ReadyToHelp

Hi Everyone,

Thank you very much for your support, kind and gentle words. I have been taking it one day at a time, unsure of what I'll find at home. This is bothering me a lot.

He's home right now, in the living room on the air mattress, watching a movie. He's had something to drink, but is lucid, arrogrant and sarcastic. I got suckered into a heated debate on why our "relationship" failed. Silly me. We just went around in circles, him avoiding my responses and countering with something he claims I've done.

I video taped him last Friday in his drunken stupor, staggering throughout the apartment, into the kitchen, eating food out of his hands while bent over the counter, like a dog. I got him eating food right out of a plastic container, no utensils, just by mouth. I got him bumping into the counter and other furniture. His expressions of complete oblivion.

Why? From what I've gathered during our conversations, his comments about what his family has said about his drunkeness, the way his family talks - it appears that he treats these stories as stories, nothing more. It was evident on Saturday night, how unconcerned he was, just one day after he urinated on my bathroom floor, and only 10 hrs after I'd told him about it. Besides, his family does exaggerate and embelish, so that's all the more reason to think they're just trying to make him feel bad.

I was wondering if this is an attempt to get him to see his ways and make him want to stop. But I think this is more of an attempt to get him to just SEE what I saw. That's all. 'Now it's your turn to see this. Yes, that's you. That's what you do.' He may even think deep down inside: "Hmmm, so the horror stories may very well be true."

It's my opinion that no one has to make a declaration to any other person about anything. My ABF does not have to tell me he has a problem. He doesn't have to tell me he's sick. I only hope he admits this to himself.

I guess the question is - what do I want to accomplish by giving him a video of himself?

I think most of you are right - it will make him feel worse. Make him want to drink more. But AGO, who was THERE, said that seeing himself on video actually helped. (Thank you for sharing that story.)

I won't be there to watch it with my ABF. He may choose not to watch.
But I thought if he had the option of watching himself, he could exercise it one day.

Ok, I am not sure what to do. I think it is enough that he's lost me. Maybe I'll just keep it. It's not like he's around people in the video - he's alone, and very pitiful. I call his name a lot, and he doesn't even hear me. And the audio of him crying and coughing that I recorded - it's enough to make you want to turn it off and shake your head, and find some music to listen to to replace the cries of agony that linger in your head.

I have 10 more days. He's leaving by the 31st, no questions. My disinterest in him is enough loss, isn't it? After all, I am the so-called Love of His Life.

It's just so hard having this guy treat me like I am the reason our relationship is over. I want to defend my honor, but he's so sarcastic and quick - and his responses refer to something else, since he can't counter mine.

Ok, thank you for listening. I can make it. Just 10 more days. I feel like screaming. I want to scream while I'm at work. But I started doing cardio yesterday because I need the endorphins. I need something and it can't be ice cream anymore!!!

Hugs are happily accepted and appreciated!! Supportive words and thoughts are, too!

Is it May 31st yet? (Just checking.)

READY

Pelican

I recommend screaming in the car! I have screamed, cursed and punched the passenger seat while driving to an Alanon meeting before my divorce was final. I was hoarse at the meeting, but I was not the only one that had a rant on my way to that meeting that night. So I ended up sharing a good laugh with another member over which words worked best for us in releasing the anger. We agreed that her words were the only ones fit to repeat in public! She recommends "Fudge", by the way.

I think you should accept that you are the reason the relationship is over. You want someone that treats you with respect and kindness. You want someone that is open and honest and treats you as a partner in life. You deserve that much and more! You know this and this is why you are ending the relationship.

That's what we want for you too! (((Ready)))

prodigal

This is just my opinion, but I think my major concern for YOU, once you are out of this relationship, is you are going to start feeling kinda lost. Take it from someone who has been there. I was married to a very abusive A. I did not have a plan in place; I left at 10 p.m. on a Sunday evening and got the heck out because he was one step from beating me to death.

But once I got out, I found myself at a loss. I no longer had to fight with my AH. I no longer had to fight to make him see the light. I had lost all the drama. I was left with me, and ME ALONE.

