things to get myself up and going, started taking charge of my physical health too ( recently started HRT ) and over the past few years have developed a strong spiritual belief which i have always gone to for comfort when things have seemed slow, hard, strange, difficult. ect ect. I have always said to myself that this was the Hp plan for me and that i am grateful to be learning even if it is a hard lesson.
I ignored the cold water my son poured on my efforts as being 'pie in the sky' because he has a mental illness and is very negative and depressed about everything. I have managed to defelect the daggers of moodiness that come from my mother as i recognise the co dependance type manipulation she gives for what it is now and i've let go with love the stuff my ABF has said as he 'has a problem' and this is how he behaves.
I realy don't think ive interfered with or tried to controll anyones lives. i probably am guilty of doing that in the past but i think it'smostly becuase it would be me that would always have to go in and pick up the pieces of everyones lives eventually anyway, I just got into the habit of trying to head everything off at the pass before it got that far.
Ok back to my issue of this week. ABF has been driving me nuts. ending things with me, making up, twisting things. looking for things to pick on.. trying to undermine and belittlemy efforts of self development. pickingon my supposed adhd and co - dependance as to why no one else would want me, that sort of thing... the trouble is that i see through it all and have stuck up for myself knowing i'm in the right.. for the first time in my life I have felt in a strong and powerful place, knowing where i was going.. knowing i was not mad and most of all knowing as much psychological stuff about manipulation, abuse alcoholism as i thought i could possibly know at this point. forwarned is forarmed ect ect, and all that...
Anyhow, it did all become a bit much i suppose, juggling the problems or lets be honest, difficult personalitys of the 3 people i have mentioned. They all require different things off me and i guess i was feeling the strain of being pulled in all sorts of directions. it all came to a head a few days ago when i had an enormous row with my mother. I felt she interfered with a decissin i had made and i got very annoyed with her, it felt so disrespectful. In the pat i would have shrugged this sort of behaviour from her off for fear of a confrontatin but sincei have began to see how eople are behaving i find myself getting angry about all sorts of things i wouldn't have, however i can use this anger in a positive way to make firm changes.
I didn't mean to have a big row with my mother and during it an awful lot of things were said which in hindsite should have come out a very long time ago.. i am grateful that the air was cleared but the upshot of it was that i seemed to have inenvertantly carried out step 4.. things my mother said about me caused me to take a really deep inventory of my life and i really did not like it, or want to go there. It was like all my emotional safety barriers came crashing down. all my hurts came tumbeling out in a rush and for the first time i could see how my behaviour had affected those around me.. it is horrible and painful to see your life and to know that your are the cause of most of the crap in it. I really havent done anything that has deliberatly hurt people, i'm not criminal and i'm kind to old people kids and animals.. in fact i'm so dependable you can set your watch by me and i've never indulged in any behaviour that could even be concidered rebelious in any way.. ive just been a very normal and good girl for all of my life. but the up shot is, I had such an issue with being CO- Dept. that every relationship i have had has been severely and unhealthily affected buy it.
One of the most painful things i remember saying during the row was that it all made sense now why all my romantic relationships were with emotionaly 'strange' men.. this isn't their fault. it was my fault for being attracted to them. but then it got painful becuase i realised that no 'normal' man had ever been atracted to me.. the sort of emotions i feel now are this.
i feel like ive been thrown backwards. like all my efforts at self development havent made any difference. i feel like ive not faced up to the reality and that i have as my son keeps telling me, been going round with a blindfold on. I am angry with the people around me for just not being nice enough to help me out but also very confused as to what to expect from people.. confused as to what thereality of my own thoughts are about people.. after all, everything ive thought about people up untill now was completely wrong.. wrong becuase i had not ever factored into the equasion when forming my opinionsof people the skewed co dept. veiw i had of them.. i no longer know what is right from what is wrong and find myself second guessing everyones motives and my own trying to figure it alout. What i want more than anything else is to go and live on my own far away from people and to neverhave anythig to do with them again..
Oh, i'm goingto stop there for now, ive no idea what i'm writing anymore.! I feel like i'm on the edge of nuttiness. It'l be nice to get to my next al anon meeting.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hi bella
You have an awful lot going on.. but congratulations to you for starting to explore it and trying to get a handle on it.
