TakingCharge999

Hi AllCheese, you are not alone either, I also heard this from xABF about a few weeks after we were done. As it is, we work in the same office so it was a very frequent sight of him, laughing with his pals on the next aisle.

Everybody here knows how much pain it caused, because I used to journal here while feeling devastated... I know how it sucks! Later those pals of his would see me and tell me I looked really bad and asked why I was not over him yet. And I just wanted to kick all of them in the b*lls LOL

Now I just chose not talk to them, thanks for reminding me of the no contact rule

6/7 months too, which is not that much, and I am feeling better to so let's keep striding forward

nowwhat, I heard this lyrics today "You cannot ask Winter to forgive a rose-bush".. grief and mourning are a necessary part of this process... wishing you well... I never thought it would get great again but it did, and I feel so much stronger now!

ReadyToHelp

GREAT analogy. They're the sick ones, and we suffer. And we hold some responsibility in this, too. In a book called "The Enabler", the author mentions that she realized that she was an enabler because of her need to feel needed. That thought scared me. I still worry that it applies to me.

We are HOSTS and they are PARASITES. They feed off us. And then, when we wake up and say, "hey, wait a minute, something's not right", they move on to the next HOST who is willing and unaware of his antics.

I'm sorry you're going through this, nowwhat. This is terribly painful. But I love this post of yours - you read books - I do, too, and analyze the situation (more than the A has ever done) and you spend a lot of time donating your energy to him and his problem. (And this is while he's donating his energy to whatever it takes to maintain his lifestyle.) We can become amazingly addicted to piecing the puzzle together - a diagnosis, a mental defect, his parents, past loves etc; we spend countless months trying to find the right words to say, the right actions to take that will somehow lead our A's to recovery. And if we've accepted that it's the A who has to decide to stop drinking, then we tend to hope that we can find the right words or actions that will lead him to make that decision. Either way - as much as we try, WE cannot be a part of the equation.

You don't need to put the puzzle together to let go. Just let go. It's ok. He'll fly away like a bird. And the painful part is he may not look back. My ABF is moving out this weekend. Won't it hurt terribly if he never texts me or calls and tells me how much he misses me and that I am still the love of his life? Won't it hurt terribly that the girls' names and numbers I kept finding in his jacket pockets will be ore are currently my replacements? One reason I think I avoided a break up earlier was because I didn't want to see him walk way and not turn back. I couldn't stomach him moving on like I was chopped liver, holding another woman's hand, or kissing another woman or looking into her eyes with his beautiful brown eyes. Makes me sick. But wait - who am I longing for? My college love. Not the guy who is using me, who urinated on my bathroom floor and on his air mattress 1 1/2 weeks ago, who's living in my apartment NOW.

That said, I applaud you for realizing you have to take a good look at YOURSELF. What's in all of this for you? The rescue fantasies, the willingness to tolerate inappropriate behavior, the desire (and need - if we're going to stay sane) to control the relationship. You are on the right track!

I would like to recommend that you Google and take a look at Dr. Nathaniel Branden's web site and read some of his work. I've recently read his book "How to Raise Your Self-Esteem". It's perfect for us. WHY? Because we lie to ourselves. We, like others in this thread have said, hold onto the man we once knew or who he pretended to be. We ignore the facts and the truth, and we wait around for scraps of affection or kindness, hoping for more to come. We anxiously await the next time he's kind again, relentlessly manipulating our own selves into thinking that he's changing or will. It's all like brainwashing our own selves. Or conditioning, like Pavlov's dog.

What originally brought me to realizing that I may be contributing to my misery in this (and all of my past) relationship(s) is a woman named "Rori Raye". Her "Have the Relationship You Want" e-book made me realize the opposite of what I was looking for - I needed to start questioning my own contribution to this mess:
Why do I feel like I have to supervise and control my guy?
Because he will do the wrong thing.
Is it insecurity or reality?
It's reality, not imagined: he'd do the wrong thing.
Then why am I with a man who will do the wrong thing if I don't supervise him?? Where's my self worth in all of this?
Hey, isn't this about changing him??
---
I determine who gets the right to be in my company. Why do I grant the right to men who can't celebrate me as a person???

