spiritedgrl123

For some reason this week, that I can't wrap myself around, I am feeling quite "off". Almost like I can see myself in this huge lake, and I am swinging my arms, kicking my legs and fighting with everything I have JUST TO KEEP AFLOAT, and I am getting so worn out, and just don't feel like fighting it anymore.

I'm reading A LOT everyday, from several Al Anon books, I'm going to my f2F meetings, I'm posting, journaling......using every tool that I can think of at my disposal and in the blink of an eye it seems I can be right back to wondering WHY and HOW EXABF could possibly behave the way he has. I can go right back to struggling with not wanting to hate him or be angry with him, but it is soooooo hard sometimes and I can go from that to remembering last year this time and how UNBELIEVABLY HAPPY we were. IF he was sooo happy-HOW could he just toss it all away and walk away like that? I had thought he was the one, I was done dating, done looking and my life was complete. Now I have to go back to sqaure one in the dating world and I keep going back to square one in my recovery it seems.

I'm frustrated today, at myself for not being able to figure out WHY I just can't get him out of my head this week, and for not being solid enough in my program that I'm letting him get to me still-WHEN he isn't even around anymore...

thanks for letting me share
spirit

GiveLove

Hi spirited,

These are natural feelings that you're not going to be able to vanquish in just a few weeks. But if I could, I would wave a wand and make them all leave you alone forever. You know they're pointless questions - why does anyone do what they do? Why does any once-good relationship ever break up? -- the question is how you can stop them from ruining your day.

I got a lot of good help (in addition to all the great things you're already doing) by scheduling a few sessions with a counselor. I don't remember if you've tried that already? He helped me see things in a fresh new way that broke the impasse in my head.

GL

TakingCharge999

spirited!

Ugghhh, I know how it's like to feel like that

I agree with GL, an individual therapist can help you take the most out of the strong feelings you are experiencing now. I mean, they all serve a purpose, right? And if you want to have a chance to have a healthier relationship, you need to work them. Those feelings are the material you will use to forge your new self, so stop fighting them (its no use anyway as you have noticed already)

My therapist told me it was not F. the root of all my problems, lol, but it was about past hurts. So now I am on my Nth try to forgive my father for leaving me at age 3. The therapist says when I finally achieve that, F, or any other more recent hurts will be easy to handle! (I really hope she is right!)

So its the best use of your time and $$ to find a therapist, if it were for me everybody would go to one... lol...

Another piece of advice is to start yoga, perhaps take a class or buy a beginner's DVD. Sometimes I start yoga not really in the mood to do it, with my mind busy, and I do not think its working until suddenly its the end of the session and I feel more rested and relaxed. Yoga helps you take a break from that voice in your head!

Also, perhaps taking an artistic endeavour (sp?). I started taking theater lessons, am on a quest to find the saddest song ever for piano (and taking little steps to buy a keyboard soon), I watch videos and pictures to find the ones closest to the grief and frustration I feel... I am painting a whole set of pictures... perhaps there is something you have not tried before and can help you go through these times.

I love it that, in the artistic world, the intensity of feelings is valued, it makes you richer.

When you accomplish a "masterpiece" you know you already completed something that was not there before, or you did not consider possible for you .. but its THERE, its real and YOU made it, so it also works on a subconscious level. Bringing something new to life is therapeutic.

All the best, you are doing well!
Sandra

bluejay6

Gosh, spirited, some of us (me) have taken a VERY long time to wash up on shore.

When my exrabf disappeared 2 1/2 years ago (we had the same connection you describe with yours, I had the same feelings you describe), I was, quite literally, nauseous for well over a year, every day. The second year, a few times a week. Now into the third year, maybe once a month.

The water imagery you describe is on target, for me, because I have felt so sea sick from the shock.

Although intense counseling, books, and Al-anon helped me through this, it was SR that really gave me what I needed to turn a corner. I needed to hear detailed, specific stories of addict behavior, codependent behavior, outcomes, setbacks, catastrophes.....I needed that stage play to be played out for me every day (here) until I could finally incorporate real wisdom about addiction and addictive relationship into my core.

Here I am, after nearly three years of finding my land legs, and still not quite there. Not quite.

The water imagery is, again, so appropriate. In Greek mythology, Neptune is the god of the sea and the god of ILLUSION. He is the god who took Odysseus off course, sending him into the lairs of monsters (Cyclops), drugs (Lotus Eaters) and sex (the nymphos).

He was lost at sea, in a land of illusion. And so was I. And it made me very sick. And it is taking me a long, long time (as it did Odysseus) to find my way back home.

So....just letting you know, you are not alone. And ours is not a new story.

TakingCharge999

Having gone through deaths of family members, I would humbly add that the grief I have felt for the addicted person I loved (and probably still love, despite everything that happened) is way more complicated and destructive than the grief I have felt for someone who died. I do not like how this sounds, but letting go of anyone else after letting go an addicted person seems easy to do now.

It is tough to be at peace, without a sense of finality, without understanding their acts even at a basic level. There is no sense at all in what they do, and its tough to come to terms with the fact that you will never "understand" their rationale, at least as you have "understood" other people. Its just madness.

At least, for the ones who passed away, I believe they are in a much better place now. Not the case with an addicted person. It is a tough one, probably one of the most difficult things a human can achieve (I talk about what has been my life so far)... it truly is an exercise on faith.