Emotional Abuse Article, "From the Abuser's Point of View"
...not falling down them
Join Date: Mar 2012
Posts: 1,200
Originally Posted by Chrysalis123 
This is from the website You are NOT a Victim, REALLY
From the Abuser's Point of View
I should avoid emotional closeness, because it leaves me vulnerable and open to hurt. I will adopt an attitude of aloofness and indifference to keep my partner from getting a piece of me. Besides, if I let my partner get into my head, I will be under her rule and will be smothered. I will lose myself. To prevent this, I will subconsciously and consciously distance myself from my partner to keep her from overtaking me, while giving her fleeting moments of tenderness to keep her near me.
Here’s how I’ll go about it.
I will put off her requests for closeness, for talks and for time alone together. I will interrupt her and dismiss her opinions. I will show little interest when she wants to share an insight or a story from her day, and I will not share mine. When she hears me share something with someone else and asks. “Why didn’t you tell me that? I will say.” Or “I didn’t think you’d be interested” or “I forgot.” I will scoff at her interests as well as her choices and habits. Also, I will make sure I don’t miss a chance to point out with a tone of superiority and rightness-- how opposite or different her choices and habits are from mine. This helps prove that any attempts at working on our relationship will likely fail, since we are so different and thereby gives me more reason to distance myself.
I will spend my time at home on house projects, watching TV, reading magazines or playing with the kids anything and everything to leave no time for us to have a private moment. I will stay up each night later than her to avoid any closeness when we go to bed, then tell her she needs too much sleep. If I want to have sex, I will wake her from her sleep and began touching her, knowing she’ll respond because I’ve minimized affection and she’s craving any intimacy I’ll offer. When I am not at home avoiding her, I will pursue activities outside the home and not include her or forget to tell her about my activities until the day of the event, thereby leaving little possibility that she can attend with me.
To keep her within arm’s reach, I will occasionally throw out a “we should do X.” I may even really mean to do something with her, but I won’t ever make it a priority so that other things I have to do will always come first... I will leave my schedule open to attend whatever event I want, work on any project I want, or go out with friends (without considering that I should find a sitter because I know she’ll be home). But I will raise a fuss when she decides to take a night off from the house and the kids without getting my OK. After all, she always checks with me to see if I’ll be home, so if she doesn’t check, she must be punishing me, and I will call her on it. I will evade suggestion from her for a night out together or will commit to a night out grudgingly and without any sign of enthusiasm. When she stops initiating dates for us and then later complains about our lack of fun time, I will (with irritation in my tone) remind
her that she needs to initiate it I can’t always be the one initiating.
If she asks that we have a talk, I will put on my game face of mild irritation at her demand that I share. I
will let her run the talk, not offering much input and not validating her opinions. If she pushes ANY buttons or requests any changes in my behavior, I will unleash my rage and feel it is my entitlement to cut her, criticize, accuse her of riding me and then leave the room or the house, so that she can’t continue talking to me. Her talking is just a cover to get a chance to bitch at me anyway. When she sets up a session with a counselor, I will go so that no one can place blame on me for not going. Then I will tell the counselor that the reasons we have problems is that we are very different people so we can’t communicate with each other.
Once in a while, I will throw her a crumb and share a thought or a hug with her. Or, at the spur of the moment, I will decide -- without asking her first -- to take her out to dinner so that she can’t say to her friends or my family. He NEVER spends time alone with me. I will subvert any attempts from her to talk about us spending more time together during these rare occasions when I do spend a night with her.
I will show disgust at her lack of confidence and insecurities. Then I will bring up her tender spots (insecurities) whenever it helps me gain the upper hand or control in an uncomfortable situation. That way, the focus of whatever comes up is shifted away from me and onto her unreasonable insecurities.
When she reacts to any of this with anger or other high emotions (yelling, getting hysterical, crying, bawling, or walks around joyless and bitter), I will offer very little comfort, concern, reassurance or attention. After all, she is trying to punish me with all her hysterical and depressing emotions, and I don’t need the hassle.
Her anger and emotional reactions provide good reasons to keep distancing myself from such an intentionally hurtful person. I will make sure I tell my friends and family that her only moods are depressed, hysterical, joyless and bitter, and nothing I do is ever enough for her. That way I can make an ironclad case that proves to everyone, including myself, that it is her fault when she leaves me.
From the Abuser's Point of View
I should avoid emotional closeness, because it leaves me vulnerable and open to hurt. I will adopt an attitude of aloofness and indifference to keep my partner from getting a piece of me. Besides, if I let my partner get into my head, I will be under her rule and will be smothered. I will lose myself. To prevent this, I will subconsciously and consciously distance myself from my partner to keep her from overtaking me, while giving her fleeting moments of tenderness to keep her near me.
