where now?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Good for you. Feels good to take hold of your life, doesn't it?!
There are ups and downs to each path (staying or going) I think the key is to take each day as it comes, and keep your eye on the end goal.
And remember, your wife will get sober or stay drunk because it is what she chooses for herself - and not what you choose for her.
There are ups and downs to each path (staying or going) I think the key is to take each day as it comes, and keep your eye on the end goal.
And remember, your wife will get sober or stay drunk because it is what she chooses for herself - and not what you choose for her.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by tracksuitman 
well i've done it,my wife is going to move out,i feel empty,sick its the hardest thing i've ever had to do i cried so much i could hardly get my words out,i know its for the best but i've done it the hard bit is going to be sticking to my decision,so many times i have drawn the line just to move it again the next day,hope i'm doing the right thing.big thanks to everyone for all your replies,so good to know i'm not alone
Keep posting, and if you are a praying man, ask God to give you strength during this difficult time! :ghug :ghug
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
I think that it took incredible strength to make the decision you have.. and like you said, you knew what you needed to do. I honestly can't imagine how difficult that was, and there are a LOT of people here who have been in your shoes and can offer experienced support. Regardless of what SHE decides to do (because remember, her decisions and life choices are hers, an hers alone), it sounds like you are ready to get your head clear, take charge of your life, and move forward instead of staying stuck.
I do also hope you get some support for you, alanon, counseling, etc.. none of us do very well all by ourselves, with any major life situation. Take care of you!!!
I do also hope you get some support for you, alanon, counseling, etc.. none of us do very well all by ourselves, with any major life situation. Take care of you!!!
Being Silent so I can Hear
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: USA
Posts: 2,521
It's difficult to think and see straight when we're caught up in our loved ones alcoholism. Now that you have some time free, you'll begin to see things clearer, and in time you'll feel much better about what you had to do for you and your child.
Hang in there, this too shall pass.
(they have surfing in Wales??)
Hang in there, this too shall pass.
(they have surfing in Wales??)
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
This is not the end of your story, this is only a part of the story of your marriage. More will unfold. Your challenge now and always is to stay in reality when confronting her disease. I am so sorry for all your tears. My God, the suffering caused by addiction is just immeasurable.....
Believe in what you are doing by refusing to enable her ability to drink without consequences.
Consequences get addicts sober, God willing.
I hope the ocean restores your battered spirit this weekend. Do take care, tsm. God bless you and your daughter.
Believe in what you are doing by refusing to enable her ability to drink without consequences.
Consequences get addicts sober, God willing.
I hope the ocean restores your battered spirit this weekend. Do take care, tsm. God bless you and your daughter.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Please try to enjoy your time away - "clearing your head," as they say. I hope you come back with greater clarity and peace of mind. You cannot help her now - she has to walk this path herself.
We have a couple of Welsh SR members who have shared pictures of their beaches with us in the past...wow, beautiful.
We have a couple of Welsh SR members who have shared pictures of their beaches with us in the past...wow, beautiful.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 477
so i'm going to go surf in Wales for the weekend,a bit of time for me without worrying about my wife,if she's going to hurt herself,forgot what it's like to have no worries/problems/anxieties excited but scared.
Enjoy your weekend, tracksuitman. It's a positive step when you do something just for you!
ARL
Enjoy your weekend, tracksuitman. It's a positive step when you do something just for you!
ARL
Guest
Join Date: May 2008
Posts: 1,049
Hi there Track,
As a recovered alcoholic and I say recovered, because I don't drink anymore and won't drink again because It's about choice...for me. Honestly? The drinking career I engaged in for 20 years, how shall I say....wasn't working for me. But I digress.
I wanted to say that I haven't been in your situation or on the other side of the fence, but I can tell you that all the pleading from family and friends went in one ear and out the other. i simply didn't want to stop drinking. Horrible things happened to me and I would minimize them. Alcoholics while active in their drinking are not in the same frame of mind. We are deluded and operate on a one track mind. Nothing you can do or say, nor how many treatment centres you ship her out to before you go broke, will change that until your wife decides that she can't continue on the way she has been. You might be making it easy for her to continue drinking by providing her with a soft place to fall.
I'm sure this is difficult to hear Track and you love her and you don't want to see anything get worse for her, but she is the architect of her own design in this, with or without you. I think you mentioned you have a child? Don't let her have to grow up too fast. Think about making some plans for you and your child.
Best wishes Track. No one asks to be in these situations, but you can change the outcome.
As a recovered alcoholic and I say recovered, because I don't drink anymore and won't drink again because It's about choice...for me. Honestly? The drinking career I engaged in for 20 years, how shall I say....wasn't working for me. But I digress.
