He has a new GF already
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Location: Los Angeles, California
Posts: 8,326
nowwhat,
I'm sorry you're hurting. Please don't take it personally as hard as that may be. If he's in active alcoholism he looking for an enabler, an abettor and someone to take care of his needs. It's not a reflection on you. Or any inadequate qualities in you. Does that make sense?
Love,
Lenina
I'm sorry you're hurting. Please don't take it personally as hard as that may be. If he's in active alcoholism he looking for an enabler, an abettor and someone to take care of his needs. It's not a reflection on you. Or any inadequate qualities in you. Does that make sense?
Love,
Lenina
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi nowwhat.
I have been there so I know nothing I will say will ease your pain.
After 6 months, I now see him with someone else as a blessing. IF he was not with someone else, I AM SURE I would have gone back to the madness that was living with an AH and trying to trust "that time" was going to be different.
Now its not about you. Its not even about her. Its ALL about alcoholism and its victim.
Anyone that drinks the same way he does, or doesn't have a problem hanging around drunks, will be close to him.
Anyone that doesn't, or has a problem with it, will be far away.
It's that simple. No one knows what he feels about you. No one will ever know what really is going on with his heart and mind. Being with someone else does not mean his memory was erased 100%. We forget what others say, what others do, but we never forget how another person made us feel.
The good news here is that you can find one person more suitable to your tastes and needs, nowwhat. I hated to be told this but its true. There are better people out there, and after your heart is healed from all this, you will be next to a wonderful man, think back and say "all that pain had purpose". And life will look so much better.
Hang in there friend. The only one who matters here is YOU! Other people's acts have nothing to do with your value and worth.
If he is in active addiction, she will get the same treatment you did, or worse. I do not think this is what you would want now, is it?
I have been there so I know nothing I will say will ease your pain.
After 6 months, I now see him with someone else as a blessing. IF he was not with someone else, I AM SURE I would have gone back to the madness that was living with an AH and trying to trust "that time" was going to be different.
Now its not about you. Its not even about her. Its ALL about alcoholism and its victim.
Anyone that drinks the same way he does, or doesn't have a problem hanging around drunks, will be close to him.
Anyone that doesn't, or has a problem with it, will be far away.
It's that simple. No one knows what he feels about you. No one will ever know what really is going on with his heart and mind. Being with someone else does not mean his memory was erased 100%. We forget what others say, what others do, but we never forget how another person made us feel.
The good news here is that you can find one person more suitable to your tastes and needs, nowwhat. I hated to be told this but its true. There are better people out there, and after your heart is healed from all this, you will be next to a wonderful man, think back and say "all that pain had purpose". And life will look so much better.
Hang in there friend. The only one who matters here is YOU! Other people's acts have nothing to do with your value and worth.
If he is in active addiction, she will get the same treatment you did, or worse. I do not think this is what you would want now, is it?
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Nowwhat,
I am so sorry you are hurting. It is not much to offer, but I do know what you are going through.
Taking charge is right. It isn't about you. It is about him. For addiction to continue, he needs someone to not bug him about it. He doesn't want what you want, a healthy partner. He wants to continue down his path of addiction. It stinks.
Miss
I am so sorry you are hurting. It is not much to offer, but I do know what you are going through.
Taking charge is right. It isn't about you. It is about him. For addiction to continue, he needs someone to not bug him about it. He doesn't want what you want, a healthy partner. He wants to continue down his path of addiction. It stinks.
Miss
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Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: Keepin' my side of the litterbox clean
Posts: 2,136
Nowwhat, let me just share what I dealt with when I left my exAH. After being gone for five months, he suddenly wanted to attempt a "reconciliation." It was through a weird set of circumstances, but the Thanksgiving weekend I was going to give him another chance, I discovered he was out on every internet site known to man advertising for his "soulmate ... I'll know her when I meet her." Yuck.
I guess he just wanted me for backup booty call while he was looking for his newest "soulmate."
I was pretty shocked when I discovered his plan, but I was also relieved that I discovered what sort of man I was dealing with. Although I was a needy codie, it appears that my exAH was an even needier addict!
