Asking for advice from the "other side"..
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 270
Asking for advice from the "other side"..
Hi there - I'm not sure if I should be posting in here as I am an A rather than the partner of an A, but I'd like to ask some questions from the perspective of the other half. Here's a very quick summary...
I have been a highly functional A for 8-9 years now. I don't do drugs and I haven't smoked a cigarette in over 3 years so beer is my only vice. I started seeing my fiancee about 2.5 years ago. I've always drunk a fair bit of alcohol around her - and she has never been bothered by it (really truly). I even suggested I may have been an A a few times (from about the time I started to realise it) and she kept telling me I wasn't.
I finally convcinced her that I am one when I went to see an addiction specialist (doctor and a psychotherapist rolled in to one). He has helped me get off the alcohol for a bit over a month now which is good news - and she is being very supportive. The bad news is that I am grumpy a lot of the time now. I never feel like I've slept enough so I am not that pleasant to be around.
I'm committed to quitting, and my doctor has told me that it's normal to be a bit moody for a few months after stopping. He is helping me work through it with therapy. My fiancee is a very patient and tolerant woman and I know she'll always be there for me, but that doesn't stop me feeling bad about her having to live with someone who is grumpy a lot of the time.
What I want to know is - have any of you been in this situation with your A partner? What would you have liked them to do to make you feel better about it all? Is there any advice you can give me on what to tell her (or what not to tell her)? Are there things that your recovering partner did that infuriated you that I could try to avoid doing?
Thank you
I have been a highly functional A for 8-9 years now. I don't do drugs and I haven't smoked a cigarette in over 3 years so beer is my only vice. I started seeing my fiancee about 2.5 years ago. I've always drunk a fair bit of alcohol around her - and she has never been bothered by it (really truly). I even suggested I may have been an A a few times (from about the time I started to realise it) and she kept telling me I wasn't.
I finally convcinced her that I am one when I went to see an addiction specialist (doctor and a psychotherapist rolled in to one). He has helped me get off the alcohol for a bit over a month now which is good news - and she is being very supportive. The bad news is that I am grumpy a lot of the time now. I never feel like I've slept enough so I am not that pleasant to be around.
I'm committed to quitting, and my doctor has told me that it's normal to be a bit moody for a few months after stopping. He is helping me work through it with therapy. My fiancee is a very patient and tolerant woman and I know she'll always be there for me, but that doesn't stop me feeling bad about her having to live with someone who is grumpy a lot of the time.
What I want to know is - have any of you been in this situation with your A partner? What would you have liked them to do to make you feel better about it all? Is there any advice you can give me on what to tell her (or what not to tell her)? Are there things that your recovering partner did that infuriated you that I could try to avoid doing?
Thank you
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Congratulations on your 30+ days!!!! That is fantastic news!
It is very commendable of you to want to help your fiance, and I'm not sure how to advise you. Most folks in the F and F side will tell you that your recovery has to be her priority, and her recovery has to be her's.
Does your fiance attend Al-Anon meetings? Has she begun to educate herself on the disease of addiction? Both of these things will help her learn the three Cs: She did not Cause your addiction, she can't Control your addiction/behavior, and she cannot Cure you. It will also help her to put boundaries in place for her own well being when it comes to what she will or will not accept as behavior on your part (I'm not trying to be harsh here, just letting you know what we the F and F need for our own sanity).
Again, a huge congratulations on your sober time so far!!! Best of luck to you as you continue on your path in recovery! Hugs, HG
It is very commendable of you to want to help your fiance, and I'm not sure how to advise you. Most folks in the F and F side will tell you that your recovery has to be her priority, and her recovery has to be her's.
Does your fiance attend Al-Anon meetings? Has she begun to educate herself on the disease of addiction? Both of these things will help her learn the three Cs: She did not Cause your addiction, she can't Control your addiction/behavior, and she cannot Cure you. It will also help her to put boundaries in place for her own well being when it comes to what she will or will not accept as behavior on your part (I'm not trying to be harsh here, just letting you know what we the F and F need for our own sanity).
Again, a huge congratulations on your sober time so far!!! Best of luck to you as you continue on your path in recovery! Hugs, HG
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: Australia
Posts: 270
Thanks for your reply and the congrats.
I don't attend AA and she doesn't attend Al Anon. I never even knew Al Anon existed! I'll ask if she wants to go to that. I disagree with some of the ideas from AA, do they teach that stuff at Al Anon too? The web site shows the steps but I'm not sure how much detail they go in to.
The same goes for addiction education. Neither of us have read much about it. I have 2 books that I should read - I'm not much of a book person though so I haven't got around to it yet. I'll offer those to her to read too.
I don't mind if she sets boundaries for my behaviour if that helps. I've never really done anything crazy while drunk to need them set before. If it makes her feel better that's a good thing though.
Thanks for your suggestions - I will see what she thinks.
I don't attend AA and she doesn't attend Al Anon. I never even knew Al Anon existed! I'll ask if she wants to go to that. I disagree with some of the ideas from AA, do they teach that stuff at Al Anon too? The web site shows the steps but I'm not sure how much detail they go in to.
The same goes for addiction education. Neither of us have read much about it. I have 2 books that I should read - I'm not much of a book person though so I haven't got around to it yet. I'll offer those to her to read too.
I don't mind if she sets boundaries for my behaviour if that helps. I've never really done anything crazy while drunk to need them set before. If it makes her feel better that's a good thing though.