Be patient with yourself. Be kind and gentle with yourself. You've taken a blow to your ego and to your heart.

I've found what helps is to keep certain affirmations (I hate that term) near me for comfort or to trigger a new thinking pattern. For example, I will remind myself "He's not the man you want him to be. He's not kind, and wonderful and warm and loving. He's an alcoholic and has used you and taken advantage of you." "Remember the txt messages to his ex and he knew it hurt your feelings". Stuff like that.

It takes 21 days to form a new habit.

From what I've read so far in all the self-help books on destructive relationships - our involvement is related to our self-esteem. Our inability to HONOR our self. You wanted to believe the b.s. although you knew it was b.s. WHY?? Only you can pick apart your patterns and thought processes and come to a few conclusions. It takes time. You remember stuff over time and think, "Now, there's another example of me doing that".

I used to say that I was with my ABF because he was my college sweetheart, my soulmate and we belonged together. I saw him the way he was 20 years ago, not the man he'd become over the years. BUT I was going to be the reason he stopped drinking, and he'd become the guy he once was, or EVEN BETTER!! We'd defy the entire history of alcoholism.

Contrary to what I believed, it turns out that if I had a stronger sense of self esteem, I wouldn't have allowed him into my life at all; he would have stayed at a distance - forever. I knew all that I needed to know before I even saw him 2 years ago. He had not earned my trust, my respect or my time. He was not worthy of living in my world - a world I've worked very hard to create. I'm a good, honest, loving, generous person - and he didn't deserve me as a partner. It's not conceit. It's just the truth. It hurts me terribly, but it's the truth.

I've realized that I must condition myself to believe the truth; kind of like brainwash myself. I believed in this illusion that I held onto for 20 years, and now how do you change the way you think about a person in 2 short years? You LOOK at the truth. The facts. See them. Write them down. Put them in your face. And learn how to build your self esteem. You deserve more.

I deserve more than a man who would come home and write text messages and email messages to his ex wife ending in "love you", "miss you" and "xoxo". I deserve more than a man who tells his ex wife that a part of him dies every year on their anniversary for what could have been and what should have been. I deserve more than a man who comes home smelling of alcohol and tells me it's garlic that I smell. I deserve more than a man who refuses to give me half of our living expenses, but takes an hour long shower twice a day; keeps the lights and tv on all night, and even when neither of us is home.

But I lived with, loved and defended this man for almost 2 years.

So, who gets to say what I deserve? I do. I had to change my self-esteem. What I myself believed I deserved.

BTW, don't worry about what he felt/feels for you. Would his loving you or not loving you take away from what you experienced? Some joy at times, some happiness, the feeling of love, some sorrow, pain, etc. Does what he really felt take away from what feelings you've already experienced?

If my ABF used me - I can only say two things -
1) He brought me to a higher understanding of myself and why my relationships failed (I dated men who did not earn the honor of my presence) and
2) He made me feel so loved and deeply in love that it HAD to be a fantasy and an illusion. I lived it, though. I was so in love that I cried from happiness. If he loved me back, great, if not, he can't take away what I experienced. Pure happiness.

And if he didn't feel that, too bad for him.

Now it's time to heal and grow into the person who would be the perfect partner to the kind of man I want. I have to be there to attract what I want. After all, this guy will not be attracted to the gal who was attracted to my ABF and all his troubles, and that would be me...about 2 months ago!!

Hope this helped!!

Ready.

FreeBird09

ReadyToHelp, your post helped me quite a bit. Thank you. I was in the illusion of being 'in love' with my HS Sweetheart. I spent 3 years 'loving' someone incapable of loving me back. BUT IT WAS quite and experience.