I guess he just wanted me for backup booty call while he was looking for his newest "soulmate."
I was pretty shocked when I discovered his plan, but I was also relieved that I discovered what sort of man I was dealing with. Although I was a needy codie, it appears that my exAH was an even needier addict!
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 902
I know this is hard, but think of it as a blessing that you know. My xabf were trying to work things out (big joke!) when I found out about his girlfriend of 6 months. I know it's hard not to be upset, but what is she really getting? Nothing you want.
Stay strong! Big hugs to you.
Stay strong! Big hugs to you.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by bluejay6 
Addicts use people.
He just found another victim.
Your pain will one day evolve into gratitude. I promise.
He just found another victim.
Your pain will one day evolve into gratitude. I promise.
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Posts: 530
Oh been there done that! I still get hurt everytime exh switches to a new person. I think that maybe he will change someday and then he rolls to the next one. He just needs someone to validate him and they will for awhile. Once they start complaining about the drinking he moves on to the next.
I know it hurts...Im sorry.
I know it hurts...Im sorry.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
I know that this poor woman should be pitied instead of envied.
My mind goes back to all the romance, XABF is very seductive and quite the "catch" on paper, anyhow. It was a real high, it was delightful, it was an illusion and it was destructive.
Even though I know he doesn't have anything real to offer, my heart hurts to think of him with someone else. Accepting that this relationship was only real to me is painful.
Thanks for all of your understanding.
My mind goes back to all the romance, XABF is very seductive and quite the "catch" on paper, anyhow. It was a real high, it was delightful, it was an illusion and it was destructive.
Even though I know he doesn't have anything real to offer, my heart hurts to think of him with someone else. Accepting that this relationship was only real to me is painful.
Thanks for all of your understanding.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Hi nowwhat..
How long have you been split up?
If you think back to when you first met your ex.. you fell in love with him, he wasn't probably presenting as you know him now, after all would you have stayed if he did.. no. So she is getting what you first fell for.. pretty soon she'll be getting what you left.
It's natural to get that pang. Just remember.. that pang is for the man you thought he was.
:ghug
How long have you been split up?
If you think back to when you first met your ex.. you fell in love with him, he wasn't probably presenting as you know him now, after all would you have stayed if he did.. no. So she is getting what you first fell for.. pretty soon she'll be getting what you left.
It's natural to get that pang. Just remember.. that pang is for the man you thought he was.
:ghug
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
"Accepting that this relationship was only real to me is painful."
Now you do not know that.. you do not know what he was thinking/feeling when you two were together. Perhaps it was all real at that time, do not make assumptions about what he felt or not.
I asked a common friend if he thought I ever meant anything to ex AH, and he said "yes of course, there is no doubt about it". His best friend (now my "allie"..) also said he was in love with me and that he also notices he totally changed for the bad and that he suffered as well after the breakup, although 'men have their pride and will never show it'...
Anyway...
Please, do not torture yourself wondering what was real or not in the past for him. You will never know. For that you would need to be him. No one really knows what is going on. I know, many times when I was even more immature, LOL that I used to break up and move on with the next person. Reality was that I had no time to mourn, I was just using the new one to distract me. And I never forgot the other ex's.
We tend to think they erased everything about us, that they never cared really, that they are instant Prince Charming, that addiction somehow is not their reality anymore (WTF?) that the woman is better, well, what a perfect way of self torture.
My therapist said I was used to see everything in black, or green envy, and perhaps to try pink or white for a change?
So try to think pink! You are no longer with an addict... read around and know what they are capable of... know there is always misery besides them... know you cannot cure him, no one can... know you deserve a life in peace, know that God/HP is with you in ever step, know that its just "another passing show", know that EVERYTHING in this life is temporary.. people will come and go, teaching you stuff... nothing lasts forever, not this pain either, so please be extra gentle with yourself at this time, and get all those feelings out...
It will get better, I promise
!!
Now you do not know that.. you do not know what he was thinking/feeling when you two were together. Perhaps it was all real at that time, do not make assumptions about what he felt or not.