Here’s how I’ll go about it.
I will put off her requests for closeness, for talks and for time alone together. I will interrupt her and dismiss her opinions. I will show little interest when she wants to share an insight or a story from her day, and I will not share mine. When she hears me share something with someone else and asks. “Why didn’t you tell me that? I will say.” Or “I didn’t think you’d be interested” or “I forgot.” I will scoff at her interests as well as her choices and habits. Also, I will make sure I don’t miss a chance to point out with a tone of superiority and rightness-- how opposite or different her choices and habits are from mine. This helps prove that any attempts at working on our relationship will likely fail, since we are so different and thereby gives me more reason to distance myself.
I will spend my time at home on house projects, watching TV, reading magazines or playing with the kids anything and everything to leave no time for us to have a private moment. I will stay up each night later than her to avoid any closeness when we go to bed, then tell her she needs too much sleep. If I want to have sex, I will wake her from her sleep and began touching her, knowing she’ll respond because I’ve minimized affection and she’s craving any intimacy I’ll offer. When I am not at home avoiding her, I will pursue activities outside the home and not include her or forget to tell her about my activities until the day of the event, thereby leaving little possibility that she can attend with me.
To keep her within arm’s reach, I will occasionally throw out a “we should do X.” I may even really mean to do something with her, but I won’t ever make it a priority so that other things I have to do will always come first... I will leave my schedule open to attend whatever event I want, work on any project I want, or go out with friends (without considering that I should find a sitter because I know she’ll be home). But I will raise a fuss when she decides to take a night off from the house and the kids without getting my OK. After all, she always checks with me to see if I’ll be home, so if she doesn’t check, she must be punishing me, and I will call her on it. I will evade suggestion from her for a night out together or will commit to a night out grudgingly and without any sign of enthusiasm. When she stops initiating dates for us and then later complains about our lack of fun time, I will (with irritation in my tone) remind
her that she needs to initiate it I can’t always be the one initiating.
If she asks that we have a talk, I will put on my game face of mild irritation at her demand that I share. I
will let her run the talk, not offering much input and not validating her opinions. If she pushes ANY buttons or requests any changes in my behavior, I will unleash my rage and feel it is my entitlement to cut her, criticize, accuse her of riding me and then leave the room or the house, so that she can’t continue talking to me. Her talking is just a cover to get a chance to bitch at me anyway. When she sets up a session with a counselor, I will go so that no one can place blame on me for not going. Then I will tell the counselor that the reasons we have problems is that we are very different people so we can’t communicate with each other.
Once in a while, I will throw her a crumb and share a thought or a hug with her. Or, at the spur of the moment, I will decide -- without asking her first -- to take her out to dinner so that she can’t say to her friends or my family. He NEVER spends time alone with me. I will subvert any attempts from her to talk about us spending more time together during these rare occasions when I do spend a night with her.
I will show disgust at her lack of confidence and insecurities. Then I will bring up her tender spots (insecurities) whenever it helps me gain the upper hand or control in an uncomfortable situation. That way, the focus of whatever comes up is shifted away from me and onto her unreasonable insecurities.
When she reacts to any of this with anger or other high emotions (yelling, getting hysterical, crying, bawling, or walks around joyless and bitter), I will offer very little comfort, concern, reassurance or attention. After all, she is trying to punish me with all her hysterical and depressing emotions, and I don’t need the hassle.
Her anger and emotional reactions provide good reasons to keep distancing myself from such an intentionally hurtful person. I will make sure I tell my friends and family that her only moods are depressed, hysterical, joyless and bitter, and nothing I do is ever enough for her. That way I can make an ironclad case that proves to everyone, including myself, that it is her fault when she leaves me.
Whew this is sooo on the money. He's changed for the better being in recovery for over four years and doing step work regularly. He really cares now if he upsets me and if I cry he says it's okay to cry instead of getting all mad about it like it's a deliberate manipulation on my part....yep, him living by a value system based in honesty and self examination has made a huge difference.
Course I have a lot of work to do too with my own stuff.
Great article, thanks for posting it!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2012
Posts: 78
Originally Posted by Titanic
Yeah, cli, it is about not dealing with some internal, emotional need directly but by wanting and getting some "easy-fix," don't you think?
Likewise, I found it easier to make excuses for him, and to cling onto the hope that he might someday give me stuff too. And sometimes the only thing he gave me was his handsomeness, which at least made me feel proud of my prettiness. How idiotic is that?!
So I'll simply never feel good about taking an "us versus them" mentality. Aren't we all a bit nuts in varying degrees?
