javalvr

I am struggling with my feelings toward AH. I asked him to leave, so he went to a relative’s house. After a severe binge the relative took him to a rehab center. AH has called now that he is in an outpatient program. He says he will do anything to get his family back. I told him not to worry about that right now, concentrate on getting himself on the track to wellness. Problem is I don’t feel like trying to “work it out”. Since he has left I have felt good, haven’t dreaded coming home from work or the time after the kids are in bed when the drama would usually start. It has been nice having some control back in my life, some peace and quiet. Is it wrong for me not to want to try to work on our marriage? I had become disgusted with him and even found him pathetic at times. I think that I had fallen out of love with him and really would like to move on with my life. I am so tired of drama and being in limbo about the future. I just want to enjoy life with the kids. Is that so bad? I am supportive of his attempt to get sober, for his sake and the kids. But I think I could almost care less about “us” anymore. Does love really go away like that? Or am I just tired.

sailorjohn

welcome!!!

Lots of good reading in the stickies-posts on the top of this forum above the bar.
Can't answer any of your questions for you, hopefully you can gain enough insight from the stuff you read here and elsewhere to answer them yourself.

Keep coming back, you'll find a lot of support here.

Freedom1990

Sometimes the damage done is just too great to repair. There is nothing wrong with you wanting a better life, and experiencing it already without the chaos of an active alcoholic in the home.

Do what you need to do for yourself and those children. :ghug :ghug

cmc

Welcome to SR and the Friends & Family of Alcoholics forum.

It's such a relief to get a bit of a break and have some time to live without all that drama and stress. Like SailorJohn said- take a look at our resources and I'm sure you'll see that there's plenty of hope for those of us who are friends and family members of alcholics.
It's nice to meet you.

GiveLove

Hi javalvr,

What Freedom said.

And this did NOT happen overnight. Don't beat yourself about the head about that.

By the time my last (and hopefully LAST) relationship with an A ended, I had gone through years of suffering, and simply could not bring myself to try again. It wasn't right, and I knew that in every cell of my body.

Your body is telling you the truth - listen to it. And it may change in time....but for now, listen to it. These gut feelings are sometimes the only way our true selves have of communicating with us, and so often we ignore them.

Read the stickies at the top of the forum and get a good view of your situation from all angles. It will help you to feel stronger in your decision, whatever your decision might be!

Glad you're here with us

GL

ItsmeAlice

Welcome!!

You will find a wealth of support and experiences to draw from here. I'm finding the answers that I have, which are so very similar to your own, lie within me. With working through my recovery slowly but surely those answers are emerging.

The answers to your questions are within you. Take care of yourself and your children. Take each day as it comes and the answers will emerge.

Peace

Alice

want2bfreenow

Hi Javalvr and welcome! I don't have any advice because I am struggling with the exact same thing right now. I just wanted to say good luck to you and I agree with the others - don't beat yourself up over it. You have a right to do what is right for you and your children. I'm going to take that advice as well!

Barbara52

You don't have to make any decisions at this point about whether to work on the marriage or not. You can let things be until you know whether you want to do so or not. It could be the love and marriage is dead. It could be you feeling temporarily numbed by everything that went before. Time will give you the answer.

I know that when I left now xAH, my marriage had died, my love for him had been killed long before I actually walked out. Leaving and divorcing was the best thing I could ahve done for me and for my son who still lives with me.

kwigers

The great thing about sharing your thoughts, is that he is in a place where he can get support.
There is nothing wrong with you feeling what ever you feel today. There is not a right way and a wrong way...
Much love and light to you!~Cheryl

Seren

I'm glad you are enjoying a chaos free home! And I'm glad that your AS is in recovery!

There is really no need to make an immediate decision. Perhaps the decision for now is, "Once you are out of outpatient, you cannot live with me....I need to concentrate on my life and the children's lives". No implications of future actions, no statements of final decisions.

Hugs, HG

javalvr

Thanks for everyone's support and encouragement. Sometimes it helps to vent a bit. I am writing alot of my feelilngs down and will give mail it to him. That will avoid some of the emotion on the phone and I can say it better. I am working on making a pros/con list of the situation, often I find this helps me orgainze my thoughts.

Once again thanks for everyone sharing their thoughts.

LaTeeDa

My advice would be to take it slow. You don't have to decide right now, you don't have to give him the letter. Writing it will be good for you to sort out your feelings, but you may want to just hold on to it for a while.

Saying he'll do anything to get his family back is not the same as saying he wants recovery more than anything. If his motivation is outside himself, there is a high probability that it won't stick.

Give it time and watch his actions. The decision may very well make itself for you. You can simply say you are not ready to make a decision until some time passes. The amount of time you need is up to you, not him.

L