I asked a common friend if he thought I ever meant anything to ex AH, and he said "yes of course, there is no doubt about it". His best friend (now my "allie"..) also said he was in love with me and that he also notices he totally changed for the bad and that he suffered as well after the breakup, although 'men have their pride and will never show it'...
Anyway...
Please, do not torture yourself wondering what was real or not in the past for him. You will never know. For that you would need to be him. No one really knows what is going on. I know, many times when I was even more immature, LOL that I used to break up and move on with the next person. Reality was that I had no time to mourn, I was just using the new one to distract me. And I never forgot the other ex's.
We tend to think they erased everything about us, that they never cared really, that they are instant Prince Charming, that addiction somehow is not their reality anymore (WTF?) that the woman is better, well, what a perfect way of self torture.
My therapist said I was used to see everything in black, or green envy, and perhaps to try pink or white for a change?
So try to think pink! You are no longer with an addict... read around and know what they are capable of... know there is always misery besides them... know you cannot cure him, no one can... know you deserve a life in peace, know that God/HP is with you in ever step, know that its just "another passing show", know that EVERYTHING in this life is temporary.. people will come and go, teaching you stuff... nothing lasts forever, not this pain either, so please be extra gentle with yourself at this time, and get all those feelings out...
It will get better, I promise
!!
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Join Date: Aug 2005
Location: where the streets have no name
Posts: 1,078
Originally Posted by Startingover2
Oh been there done that! I still get hurt everytime exh switches to a new person. I think that maybe he will change someday and then he rolls to the next one. He just needs someone to validate him and they will for awhile. Once they start complaining about the drinking he moves on to the next.
I know it hurts...Im sorry.
I know it hurts...Im sorry.
Wow, precisely, validation and enabling until the drinking bothers the enabler. Than "next" basically anyone willing to accept the position as described above.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Read this link.. Dependency - Relationship
We must also remember that the alcoholic or drug addict is not necessarily conscious of the mechanics of how this works. They, in their own selfish way, will sense what feels good and is self serving, and in giving, they only give in small portions, even with the love that is yours which they feed back to you, in a self serving manner to keep you victimized. You are their food source. The perfect example of this is the story of Dracula who must bite and take of his victim’s blood (life force) at three separate times (The physical, mental, and emotional bodies) in order to have complete control of their victims. But the irony to this is that, the alcoholic or drug addict does not have to look for a victim or a martyr, they come to them by their own accord in a state of need.
As long as there are victims or martyrs who want to play this role, the alcoholic or drug addict will continue in their self-serving interest with or without you. If someone is willing to give, they will take.
It does not matter how much love the mate, family or friends give, it will only serve their self-interest. The next thing that you will realize is that you cannot deal or work with them, as their self-serving interest will deny you of fair play. They will always let you down and then tell you how sorry they are, after the fact, and if you open up your heart, they will once again help themselves to your life force and take your power away.
Ask a person who is dealing under these circumstances with a drug addict or an alcoholic in their life, “when was the last time you have enjoyed a beautiful sunny day, or laughed in the evening, or felt free as summer’s breeze with life in general?” You will have a real sad response, as they have given their life force and power away. They feel old and depleted, regardless what age they may be. They feel as life has passed them by and their outlook is always gray and gloomy. They look like Dracula’s victim. Their life force and power is gone, all by trying to help someone they believe they loved which is an “illusion & fantasy.” If you knew this person before they became a drug addict or an alcoholic, you will know and understand that this is not the same person you knew before.
It seems they pay me to publish that one, but it really describes de alkie/codie dynamic and why alkies seem to find someone else right away. And reminds me why that dynamic has nothing to do with the love I seek.
We must also remember that the alcoholic or drug addict is not necessarily conscious of the mechanics of how this works. They, in their own selfish way, will sense what feels good and is self serving, and in giving, they only give in small portions, even with the love that is yours which they feed back to you, in a self serving manner to keep you victimized. You are their food source. The perfect example of this is the story of Dracula who must bite and take of his victim’s blood (life force) at three separate times (The physical, mental, and emotional bodies) in order to have complete control of their victims. But the irony to this is that, the alcoholic or drug addict does not have to look for a victim or a martyr, they come to them by their own accord in a state of need.