I did not realize what a diversion he had become in my life, as badly as I wanted to get out of the relationship.

In his mind, you ARE the reason the relationship is over. But as the worn-out old saying goes, "Consider the source." My exAH went all over town bad-mouthing me to anyone who would listen, particularly out mutual "friends." And most of those so-called "friends" distanced themselves from me. Why? Because they were A's themselves, or married to an A, or dating an A. Either way, having me in the equation upset the balance of their group-fest denial.

The only way your ex will ever see the light is if he gets true sobriety. If he does not, simply let it go and remember what they say in Al-Anon: "You opinion of me is none of my business."

Hang in there ... this, too, shall pass. But just be prepared to feel a bit unsettled and lost when all this insanity is suddenly no longer a part of your life.

DESIGNER

This is a hard one I must say. I struggled with this one also.....I wanted to PROVE TO HIM that I was not the reason that our relationship was over and that the drinking was. Oh and did we fight about this. He took some of the responsiblity but he also called me crazy and said that he did not like my anger problem.

Well it has been two months and guess who has not gotten so upset that she thinks that she is crazy....ME. That is right. He is not in my life and my life has been so much more calm and I don't have a reason to be so angry. He can think what he wants. He just recently lost his job and once again he blamed it on the owner of the company...said that he was messed up.

It is never his fault and will never be his fault because he is in denial of his addiction. Now I am not saying that i always handled the problems at hand like I should have and I beat myself up over that but also I have to remind myself that that was the first time I had ever been in a relationship where I was treated like a doormat. I had no training on how to act.

I do know that I have grown from this experience and am moving on and he is still stuck in his same old life!!!

Keep your head up...I was in the same situation about 1.5 ago where i had to stay in the same place he was while we were breaking up....HORRIBLE...I understand your pain. Just don't do what I did and get back with him 6 months later!!!!! Keep doing this when he talks....

DESIGNER

This is very true....you are going to feel unsettled at first. The focus goes back to you and that is hard to deal with. Cry if you want, write to us on here, call a friend whatever it takes. Each day will get better I so promise....about a month ago I thought that my life was just going to be sad...so not true...it will get better day by day. Remain positive and know that you did all that you could do and surrender!!!!

ItsmeAlice

9 days and 45 minutes by my clock. The day is coming. It's coming. The passage of time, thankfully, is a certainty.

The need for validation is so strong for me. I find myself suddenly gratified every day when my ABF does something out of his addiction (behaving badly, stumbling around, being irrationally argumentative). Somehow I need to see that every day to be reassured that he is still an addict, and I am still supposed to be detached from him. I worry that I'm becoming fixated on "finding the addict" before I can feel okay.

Don't go down this particular side street with me. Stay on the path you are on. You have a destination, May 31, go there with purpose. Put down the video, detach yourself from him, no conversations beyond small talk, stay pleasant, and stay focused on the task coming up. He is leaving, this is real, you need to emotional prepare yourself and allow him the space to prepare in his own way. Blaming you and you defending yourself is getting off topic. Your both part of this problem. Now be part of the solution.

with love.

Alice

gerryP

Hi again Ready,

I'm happy to read that you are "ready" for him to leave on the 31st. Is he ready to go though?

I have been sober for almost 4 years and there was nothing anyone could have said to me during my worst drinking, especially at the end, that could have or did make any difference.

When we drink, we just don't care. It's our medicine, we need it. It's the old "If you had my life, you would be drinking too!".

It's an inside job. Quitting alcohol abuse has to come from within. We have to require more of ourselves and for ourselves to want to quit. We want to have a better life. We have to get back to that place we were before we abused alcohol, or create a new life for ourselves without alcohol in it.

I'm sure you are the love of his life to him and I'm sure you have a history with him to still be there today and want so much for him to stop and have a good life you think you both can have, but the truth is Ready....only he can do this and only of he wants to be sober more than he wants to drink.

I hope you move forward. There is a whole world out there for you to discover and a wonderful life for *you* to live.

Hugs to you.

tallulah

I understand why you videoed him. Sometimes you need to have a reminder when the gaslighting starts, the excuses, the 'you're exaggerating I wasn't that bad'.

