MissFixit

Hi.

I need a little advice.

In 3 weeks my exabf is getting married to the OW outside of my hometown. I try not to think about it and I do a pretty good job for a while. However, every night I dream about this situation. I have no idea how to stop that. I wake up feeling sad. The closest analogy I can think of is standing on a RR track and watching a train approaching. You need to get off the track, but you feel paralyzed. You just stare at the train as it comes closer.

I am terrified for some reason that I don't understand. My stomach is in nervous knots and I am having trouble eating. I don't know what is wrong.

Ideas?

Miss

MissFixit

Hey Anvilhead,

Thanks for your post.

What do you mean exactly? I feel a bit dense right now.

cmc

Emotions can be tricky for me sometimes, especially when they run counter to what I know is true. What helps me is to remind myself of that truth and work on getting myself into a better frame of mind. I get some bad dreams too at times, I had a whopper of a nightmare just last night.

I usually sleep like a baby but if I'm under alot of stress my dreams may reflect that. It's a win-win situation for me to keep watch on what thoughts I allow to rule in my mind. It doesn't guarantee that I'll have overnight success (no pun intended) in stopping nightmares- but it fits right into the part of the Serenity Prayer to change what I can.

TakingCharge999

My mom says dreams and nightmares are good as they release hidden anguish.
((MissFixIt)) I wish I had wise advice. I can only say, I hope you can see your emotions are telling you something about old thinking, perhaps magical thinking and you can take the chance to work on them... not fight them, use them! I know its much easier said than done. Are you consulting a counselor/therapist?

Freedom1990

That has been my personal experience! My most recurrent dream/nightmare has been finding myself homeless.

I had to look at the fear behind it, put it on paper, and ask myself how reasonable was that fear?

I've always struggled with financial security because of the choices I made during my active alcoholism/addictions, and I ended up being a single mother to two daughters.

Now that I've set some goals for myself, primarily finishing my degree in a field where jobs are always in demand, those dreams/nightmares have started to ease up.

josie25

I think you are probably struggling because you know that you have to let go of the final part of your dream of what you hoped may have happened if he had got clean and that she has got the man you wanted. The bit you have to remember is she's also got the stuff you couldn't cope with and she won't be able to either.
I just found out that my exabf has got engaged and then heard that he had gone on a bender and she didn't know how she was going to pay for the hand made engagement ring! She also asked his mum to ask me how I coped with him for four years, as he had been seriously verbally abusing and threatening her, her home and her family.
The pain and upset of hearing that they were engaged was balanced with the second bit of the reality of what she was trying to live with.
Do the memory tour of the tough parts of your relationship with him and let go of your "could have been" dreams and you may bring yourself round a bit. Take care

LaTeeDa

I believe that dreams, especially the unsettling ones, are my subconscious trying to tell me something. Or, perhaps more accurately, trying to move something into my consciousness. Sometimes it takes weeks or months for this to happen. Then one day, all of a sudden, it will hit me. So that's what that dream was about! Sometimes, it's more obvious and I can figure it out right away. It almost always has to do with some fear I have. Some dreams, I still haven't figured out, lol.

Here's what I do whenever I have a particularly unsettling dream. First, I write it down, or at least as much of it as I can remember. Then, after a day or two has passed, I read what I wrote and write my feelings, interpretations, or whatever comes to mind when I remember the dream. I might also meditate for a little while about it. Then, if I still don't know what it's trying to tell me, I let it go, knowing that when the time is right, more will be revealed.

L

MissFixit

Thank you all.

This past week I moved out of my apt and in with my father for a couple of weeks. I had a job lined up that fell through and after graduating 2 weeks ago. I am job hunting again.

I think that my fear of being alone, broke and homeless is making me nauseous. I love L, but I truly don't want to be married to an active A. I am not jealous of that part. I think it is the whole idea of having a family, stability and a loving home that is getting to me. I also know that he is not all of the sudden better, so he is unstable. I want love and stability. He can't provide that.

I will feel better when I am working and move into a new place. It is very strange to be in my old bedroom and have my clothes spread out everywhere in my room. I feel like I am in high school again. There are twin beds and the room is pink! My stepmother and I do not get along well, so this is a very temporary arrangement.

There are likely more emotional moments to come in the next few weeks, so I am just trying to keep steady when I see them approaching.

Thanks,

Miss

TakingCharge999

I hope you remember:

Active A's aren't in love as you might want to be.

He'll be the same eventually with the new woman too. Probably worse this time as he is progressing.

It is HIM, not you. He will do it again to her after she can't live up to his ideal image either. No one will be able to stay on his pedestal and put up with drinking/lying.

YOU told me these things before!! And btw they helped me a great deal.
Because they are not words just to make you feel good, they are true.

I hope you remember ALL the bad times you passed because of him, and him in ALL HIS WORST moments. He is not now, who you wish he were. The future wife is not getting your prince charming. She is getting an active AH in denial. Is that what YOU would want?

Didn't think so!! I hope you find great ways to treat yourself not only today but this whole weekend, week, upcoming months and all this year and future years and the rest of your life, because as anvil says: YOU DESERVE THE VERY BEST!!

Do not be fooled by temporary "down" feelings.... this will pass and soon you will be building a brand new life.

MissFixit

Thank you!