FunnyOne

Hi,
I have been to two different chapters for two or three meetings each. I get frustrated that the first 15 minutes is spent reading the steps and the traditions and then people get up and tell their story...that's it. On this board, people challenge, support and sometimes give a swift cyberkick when you need to get kicked. But in these meetings, nobody says a thing. For instance, one woman was complaining that her husband raided the checking account for drugs for the third time. I felt like screaming "Get a new checking account that he doesn't have access to!" but, nobody said a word except "thanks for sharing." Well, I can turn on the soaps to hear sob stories and not even have to leave my house. Am I just finding bad meetings?

Mambo Queen

I know what you mean. I've been resistant to making time for Al-Anon meetings myself, and I think the biggest reason is because whenever I went to meetings in the past, I didn't necessarily find them all that helpful, for the reasons you described. But I'm starting to think that it should be one piece of the puzzle, so I can begin to work the steps, and I can keep coming here and to a therapist for more of a "butt-kicking" as you say.

GiveLove

All meetings are different. I wouldn't call the ones you describe "bad," just that they don't work for you. Everyone's needs are different. Not everyone's after a good swift kick. Some folks just aren't there yet.

Lots of folks here have been finding good support through a mix of things: An al-anon meeting with a flavor that fits their needs, and/or this place, and/or working the steps privately, and/or individual counseling to develop a personal plan to move forward.

Good luck!

gowest

In my opinion the point of the meetings is not to turn to the person next to you and give them a kick in the pants or tell them they are making bad choices.

I think other peoples shares are supposed to serve as examples and reminders of what not to do and what to do in one's own life.

I look at it this way: that YOU listen and think "wow they are being - insert word of choice -" and when YOU see situations that are similar arise in YOUR life YOU think to YOURSELF that YOU will not make the same - insert word of choice - mistakes as so and so from the the Alanon meeting as YOU'VE seen how bad the outcome was for her/him.

I also have witnessed people share about how they have evolved, how they are struggling still with certain issues and how they had a slip back to old habits. Reminding us all that it is a process and a journey that is not always linear.

The whole idea is to learn positive and negative by example but make YOUR OWN choices for YOUR OWN life.

miss communicat

I can relate to your frustration and desire to give some constructive feedback.

being a codependent, for me, means that these feelings often arise, in a variety of situations. I feel that I have the answer to another person's problems and I also feel like I can run a group much more effectively than whoever else is doing it at the time.

I never really understood how frequently the common denominator in my frustrations was: ME! until I stuck around in AlAnon for longer than was initially comfortable or even satisfying.

But i'm glad I did. Today I am a bit more comfortable, patient and less frustrated and these are priceless gifts of the 12 step program.

Try another few AlAnon meetings. You deserve a good support system.

Bernadette

I agree with Miss C! Sitting in an Alanon meeting and thinking I know what other people need is the living experience of what it is in myself I need to look at most closely and free myself from!

Tough stuff. But I found Alanon works if you work it- as uncomfortable as it felt at times, it shook up my thinking and got me out of my knee-jerk codependent and enabling reactions to people around me. But it took quite a bit of time just "following directions" and trusting that AlAnon had something to teach me if I was serious and paying attention.

I guess I'd say keep trying meetings-- take what you can use and leave the rest - and defintiely SR is great for its back-and-forth and clarity...wherever you can find the help you're seeking go with it!!! One-on-one therapy helped me a lot too & lots of reading.

good luck funnyone-
b

FunnyOne

Good points, that problem solving thing of mine! Here is the rub, I can always see the solution in someone elses life, but never in my own. It is I that needs the kick in the pants! So if I share my co kick away.

I have trouble understanding why we can take what we want and leave the rest....actually, how the A can take what they want and leave the rest too, because I think it is really easy to take the fluffy stuff and then leave the hard stuff that I need to be doing. Can anyone enlighten me?

Bernadette

Well I can only tell you from experience that I just had to get serious. If I was able to recognize that I was going easy on myself and not doing the hard work of changing then I put some discipline towards doing the hard work...because nothing changes if nothing changes and I have to accept that the only thing I can change, ever, in this world is ME.

I also, like most people who love alcoholics, had to accept that stuff takes time. Even if I could suddenly see the new path so clearly, it can't be raced down, checked off the list, Ok now I'm better!!

True change in myself is an active daily process that involves being in the moment, keeping my side of the street clean and leaving others to do as they will on their side, and making sure I am motivated by my desire to become a better person and NOt by any expectation of getting others around me to change...

