BumblingAlong

When you read it, it's unbelievable to me. It's just so spot-on ... I wish I had read this 6 years ago when I first met him. I sensed his emotional distance from the beginning, but ignored it.

All you have to do is add the drinking and cheating, and the break-up/reconcile cycle and it could have been written by my ex.

It's so validating for me - knowing that he did it to the women before me, he did it to me and he'll do it to the woman he's with now. It's just who he is.

I hope my friend Rayn reads this -- can't wait to read her response....

I'm bookmarking this...

CatLover1234

Happened to me as well with my exab, it is truly crazy making! I never want to be on that emotional roller coaster ever again. Funny how we still love them through all this crazy making....go figure.

Learn2Live

This really hit home for me. It really goes to show that we all have our own motivations and often it can be so unclear what is going on with someone else. I had a BF who would literally RUN if I tried to talk to him about what was going on with him. His behavior made me crazier than any relationship I had ever been in, and he was not even an alcoholic! After more than a year of crying every other day, feeling like I was going to self-destruct, I read a book on sociopaths and it all FINALLY made sense. I finally felt relief because then I knew it was not just me! That people, including this guy I was with, can have some SERIOUS issues. It is so hard to have relationships with some kinds of people.

to SR you guys. Please feel free to post a new thread and tell us about yourselves and what you are going through.

BuffaloGal

I'm not sure I'd call that the abuser's point of view, though. It sounds like plain ol' emotional unavailability, which doesn't have to involve abuse... just neglect.

escape artist

Omg. i found the website this article came from and read the whole thing. I am relieved to finally see something which has been there the whole time put could not put my finger on what it was. I was so hopeful, I was ok, I thought I was working on myself, but the article described verbatim words he has said to me, that he was never going to lose himself again in a woman, and he then proceeding to delve into his fantasy world of games and left me to myself for too long.

A couple incidences over the past week has highlighted his covert abuse, everytime I ask him to do something-he gives me a lame excuse, blocking any communication,blames me, then tries to threaten me with stupid crap-i thought it was because he really wanted to just play his games and be left alone, but he gets agitated -has kicked the washer in anger-leaving a huge dent, wtf is that?

I have been avoiding him since his last blowup but did email the above article to him. Last night I got into bed very late and he asks me why am i going to bed so late, and i said, "does it really matter?", then he says, "so when do you want to divorce". I said nothing, cause I really did not want to get into it, but i am ready for him to get out now. wow. that is either a manipulation/threat or he really is some kind of psychopath and realizes that i know his game now...i am back in that bad place again. maybe the decision that something has to change came quicker, but i don't feel this is something that can be worked out, because he came into the marriage with this premise.

thanks to whoever put this thread right in my face two days ago, it was like my HP gave me an answer that was much needed

Cyranoak

This really hit's close to home. I have far too many of those characteristics, but not all thank God. I learned most of them, however, while my wife was drinking. They were ways to cope with her drunkeness, but also to manifest my childish hurt in passive-aggressively lashing out.

I say that becuase I am assured by a couple of my ex-girlfriends that I was not this way with them in our LTRs (plus, they still talk to me so I must not have been too bad). I hope.

Now I need to make sure to not continue these behaviors.

Good God. This is one of those great posts that I hate because it is forcing me to look at myself. Dang it!

StrongEnuf

I keep reading this, over and over again .... and WOW is all I can come up for a response? WOW

HoopNinja

I read this and then returned to read an email xah sent me last week-well there were a few within a 24 hour period. I wanted to post it here because it shook me up. I did not respond to it beyond saying that the only converstions I would have with xah would be regarding picking up and dropping off the kids and only if he could be civil. I have deleted the profanity.

Your evil is so all-encompassing you have no idea how much good I did for you. I never "shared" in proceeds from taxes. "We" used them to navigate the enormous costs of adoption. You're right that I'm spewing anger and hate. You distorted who I am and defined me through evil perceptions. You never met a challenge that couldn't become a crisis and I paid dearly for that, professionally, socially and emotionally. The fact that I'm verbally meeting you where you've always been on the low road is definitely a switch for me. Your narrow and limited understanding of faith and theology doesn't negate who I am. It only emphasizes your own spiritual deficiencies and the crisis-based lifestyle you follow. Your shameful alliances were hoodwinked into believing I was some kind of monster. In reality, I've been told by separate sources that I bring a great deal of light into a room, with a charisma that can intimidate and be misunderstood by weaker individuals. You will cling to the need to believe that I am bad and your actions were just. Nothing in heaven or earth ever caused you to forgive or seek forgiveness. With that I say F YOU and F EVERYONE who bothers to listen to your fictitious crises.

I have moved out of target range. I tell my kids how to move out of target range and that if they are not able to, to let me know. My son has started to normalize this kind of behavior. It makes me ill that older DS thinks this is how a normal person responds to something they are unhappy about.

Tuffgirl

Holy crap, hoopninja. And holy crap to the article, which I am cutting and pasting. I have been down that road before...its a no where trip and I need to to remember why I have to move out of target range, too. This is the first time I have seen this post, so thank you for the bump.

