Newcomer
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 22
Newcomer
Hi everyone! I've been lurking for a couple of days and realize I am in desperate need of support.
My AH's decline has been gradual, and I think I adjusted to each change in his behavior on a day-to-day basis. I started looking for the medical source of his many health issues, sleep problems, memory loss and it finally led me here a couple of days ago and realizing that I do have an AH. He has not worked in over a year and was being a stay-at-home dad to our 2 children (7 and 3) even though they are both in school/preschool. However, since his mother died in March he has slipped further into the depths of depression and drinking. So much that I am now functioning as a single mother. Thankfully, he had the sense to tell me he cannot be a chauffeur for the kids any more (citing vision problems yet canceling two eye dr. appts). He no longer fixes dinner, does any cleaning, and I will not let him watch the little one alone. My 7 yr old is quite mature for her age, and she knows how to call me when she needs something. He always feels too ill to attend their school programs, dance competitions, etc. The three of us are functioning as our own little family unit...going to work/school together, running errands together, church together, eating our meals together and having bedtime together...all without the presence of a husband/father except that he's usually sleeping it off in another room.
Part of me wonders how I could have been so blind for so long, but with our busy schedules he has so much time at home by himself. Even when I am home, I'm busy while he stays in "his cave". Getting booze money has not been a problem --- he's taking it out of his mother's estate which he has signature authority for. He'll just have to settle up with his brothers at the end.
I'm not sure what my next step will/should be. I know I cannot change him unless he is ready for the change. This is all so "new" to me right now I'm just trying to let it sink in, working on doing a better job of not reacting to his behavior, and making sure my kids have at least one parent who is attentive, loving, and provides for their physical and emotional needs.
I have a feeling I have a long road ahead of me.....
My AH's decline has been gradual, and I think I adjusted to each change in his behavior on a day-to-day basis. I started looking for the medical source of his many health issues, sleep problems, memory loss and it finally led me here a couple of days ago and realizing that I do have an AH. He has not worked in over a year and was being a stay-at-home dad to our 2 children (7 and 3) even though they are both in school/preschool. However, since his mother died in March he has slipped further into the depths of depression and drinking. So much that I am now functioning as a single mother. Thankfully, he had the sense to tell me he cannot be a chauffeur for the kids any more (citing vision problems yet canceling two eye dr. appts). He no longer fixes dinner, does any cleaning, and I will not let him watch the little one alone. My 7 yr old is quite mature for her age, and she knows how to call me when she needs something. He always feels too ill to attend their school programs, dance competitions, etc. The three of us are functioning as our own little family unit...going to work/school together, running errands together, church together, eating our meals together and having bedtime together...all without the presence of a husband/father except that he's usually sleeping it off in another room.
Part of me wonders how I could have been so blind for so long, but with our busy schedules he has so much time at home by himself. Even when I am home, I'm busy while he stays in "his cave". Getting booze money has not been a problem --- he's taking it out of his mother's estate which he has signature authority for. He'll just have to settle up with his brothers at the end.
I'm not sure what my next step will/should be. I know I cannot change him unless he is ready for the change. This is all so "new" to me right now I'm just trying to let it sink in, working on doing a better job of not reacting to his behavior, and making sure my kids have at least one parent who is attentive, loving, and provides for their physical and emotional needs.
I have a feeling I have a long road ahead of me.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: Pac Northwest
Posts: 95
Hi newcomer,
Sounds like you are gaining some clarity. It comes when it comes. Over time, you gain more information.
You've made some major strides re: not reacting to him. That is huge, and can be very difficult.
Also sounds like you taking care of yourself and your kids.
Yes, you might have a long road ahead of you, but look what you've endured so far. You will be able to move forward regardless what AH chooses to do.
best of luck to you
Sounds like you are gaining some clarity. It comes when it comes. Over time, you gain more information.
You've made some major strides re: not reacting to him. That is huge, and can be very difficult.
Also sounds like you taking care of yourself and your kids.
Yes, you might have a long road ahead of you, but look what you've endured so far. You will be able to move forward regardless what AH chooses to do.
best of luck to you
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I'm glad you found us, and I hope this can become a valuable source of support for you. Have you read the "stickie" posts at the very top of the forum? There is a lot of valuable information there -- when it comes to a nasty enemy like alcoholism, knowledge really IS power.
Have you talked to your husband about your concerns? Does he know how you feel about this? It sounds like it's possible he could benefit from some serious counseling...is he willing?
Keep on being the great mom you are, and keep on widening your perspective. There is no one right answer...but as you learn more and more, and connect to your own feelings, the right way will become clearer to you.
Hugs,
gl
Have you talked to your husband about your concerns? Does he know how you feel about this? It sounds like it's possible he could benefit from some serious counseling...is he willing?
Keep on being the great mom you are, and keep on widening your perspective. There is no one right answer...but as you learn more and more, and connect to your own feelings, the right way will become clearer to you.
