Lilly Burn

Hi, I just wanted to say that I have found this site really valuable as a guest. Particularly the classic reading section. Ive had so many insights into a relationship I thought was unique. Im the wife of an Ah who left me 4 months agao, left everything and went to live in the west indies, quoting "I dont love you as a husband should love a wife", (having been horrible about me to anyone who would listen in the pub) and "people need me more than they need me" and "im an alcoholic and nothing is going to change"...Anyway, been a tough few months, he left his business, friends, gave all his clothes to charity (wouldnt need them in a hot country) and told me over the phone our marriage dwas over...I then didnt hear from him for 5 weeks. Ive never seen him, spoke because I had to arrange his stuff being moved out and have avoided all contact since. He has emailed and phoned, sometimes nice, sometimes not, always about how he cares still!!! That is kind of my introduction, I was a "provoker" enabler, always upset with his drinking, he went to AA for six months last year until June, then he went down hill very very badly, his behaviour towards me and everyone became very arrogant, very rude, not the person I married 7 years ago, although I was constantly reminded that he had told me he was an alcoholic when I met him andd of course, it was all about how my behaviour had to change. When I spoke to him after 5 weeks, I said " I didnt do anything" his response was "not recently"....so Im the bad guy, the reason he drank but hes gone to live on an island which we are both familiar with and which he said he would never go and live on (we discussed this possibility in the past because of family ties) because....there is nothing to do but drink..and everyone becomes alcoholics. That is where he has chosen to live....I think thats enough for now...I have learned a great deal from reading the posts here already and am on Al Anon and Getting them sober sites, but Im still learning and trying to overcome my own addiction to an addict. Thank you for listening. Lilly.

TakingCharge999

Lilly, welcome!!
I am glad you found SR!! I am sure others will be here to greet you shortly.

I am sorry you found yourself in this situation, but remember the 3Cs:

You did not cause his problem
You NEVER controlled it
You cannot cure it.

Let us know how you are doing, we care very much and welcome again!

FreeBird09

Lilly thanks for joining SR, this is a great place to be when you feel like you are going to implode, explode, or just have a total meltdown. Sorry to hear that your AH blames you for everything, and throws in the 'I told you so', as if he isn't at fault. Sounds like you know the in's and out's of what is going on. A LOT more people, with a LOT more experience will be along pretty soon. I am just 10 months out of the relationship (well I can't say that is totally so, as I do/did still have contact through the last 10 months, but I handle things differently) but I have learnt A LOT about myself through SR, and brought the focus off the A, and onto myself where it matters most, as we know.. we can't change them, but we can change ourselves and how we react.

Keep on posting.

Take care.

TakingCharge999

Its SO very typical of an AH to blame others.... from all the stories shared here, there has been no AH that DOESN'T blame others....

We are always amazed as how the AHs in our lives behave exactly the same way.

When an ex AH bf blamed me, I was angry at him, but even more angry at myself for believing him more than I believed my own experience and perspective! And I am still battling that, why do I think other opinions are more valid than MINE? They are not!!

The good news is that you can heal yourself, regardless of what anyone else on this planet thinks/does, and that is 100% in your hands!

Lilly Burn

Hi, thanks for responding so quickly to my post. Yes, thats what I meant when I said I thought I was living in a unique situation until I saw it mapped out in front of me. Sadly though, i still cry for the good bits, the hopes and dreams I had. I didnt marry until 43, my first marriage and for me it really was for life, so im grieving for the loss of my Ah and the loss of something else i suppose. Im also very angry because of the things I know now that I didnt, his betrayal, lack of loyalty, he told lots of people he was leaving me before he went away and chose to tell me by phone. He had left me at least 12 times during our marriage, seriously left me but always came back, always me that had to change..but i was always determined to make our marriage work, i did love him and put up with all sorts of behaviour and still loved him. thats what i have to get my head around, the lack of respect he had for me, when it should have been the other way round, considering how many people he upset, how irresponsible and very cruel he could be....Thank you again for your kind posts so far.

FunnyOne

Lilly,
My sentiments exactly only after 25 years. Besides this board, the best book I ever read was called Emotional Blackmail. It describes our abuse in perfectly clear terms and after you read it, you will recognize how calculating he was in his treatment of you. It helps me sever the chains and ties to the love of my life.
Cyber hug,
Margaret

GiveLove

((( Lilly Burn )))

I'm so sorry you've been through so much pain.

It can get better, though, it truly can. Have you read the post "How you doin'?" by bookwyrm? These are all people who have suffered tremendously, and they are carefully, tenderly putting their lives back together so they can be happy again.

I'm glad you're here

NYC_Chick

Hi and Welcome Lilly!

Sorry you are having a difficult time. You are not alone and we have all been there at some point.

On everything being your fault...it's not. I know in my relationship with xabf, he told me all the time what was wrong with me. I did make mistakes, but to me, the lies, deception and manipulation trump anything I could have done. Now it no longer matters to me what he thinks or how he feels. You will get to that point to, but in the meantime, don't keep turning things over in your head. I know it's hard, but the truth is he did what he did because he wanted to and there is nothing you could have done about it.

Keep reading an posting! It really helps!

Still Waters

Welcome Lilly! Just a thought, but have you considered going no contact? Is it necessary for you to speak with him about business or money? If not, you probably don't need to be told how bad you are over and over - it certainly isn't true and definitely isn't helpful.

Lilly Burn

Hi, sorry Im confusing people here..I have gone no contact, Ive been very strong about that, I cant bear to be in touch, I dont want his platitudes and lies. Its all the things that I now understand, things Ive found out, particularly from his very helpful ex partner who informed me of all sorts of things after he left.....her chance to get back at me after years. Also, how he went on about me at the pub, increasingly demonising me, heinvited people on holiday with him, when they knew he wasnt taking me, offering to pay, because he wanted "fun". How rude he was to people, how he was always asking people to buy him drinks, outright lies about me to people, oh it goes on. Anyway, we spoke on the phone in order to arrange to get his stuff,I never mentioned anything about what Id learned at that stage. Ive since had emails, silent phone calls, nasty messages, hes even emailed my sister but its all bluff, just to ease his conscience "he hasnt stopped caring", ha, he only cares about himself and just wants to come across as the good guy. He has had no response to any of the messages..i will have to one day when Im strong, talk to him re some financial stuff but not for a year or so, Ive got time... Thank you again for posting. Im glad Ive registered here.