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 1,388
My AH does some of these things, especially the intimacy part, but I do not think that these are calculated and that he is aware of what he is doing. I know he likes to pick fights, that's for sure. Still, this is why detachment is so precious, especially when it comes to yelling: "When she reacts to any of this with anger or other high emotions (yelling, getting hysterical, crying, bawling, or walks around joyless and bitter), I will offer very little comfort, concern, reassurance or attention. After all, she is trying to punish me with all her hysterical and depressing emotions, and I don’t need the hassle."
I have not yelled for a whole month now, or cried, or got hysterical. And I am actually full of joy, knowing that I do not have to pamper him.
I have not yelled for a whole month now, or cried, or got hysterical. And I am actually full of joy, knowing that I do not have to pamper him.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Location: southern IN
Posts: 121
The words cut like a knife even after all this time. Damaged people damage others ( if given the chance.) On a weak morning, this helped me remember why no contact is so important...ty for the reminder.
Guest
Join Date: Dec 2004
Posts: 2,281
Wow. Sitting here in tears. No wonder it's taken (taking) me so long to heal. No wonder my health issues have have been complicated by and entertwined with emotional issues. I started looking up abuse info for a relative and came across emotional abuse and my life instead. My husband doesn't try to isolate me or keep me away from others - his alcohol abuse effectively did that though. The rest fits us all too well.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Location: Northeastern US
Posts: 122
This was my 1st husband to a "t". And the third Guy I dated after that. And my daughter's dad. Oy. My parents relationship growing up wasn't much different. I've turned down "normal" guys
Because they were nice and I had zero idea how to handle that.
Because they were nice and I had zero idea how to handle that.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
I haven't read all the comments yet. I am feeling so weird about this. It is just so tragic, because I see the sickness in both my and my X's behaviors. On one hand, I know that I was difficult to live with and that I got worse. I had a tendency for depression, I was a hoarder and a messy person when my XA and I fell in love. I had a very slight tendency toward self harm at that point too (as he did too, beyond alcohol abuse), but I had no triggers at that point. As time went on and things got worse, I received more and more criticism for my emotional and mental weaknesses and I criticized him more and more for his drinking. I started harming myself in front of him (rarely and when I was triggered). This wasn't a consciously manipulative tactic on my part, but I recognize that it is abusive to harm oneself in front of a partner. It's just tragic, because he would get more angry with me. He would tell me, "That's such a cop out!" He just does not have the capability to even try to understand me, even though he was purposely physically harming himself when we started dating.
The escalation is just sick. It's a tragedy that two people who admired each other so much and had so much fun together could become so harmful and ugly to each other. Its tragic how much I miss a person who is just NOT THERE. I live with guilt over my part in this, but I know I was doing my best. I know he was too. I want to take responsibility without the guilt. I want to recognize what I put up with from him, how it affected me without placing a bunch of blame and staying angry.
I want to remember that if I had been healthier, I would have said, "No, " to the disrespect and abuse. I would have walked away about 2 years in, rather than have him leave me after 7 years and a 1-year-old child together.
What the hell is your plan for me, HP,? Because this is looking pretty sucky for me right here and right now.
Sigh. Yes, it does suck less than it did. [Rolling eyes]
The escalation is just sick. It's a tragedy that two people who admired each other so much and had so much fun together could become so harmful and ugly to each other. Its tragic how much I miss a person who is just NOT THERE. I live with guilt over my part in this, but I know I was doing my best. I know he was too. I want to take responsibility without the guilt. I want to recognize what I put up with from him, how it affected me without placing a bunch of blame and staying angry.
I want to remember that if I had been healthier, I would have said, "No, " to the disrespect and abuse. I would have walked away about 2 years in, rather than have him leave me after 7 years and a 1-year-old child together.
What the hell is your plan for me, HP,? Because this is looking pretty sucky for me right here and right now.
Sigh. Yes, it does suck less than it did. [Rolling eyes]
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: The Bright Side of the Moon
Posts: 528
Some of the worst abuse, for me, came after the break up. He told me, "I just can't be anybody's 'rock' anymore." I had called him my "rock" when I was pregnant, so optimistic, and we were preparing for him to support me through my labor. This sh!t is sacred to me. Then I see him make it obvious how much he is there to support other friends. He even went to DV court to support a friend after she'd been assaulted by her BF! I wanted to tell her, "Just don't call him your rock."
He also never swore directly at me until after the break up when I took legal action to protect our son from his drunken negligence.
He also never swore directly at me until after the break up when I took legal action to protect our son from his drunken negligence.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: UK
Posts: 1,303
WOW!! I want to copy and paste this into an email to my XAH as this really hits home to me...every single sentence rings true to my heartbreaking breakdown in my marriage..I wont copy and paste to him as I am on a 'no contact' to try to recover but thank you so much for this. It has made me realise that I am not a victim but yes a target...so healing! 
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