Hugs,
gl
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Welcome, backporch. You are heavily burdened. I am glad you found this forum, for over time, reading every day, you will find a new awareness in you and new strength to do whatever you must to deal with the hard reality of his addiction.
For now, you are minimizing the impact it has on your family, as your AH appears to continue to be the sole caregiver of your children while you are away and your 7 year old is unconsciously assuming adult responsibilities as a result. Her childhood is being significantly impacted by alcoholism and this will have profound effect on her future.
He has essentially abandoned you in your marriage and you are awakening to that fact. He has also abandoned his responsibility to his children and placed them in danger. An alcoholic's judgment is severely impaired both when actively drunk and when withdrawing from the alcohol between drinks.
You describe yourself as an attentive, loving parent, but that too is minimizing your situation, for anyone with any experience of living with addiction in the home knows that the addict becomes the central focus, mentally and emotionally, even as we are carrying out our domestic duties.
Your difficulties will increase, I'm sure you know by now, if things do not change. Your family may die a slow spiritual death due to his drinking. Or there may be some explosive crisis which inflicts deep deep wounds which may never completely heal. The fact is, alcoholism will make him sicker and it will make his family sicker, as it progresses.
There is help for you.
First, find an Al-Anon meeting in your area that you feel is a fit, and go EVERY WEEK at minimum.
Find a counselor skilled in addictive relationship.
Seek a counselor for your oldest child as the necessary changes ahead will confuse her and she needs the assurance from someone other than you that she has not in any way caused this and that she is not in any way responsible for mommy's and daddy's sadness or behavior.
My heart goes out to you, for I too was married to an alcoholic many years ago, and I too had a 7 year old.
Sending you strength to do whatever is necessary.
Get well, honey. You can.
For now, you are minimizing the impact it has on your family, as your AH appears to continue to be the sole caregiver of your children while you are away and your 7 year old is unconsciously assuming adult responsibilities as a result. Her childhood is being significantly impacted by alcoholism and this will have profound effect on her future.
He has essentially abandoned you in your marriage and you are awakening to that fact. He has also abandoned his responsibility to his children and placed them in danger. An alcoholic's judgment is severely impaired both when actively drunk and when withdrawing from the alcohol between drinks.
You describe yourself as an attentive, loving parent, but that too is minimizing your situation, for anyone with any experience of living with addiction in the home knows that the addict becomes the central focus, mentally and emotionally, even as we are carrying out our domestic duties.
Your difficulties will increase, I'm sure you know by now, if things do not change. Your family may die a slow spiritual death due to his drinking. Or there may be some explosive crisis which inflicts deep deep wounds which may never completely heal. The fact is, alcoholism will make him sicker and it will make his family sicker, as it progresses.
There is help for you.
First, find an Al-Anon meeting in your area that you feel is a fit, and go EVERY WEEK at minimum.
Find a counselor skilled in addictive relationship.
Seek a counselor for your oldest child as the necessary changes ahead will confuse her and she needs the assurance from someone other than you that she has not in any way caused this and that she is not in any way responsible for mommy's and daddy's sadness or behavior.
My heart goes out to you, for I too was married to an alcoholic many years ago, and I too had a 7 year old.
Sending you strength to do whatever is necessary.
Get well, honey. You can.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
backporch,
I just wanted to tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! All the wonderful people around here understand how it feels. Even in the most desperate of situations, people have found a new sense of joy, and have gone through much difficulties - never underestimate your strength, the strength of the human spirit.
I am troubled by the fact your kid is behaving like an adult, at that age the only thing she should be doing is playing around. I hope you gain enough clarity to take actions and be the real loving parent your children deserve.
Please keep posting, we care about you very much! And let me remind you once again, you are not alone!
I just wanted to tell you that YOU ARE NOT ALONE! All the wonderful people around here understand how it feels. Even in the most desperate of situations, people have found a new sense of joy, and have gone through much difficulties - never underestimate your strength, the strength of the human spirit.
I am troubled by the fact your kid is behaving like an adult, at that age the only thing she should be doing is playing around. I hope you gain enough clarity to take actions and be the real loving parent your children deserve.
Please keep posting, we care about you very much! And let me remind you once again, you are not alone!
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Welcome to SR Backporch.
I was the drinker and know that I put my family (parents and sibling) through an awful time while I was drinking. I wasn't living at home, I was well on my way and living life, working etc. I believed it was my life, I wasn't hurting anyone and "if you had my life, you would be drinking too" as the saying goes. Also, I firmly believed that once everything settled down, I would curb my drinking. Yeah right. The more I drank, the more I became depressed, so the more I drank. Just one big cycle. i was living Groundhog Day.
As a recovered alcoholic, my heart goes out to you and your children. You are both Mom and Dad meeting everyone's needs, perhaps except your own, but you likely believe this isn't about you right now, it's about providing your children with as stable and loving environment as you possibly can while you have a big white elephant in the livingroom. Am I right? It must be exhausting for you, but as an earlier poster said, you are gaining clarity and the truth of your situation. You will know what you need to do...