Thanks for your suggestions - I will see what she thinks.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: Wizard Land Downunder
Posts: 2,615
Congrats on your decision and your 30 days. Yes I know all about the grumpies, and the being tired out. My Abf has been thru those so many times that I had it down to a fine art. I could work out that it would begin 40 hours after his last beer, and go on for the next 3 days, followed by 2 more days of silence and a lot of sleep. At first I didn't know what was happening, was upset, angry, afraid to breath even, but after a few times I got to accept that it was part of the process. Not pleasant, but not MY fault.
It will get better for you, and as long as your fiancee is given the reason for your moods and tiredness I am sure she will be understanding and supportive.
It will take time for your body to re-adjust to no alcohol, and you need to eat well, stay hydrated and try to keep as fit and healthy as you can. Vitamin B can help also.
Read some of the posts and stickies here and on the recovery forums as they will give you both some ideas of problems you may have, and help with solutions.
I wish you both all the best
It will get better for you, and as long as your fiancee is given the reason for your moods and tiredness I am sure she will be understanding and supportive.
It will take time for your body to re-adjust to no alcohol, and you need to eat well, stay hydrated and try to keep as fit and healthy as you can. Vitamin B can help also.
Read some of the posts and stickies here and on the recovery forums as they will give you both some ideas of problems you may have, and help with solutions.
I wish you both all the best
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Slimjim, congratulations on your 30 days. I'm especially impressed that you chose sobriety -- and chose to get professional help getting there -- even when the closest person to you was telling you that you didn't have a problem. Wow.
I have been through some attempts at sobriety with an A, and I can tell you that the times that went best were when everything was out in the open. Open communication, a sense of humor, education about addiction and wishdrawal, and efforts on both parts to do whatever it took to get through the hard parts were key.
What are you doing physically to get over the grumpies? Are you finding other things to take out your irritation/frustration on? Or is she bearing the weight of it? This is a question that popped up in my mind - do you feel you have the right to act any way you wish around her (the "hey, I'm sober, isn't that good enough" defense) or are you maintaining civilized boundaries of behavior?
In many stories here, an A will not attempt to control their bad moods when attempting sobriety, will not try to level out those moods with exercise, diet, help getting better sleep, etc. (sometimes because they feel they shouldn't have to) and that creates problems. There are a number of other forums here on SR that offer help and support in all of those areas that will speed your return to normal. Good sleep, especially, may help you to become level again.
And -- struggling to put this delicately -- sometimes an A has used alcohol for many years to mask the fact that they are just an angry, unhappy person at heart. Peel away the alcohol, and we are sometimes left with someone who is just not healthy to be around. Not saying this is true for you - just sharing some of the problems that are often discussed here.
I wish you all the luck in the world with your recovery ---- not for your fiancee's sake, but for yours. You only get one life to live, and I'm always happy when someone makes the hard decision to free themselves from the bondage of addiction.
Hugs,
GL
I have been through some attempts at sobriety with an A, and I can tell you that the times that went best were when everything was out in the open. Open communication, a sense of humor, education about addiction and wishdrawal, and efforts on both parts to do whatever it took to get through the hard parts were key.
What are you doing physically to get over the grumpies? Are you finding other things to take out your irritation/frustration on? Or is she bearing the weight of it? This is a question that popped up in my mind - do you feel you have the right to act any way you wish around her (the "hey, I'm sober, isn't that good enough" defense) or are you maintaining civilized boundaries of behavior?
In many stories here, an A will not attempt to control their bad moods when attempting sobriety, will not try to level out those moods with exercise, diet, help getting better sleep, etc. (sometimes because they feel they shouldn't have to) and that creates problems. There are a number of other forums here on SR that offer help and support in all of those areas that will speed your return to normal. Good sleep, especially, may help you to become level again.
And -- struggling to put this delicately -- sometimes an A has used alcohol for many years to mask the fact that they are just an angry, unhappy person at heart. Peel away the alcohol, and we are sometimes left with someone who is just not healthy to be around. Not saying this is true for you - just sharing some of the problems that are often discussed here.
I wish you all the luck in the world with your recovery ---- not for your fiancee's sake, but for yours. You only get one life to live, and I'm always happy when someone makes the hard decision to free themselves from the bondage of addiction.
Hugs,
GL
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Well, AA and Al-Anon are not for everyone. Al-Anon does go through a similar 12 steps, and the higher power of your understanding part is not for everyone. If that seems offensive to you, then there are secular recovery programs that I believe can be quite helpful.
There is even a secular forum on this recovery site that you might want to check out.
Keep reading and learning! We are glad you are here, and wish you the best of luck!!!
Hugs, HG
There is even a secular forum on this recovery site that you might want to check out.
Keep reading and learning! We are glad you are here, and wish you the best of luck!!!
Hugs, HG
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: Australia
Posts: 167
You can always go to a 12 step program, take what you liked and leave the rest. There is a regular who goes to my home group Al-Anon meeting and isn't taking on board the higher power but is still learning from the meetings.
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Join Date: Aug 2002
Location: In my little piece of heaven
Posts: 2,870
You might find some good support on some of the other forums here as well, from others who have walked your path. If AA isn't your thing, check out our Secular Recovery Forum.
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Join Date: May 2006
Location: UK
Posts: 1,149
Originally Posted by slimjim30 
What I want to know is - have any of you been in this situation with your A partner? What would you have liked them to do to make you feel better about it all? Is there any advice you can give me on what to tell her (or what not to tell her)? Are there things that your recovering partner did that infuriated you that I could try to avoid doing?
Thank you
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