I suppose the video can be used in two ways. The first way is give him a copy as some kind of punctuation mark to why you are over. Of course he may not watch it now or ever but it is symbolic I guess. The second and probably most important way is a reminder to yourself what you're leaving behind and why. In those moments when you miss him and maybe start blue-sky thinking, those moments when you wonder whether maybe you have done the right thing, those moments of self doubt.. you can watch it and see why.. then look around you to see how far you and your life have come.

Not long now. Just a few days. Stay safe and stay strong. :ghug

silkspin

It seems unbearable to wait, but it will come. I have screamed in the car, it helps! I also video'd AH once, cuz he didn't believe he'd be in such a stupor that he'd sprawl all over the bed and push me off, and flail his limbs sometimes in his passout that I'd come close to getting smacked with an elbow (so I'd end up sleeping somewhere else).

He saw the video, and I guess it convinced him I wasn't nuts, but it didn't do anything to stop or curb his drinking. He finally did that on his own once I found al anon. You can give him the video but I'd advise against having any expectation that it will have the effect you'd like (whatever that is - to prove a point or just show and tell). You are better off cutting your ties and moving on.

I just posted on another thread about wanting to prove something. It was (and sometimes still is) such an overwhelming desire to SHOW him how much of a mess he was, and how much his actions hurt me and our family. Through al anon I learned that in trying to make him suffer I was allowing myself to continue to suffer. I have slowly been able to let go of that. I am taking care of myself now. It's too exhausting and not worth my while to try and convince another person of something they can't or won't be convinced of. I've made amends with myself and that's enough.

Here's to moving time along quickly!

FunnyOne

My R?AH looked at the video, stared blankly at me and opened his mouth up and said, "And your point is?"

ReadyToHelp

Thank you all for writing and for your support. Thank you so much. This is soooo hard. Yesterday we both had off - so he cooked some food and he packed. He was slow at organizing his stuff, but it was getting organized for placing into boxes - which I bought for him. (Whatever.It.Takes)

Yesterday was great. No bickering. I kept it light, and he mirrored. There was no alcohol smell. We kept a funny movie on in the background for noise and a diversion. He was the person I loved. But today I realized he was just being a normal person, like he should be. Why give him so much credit for being...the way he's supposed to be??!! That and the thought of watching the video knocked me out of the "blue sky". Whew. But I wasn't going to let him stay.

He was on his cell at one point chatting about what would fit into the guy's SUV. No mention on which day he'd move. Just he'd be finished packing by Thursday. Could it be that he'd spring a surprise on me? Then it would be less than...

FIVE MORE DAYS!!

Bring it on.

Thanks Tallulah. I've been waiting for the moment he'd challenge me after his binge last year. He probably knows he's a "messy" drunk already - he lived with his ex for 10 years and he became pretty bad while with her. I also thought I'd need to see it today. Last night, while in bed, and when he "went out for a while", as I was coming back to reality with his need to go out at 11pm, I was going to listen to the audio that I taped on my iPhone of him crying. No need to get out of bed and set up a camera on its VCR function to hear it. It was right there. I got over my blue-sky thinking quickly. I've been kind of blue today, but strangely in a good mood.

Thanks Silkspin. Maybe there's something related to when they were infants or toddlers. Having the bed to himself, and not sharing his space. Why would he push you off the bed?? I thought about proving him wrong. It would be wrong to do it. He's got nothing. It's like me arguing with a homeless guy. He's lost, no matter what the topic is.

I think the video is for informational purposes. A "just so you know, this is how you are." I don't expect it to be the reason he stops drinking. I am "The Love of His Life" and living with me didn't stop him, so looking at the video won't. I'd have to give it to him after he leaves anyway. I have no way to make a DVD out of it right now. :-(

FunnyOne, that's really funny. I hope you're not offended, but I had to laugh. I could see my ABF saying the same thing. He has turned sarcastic after I've made a good point to counter his solid logical reasoning. He's an excellent debater. But, instead of admitting I'm right, he'll just ask if I thought this was healthy for our relationship or he'd say something sarcastic like that. I could see him, after my showing him the video, saying those EXACT words. I can even see his expression. Then he'd add, "I'd hate to think this is your idea of strenghthening our relationship. You've got problems."