I wanted to say that I haven't been in your situation or on the other side of the fence, but I can tell you that all the pleading from family and friends went in one ear and out the other. i simply didn't want to stop drinking. Horrible things happened to me and I would minimize them. Alcoholics while active in their drinking are not in the same frame of mind. We are deluded and operate on a one track mind. Nothing you can do or say, nor how many treatment centres you ship her out to before you go broke, will change that until your wife decides that she can't continue on the way she has been. You might be making it easy for her to continue drinking by providing her with a soft place to fall.
I'm sure this is difficult to hear Track and you love her and you don't want to see anything get worse for her, but she is the architect of her own design in this, with or without you. I think you mentioned you have a child? Don't let her have to grow up too fast. Think about making some plans for you and your child.
Best wishes Track. No one asks to be in these situations, but you can change the outcome.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Hello track,
It takes great, great courage to take action. I hope you give yourself credit for changing the status quo and choosing something different, something better - for you and your daughter.
If I can assure you something, is that time will prove you made the right decision.
As painful as it is, it would be more painful to put your daughter's and your own happiness on hold just because someone else is diseased.
Know you are still able to love her - you love her by not supporting her disease. You can love her - from a safe distance that does not compromise your daughter or your well being.
This too shall pass.
It takes great, great courage to take action. I hope you give yourself credit for changing the status quo and choosing something different, something better - for you and your daughter.
If I can assure you something, is that time will prove you made the right decision.
As painful as it is, it would be more painful to put your daughter's and your own happiness on hold just because someone else is diseased.
Know you are still able to love her - you love her by not supporting her disease. You can love her - from a safe distance that does not compromise your daughter or your well being.
This too shall pass.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Peak District UK
Posts: 21
really moved by everyones support,means a lot to me still feel completely gutted but i know this is for the best,gonna pack the van up and get movin now,hoping a bit of time away on my own will clear my head.Can't say enough times how much everyones support means to me,i can do this,take care all
Member
Join Date: Feb 2009
Posts: 2,059
enjoy your weekend, tracksuitman.
oh, and just a warning, get ready for her quacking. when we stop enabling, the A starts to panic and make all sorts of promises. pay no mind to what she says (as hard as that is) but DO pay attention to what she DOES.
second warning, get ready for the blame-game. when you stop enabling, things probably will take a rapid decline for your wife. it is the A's pattern to blame you for this. it's a bit tough to be resolute, as in all liklihood, you will feel responsible, guilt, etc. but it is not your fault: it is a result of her choices.
good luck to you and your child!
naive
oh, and just a warning, get ready for her quacking. when we stop enabling, the A starts to panic and make all sorts of promises. pay no mind to what she says (as hard as that is) but DO pay attention to what she DOES.
second warning, get ready for the blame-game. when you stop enabling, things probably will take a rapid decline for your wife. it is the A's pattern to blame you for this. it's a bit tough to be resolute, as in all liklihood, you will feel responsible, guilt, etc. but it is not your fault: it is a result of her choices.
good luck to you and your child!
naive
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 60
I wholeheartedly second what Naive said.
As heartbreaking as it is there does seem to be a pattern with the A when we start taking steps to take care of ourselves. I can't tell you how much reading everyone's experience here helped prepare me for what was happening.
When I started hearing the quacking I was able to quickly recognize it for what it was.
When I started hearing the blame I was able to see that whatever the situation being blamed in reality it wasn't my fault.
Since I've left I've let mine know in no uncertain terms that if we cannot have a pleasant conversation there will be no conversation. I also let him know that if he is focusing on me or us (ie. quacking or blame) he is not focusing on himself.
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I also believe it is the right thing for both of us. Neither of us had a chance to be healthy while we were together.
As heartbreaking as it is there does seem to be a pattern with the A when we start taking steps to take care of ourselves. I can't tell you how much reading everyone's experience here helped prepare me for what was happening.
When I started hearing the quacking I was able to quickly recognize it for what it was.
When I started hearing the blame I was able to see that whatever the situation being blamed in reality it wasn't my fault.
Since I've left I've let mine know in no uncertain terms that if we cannot have a pleasant conversation there will be no conversation. I also let him know that if he is focusing on me or us (ie. quacking or blame) he is not focusing on himself.
It's the hardest thing I've ever had to do but I also believe it is the right thing for both of us. Neither of us had a chance to be healthy while we were together.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
off topic: tracksuitman, I hope you enjoy these days, here I am imagining you riding the waves. I would like to surf one day! of course I even forgot how to swim, after a scare at the sea I am afraid of water but I am planning to attend some classes and at least try to "surf" once in my life 
another warning: do not be amazed either, if she gives you the cold shoulder altogether and moves to another man right away. This is also a recurrent pattern for addictive personalities. Remember, remember: it is not about you or about another person.