NowWhat, you are better then this guy, and I know you know it. Just like all of us are better then the A that we are/was involved with. We were each born with, or cultivated the bleeding heart syndrome. Not a bad thing, but we direct it to others who do NOT deserve to be part of our life.

Good luck, as I know I need it too., It has been 10 months for me (apart) and it is time for me to move on, let go, and let God. He may never be who I want him to be, but I can be all that I need to be for ME.

thegreatescape

Well I was involved with an alcoholic man for eight years. Get this..he left me for a so called friend of mine. I found out that he had been seeing her for almost two years behind my back, while some of this time, she continued to come to my home and pretend to be my friend. One morning he showed me messages she was sending him on my computer about her being naked in front of her fan. I never talked to her again.
I was so naive to think he would not be interested in her, as she was unattractive and morbidly obese. Yes...300 pounds at 5'1.

It has been over a year and I know I should be so grateful..but it still hurts. She is telling everyone that I was the biggest b*tch to him. That he did everything for me and I did absolutely nothing for him. Oh, and how I did not respect or appreciate him. Am I the crazy one? These people can really do a number on you and boggle your mind, if you let them. I let them. This woman has no idea what she is in store for. And I hate to be vengeful, but she deserves every bit of it.

I am starting to heal now and thought I would join in and give support to others.

Still Waters

"What others think of me is none of my business"

Stick it up on your bathroom mirror and on the refrigerator. Learn to live it

merrygoround

[QUOTE=thegreatescape;2241673]
It has been over a year and I know I should be so grateful..but it still hurts. She is telling everyone that I was the biggest b*tch to him. That he did everything for me and I did absolutely nothing for him. Oh, and how I did not respect or appreciate him. Am I the crazy one? These people can really do a number on you and boggle your mind, if you let them. I let them. This woman has no idea what she is in store for. And I hate to be vengeful, but she deserves every bit of it.]

My drug addicted alcoholic drug dealing ex did the same thing to me. Moved on to someone who would use with him. Now that someone is around town putting me down for not allowing him in my house to see his son (if she only knew how he kept coming on to me when I used to allow him). These addicts all act as though there is no addiction problem present. I used to pity her, but now, like you, I believe she deserves every bit of what she gets (likely completely addicted herself, after all, it is free from a dealer)!

It still hurts sometimes when I hear the rumours and look at my poor innocent little baby but I try to remind myself that these are not normal sane people quacking!

TakingCharge999

Once again they share the same soul...

I am trying to go in the direction of compassion, and really know it is just addicted people attracting each other.

A friend told me, when I was devastated knowing he already had someone else living with him living all these wonderful things he promised to me: "he is an alcoholic, those people cannot have a normal relationship...these people always, always end up alone"

There are things that are unacceptable, and I think it is great for us to have a problem with what they do. For some, ending the relation is really painful but a sign you are growing and raising your self esteem. Things that were acceptable are no longer welcome, that is a good sign.

Now, he is an alcoholic with another alcoholic, I can just imagine that hell after the hypocrisy (sp?) stage is over. I like to think God saved me from potentially dangerous situations.

When I commented to my therapist my frustration seeing xAH with someone else right away, making merry as if nothing ever happened, she asked me for some background about him... his mother died some years ago and then was when he started drinking.

So the therapist asked me why I expected someone who has not been able to mourn his mother, to mourn me, or any other ending. Why would I expect someone who has been hiding feelings and running away, to handle yet another ending as a healthy adult? Unreal expectations! that was my problem...

"I cannot ask Eternity from a mortal man" as the song goes... as I get along better with HP and he is my endless source of love, I feel much better and trusting.

Sorry for my ramblings!!

catlady61

Having a "new" girlfriend really sucks when they have put you thru hell and broken you done and then they say they have someone else.....so hurtful after going thru so much with a person. Is it just that the person at home "knows them so well" and the new person they meet is just fresh meat? Someone to tell whatever story they want? Someone who they can make feel for them and who will make them feel good.......uggghhhhh.