Also great advice concerning some counseling, maybe some face to face support through Al Anon or group therapy for yourself and children. Unfortunately your husband will have to decide if he wants to end his drinking career and participate in life. Nothing anyone can say or do for him will help. Sad but true.
Wishing you all the best Backporch. You are doing extremely well through all of this and you *will* come out the other side.
I was the drinker and know that I put my family (parents and sibling) through an awful time while I was drinking. I wasn't living at home, I was well on my way and living life, working etc. I believed it was my life, I wasn't hurting anyone and "if you had my life, you would be drinking too" as the saying goes. Also, I firmly believed that once everything settled down, I would curb my drinking. Yeah right. The more I drank, the more I became depressed, so the more I drank. Just one big cycle. i was living Groundhog Day.
As a recovered alcoholic, my heart goes out to you and your children. You are both Mom and Dad meeting everyone's needs, perhaps except your own, but you likely believe this isn't about you right now, it's about providing your children with as stable and loving environment as you possibly can while you have a big white elephant in the livingroom. Am I right? It must be exhausting for you, but as an earlier poster said, you are gaining clarity and the truth of your situation. You will know what you need to do...
Also great advice concerning some counseling, maybe some face to face support through Al Anon or group therapy for yourself and children. Unfortunately your husband will have to decide if he wants to end his drinking career and participate in life. Nothing anyone can say or do for him will help. Sad but true.
Wishing you all the best Backporch. You are doing extremely well through all of this and you *will* come out the other side.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by GiveLove 
Have you talked to your husband about your concerns? Does he know how you feel about this? It sounds like it's possible he could benefit from some serious counseling...is he willing?
In hindsight, this is probably a good thing. Since school is out for the summer, I had planned to leave work to be with my 7 yo dd, and had told him we would go with him and run errands during his appointment. I know part of me was trying to control his getting help. I can encourage...but it's past obvious that I cannot control that. If he makes it to an appointment, he will have to handle the logistics himself.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by bluejay6
your 7 year old is unconsciously assuming adult responsibilities as a result. Her childhood is being significantly impacted by alcoholism and this will have profound effect on her future.
He has essentially abandoned you in your marriage ....He has also abandoned his responsibility to his children and placed them in danger.
... the addict becomes the central focus, mentally and emotionally, even as we are carrying out our domestic duties.
Your difficulties will increase, I'm sure you know by now, if things do not change.
He has essentially abandoned you in your marriage ....He has also abandoned his responsibility to his children and placed them in danger.
... the addict becomes the central focus, mentally and emotionally, even as we are carrying out our domestic duties.
Your difficulties will increase, I'm sure you know by now, if things do not change.
Thanks for the advice. I know you are right.
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
Well, I'm going to throw a what if in here...controversial as this might be. I saw my husband start to lean on alcohol alot after the loss of a career job he adored. What if, I had put my foot down then, while he still had empathy, compassion, love for me and the kids, love for his life, positivity, etc. What if I had acted swiftly and steadily. (OK, I'm not plagued by this). I know that when my dad died, I relied on self medication and way too much sleep and it was unhealthy. My sister slapped me upside the head continuously until I started grief counselling. Once I dealt with the grief, the need to depend on sleep aids went away. My point? Not everyone that leans on a substance is at the addiction point yet. I learned alot from a friend of mine that attends overeaters anonymous....because you can't tell a person STOP eating. Backporch, look inside and see if you have been in denial of his alcoholism, or if this is a death and job related dependency. My sis forced me to go to a grief counsellor that was VERY good in the addiction arena. She scared me into not going further down that path.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by TakingCharge999
I am troubled by the fact your kid is behaving like an adult, at that age the only thing she should be doing is playing around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by gerryP
You are both Mom and Dad meeting everyone's needs, perhaps except your own, but you likely believe this isn't about you right now, it's about providing your children with as stable and loving environment as you possibly can while you have a big white elephant in the livingroom. Am I right? It must be exhausting for you, but as an earlier poster said, you are gaining clarity and the truth of your situation. You will know what you need to do...
..... you *will* come out the other side.
..... you *will* come out the other side.
And you're right! We will get through this! I really believe in the "We are winners!" attitude.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 22
Originally Posted by FunnyOne
Well, I'm going to throw a what if in here...controversial as this might be. I saw my husband start to lean on alcohol alot after the loss of a career job he adored. What if, I had put my foot down then, while he still had empathy, compassion, love for me and the kids, love for his life, positivity, etc. What if I had acted swiftly and steadily. (OK, I'm not plagued by this). I know that when my dad died, I relied on self medication and way too much sleep and it was unhealthy. My sister slapped me upside the head continuously until I started grief counselling. Once I dealt with the grief, the need to depend on sleep aids went away. My point? Not everyone that leans on a substance is at the addiction point yet.
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
Originally Posted by backporch
Thank you! And WTG on the smoke-free! I can only pray that one day you will see that in my siggie. 
I wrote about it here on SR actually. I'm using an electronic cigarette, and have no desire for a smoke at all.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