As long as there are victims or martyrs who want to play this role, the alcoholic or drug addict will continue in their self-serving interest with or without you. If someone is willing to give, they will take.
It does not matter how much love the mate, family or friends give, it will only serve their self-interest. The next thing that you will realize is that you cannot deal or work with them, as their self-serving interest will deny you of fair play. They will always let you down and then tell you how sorry they are, after the fact, and if you open up your heart, they will once again help themselves to your life force and take your power away.
Ask a person who is dealing under these circumstances with a drug addict or an alcoholic in their life, “when was the last time you have enjoyed a beautiful sunny day, or laughed in the evening, or felt free as summer’s breeze with life in general?” You will have a real sad response, as they have given their life force and power away. They feel old and depleted, regardless what age they may be. They feel as life has passed them by and their outlook is always gray and gloomy. They look like Dracula’s victim. Their life force and power is gone, all by trying to help someone they believe they loved which is an “illusion & fantasy.” If you knew this person before they became a drug addict or an alcoholic, you will know and understand that this is not the same person you knew before.
It seems they pay me to publish that one, but it really describes de alkie/codie dynamic and why alkies seem to find someone else right away. And reminds me why that dynamic has nothing to do with the love I seek.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
I just read a book called Emotional Vampires and found many eerie descriptions of my XABF. I truly believe there is more going on with him than alcoholism, though the alcohol certainly contributes to the insanity.
I am unsure whether all this analysis of the situation is helping me at all. Part of me thinks that if I can understand, intellectually, that he really is unhealthy at his core, it will enable me to reframe all of this. I want to be able to let go, forgive, move on.
On the other hand, it's obviously time for me to start looking at myself--my own sickness. It's one thing to be victimized by someone else, and another all together to examine my own motivations (rescue fantasies, willingness to accept unacceptable behavior, desire to manipulate/control the relationship).
I guess my next steps are to REALLY get busy taking physical care of myself. I need to exercise, I need to eat, I need to allow myself to feel my emotions. I need to start creating the life I want without expecting someone else to help me do that.
My kids are gone this weekend. This is a good day to move forward, start the work of becoming the person I really want to be.
I am unsure whether all this analysis of the situation is helping me at all. Part of me thinks that if I can understand, intellectually, that he really is unhealthy at his core, it will enable me to reframe all of this. I want to be able to let go, forgive, move on.
On the other hand, it's obviously time for me to start looking at myself--my own sickness. It's one thing to be victimized by someone else, and another all together to examine my own motivations (rescue fantasies, willingness to accept unacceptable behavior, desire to manipulate/control the relationship).
I guess my next steps are to REALLY get busy taking physical care of myself. I need to exercise, I need to eat, I need to allow myself to feel my emotions. I need to start creating the life I want without expecting someone else to help me do that.
My kids are gone this weekend. This is a good day to move forward, start the work of becoming the person I really want to be.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hi nowwhat!
Just wanted to wish you well in your next steps. When we start healing and taking care of ourselves it goes every way, physically, emotionally, intellectually (understanding the psychology of all this, or deciding its not our job and letting it go)...
I am also motivated. Feels good not to be alone!! This is a great day to take charge and be the captain of the ship for a change
Just wanted to wish you well in your next steps. When we start healing and taking care of ourselves it goes every way, physically, emotionally, intellectually (understanding the psychology of all this, or deciding its not our job and letting it go)...
I am also motivated. Feels good not to be alone!! This is a great day to take charge and be the captain of the ship for a change
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Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: Georgia
Posts: 341
My STXAH was seeing other women and already looking for a replacement for me even before we seperated. He seems to want somebody that would think he wasn't an alcoholic (helped in his denial), drank with him, and rode on his motorcycle with him drunk or sober and centered their world around him and him only, let him run around with other women and lie and spend thousands a month at the bar, throw tantrums at the slightest thing, etc and take all of the blame for it all when things do not work out or when he doesn't feel "happy". That is not me and never will be ever again - it's crazy. Who would want to live like that??? I only did because I was as sick as he was, but now I'm in recovery and see how insane that type of so called living is. There are rare (very rare) moments when I miss him - but at those times I imagine myself living with him another 18 years and like magic that feeling of missing him goes away in a flash.
