newcomer
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: eastern pa
Posts: 51
newcomer
hi. i am new to this. i am 37 yrs old with a 13 yr old, 7 yr. old and 4 yr old. i work basically full time and my husband is a "functional" alcoholic. we have been married for 8 years. when we first got married, we would go out and drink together but after the last 2 kids, i grew up, he didn't. he is faithful, he's just a selfish alchoholic. he sometimes gets verbal when drinking, because i find it hard to keep my mouth shut. my kids always seem to be there,too. my daughter had her first migraine last week and she is the 7 yr. old. too much stress for her???????? he has gotten physical a few times. he has wrecked his motorcycle twice, not serious, ruined 2 other vehicles and threw wood all over the hood of my jeep. he drinks almost everyday one week and then the next maybe only 3. he goes in spurts, so i never know what each day is going to bring. i can't make plans because they usually ruined. my children seem to suffer most. i have wanted to leave but don't think it is fair that i leave everything behind. i have 2 dogs and a cat. he is the one with the problem, why must i suffer. i did kick him out last month for 2 days and the first night, he beat the crap out of somebody at a bar, was driving around drunk, passing out in his van and missed 2 days of work. i love him dearly but just want some peace. any advise
Member
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 182
Sweetie, that doesn't sound very functional to me. Read through the threads in this forum, and you will find many who have walked your path including yours truly. My advice is to do something, get yourself and your children safe and then meet here, join alanon, and try to figure out why you think abuse is something you need to endure in your lifetime. Hugs
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Let's see... he's functional you say. He is selfish, gets verbally abusive because YOU can't keep your mouth shut, has been physically abusive, driven drunk and had wrecks. Damaged property. You walk on eggshells, can't make plans cause they are ruined, and your kids are a nervous wreck. What IS there to "love" about him? Really?
I'd say those are all good reasons to get him out — you deserve more and so do your children.
I'd say those are all good reasons to get him out — you deserve more and so do your children.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2006
Location: FL
Posts: 14,246
Hi rover, I'm so glad you found this forum and hope you will continue to come by to post and read up on this disease. There's lots to learn just from reading the other posts and replies, and the sticky threads on the top of the page contain lots of good information and resources for you too.
Many of us here live with or have lived with the same kinds of behaviors you listed about your spouse. The details may differ somewhat but the core issues remain the same- this disease is destructive and progressive. You have options and there's help for you and your kids too.
Al-Anon for you and Alateen for your older ones can be a great source of help and support in addition to coming here to SR.
Many of us here live with or have lived with the same kinds of behaviors you listed about your spouse. The details may differ somewhat but the core issues remain the same- this disease is destructive and progressive. You have options and there's help for you and your kids too.
Al-Anon for you and Alateen for your older ones can be a great source of help and support in addition to coming here to SR.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
newcomer--keep coming back here and posting and reading. It will help you get perspective on what is really going on. It will help you to step back perhaps as an observer and say--hmmmm, is this normal? Is it OK for someone to treat me and my children like this? Is it OK to get kicked out of your house and respond by getting drunk, beating someone up, miss work for 2 days.
You are right--it is not fair that you are the one who has to do the work so you can have a sane and peaceful life. However, that is what you will have to do. That is one thing I learned here. I can wish as hard as I want that AH would straigten up and fly right but I can't do that anymore than make him get a job. None of us have the power to make anyone do something. We do have the power to make ourselves do something. Read the stickies, find other things to read (I am a fan of Melanie Beattie--I think that is spelled right)--she writes in a way that hits home for me. Reading, coming here and realizing what I really want in life for myself and kids was the first thing that made me realize I am a codie and need to work on myself.
As soon as I started to take my focus off AH and started to focus on my recovery (and yes, we have to recover too because we have developed some pretty strange ideas about what is a normal relationship and our own powers-classic example for me is I always threatend to leave AH if he didn't get his act together--he would ever so briefly so I continued on--then I would toss out the threat again). It took me coming here, gonig to AlAnon and reading more about MY problem to realize what I need to do to have a normal, peaceful and happy life. It does not happen over night so be patient with yourself.
Welcome and keep posting. It helps to have others who have walked in your shoes understand--and occasionally nudge you into a place where you are taking care of your self
You are right--it is not fair that you are the one who has to do the work so you can have a sane and peaceful life. However, that is what you will have to do. That is one thing I learned here. I can wish as hard as I want that AH would straigten up and fly right but I can't do that anymore than make him get a job. None of us have the power to make anyone do something. We do have the power to make ourselves do something. Read the stickies, find other things to read (I am a fan of Melanie Beattie--I think that is spelled right)--she writes in a way that hits home for me. Reading, coming here and realizing what I really want in life for myself and kids was the first thing that made me realize I am a codie and need to work on myself.