ReadyToHelp

Thank you, Pelican. I've been working out every day. Last week I realized that I needed to bring in some endorphins to help out because this is going to get harder. This whole "it's over" thing is painful. I know he's going to play it up big, with some profound final words. But I'll remember, it's the addict feeding his host more Love Potion #9.

You are right - it IS me who is the reason we're over. I had the courage to end it. The Love of My Life. To let him go. To stop enabling him. Thank you for your kind thoughts!!

[QUOTE=prodigal;2235284]This is just my opinion, but I think my major concern for YOU, once you are out of this relationship, is you are going to start feeling kinda lost. Take it from someone who has been there. I was married to a very abusive A. I did not have a plan in place; I left at 10 p.m. on a Sunday evening and got the heck out because he was one step from beating me to death.

But once I got out, I found myself at a loss. I no longer had to fight with my AH. I no longer had to fight to make him see the light. I had lost all the drama. I was left with me, and ME ALONE.

I did not realize what a diversion he had become in my life, as badly as I wanted to get out of the relationship.

In his mind, you ARE the reason the relationship is over. But as the worn-out old saying goes, "Consider the source." My exAH went all over town bad-mouthing me to anyone who would listen, particularly out mutual "friends." And most of those so-called "friends" distanced themselves from me. Why? Because they were A's themselves, or married to an A, or dating an A. Either way, having me in the equation upset the balance of their group-fest denial.

The only way your ex will ever see the light is if he gets true sobriety. If he does not, simply let it go and remember what they say in Al-Anon: "You opinion of me is none of my business."

Hang in there ... this, too, shall pass. But just be prepared to feel a bit unsettled and lost when all this insanity is suddenly no longer a part of your life.[/QUOTE]

Thank you, Prodigal. You are one of the big reasons I am where I am emotionally. You make another excellent point. I have considered that only because of the conversations I'd have with my friends. One was married to an A for 14 years, so she'd tell me stories to try to get me to see the light. My other friends love to analyze things, so we'd analyze his behavior, what I've read, what he said during every call. A new coworker of mine who was a criminal investigator turned paper pusher put a lot of it into perspective - I was consumed by him and his behavior; it was like I plugged my life support system into him and fed off of his actions. Just the other day he asked why I was in his knapsack (in response to my telling him that I found paperwork indicating he'd been arrested in January and went to court in April) - not the response I was expecting. He said, "what you were just sitting around with nothing to do, so you figured you'd look through his stuff?" It was funny, but true. I can hear the shower go on, even when I'm on Xanax asleep.

No more talking about him after he leaves. I've analyzed him beyond reasoning. Now, the only thing left is...well, that's where he'd come in: choose to not drink. All that analysis and study for the one thing we can't control: Him to take action. Darn it!

Anyway, I plan to say alone for a bit and be gentle with myself and with my thoughts. I will exercise, eat right, and go to bed early. I will cry. I will pray. I will forgive myself. And I will find something else to talk about besides him!! I guess I'll have to start watching the news and TV shows. Take classes.

Thank you, Prodigal. You are so right about that. Especially since I attached my identity to him and my being with him "one day" which "finally" came. How bad is that for brainwashing!?

I will add "Your opinion of me is none of my business" to my list of affirmations. I need a mental response when I think or hear him criticize me with something untrue but hurtful.

Thank you, thank you.

ReadyToHelp

Thank you, Designer. I WON'T take him back because I know he has to hit rock bottom. Everyone in his life has been protecting him for a good 17 years (per my calculations), and I added the last two. So, I'm not enabling him and standing between him and the possibility of his sobriety. They never accept blame, and I don't want to live like that. He has been taken to the hospital twice for smoke inhalation from cooking and burning something when he'd been drunk and just fell asleep. Is that the risk I want to take over the next 30 years? What if I have a little girl sleeping in her crib?

