About expectations...
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Join Date: May 2009
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Well, I had expectations, when they weren't met....I lowered them...
When the children were disappointed that Dad didn't do this or didn't do that which he had promised, I explained to them that Dad is who he is and we must love him and take the good and leave the bad. Love him for him and not what you want him to be. ACCEPT him.
And that, my folks, is the definition of ENABLING
When the children were disappointed that Dad didn't do this or didn't do that which he had promised, I explained to them that Dad is who he is and we must love him and take the good and leave the bad. Love him for him and not what you want him to be. ACCEPT him.
And that, my folks, is the definition of ENABLING
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Well, I guess if acceptance means ignoring the elephant in the living room, then it would be enabling.
My idea of acceptance means that another adult human being is responsible for his own behavior, and the consequences thereof. I do not try to mitigate circumstances, or force outcomes. I take my hands off the addict and hand him over to god/karma/the universe (whatever you believe).
I take action to protect myself and my children (who are not adults) and leave the alcoholic to determine his own fate.
That is the definition of NOT ENABLING.
L
My idea of acceptance means that another adult human being is responsible for his own behavior, and the consequences thereof. I do not try to mitigate circumstances, or force outcomes. I take my hands off the addict and hand him over to god/karma/the universe (whatever you believe).
I take action to protect myself and my children (who are not adults) and leave the alcoholic to determine his own fate.
That is the definition of NOT ENABLING.
L
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Yes, he does (or did). He is supposedly sober--I can't be sure if that's true or not, but it doesn't matter because he is still as selfish and irresponsible as he ever was. My children are 12 and 16, so they choose if they want to spend time with him. We have been apart for 3 years and from the very beginning, I let my kids know that if they ever wanted me to come pick them up from his house--for any reason--just call, and I would be there. They used that option only once in two years.
About six months ago, he decided to move to Alaska. The same man who insisted on a clause in the separation agreement saying that I could not move more than a half hour away without giving him at least 60 days notice due to his visitation rights! Ugh!
So, I parent 'around' him, if you know what I mean. I do not disparage him to the children. They talk to him on the phone/webcam a couple times a week. I allow them to reach their own conclusions. They know they can depend on me. They don't expect much from him and that's kind of sad, but it is the consequences of his actions.
L
About six months ago, he decided to move to Alaska. The same man who insisted on a clause in the separation agreement saying that I could not move more than a half hour away without giving him at least 60 days notice due to his visitation rights! Ugh!
So, I parent 'around' him, if you know what I mean. I do not disparage him to the children. They talk to him on the phone/webcam a couple times a week. I allow them to reach their own conclusions. They know they can depend on me. They don't expect much from him and that's kind of sad, but it is the consequences of his actions.
L
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BTW, me and both my kids saw a therapist for approximately a year after the separation. I highly recommend it. We have a much better, more honest relationship with each other than we ever had in the past.
L
L
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Join Date: Jul 2005
Posts: 2,542
Originally Posted by Ago 
The thing about expectations that is so disastrous is being unaware that we have them. We do nice things for people in our lives and then we expect them to meet whatever "needs" we have that might come up.
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
My idea of acceptance means that another adult human being is responsible for his own behavior, and the consequences thereof. I do not try to mitigate circumstances, or force outcomes. I take my hands off the addict and hand him over to god/karma/the universe (whatever you believe). I take action to protect myself and my children (who are not adults) and leave the alcoholic to determine his own fate.
The above two quotes boil down to the basic root lessons I have learned from my experience. It's a shame it took me so long to "grok" the message.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Location: California
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LTD, thanks for this post. I reading here today becasue I need ESH.
Funny one wrote, Well I had expectations, when they weren't met...I lower them. ME TOO!
So here I am 20+ years later wondering why he says the things he does to me. Falling back into, If he would just.... every thing would be ok. But I know thats not going to get me anywhere. I have spent YEARS, waiting for him to change. And yes he is in AA, there are changes....but.
I perfer to be around people who are kind.... why to I continue to tolerate a spouse who is not? (as least to me, he seems to put on his "AA face" for other people)
Funny one wrote, Well I had expectations, when they weren't met...I lower them. ME TOO!
So here I am 20+ years later wondering why he says the things he does to me. Falling back into, If he would just.... every thing would be ok. But I know thats not going to get me anywhere. I have spent YEARS, waiting for him to change. And yes he is in AA, there are changes....but.
I perfer to be around people who are kind.... why to I continue to tolerate a spouse who is not? (as least to me, he seems to put on his "AA face" for other people)
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