I felt resonance in your story about life with the A. I have been in a similar situation to you. It wasn't until recently when I 'got away' from the A... and with the help of counselling, Al-anon and of course this forum... did I start to begin to sift the A's finger pointing and 'gift' giving (and by that I mean the accusations and the 'you are this') from the reality and the things I needed to work on for me.
I too have had the A tell me exactly what is wrong with me in the course of one of his berating sessions. I too have watched him present his 'gifts' and I have accepted it and made it mine.. (until I picked up the 'gifts' they were his).. and I did that as some kind of policy of appeasement. I was Chamberlain (British Prime Minister in the years running up to WWII) and his policy of appeasement didn't stop a war.. it only made the other side stronger and the demands harder to satisfy. I have been told I am co-dependent, depressive, twisted, bad memory.. you name it he has attached it to me. Turns out he was as bad at amateur psychology as he was at d.i.y.
What I was, was a person trying hard to survive living with a man who was emotionally, mentally and physically abusive. I was a person thinking that one day it will get better... it will get back to the person I fell in love with... surely. I too gave the A the benefit of the doubt and excused his behaviours as 'what the alcoholic does' or the disease in action right along with him. Now.. well.. I don't know what ails him and I've come to realise that probably neither does he. I've also come to realise that not picking up a drink, going to AA two/three times a week and getting a sponsor does not equal recovery.
Now you may have the issues you have stated in your post.. but I would say you will need to put healthy emotional distance between you and these people in your life who contribute to you being 'on the edge of nuttiness' to truly see what you are tackling. It is amazing how we can accept their 'gifts'.. and we need to strip those away to truly see what lies beneath. While he is there continuing to give you these 'gifts' that is going to be difficult.
Keep coming back.. keep posting.. you are not alone. :ghug
You have an awful lot going on.. but congratulations to you for starting to explore it and trying to get a handle on it.
I felt resonance in your story about life with the A. I have been in a similar situation to you. It wasn't until recently when I 'got away' from the A... and with the help of counselling, Al-anon and of course this forum... did I start to begin to sift the A's finger pointing and 'gift' giving (and by that I mean the accusations and the 'you are this') from the reality and the things I needed to work on for me.
I too have had the A tell me exactly what is wrong with me in the course of one of his berating sessions. I too have watched him present his 'gifts' and I have accepted it and made it mine.. (until I picked up the 'gifts' they were his).. and I did that as some kind of policy of appeasement. I was Chamberlain (British Prime Minister in the years running up to WWII) and his policy of appeasement didn't stop a war.. it only made the other side stronger and the demands harder to satisfy. I have been told I am co-dependent, depressive, twisted, bad memory.. you name it he has attached it to me. Turns out he was as bad at amateur psychology as he was at d.i.y.
What I was, was a person trying hard to survive living with a man who was emotionally, mentally and physically abusive. I was a person thinking that one day it will get better... it will get back to the person I fell in love with... surely. I too gave the A the benefit of the doubt and excused his behaviours as 'what the alcoholic does' or the disease in action right along with him. Now.. well.. I don't know what ails him and I've come to realise that probably neither does he. I've also come to realise that not picking up a drink, going to AA two/three times a week and getting a sponsor does not equal recovery.
Now you may have the issues you have stated in your post.. but I would say you will need to put healthy emotional distance between you and these people in your life who contribute to you being 'on the edge of nuttiness' to truly see what you are tackling. It is amazing how we can accept their 'gifts'.. and we need to strip those away to truly see what lies beneath. While he is there continuing to give you these 'gifts' that is going to be difficult.
Keep coming back.. keep posting.. you are not alone. :ghug
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hey Bella!
I am very sorry that you are going through pain right now. The upside is that you are AWARE of what is happening and know that it isn't comfortable to you. Smart lady.
This is a paragragh that you wrote that stands out to me:
"I realy don't think ive interfered with or tried to controll anyones lives. i probably am guilty of doing that in the past but i think it'smostly becuase it would be me that would always have to go in and pick up the pieces of everyones lives eventually anyway, I just got into the habit of trying to head everything off at the pass before it got that far."