As for me, I am done with him, but wish him well (though I know the outcome for him will not be good as he gets worse and worse). I LOVE my al-anon group and look forward to it every Friday! I have grown so much and learned so much about myself in the last few months. I can see a future for myself, but I know that I need to work on myself and my problems BEFORE I'm ready to look for someone else - and I am really starting to see the possibility of that, but I need to make sure I am in recovery for a while first (at least a year).
As for me, I am done with him, but wish him well (though I know the outcome for him will not be good as he gets worse and worse). I LOVE my al-anon group and look forward to it every Friday! I have grown so much and learned so much about myself in the last few months. I can see a future for myself, but I know that I need to work on myself and my problems BEFORE I'm ready to look for someone else - and I am really starting to see the possibility of that, but I need to make sure I am in recovery for a while first (at least a year).
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Blondie you rule. And I am sure your ex and mine would be best friends. They have the same modus operandi!
The definition of happiness is just ours to create, and I am so glad we are able to pursue it without waiting on someone to feel enough pain to start changing the same way we have. Life is too short.
As I advance I also start feeling more and more compassion towards ex AH. Even for the new gf - because she is an AH too, at age 23 and I know the effects of alcohol in a woman are terrible. And for the Ahs I see on the street. And for anyone with a broken heart. And for anyone that is suffering today and feeling as hopeless as I did once...
((hugs))
The definition of happiness is just ours to create, and I am so glad we are able to pursue it without waiting on someone to feel enough pain to start changing the same way we have. Life is too short.
As I advance I also start feeling more and more compassion towards ex AH. Even for the new gf - because she is an AH too, at age 23 and I know the effects of alcohol in a woman are terrible. And for the Ahs I see on the street. And for anyone with a broken heart. And for anyone that is suffering today and feeling as hopeless as I did once...
((hugs))
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Posts: 211
I am so impatient. I want to move past the sadness and anger TODAY and on to acceptance and forgiveness.
I am seeing that my impatience, and avoidance of doing real work on myself, has contributed mightily to this situation.
The idea that I actually can change myself is starting to dawn on me (I am slow to accept things emotionally, even when I *get* them intellectually). I need much work on my spirit and my own emotional stability before I can even think about another relationship.
Why was I so eager to believe all the BS? Why have I felt so helpless and dependent?
I do feel compassion for the new GF because I know this relationship will cause her grief. Now if I could feel compassion toward the XABF--but I'm not there yet.
I am seeing that my impatience, and avoidance of doing real work on myself, has contributed mightily to this situation.
The idea that I actually can change myself is starting to dawn on me (I am slow to accept things emotionally, even when I *get* them intellectually). I need much work on my spirit and my own emotional stability before I can even think about another relationship.
Why was I so eager to believe all the BS? Why have I felt so helpless and dependent?
I do feel compassion for the new GF because I know this relationship will cause her grief. Now if I could feel compassion toward the XABF--but I'm not there yet.
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Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: SE Wisconsin
Posts: 14
Yes, you WILL get there...everyone is on their own timeline. For me, it has been a little over 6 months since I had the gut-wrenching experience of hearing my XABF brag to one of his buddies about who he was currently screwing. I kicked him out on the spot, and have been in emotional upheaval ever since, which is slowly but surely, calming down more & more every day.
I found this site by accident several months ago, and it has been my salvation. It has helped me to realize that I need to start working on myself, and focus on what needs doing for me and my children.
Thank you for sharing, cuz I know it isn't easy to bare your most private pain. Your posts have helped me, if only to know I'm not the only one.
I found this site by accident several months ago, and it has been my salvation. It has helped me to realize that I need to start working on myself, and focus on what needs doing for me and my children.
Thank you for sharing, cuz I know it isn't easy to bare your most private pain. Your posts have helped me, if only to know I'm not the only one.
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