bookwyrm

I'm wrestling with the idea of trust right now. I've been doubting myself a lot, examining my choices, how I react with others and how I behave. I'm having a hard time just trusting myself.

My instincts were to trust my AH, to stay with him, love and support him no matter what. That lasted till his drinking got way out of control, he verbally and emotionally abused me and finally cheated on me right under my nose. I trusted him implicitly and he abused that trust. I think I would still be hanging around on the sidelines waiting for him to finally come to his senses if he hadn't 'fallen in love' and told me about it. I trusted him more than I trusted me.

My family undermine my trust in myself - in a kind and well meaning way. They want me to act in a certain way believing it will make me happy. The pressure is subtle but it is there.

My counsellor is encouraging me to not trust the voice I have that is harshly critical of me, to break free of negative thinking and stop beating myself up. I can't even trust my own thoughts!

I'm feeling indecisive (I've started writing this thread 5 times in the past week), and uncertain about everything. And I have a number of decisions to make about selling the house (been trying to for the past 5 months) and finding a place to live.

I will never trust anyone again like I trusted my AH - and that is a good thing. I just have to find a way to learn to trust myself.

I think, when I get to the bottom of it, what's stopping me is fear. I don't value my own judgement and I can't forgive myself for making mistakes (gotta be perfect, you know?). The whole situation with AH was incremental over a long period of time. I just didn't notice what was happening to me! I wasn't paying attention. I was in denial and deluded. And I guess I still hold myself in contempt for being such a fool and how can I trust a fool?

Can anyone relate?

Seren

Can anyone relate? Do pigs fly? OK....never mind that......

Yeah, those of us who have vaguely or strongly codie tendencies can doubt our own judgement. Dealing with an A can make us doubt our own judgement and our own instincts.

Your family has seen you go through A LOT, and they just love you and want you to have a good life--but their expectations are not your own. What do you want?

I, too, have that negative tape playing in my head, the one that says "you stupid idiot" if I even drop a spoon on the floor. We need to replace that tape with "Ooops, oh well, another spoon to wash, no biggie".

You are not a fool. You loved someone who took advantage of your caring nature and played it for all it was worth. You have learned and grown, and soon you can trust that still, small voice in you that says "I am worth respect and I can trust my own judgement and I can learn to act on that judgement".

Be kind to yourself! Hugs, HG

Barbara52

One small way I work on improving my trust in myself is to list all the good,right decisions I have made. It does help me to focus on the good parts rather than concentrate on the bad some times. I find way easier to be self critical than self rewarding and that leads me down a road that makes me doubt myself.

Now that doesn't mean I ignore the legit self criticism. But learning to see what is legit self criticism is an important step in recovery I think. Learning to recognize when you are beating yourself up over things you should not beat yourself up is a good thing.

FreeBird09

I find myself going from trusting my decision, my instincts, to undermining my recovery (from co-dependency) and backsliding. It's that bleeding heart of mine that gets in the way of letting me be true to myself. I spent my entire life making everything ok for the other person, now.. since I have been alone going on 10 months, I have to take care of my own feelings. HARD HARD HARD. I am trying to look at my decision process (trusting myself) in terms of how is this going to affect me 1, 2, 5, 10 years down the road. I am trying to learn to get out of my own way. Like you bookwyrm, I know what I feel, know what I want to say, NEED to say, but I second guess my decision although deep down in my soul I KNOW that it needs to be said, but I just don't want to (take responsibility??) of an ultimate decision being on my shoulders (guilt?) so I write, rewrite, second guess and finally push it deep down in again where it is only hurting myself. We KNOW what the right thing to do is, but we are 'trained' to do what is best for others.