FunnyOne

Taking Charge said "they only give in small portions, even with the love that is yours which they feed back to you, in a self serving manner"

I so get this. I have enough love to fill the ocean, and I truly believe that my husband's love was just parrot love....he saw how I loved and faked it. He also saw how I parented and faked it....badly. In the last two years I saw him actually turn from one conversation to another saying what he had just heard me say like it was his original thought! What happens after a while is they can't fake it to someone who is genuine, so they find someone or some group that can be fooled.

This is what is called piercing the veil. Where reality starts peeking through the fantasy. Rip open the veil Now what!

TakingCharge999

Thanks FunnyOne... I got that from a webpage, this is the reference

http://www.scribd.com/doc/325677/Dep...y-Relationship

Its true, x AH once told me he could not be the person I thought he was... but he faked that cool, nice, caring person for months... so once again it was not his fault he put on masks to get what he wanted (enabling!), but ME that "fantasized" all of what we lived and then had to put up with the bad stuff he could not keep hiding, or else!

Ughhhhhhhhhhhhh, I cannot believe I still miss a person like that or that I feel envious of the new gf, I am SICK!!

For what its worth, I prefer to be part of the 50% that is genuine, than the 50% that is faking... everything is denial and faking, faking happiness with alcohol, faking love when its just using the partner, nothing is real.. I mean, they can go get ice cream and smile now, and we are fooled they've changed and someone else is enjoying them... just remember the ugly truths ALWAYS surface and its just all the same cr** repeated all over and over again for them

And at what cost...

Sometimes I just consider myself lucky for not having an accident while he was driving and for being able to recover FOR REAL and feeling love that IS REAL

Wascally Wabbit

It does hurt.
It happened to me too. But, after about two weeks of mourning his complete and total loss forever, I suddenly felt way better. I started to feel FREE!!
You will too. Just hang in there.

Elpis

I wanted to thank everyone for this thread. It already had helped me since I knew my XABF already was with someone else. Then today I saw him driving down the road with a girl in his truck. We've been broken up for over 5 months, and I thought I was doing better. It still hurt to see he has moved on so quickly after 5 1/2 years together. Then I reread this thread, talked to friends and family, and realized he has not moved on. He is still an alcoholic, probably still taking pills, and this girl is probably ok with that. I am not okay with his drinking or the drugs. In my head I know all the reasons I am happier now. But sometimes those emotions and grief over the man I fell in love with take control. It helps so much to read the words of those who have been in this situation also.

Rainbowsend

This isn't mine but I wish it was "alcoholics don't make friends they take hostages" For an active A this is so true.

ellima01

Mine met a real winner in rehab- she knew he was married- didnt care- She is a wh**e. AH says they are just alike- she understands him- true enough. Yes it hurts but I will never take mine back after this. They both lied and deceived to get $from me- its the sickest thing I've ever been thru- I told this chick to have some dignity- she said dignity is overrated- guess that is true for her. AH told me she used to sell her body for $- so he truely left me for a prostituite- I understand your pain- but your better than him!!

TakingCharge999

Hi Elpis, oh I can relate to that hurt... sometimes wounds just reopen or there are triggers but all this is a natural process.

Precisely because of this emotional rollercoaster that you have to face, weaker people decide to run: always having a partner, drinking, taking drugs, obsessing about food, videogames, TV, porn or whatever... at least that is how I see it.

People have also told me "oh he moved on quickly already, why are you stuck?" and I used to feel bad about myself. But you are right. Moving on would be allowing mourning to take place, learning from the past. If the AHs are still AHs, well, what has changed in them? nothing at all. Yet another reason to move on to people that actually grow and take the hard inner look - it is easy to hide, and if I am going to share my life with someone he needs to be a real man