As soon as I started to take my focus off AH and started to focus on my recovery (and yes, we have to recover too because we have developed some pretty strange ideas about what is a normal relationship and our own powers-classic example for me is I always threatend to leave AH if he didn't get his act together--he would ever so briefly so I continued on--then I would toss out the threat again). It took me coming here, gonig to AlAnon and reading more about MY problem to realize what I need to do to have a normal, peaceful and happy life. It does not happen over night so be patient with yourself.
Welcome and keep posting. It helps to have others who have walked in your shoes understand--and occasionally nudge you into a place where you are taking care of your self
Thriving sober since 12/18/08
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Orlando, FL
Posts: 3,115
Ok, that does not sound functional at ALL!
Protect those babies please
It's up to you to decide what is ok and not ok, and you are the protector.. while you may choose to live with this mess, they don't have an option.
Read and post here, it's very helpful!!
Protect those babies please
It's up to you to decide what is ok and not ok, and you are the protector.. while you may choose to live with this mess, they don't have an option.Read and post here, it's very helpful!!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Welcome rover! I am glad you are reaching out. This is a wonderful place full of wise and caring people that understand how you feel.
What saddened me most is knowing a 7 year old girl is suffering migraines. Your job as a mom is to protect your kids and you are letting them be hurt with emotional and now physical scars. They do not deserve this, and nor do you.
When will it be enough? How much do your kids and you have to suffer until something changes?
"I have wanted to leave but don't think it is fair that i leave everything behind. i have 2 dogs and a cat."
"Leave everything behind"? what is more important, the house, stuff, pets, or the peace and joy you can have with your kids? and why wouldn't you be able to bring your pets with you?
I am sorry to hear your husband has this disease. However, please remember the 3 Cs
You did not cause his problem.
You never controlled his way of drinking.
You cannot cure him. No one else can cure him.
"he is the one with the problem, why must i suffer. "
You "must" nothing. You do not owe him anything, and you deserve the life you imagine for yourself.
I agree he has a very serious problem, a disease. But by being there for him, you are silently approving of everything he does.
Have you considered he will never change? The untreated disease is chronic and progressive. He will always be an alcoholic, if he does not seek recovery for himself, which may or may not happen in his lifetime. Progressive means - if you can be sure of ONE thing, is that he will drink more, and what you have mentioned is 'small' compared to what will happen in the future, jail, killing someone else because of reckless drunk driving, horrible illnesses you will have a front row seat to, violence towards you and the kids (in fact it seems you are already living this), the list goes on. It is sad, but day by day he is taking the choice to drink, instead of taking the choice to be healthy and present for his family. Ok. It is his life.
Now what with YOUR life and your kids' life? What will you feel when your daughter grows and marries an alcoholic guy? She is learning all of this is OK. And what if your sons become alcoholic as well? They are learning it is OK to treat a family in this way.
You are the only one who can break this circle of abuse and violence and I will be holding you in my prayers so you gain enough clarity and strength to choose something better for yourself and your kids.
((hugs))
What saddened me most is knowing a 7 year old girl is suffering migraines. Your job as a mom is to protect your kids and you are letting them be hurt with emotional and now physical scars. They do not deserve this, and nor do you.
When will it be enough? How much do your kids and you have to suffer until something changes?
"I have wanted to leave but don't think it is fair that i leave everything behind. i have 2 dogs and a cat."
"Leave everything behind"? what is more important, the house, stuff, pets, or the peace and joy you can have with your kids? and why wouldn't you be able to bring your pets with you?
I am sorry to hear your husband has this disease. However, please remember the 3 Cs
You did not cause his problem.
You never controlled his way of drinking.
You cannot cure him. No one else can cure him.
"he is the one with the problem, why must i suffer. "
You "must" nothing. You do not owe him anything, and you deserve the life you imagine for yourself.
I agree he has a very serious problem, a disease. But by being there for him, you are silently approving of everything he does.
Have you considered he will never change? The untreated disease is chronic and progressive. He will always be an alcoholic, if he does not seek recovery for himself, which may or may not happen in his lifetime. Progressive means - if you can be sure of ONE thing, is that he will drink more, and what you have mentioned is 'small' compared to what will happen in the future, jail, killing someone else because of reckless drunk driving, horrible illnesses you will have a front row seat to, violence towards you and the kids (in fact it seems you are already living this), the list goes on. It is sad, but day by day he is taking the choice to drink, instead of taking the choice to be healthy and present for his family. Ok. It is his life.
Now what with YOUR life and your kids' life? What will you feel when your daughter grows and marries an alcoholic guy? She is learning all of this is OK. And what if your sons become alcoholic as well? They are learning it is OK to treat a family in this way.
You are the only one who can break this circle of abuse and violence and I will be holding you in my prayers so you gain enough clarity and strength to choose something better for yourself and your kids.
((hugs))
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