Now - I can't believe that email! Well, he is very literate in his seething rage and hatred. Mine does that too, intellectualize it in such a way that maybe it doesn't sounds so flipping nasty to them?! So sad. And pathetic. I got one of those this morning - not as much anger based but definitely blaming and honestly quite baffling. I am moving to no contact. It's just too damn hard.

HoopNinja

Tuff he is a whack job. He truly believes all this stuff he is writing. I listened to this garbage for 13 years! I was so happy I found SR because I was starting to believe there was something wrong with me (although that voice in the back of my head said-he's an alcoholic, just like your mom--don't listen).

I think when the type of communication you get from someone consists of this-well, target practice is over. What is scary for me is that in the past when he could not shoot at me because I had moved out of range-he found a new target--our older son. NO ONE would listen to me because this person who wrote this--he's a church music director (hence the reference to my lack of knowledge in theology). Yeah, well I have a fairly good sense that HP does not see this as understanding theology.

I work daily with my kids so they know what is right and how to treat people. They are getting a dose of this weekly-even if it is veiled or dressed up to look like something else. This weekend xah lied and told me he had never talked to older DS about 50-50 placement--that a friend of his had. Older DS heard me talking and just broke out in tears and told me his Dad was lying--he has been talking about it constantly because he wants to buy a house.

I will never be able to convince anyone he is who he is--they did not live with him and like most abusers he is great at covering it up (and like it says, making me look like I am the one with the problem. He does the same thing to our kids). Scary.

Tuffgirl

It is scary! That email was disturbing! And I hear ya on the not being believed part. My RAH is so charming to everyone but me. He rips me to shreds, and I admit I have done the same to him at times. The anger is so hard to wrap my head around. I asked last night at my Al-Anon meeting why this guy hates ME so much? I was reminded this is the disease talking, not the person you feel in love with. One person said I need to imagine him with a big sign across his forward that says "SICK". Then maybe I can ignore the quacking and not take it so personally. *SIGH* its hard, but I see now I have no choice, this really wrecks my serenity. And like you, hoopninja, I have kids to protect and try to raise into good grown-ups. He's not helping with that.

Hey, take care of yourself and your kids, ok? I don't blame you for being shaken up...it shook me up just reading it and he's a stranger to me. But it sounded very menacing.

gardenfreak

Sounds like a typical NPD individual. Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

I was married to one. He could have written that, but there would be many spelling errors.

qbert

Wow... this is my husband...this is him. I've been here less than 1/2 hour, posted my first "post" and I am stunned at what I am reading....this is my life...I am so sad.

DesertEyes

Hello qbert, and pleased to "meet" you

Don't stop reading, there are so many _good_ stories of people who turned their life around and were able to overcome all these hardships and more. It's ok to be sad, but you can also be hopeful at the same time.

Mike

Happiness Fairy

I am bawling reading this right now. This is my life! And now that my AH has been served w/ divorce papers he is actually scaring me. Last night is barged into the house at after 10pm - me and kids were all asleep - and flicked on the light. He proceeded to complain that he needed clothes for work the next day (he has somewhat moved out and is looking for a place to rent). I was so terrified! He came back upstairs 2 times before he actually left. I couldn't sleep at all and he woke the kids. Great!

Selfish,
Manipulator,
Controller,
Intimidator,
Angry,
Vindictive,

I can't believe I have lived this way for so many years. This next couple of weeks is going to be torture until we have our temp hearing. I'm just putting my faith in God and our legal system.

I just know someday I am going to see the joyous outcome of all this pain.

qbert

Happiness, if you can, I would have your locks changed today....you need to protect yourself and your children above anything right now. File a TRO (temporary restraining order) you certainly have justification for that him barging in your home where you are supposed to feel safe. I am in the same shoes as you with the same kind of husband but I have not gotten as far as you, but I am getting close. I know how you are feeling is what I am trying to say. I cried when I read this as well as it described my AH to a tee - only just in a way that made me realize what I have been dealing with for 20 years. Hang in there and stay strong. Post as much as you can to stay on top of things and receive support. I'm new here too just yesterday. GOOD LUCK

Serenity8

Wow, so much of this is my ex husband... scary how much I saw him. I don't miss him,not even a little bit. I feel bad for my kids, who are stuck with an angry, irrational man for a father.

LadyM

So good and so true.

So much of this sounds familiar - now it's me who is distancing myself, but not in the same way - I just don't buy his crap anymore. It drives me buggy that he will talk on and on and ON about his work, but if I try to engage in the conversation it's "hey, I'm not talking about your kids at school I'm talking about mine" or "could you just let me finish and stop interrupting me!" (said at an extended pause that opens the door for comment or reflection on the part of another person). And if I want to talk with him about my day or interests I get brushed off, shut down, and told that he doesn't really care and that it's of no interest to him.

I'm not a dummy in the corner to nod and make encouraging murmurs. I'm am his wife and I have stories, interests and hobbies of my own to share. If he doesn't want to listen that's okay, but he doesn't have to act like a jerk either.

cranapple

Wow, I agree. Just about all of that fits my boyfriend.

jOSE2

I am absolutely flabbergasted reading this ! That I lived through all that for years, I am away from all that now,but really I dont know how I survived it !

Jose2