One thing that I learned early on in al anon (I really had NEVER thought of it before) was that I am not in charge of other people. EVen ones I love. Even if they make insane choices. Even if I see things they don't. They have lives and are responsible for their own choices just like I am. I do not need to clean up anyone's messes for them. They have to make their own decisions, accept the subsequent consequences and learn from that, just like I have to do.
I think when you are a typically strong person in life, people rely on you to take up the slack. They expect it and many of us willingly oblige for an assortment of different reasons.
However, one thing that I keep learning (re-learning) is that I am not the great decision maker or mess cleaner upper for others, even ones I love. An unhealthy "co-dependent" relationship develops when I step too far into that role. Not only is it unhealthy for me, but the other person never learns how to fully take care of him/herself. Resentments build on both sides and eventually relationships break down. Mine did in part due to this and in part due to other factors.
Anyway, I hope to talk with a therapist and take care of your life. In order to be there ofr anyone,you have to care for yourself first!
Miss
I am very sorry that you are going through pain right now. The upside is that you are AWARE of what is happening and know that it isn't comfortable to you. Smart lady.
This is a paragragh that you wrote that stands out to me:
"I realy don't think ive interfered with or tried to controll anyones lives. i probably am guilty of doing that in the past but i think it'smostly becuase it would be me that would always have to go in and pick up the pieces of everyones lives eventually anyway, I just got into the habit of trying to head everything off at the pass before it got that far."
One thing that I learned early on in al anon (I really had NEVER thought of it before) was that I am not in charge of other people. EVen ones I love. Even if they make insane choices. Even if I see things they don't. They have lives and are responsible for their own choices just like I am. I do not need to clean up anyone's messes for them. They have to make their own decisions, accept the subsequent consequences and learn from that, just like I have to do.
I think when you are a typically strong person in life, people rely on you to take up the slack. They expect it and many of us willingly oblige for an assortment of different reasons.
However, one thing that I keep learning (re-learning) is that I am not the great decision maker or mess cleaner upper for others, even ones I love. An unhealthy "co-dependent" relationship develops when I step too far into that role. Not only is it unhealthy for me, but the other person never learns how to fully take care of him/herself. Resentments build on both sides and eventually relationships break down. Mine did in part due to this and in part due to other factors.
Anyway, I hope to talk with a therapist and take care of your life. In order to be there ofr anyone,you have to care for yourself first!
Miss
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Hi again, bella. It's good you got all that out! When we feel in a safe place, the words just pour .
I identify with your hard step 4 look at yourself. Oh, so many things I wish I had done differently. Such a wish to have been a more mature person, more stable person who never made BIG MISTAKES (!), especially ones everyone could see (like marrying the wrong men).
For me, I just believe that God has a plan for developing my soul, and to learn, I have to first NOT KNOW something. So....for all that I did not know and did wrong, I believe that ultimately it was exactly what God planned for me. I met Him halfway, agreed to be a good student, and have tried to stretch to greater maturity and awareness. This has all made me a much better person, and in fact, in many ways much more in tune with other people than someone who did everything "right". (Which also sometimes means, DID NOT LIVE. Stayed Safe in a little box).
You are doing great!
. I identify with your hard step 4 look at yourself. Oh, so many things I wish I had done differently. Such a wish to have been a more mature person, more stable person who never made BIG MISTAKES (!), especially ones everyone could see (like marrying the wrong men).
For me, I just believe that God has a plan for developing my soul, and to learn, I have to first NOT KNOW something. So....for all that I did not know and did wrong, I believe that ultimately it was exactly what God planned for me. I met Him halfway, agreed to be a good student, and have tried to stretch to greater maturity and awareness. This has all made me a much better person, and in fact, in many ways much more in tune with other people than someone who did everything "right". (Which also sometimes means, DID NOT LIVE. Stayed Safe in a little box).