It's ALWAYS, ALWAYS about the alcoholic and his or her disease. Even beyond that - it is ALL between your wife and herself.
Alcoholism cannot continue if there is not someone else that suffers the consequences of alcoholism instead of the alcoholic. That is why it is advised to leave them alone. Without cushions, THEY start to resent the consequences of their actions and just then they are able to start the recovery process.
The last warning: losing a partner and kids is not a guarantee your wife will look for help. I am sad to tell you this, but some people have everything going for them, then lose it all: house, family, friends, job, health... and never accept they had a problem.
You do not know what path your wife will chose, I hope this is her "bottom" and losing her family awakens her. But please, do not trust that is what is gonna happen. Just keep moving forward healing your own heart and trust she is in God's hands (or a higher power of your understanding). Easier said than done, I know.
trackmansuit, it also means a great deal to me to be able to share my experience, strength and hope with you. It gives meaning to my past. When faced alone, this family disease is unsurmountable, but when faced in a group, then.... we can all heal.
I am thinking of you ((track))
another warning: do not be amazed either, if she gives you the cold shoulder altogether and moves to another man right away. This is also a recurrent pattern for addictive personalities. Remember, remember: it is not about you or about another person.
It's ALWAYS, ALWAYS about the alcoholic and his or her disease. Even beyond that - it is ALL between your wife and herself.
Alcoholism cannot continue if there is not someone else that suffers the consequences of alcoholism instead of the alcoholic. That is why it is advised to leave them alone. Without cushions, THEY start to resent the consequences of their actions and just then they are able to start the recovery process.
The last warning: losing a partner and kids is not a guarantee your wife will look for help. I am sad to tell you this, but some people have everything going for them, then lose it all: house, family, friends, job, health... and never accept they had a problem.
You do not know what path your wife will chose, I hope this is her "bottom" and losing her family awakens her. But please, do not trust that is what is gonna happen. Just keep moving forward healing your own heart and trust she is in God's hands (or a higher power of your understanding). Easier said than done, I know.
trackmansuit, it also means a great deal to me to be able to share my experience, strength and hope with you. It gives meaning to my past. When faced alone, this family disease is unsurmountable, but when faced in a group, then.... we can all heal.
I am thinking of you ((track))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Peak District UK
Posts: 21
I'm back!thanks again for all your kind words,taking charge if you get chance try surfing,you'll love it,nothing better to clear your head,just you and the ocean,and rebecca your right Wales is a beautiful place wish i was still there but i've had to come home and put things in order.My Wife left today i just hope the reallity of what is happening to her will sink in but i have resigned myself to the fact that i can do no more,i can't cure her or control her drinking she was still ringing me drunk whilst i was away telling me what a p*ick i was and how its my fault and shes only still drinking cos i left her alone,its all water off a ducks back now and i know its all bull,one excuse after another.The hardest bit is explaining to my daughter whats going on,she knows all about her mums drinking but i'm mad with myself for letting it get this far i should have drawn the line sooner instead of drawing it then moving it again the next day when shes full of remorse.i know me and my daughter will be fine but i makes me mad to think what my wife is giving up,choosing the drink over us.I know there is along way to go yet but i know this is for the best,were better of with no wife/mum rather than a drunk one
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
The hard thing to deal with emotionally is that they do make that choice — the alcohol over their family. I'm still wrestling with that cold hard fact. I try to put it out of my mind, because when I think of it, it makes me angry.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Peak District UK
Posts: 21
it makes me angry too,they can have everything but its still not enough,my daughter thinks her mum dosen't care about her any more,i've just got to accept i'm unable to change her and must start looking after me and my daughter
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
It helps me when I think xAH is a troubled soul in reality / if he is hiding under alcohol, he is carrying a pain that "losing me" could not even compare to.. in this way I can find compassion as I no longer believe there was evil hidden on his ways, but sorrow and sadness he is not ready to confront yet (or ever)
I hope tracksuitman that you can make your daughter know she is loved, but her mom is diseased.. and it has nothing to do with her... its just what all these diseased people do. And I am glad you are there for her, when she grows up she will know which one of her parents was really there for her, and faced his own inner turmoils to be as present with her as any parent should be.
I hope tracksuitman that you can make your daughter know she is loved, but her mom is diseased.. and it has nothing to do with her... its just what all these diseased people do. And I am glad you are there for her, when she grows up she will know which one of her parents was really there for her, and faced his own inner turmoils to be as present with her as any parent should be.
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