As he relieved himself on my bathroom floor, the gal who loved him was released from my grasp. No more hope and dreams in my back yard. Take that show some place else. With what little self-esteem I apparenly have, I have boundaries and they come with cleaning up after a man in my own apartment. He knows he gets this gross when he gets this drunk. So he knew something like this would happen. So, indirectly he did do this to me. So, hey, when he get to that point, then he'd spit on me, spit on my apartment and spit on the life I've created for myself. And he wouldn't spit on a homeless person the way he'd spit on me. There's nothing that could fix that. Not when you add all the other stuff he's done.


Thank you for counting with me! I love the count down. It's strangely exciting. I love what's coming next - my new bathroom stuff. Towels, bath mat, bath rug, accessories (toothbrush holder, etc). New sheets, too. In a month, a bed and bedroom furniture. Not expensive stuff, but it's something! My bedroom will be my sanctuary!!

I kind of became concerned about what you described. I had nothing to talk about with friends if we didn't have an interesting interaction. How important am I if I don't have something exciting to discuss or analyze? Well, that has to go - because everything is so emotionally addictive. The observing behavior. The analyzing his every move. The failure to be successful. The dysfuntional family. Searching his stuff for "evidence". Checking his cell phone for text messages that have any significance in my search for anything related to anything other than work or sports. ()

Why couldn't I just stop?? Because it's fun. It's sneaky. It's like Mission Impossible. So what if I find an empty bottle. Ok, he had something to drink. Now what??? Nothing, go back to bed.

I am staying pleasant, and calm, and I let him get his jabs in. Let him talk crap. Whatever. Like I said, it's like arguing with a homeless person. My ABF has no pension, no savings (but I suspect he has a hidden bank account, oops, there I go again, Ms. Pink Panther), just 2 waiter jobs. There's no fight. He's lost until he's sober. And he's almost 50 years old.



Hi Gerry, thank you for your message. Congratulations on being sober for 4 years. I will share the "inside job" concept with my ABF's mom. She's his biggest enabler of all, but his brother convinced her to stop for this time around. We'll see.

I think he's ready to leave, sort of. I am worried that he'll binge once more, but he has a place to go, so I don't think he'll mess that up. He's off my lease and has a written agreement to leave by May 31. That means my locks change on June 1. I think I'll have to let him know that May 31 is locked in.

I guess only my love will know what it is that will make life worth being sober. He thought it was me. I discouraged that because I don't believe in idolizing humans. We make mistakes and we die. My ABF's sponsor is dealing with his own sponsor's falling off the wagon, a friend falling off the wagon and a break up of his engagement. Who can he turn to now??? HIMSELF and his HP.

I am ready to heal, Gerry, and continue letting him go from my heart. Thank you for your advice. I need so much support right now.

I won't go back. I just don't want to fall apart in the process. The mind is a delicate thing, and I worry that mine is secretly plotting out a coup of some sort. ;-)

TakingCharge999

You can do this!!!!!!!!!

GiveLove

Five more days, Ready. You can get through this, and the times to follow.

What's out there waiting for you is really brilliant.

steve11694

Thank you very mnuch for your post. I sure remember "arrogant and sarcastic". The video will not make him get sober. He may be shocked for a moment but his mind will rationalize it in some form.

If it were me and his family are non believers, I might send them a loving and caring and concerned letter along with a copy of the video, so at least they may seek help in dealing with alcoholism in their son; not an easy thing for a for any family.

silkspin

You know, reading this over made me laugh. No offense meant either, just in relation to what I've heard in al anon over and over again; that those around the A can become sicker than the A themselves, to the point of insanity. Reading this, I got a picture of myself, searching around in a dark, quiet house for my camera, and creeping in and recording him snoring and tossing about. Now he went out and had a grand old time with some buddies, came home and passed out. And here I am, hoping to prove something to him in the morning, camera in hand at 2am. And who's crazy? They'd have a point telling these us we're irrational, wouldn't they?

I am so glad I'm not in that place anymore. Looking back, my situation wasn't as terrible as many who post here, but I can see my insanity in trying to deal with him. I'm glad you are sticking to your guns and getting out. And I see your point about loving the 'normal' him too. That should be the norm, right? Unfortunately the reality is that his 'norm' is different!