Good questions funnyone- I'm curious to read other responses--
peace-
b

spiritedgrl123

So much ESH here in this post, different points of view that all make great sense. So many different ways to see the big picture.
Me being a Codie, I struggle with wanting to "help" or "fix" people when they are having a bad time, or struggling. Sometimes it is HARD to sit in F2F meetings and not say anything, BUT I have not been to a meeting yet where something hasn't been said TO ME

It truly does work if you work it...but for me that means working all the steps...including f2f meetings.

your friend in recovery
spirit

miss communicat

With all due respect to those who believe that it is helpful to take what you like and to leave the rest, I feel differently about that. I feel that makes sense at, say, a buffet dinner. Or, at a store, shopping for a new dresss or shoes.

The problem with deciding to take what you like and dismissing what you dont, as it applies to emotional and spiritual recovery, and early recovery especially, is that it implies that its okay to use the same mind that got you into the condition you are already in. Often times, that condition is one of a 100 forms of denial. Minimising our pain, awfulising our situation, etc.

When i got sober in AA and i ever heard someone say to take what I like and leave the rest, I reframed it internally to: take what I don't like too and sit with it for 3 days. Listen for my part in this problem.

So, its just my opinion that, in order to discern clearly what is best for us, we must know ourselves very very clearly and have a healthy sense of perception. That takes lots of open mindedness and listening and exploration.

ICant

Al Anon is a slow recovery process. It took me 36 years to get to where I am so I think that is why Al-Anon recommends going to at least 6 meetings. Hopefully by that time some sort of spiritual awakening can happen, some insight, some glimmer of understanding occurs.

Pelican

Great thread with insightful answers already.

In my limited experience with Alanon, I have learned to take comfort from the readings at the beginning. Especially if I rushed to get to the meeting. I can take a few deep breaths and focus on the serenity and sanity the words will offer if I can commit to them.

The polite "thanks for sharing" responses really threw me at my first meeting. I thought it was robotic and programmed, and I tend to color outside the lines! Now I can appreciate the opportunity to share my feelings about a reading and know that I will be thanked for sharing my honesty and no one will interupt me, cut me off mid-sentence or challenge my thoughts when I have finished. I began to embrace that as a blessing after spending time with an active alcoholic! An opportunity to express myself and not have my feelings twisted into another reason for some one to have another drink.

I have also been to a group with members that are at least 20 years older than I am, and they do cross-talk (respond directly) to someone after they share occassionally. But it is always offered with loving kindness and appreciated because of the wisdom shared.

I am learning to control my need to fix others and just be available to let them reflect outloud their private concerns. It's a work in progress!

blessed4x

Me too, Pelican! I am an introvert by nature, and stepping out and sharing things that several months ago would have made me feel so shamed has been an opportunity for growth for me. I feel loved and respected and safe at my meetings. I have never felt so close to a group of people whom I don't even have last names for.

And occasionally I even get a swift kick, but usually after the meeting. Just last week our topic was anger and I shared about how my STBXAH has his 30 days of sobriety, but not much else has changed in the attitude department and my anger related to that. A member (who is also a recovering A), after the meeting, respectfully reminded me that his alcoholic brain didn't get in the shape it is in a month, and won't fully recover that quick either. I needed that reminder. I heard it and took it to heart. It doesn't mean I will change my plans to divorce him, but I can move forward with a little more compassion for what he is going through.

I know Alanon isn't for everyone, but for me it has been a godsend and a tool I am using along with SR and individual counseling with a counselor very well versed in co-dependency and addictions.

itiswhatitis...

i think, for me - alanon was what has saved my life and my sanity - my way wasn't working and i was willing to try anything to get healthy - i was sooo tired of trying to be in charge of everyone - to tell everyone what to do and *know* (she says sarcastically) that if they did what i told them to do it would be ok - blech - how wonderful it's been to realize i have absolutely NO control over the people, places and things in my life and that's a good thing - oterh's people live's are none of my business...

that said i think beginner's meetings in alanon are really good - they explain the dynamics of alanon and you can understand why and how it works - the reading of the steps and traditions at every meeting reinforce why the program works *if you work it* - it takes work to get better -to get healthy but if you hang in there and look at yourself and try to be the best you you can be - it's worth it - *no one said life was easy - just worth it* - it really is...

godspeed,
s

Startingover2

I have been to a few meetings. I found it frustrating and comforting at the same time. I think I went in there thinking I would get answers to my problems with my exah. That someone would tell me what to do as I had no idea myself. So, when we went through the steps that was the comforting part...then I sat and waited for what I thought would be the discussion. Sure people kind of gave updates, but there was no concrete advice that I thought would happen. Then I realized that may not be what Alanon was. My ex MIL went to Alanon for 30 years! She said through Alanon she learned to live with an active A. I am not in that same boat. Mine is gone and I am trying to deal with the anger and pain. I think I could still get something out of Alanon now if I gave it a chance.