nowwhat

I can hardly believe this:

I went onto match.com and guess who has posted a profile?

I guess I get what I deserve. I am not ready to date, but was fooling around to see "what's out there" (depressing, really).

Amazingly, X is a "social drinker, maybe 1 or 2." Not that I would have expected anything different.

Next guy I date, I'm asking for a reference from his X. I had a really awful conversation with my X's XW early in the relationship, and everything she warned me about came to fruition.

Part of me is glad to know what he's up to--knowledge is power and all that, but the other part thinks (knows) that this just leads to obsession and unhealthy thoughts on my behalf.

These guys really do have patterned behavior, huh? He's not ready for a relationship, but is seeking one online.

Barbara52

So why look? Why still care what he is doing when you refer to him as an x?

Startingover2

My exah did the same thing. Social drinker....so funny. My exah had the nerve to ask me how to get on Match.com.

I am a classic snooper. It does only hurt me in the long run. I do understand where you are at though.

ToughChoices

I've had to work really hard on reminding myself where my business stops and my XAH's begins. Dating is one of those areas. It is not my job to determine whether or not my X is emotionally ready for a relationship. He is a grown man who is entirely capable of conducting his own life, even if the conduct doesn't hold up to my standards.

I started telling myself, "XAH is not ready for a relationship with me."

When I think about the situation in that context, I feel the power of my own choices for my life instead of critiquing my X's choices over and over again (I'm well practiced in that art ).

-TC

atalose

No snooping never pays off it only leaves us deeper in the black hole. Why do we do it, to keep holding on, holding on to what? That’s the 100,000 dollar question.

Think back to that awful conversation with his ex-wife, why was it so awful? How did that conversation make you feel and did you put any stock into what she was trying to tell you? Of course you didn’t. You didn’t believe one word she was saying.
I’m sure you thought she was some crazy nut still holding on------and holding on to what? How did she find out about you, snooping no doubt then she acted on that snooping. Did it give her satisfaction to tell you all those things, I’m sure it did but it didn’t stop you from getting involved did it?

Keeping track of him on match.com, is that going to bring you any satisfaction? Are you going to act like his ex-wife did if he does begin to date again? Will you become the crazy nut still holding on?

We can learn from our experiences, they can make us stronger.......

chrisea

I had an xbf that did the same thing...there wasn't even a photo on *****. I could tell from his words & then of course his location, it was him, later he added a photo... it hurts at first. But then you realize, if that is all he cared for me, I was Way Better without someone like that.

The evening he took all that he wanted out of the apt we where in, he didn't even have the decency to close the door behind him. He thought only of himself... I can just see him, walking out the door with his last box & just keep going... fortunately, the apt was on a private driveway. He didn't admit to me, but I could tell from some of his admissions, he was a dry drunk.

If I knew then, what I do now... at 25 I would have turned away from my 1st xh, because he was divorced. Now I know that was too young of an age to be divorced, red flag. (except maybe for a very few exception)

I would of tried to be a first wife, until at least the age of 35... After mid 30's, 40's, it gets more difficult to find a giver.

Take this time to get to know yourself, do things that you enjoy, life is too short.

bluejay6

I agree that tracking the addict is a bad idea.

But because I also believe that everything that happens is part of God's larger plan, then I believe you were meant to see the profile.

Addicts have a pattern of breaking up then showing up again, then breaking up, then showing up again....etcetcetc

Toby Rice Drews ("Getting Them Sober") says "it's hard to lose an alcoholic" [or addict], and many many can testify to that. You think they are gone forever, and just as you have made it through the grieving and devastation and are back on your feet almost, they show up again. Toby calls this "alcoholic radar".

And it often works. The alcoholic says he misses you, he can't believe how stupid he was to let someone as beautiful as you get away, he says he's done some hard thinking and has changed, he says he's been lonely and miserable, and he asks if there's still a chance.............

And I'd bet you 9 out of 10 of us jump back in that first time!

But.......when you see him posting on Match within days or weeks of the break, you KNOW he is a selfish, stunted, ADDICT who is seeking another high, another person to distract him from his miserable failure of a life.

So even though snooping is not a good idea, I have to believe it has given you a clearer picture of who and what he is and will help you hold your ground.

nowwhat

Yep, this happened the first time we broke up. I was pretty miserable for the first couple of weeks, then started really getting it together, taking care of myself, making friends...and like magic, he made a reappearance into my life and I fell for it hook, line, sinker.

I wasn't technically snooping, I was looking at the online profiles out of curiosity (can't understand why all the guys my age are so OLD hehe).
His doesn't have a picture or a recognizable handle, but it's clearly HIM. We are a possible match, of course.

At least it brings it home to roost that you can't believe what anyone says on that site.

