Letter to ABF
 

Tonight you said you would be home by 7 (again!). Your friend's wife called me at 8:30 to tell me she was feeding you before you left, then you could have your keys back. I told her you could stay there. You big, stupid jackass! Why does everyone have to save you from yourself?

So you came home at 10:00, making all kinds of noise, I was trying to fall asleep so I didn't have to talk to you. By this time I worked 9 hours, made and ate dinner (which YOU ruined), walked YOUR dog (I hope he pees on you while you're sleeping), painted my toenails, did the dishes (you lazy baztard), while YOU had the day off, cashed in your beer cans so you could get some gas money to drive to your loser friend's house to get some of his crappy weed, go back to your other loser friend's house and smoke that chaff, drink shytass Icehouse beer, and make an ass out of yourself.

So in you come, stinking like you licked the bar floor under the taps after closing, WAKE ME UP to ask for a cigarette (you must be slipping, buttwipe, didn't have enough cans to pay for cigarettes), and have the nerve to ask me what my problem is.

I hope you pick up a can of beer, and there is a cigarette butt in it and you swallow it, you big, stupid ass!:c032:

and then:???....

And why do you choose to stay in this situation?

You have free will and can have a perfectly good life without this in it. And you wouldn't have to write any more nasty letters.

Um, it's a vent
 

:wtf2

Why are you still with this guy? I know it's a vent.. but seriously.. why are you choosing this?

Hi Kerrys
Are you planning living like this for the rest of your life?
Do not take this as a judgement, its an honest question.
I think its cool you are venting and not keeping this inside...

I bet this isn't the first time you've written an imaginary letter to your A. The sad thing is it probably won't be the last until you hit your bottom and choose a better life for yourself.

:ghug

Sorry, but I thought that letter was funny as he11! Sure, you need to leave his stinky butt, but that was still a funny letter.

Well venting helps... so there is room for some discussion and perhaps something may sting, another perspective will be considered... hopefully.

Kerrys we are all rooting for YOU, please do not feel attacked. Its just that many of us KNOW THE SENSATION REALLY WELL and now that we are choosing healthier people around us, we cannot understand what was so appealing in the first place of a man that behaves that way (man? honestly he sounds like a kid.)

Oh my lands Kerrys, I laughed at your note! I laughed not because I think your situation is humorous but because it so shockingly resembles mine not too long ago.

It used to be that all I could do was live in this kind of venting and agitation. It was all I had to feel better. There are still times when it pops up, but I find myself laughing more at the absurdity of it all rather than feeling horrified.

I found it helpful to read back over my nasty-grams in my journal and use them to find where I can set boundaries for myself. I can't change my geographic location to something far, far, away from my ABF for a while, BUT I can change my boundaries and my focus (to my recovery) to make life far less rant worthy.

These kind of rants remind me of my cats when they have hairballs. They hack 'em up and get as far away as they can from them. I think they have the right idea.

Keep posting.

Alice

your letter made me chuckle a bit, since it could havee been one of my attempted letters. i did write similar letters to my aw to no avail.

finally rereading my own letters helped me break through my own denial and deal with insanity in a sane way.

I'm all for venting; we all need to let off steam at times. This, however, reads as more than mere venting. You are involved with a man you consider (1) a stupid jacka$$; 2) a lazy ba$tard, 3) an a$$ 4) a buttwipe, and; 5) a big, stupid ass.

So what are you planning to do with your rage at a person with the characteristics you have listed? Leave him? Throw him out? Get into counseling and/or Al-Anon to deal with your own rage? Sure, it's a vent ... but what are you getting out of this relationship? How's it working for you?

P.S. - If "everybody" has to save this loser from himself, does that include you? If it is, I'd suggest you figure out why you are wasting your time trying to do the impossible. We can only save ourselves. It is not possible to save anyone else from the choices they wish to make.

I see it as similar to the stages of grief, with anger being toward the beginning (I would have to google those stages but do so if you want, Kerrys).

It takes time to realize that what you THOUGHT was going to be the love-of-your-life relationship will never be, because one of the two parties isn't doing his part and probably never will. I know I had to go through a LOT of those nights, Kerrys, not to mention the embarrassment of the friends' wives dealing with my exAH too.

Sadly, I progress in those stages of grieving my failing marriage until I was about just as big of a mess as my exAH. Not with the boozing, but with the denial, the depression, and the extreme unhappiness and futility of it all. Looking back, I wish I had not let myself get pulled so low that I barely made it out. It took YEARS for me to feel healthy again from that lifetime spent with an alcoholic.

I hope you don't spend the years like I did, Kerrys. Your talent and sense of humor (seen in your quick witted writing) should be for YOU, not a wasted energy spent focused on someone who cares less for himself than you do. Try moving forward through that rage into the next stage of grieving your lost relationship. You sound like an incredibly funny and smart gal. Put the focus of those "smarts" onto YOU and what YOU want out of YOUR life. It's perfectly okay to start thinking about you and only you at this point. He certainly isn't thinking about anyone but himself, right?