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-   -   I wonder if I should feel worse... (https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums/friends-family-alcoholics/176850-i-wonder-if-i-should-feel-worse.html)

izero79 05-22-2009 03:07 PM

I wonder if I should feel worse...
 
My alcoholic girlfriend just got out of detox after being clean for a year. She asked me to bring her some vodka. After debating with myself I did it. I don't drink myself. I've just never cared too. I figure it's her choice when she wants to recover and when she doesn't and that it was better that I bring it to her than having her on the road (probably just rationalizing.) I've been working on strengthening my own resolve, but I wasn't ready to walk away from her just yet. I have felt some remorse, but not what I would have expected. Is this a setback, or worse?

TakingCharge999 05-22-2009 03:21 PM

Hi izero, welcome to SR. I know others will come soon to greet you. I am glad you found us!

I also bought Jack Daniels to my ex alcoholic boyfriend. I did not know he was an alcoholic.

I no longer chose to support the addiction of a loved one. For many of us, loving a person means having to stay as away as possible from them.

Knowing my role in the relationship: buying his alcohol, driving his car when he was drunk, being there listening to his emotional abuse made me an allie, now I realize I was not helping him at all. I just made it easier for him to keep drinking.

Remember

You did not cause her problem
You cannot control her way of drinking
You cannot cure it

And the last C:

You should not cooperate!

She will keep on drinking - or not. What are YOU going to do? Imagine she will drink the rest of her life (I hope not, but it is a very real possibility as this disease is chronic and progressive). Is this what you want out of a partner?

You cannot make her do anything, she has to want to stop drinking more than anything else in her life, and it seems she is not ready yet. Your happiness cannot depend on the acts of another person.

((hugs)) I know wiser people will come here, usually weekends are slower but please hang in there and know you are not alone.

tracksuitman 05-22-2009 03:42 PM

takingcharge is right,i've bought my wife alcohol to try and take control of her drinking but after a while you realise you are helpless,if my wife chooses to drink she will have to do it without my help,whatever your girlfriend chooses to do nothing you can do will change her,keep posting,this site has been my lifeline,your not alone

Freedom1990 05-22-2009 04:52 PM

For me to provide alcohol to an alcoholic, it would be like handing a suicidal person a gun, but that's just me.

Bernadette 05-22-2009 05:08 PM

i would not supply or deliver alcohol to my alcoholic brothers. That was an easy one to stop doing. What was harder to change were the other more subtle enabling behaviors...like bailing them out of trouble financially or physically helping them do things they should be able to do for themselves, or engaging in tortured conversations about their drinking...or listening to them quack etc!

Have you tried AlAnon? It helped turn my head around!
peace,
b

isurvived 05-22-2009 05:29 PM

I was the opposite. I wouldn't even go down the liquor isle at the grocery if my XAH was with me!

We'd never have any adult beverages (even wine) at holidays. I never brought it in the house for any reason even if we had a party. If we went out to a social gathering, I'd never drink anything but soft drinks... but neither did my XAH. He was a closet drinker... out of necessity.

TakingCharge999 05-22-2009 07:37 PM

Hi izero!

This site has been my lifeline too. Next to an alcoholic person I felt so alone, I have never felt so alone in my life, having the body of the guy I loved next to me, but behaving in horrible ways. Its the Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde syndrome, sober they are the best friend and partner, drunk they are this other person you have nothing to do with and in my case..scares you. Its very frustrating when you reach out to "close ones" and they do not understand. But all the caring souls around here understand 100%!

Alanon, individual counseling, the Melody Beatty books, journaling, SR, extra care on food, good sleep, exercise, artistic activities, family and friends / all build a great support net. I hope you reach out and use all the "support artillery" available.

(((hugs)))

bluejay6 05-22-2009 11:46 PM

Welcome izero,
So sorry your girlfriend isn't making it yet. I hope she gets into extended rehab soon.

Bringing her the vodka:
Well, I think in the beginning we all try to make a deal with the devil. We all try to find ways to outmaneuver the disease so it does not ruin our relationships, our children, our lives.

So sometimes we bring it gifts.

Once you understand the game, though, you will do better.

Good luck and all the best to you. Glad you are here.

izero79 05-23-2009 02:02 PM

Thank you...
 
Thank you everyone for most of your replies. I already knew the answer to my question, but sometimes it helps to have someone else say it.

TakingCharge999 05-23-2009 02:29 PM

Oh it does, izero. We will always be here if you need to talk. Here I have learned so much, not only about alcoholism!

flutter 05-24-2009 09:14 AM


My alcoholic girlfriend just got out of detox after being clean for a year. She asked me to bring her some vodka. After debating with myself I did it.
WHAT!!!!!!!???????? (my first response).
And then after I thought about it, I remembered how many times I not only did this, for my parents.. but when I decided to become a drunk, my husband did the same for me. Sure made it easy for me to drink when it was being supplied to me!!!

Sounds like you know by now how you are enabling her. Actually I think it goes well beyond enabling, you're a provider at this point. A better solution if you're worried about her getting on the road, instead of bringing her more liquor, go to her house and take her keys. Call the police if she gets on the road. Something along the lines of that, and not providing her with the fuel to her (and others?) demise. Who's to say she wouldn't have drank it and STILL gone out to get more?

I know I know.. easier said than done, but really.. how much softer can she land if you're loading the gun for her? (thanks for that, Freedom..)

Sorry just wanted to come back and add, that yes.. of course it is her choice when and if she gets sober, or if she stays drunk. It is also your choice to be ok with this, or decide you don't want to be with an alcoholic and cut losses and move on.. it's all about choices.


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