TakingCharge999

Hey nowwhat

I understand where you are at... I was really stuck in sadness and one day I decided to see his Facebook. I saw the happy pics. All the messages from the new girlfriend. She does not even know how to type LOL. Everything was about drinks. "You are a drunkard, but I still loveeeeeeee youuuuuuu !!". Complaining a Monday morning because it was Monday morning...and their hang over was terrible...

He dedicated her a song he also dedicateed me!! LOL... on the times of breakup he said "only after a disaster can you be born again"...

It hurt, but I agree with the above poster that it can give you another sense of "This indeed Is Reality, this is the reality of who I thought was a worthy person... I am taking the correct decision" and helps you move on.

I see "men" around me and none of them can enjoy time for themselves. They are always distracted, pursuing someone, drinking, whatever. Ok. Their healing is not my job. After I know more about addiction and denial -and how fast F is going in his self destructive career - I can only wish GOOD LUCK (COS YOU'LL NEED IT) to anyone who comes across him...

Keep moving forward! everything is easy in writing, but there will be a day when you no longer care what you see or hear... you'll be too joyful living your life, with great people on it he will become little, little... ultimately non existant. It will be a beautiful day.

(former Dreamer999!)

MeHandle

LOL... everyone has an opinion so here is mine on the 'track' the responses took.....

Only You and God really know your heart and mind on this issue. There is tracking, snooping , curiosity and there is happening to come across info you weren't out to find. Another words this could have been an unhealthy behavior, healthy behavior, neutral behavior or possibly a problematic behavior. So nowwhat might want to examine that in her heart and mind as such is always a good exercise.:-) BUt then again she might not to waste her time for a simple curiosity or happening across info.:-)

In general there is nothing wrong with stating a fact you came across,that he is out there lying about how much he is drinking and that fact ain't good and therefore, makes you think how you might need to interview an ex because you want to protect yourself as you know alcoholics lie about only being social drinkers.( This of course in no way assumes that I agree or disagree with an ex interview, just understand nowwhat'sidea behind it :-)

Now nowwhat..... :-) I found nothing "Amazing" about it.:-)

Ago

First I had to learn that my ex wasn't doing things "to me" she was just "doing things" (that happened to drive me nuts.)

Then I had to learn to stop seeking them(her) out and doing them to myself.

I had to ask myself, "I broke up with this person because she was harmful to me, do I really want to seek her out and see what she is up to now we have broken up?"

I had to ask myself at what point am I just doing this to myself?

At some point it just became me harming myself. All it was was hurtful to me.

As I stated earlier, I left this person because it was harmful for me, then I walked around with her in my head 24/7 because of resentment.

So for me, breaking up had to mean actually walking away, it didn't do me any good to break up if I was just going to have this person living in my head all the time.

The Irony alone was sufficient to help me walk away.

I've read alcoholics are addicted to alcohol, and codependents are addicted to alcoholics. At some point I realized I had gotten addicted to hurtful behavior and drama.

So part of me breaking that addiction was kicking her out of my mind.

Who cares what he is up to, I mean you've established he's bad news, and that you don't want him to be part of your life anymore, now lets get him gone shall we? For me that had to include getting her completely out of my mind as well or what was the point of breaking up? I mean if I was let her continue to harm me after I had left her, why not just stay with her?

TakingCharge999

Not taking it personal is key here, and also: what is to be expected from an AH?

When I realized I expected him to act rationally and in a mature way, a person that has drank his problems for years now... I was hurt of how he acted, but then again its what addicts do. They do not do it TO YOU as Ago says.... they will do it regardless of who is or is not close to them. Drink, manipulate, lie for sex. Its what they do. So no surprises at all. Nothing has changed in their life. Ok. Its not their time (yet...), but the good news is that you are free now to meet people that meet your new standards..

WLDKATZ

found my husband on onlinebootycall dot com................happily married now for over 2 years........funny thing though, I wasnt looking for a relationship just that booty call thing......guess you find what you not even looking for sometimes even when you dont think your even looking for it......hope that makes sense to you....good luck!


Pamm

LucyA

nowwhat, maybe he was just seeing what was out there, just like you were.
But you've learned what's out there may not be all it seems .
Treat it as a lesson well learned for when you next want to 'see what's out there'

ItsmeAlice

I agree with the "lesson learned" idea.

Maybe that was HP's way of telling you not to go looking around out there for yourself just yet.

What better way to tell you that what's out there may not be what it seems to be but by presenting a profile that you have first hand knowledge to be less than the truth.

You'll probably come across more things like this...people you know in common who tell you of his activities...collection notices or collector calls...random contact by him trying to engage you in drama. These things seem to happen regardless of how you try to avoid it.

How to deal with it and when to be proactive and try to stop it from happening is different for everyone I suppose.


Alice