You are doing great!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 24
Hi and once again thank you all for your support and kind words. I'm feeling like i'm having a bit of an indulgent moan to be honest, there are people with much more dificult situations. I've sort of made a pact with myself to allow myself some emotional indulgences but to try and temper them with a bit of perspective. Although things arn't feeling wonderful for me on the surface, i'm sure that deep down i am on a steep learning curve heading towards a meeting with the HP. ( and I am so 'up' for that) besides, I am sure my teariness, DRAMA and the mood highs and lows must have something to due with being on HRT for the first time and my hormones being all over the place ;-)
I do have something to be very grateful for today and that is gratitude to my son ( a young adult ) who has some mental disorders. He wasn't feeling so good today, crying alot and between tears he told me that he was jelous of me? he explained that he had seen a huge change in me over the months and that he was sorry for trying to undermine my efforts. He said the changes were great and he could hardly believe it, he said he kept provoking me to see if i would change back ( pushing my boundries i think you'd call that ) he was jelous becuase he wished it was him who could change and recover from his illness. I am so grateful to my son for telling me this. it couldn't have been more well timed as after getting so upset when i did the inventory of my life and sort of loosing a bit of heart ( faith) thinking that thoughts were all skewed. my son has made me realise that i have made huge progress, and that people are noticing and reacting.. including my ABF. People are funny old things, they spend half their time chastising you for not being able to 'change' and then when you do, they get scared and try and change you back.. DOH! I guess what they are scared about more than anything is that they will not be able to make the changes to their lives that the change in your life requires them to make.. HMMM does that make sense? Anyhow, i told my son about the steps and how they could be applied to many things. I printed off a 12 step programme for recovery from mental illness and a page on the importance of personal responsibility and self esteem and left him to it. I believe my boy is addicted to being ill and when he is ready to give it up, i expect he will. I wonder sometimes if people are afraid to give up certain addictions because they are afraid of what they might find underneath it all... heck i'm rambeling now, it's an adhd trait this, going off at a tangent and all that, and continuing a conversation long after everyones gone home and the lights have gone out.. Hey, did anyone see Britains got talent tonight BTW?
Once again, thanks for the support, it was very much appreciated and i'm sure i will be on here again asking for comfort and a hug when another 'event' happens that i will find difficult to deal with but hey, it's taken me years of dedicated practice to become as neurotic as this so it's going to take a few more to correct it I expect. Tonight, i am going to have a little chat to my angels and pray for the patience to let the H.P do it's stuff on a timescale that is right for me.
I do have something to be very grateful for today and that is gratitude to my son ( a young adult ) who has some mental disorders. He wasn't feeling so good today, crying alot and between tears he told me that he was jelous of me? he explained that he had seen a huge change in me over the months and that he was sorry for trying to undermine my efforts. He said the changes were great and he could hardly believe it, he said he kept provoking me to see if i would change back ( pushing my boundries i think you'd call that ) he was jelous becuase he wished it was him who could change and recover from his illness. I am so grateful to my son for telling me this. it couldn't have been more well timed as after getting so upset when i did the inventory of my life and sort of loosing a bit of heart ( faith) thinking that thoughts were all skewed. my son has made me realise that i have made huge progress, and that people are noticing and reacting.. including my ABF. People are funny old things, they spend half their time chastising you for not being able to 'change' and then when you do, they get scared and try and change you back.. DOH! I guess what they are scared about more than anything is that they will not be able to make the changes to their lives that the change in your life requires them to make.. HMMM does that make sense? Anyhow, i told my son about the steps and how they could be applied to many things. I printed off a 12 step programme for recovery from mental illness and a page on the importance of personal responsibility and self esteem and left him to it. I believe my boy is addicted to being ill and when he is ready to give it up, i expect he will. I wonder sometimes if people are afraid to give up certain addictions because they are afraid of what they might find underneath it all... heck i'm rambeling now, it's an adhd trait this, going off at a tangent and all that, and continuing a conversation long after everyones gone home and the lights have gone out.. Hey, did anyone see Britains got talent tonight BTW?
Once again, thanks for the support, it was very much appreciated and i'm sure i will be on here again asking for comfort and a hug when another 'event' happens that i will find difficult to deal with but hey, it's taken me years of dedicated practice to become as neurotic as this so it's going to take a few more to correct it I expect. Tonight, i am going to have a little chat to my angels and pray for the patience to let the H.P do it's stuff on a timescale that is right for me.
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