Sad feelings keep coming up
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Sad feelings keep coming up
I'm in the process of divorcing STBXAH. He's been on and off the wagon a bunch since I filed for the divorce. Still mantains I'm the love of his life, and that he'll never be happy without me. Still hasn't tried to get a job or do anything to help make this divorce easier on himself.
I've been doing a pretty good job of detaching, I think. It's been a process, and I still haven't been able to go full "no contact", but I feel myself detaching more and more, and allowing myself more and more happiness, every day.
However, I still have pangs of grief and sadness related to him, as well as moments of real fear and worry for him. Usually it will be one thing he said or did in the past that will become a real trigger for these emotions. The latest one is a phone conversation we had about a month ago where his voice caught in his throat as he tearfully said, "You'll find someone else and be fine, and I'm going to end up dying all alone." Even just typing that can bring tears to my eyes. It's not the future I would have picked for him. I tried for so long to make our relationship work, despite all the **** he dished out to me. I wanted to be there for him, to support him, to not have him "die alone". What's worse is, I feel he's probably right. I already am dating someone else who makes me really happy, and he's just miserably drinking himself to death in our old place, waiting on his half of our assets.
It just hurts. I never wanted our relationship to end like this. I was truly in love with this man at some point, and I always will love the good qualities in him. Even as a friend, I wouldn't want to see or hear about someone in so much pain.
I have been going to a therapist, and I'm going to start attending Al-Anon regularly soon. Anyone have any other advice on how to start moving past these feelings? What is some positive "self-talk" I could give myself. I'm not a bad person for leaving him "all alone" to feel depressed and miserable, am I? Or for dating again, and taking away his hope that we may get together again in the future? I wish I was just pissed and angry--I would find that easier to deal with.
I've been doing a pretty good job of detaching, I think. It's been a process, and I still haven't been able to go full "no contact", but I feel myself detaching more and more, and allowing myself more and more happiness, every day.
However, I still have pangs of grief and sadness related to him, as well as moments of real fear and worry for him. Usually it will be one thing he said or did in the past that will become a real trigger for these emotions. The latest one is a phone conversation we had about a month ago where his voice caught in his throat as he tearfully said, "You'll find someone else and be fine, and I'm going to end up dying all alone." Even just typing that can bring tears to my eyes. It's not the future I would have picked for him. I tried for so long to make our relationship work, despite all the **** he dished out to me. I wanted to be there for him, to support him, to not have him "die alone". What's worse is, I feel he's probably right. I already am dating someone else who makes me really happy, and he's just miserably drinking himself to death in our old place, waiting on his half of our assets.
It just hurts. I never wanted our relationship to end like this. I was truly in love with this man at some point, and I always will love the good qualities in him. Even as a friend, I wouldn't want to see or hear about someone in so much pain.
I have been going to a therapist, and I'm going to start attending Al-Anon regularly soon. Anyone have any other advice on how to start moving past these feelings? What is some positive "self-talk" I could give myself. I'm not a bad person for leaving him "all alone" to feel depressed and miserable, am I? Or for dating again, and taking away his hope that we may get together again in the future? I wish I was just pissed and angry--I would find that easier to deal with.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
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All the time you stayed with him, did he get better? Why do you assume you have the power to change his life and his choices? The fact is, he will do whatever he will do, no matter what you do.
Maybe he will die alone--his choice. Or you could take a front row seat to watching him die--your choice.
You have not "taken away his hope." He gave it up when he chose the path he is taking. Again--his choice.
I will tell you that it was a huge relief for me when I admitted that I just wasn't that powerful. That the only human life I have control over is my own. As I have said before, the sooner you stop treating him as though he is an incompetent child, the sooner he will have the opportunity to grow up. Maybe he will and maybe he won't. Again--his choice.
L
P.S. Edit to add: Sad feelings are normal when a relationship ends. Try to work on separating the sad (to be expected) from the guilt (not good for you). You are not responsible for him--never were.
Maybe he will die alone--his choice. Or you could take a front row seat to watching him die--your choice.
You have not "taken away his hope." He gave it up when he chose the path he is taking. Again--his choice.
I will tell you that it was a huge relief for me when I admitted that I just wasn't that powerful. That the only human life I have control over is my own. As I have said before, the sooner you stop treating him as though he is an incompetent child, the sooner he will have the opportunity to grow up. Maybe he will and maybe he won't. Again--his choice.
L
P.S. Edit to add: Sad feelings are normal when a relationship ends. Try to work on separating the sad (to be expected) from the guilt (not good for you). You are not responsible for him--never were.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I sstill ahve feelings of sdaness pop up and I left the man almost 2 yrs ago and have been divorced for almost 1 yr. It sadens me that xAH is unwilling to save himself. He is probably dying from liver disease now since he tells folks he has a very large growth in his abdomen which is likely his liver. Something that could be at the least kept undercontrol IF he chooses to quit drinking and go to a doctor. But he won't. His choice.
As to how to deal with it, everytime one of those passing moments of saddness comes along, I again say a pray for the man and again put it all in God's hands. It's all I can do.
You are not a bad person for leaving him alone. He is alone by choice. You are not a bad person for seeking out a new relationship. You deserve to love and be loved! Don't ever forget that!
As to how to deal with it, everytime one of those passing moments of saddness comes along, I again say a pray for the man and again put it all in God's hands. It's all I can do.
You are not a bad person for leaving him alone. He is alone by choice. You are not a bad person for seeking out a new relationship. You deserve to love and be loved! Don't ever forget that!
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 1,888
Anger does sometimes feel easier, I agree.
I find it helps to remind myself that I am just a regular person like everyone else. I need food, shelter, safety, and contact with others to survive. I'm not asking for anything that I wouldn't grant anyone else, if it were up to me. Basic healthy living.
It is not healthy for any regular person to give these things up to support someone else's refusal to accept life. My ABF prefers to numb his feelings and deny his accoutability for everything. This is what brought him to alcohol, and this is what keeps him there.
I am no super woman. I cannot carry the weight of a whole human life on my shoulders this long. We are meant to carry ourselves and our offspring (up to adulthood). We are not made to carry ourselves, our children, our spouses, our parents, our coworkers...
A regular person living life. That's all we want to be.
Alice
I find it helps to remind myself that I am just a regular person like everyone else. I need food, shelter, safety, and contact with others to survive. I'm not asking for anything that I wouldn't grant anyone else, if it were up to me. Basic healthy living.
It is not healthy for any regular person to give these things up to support someone else's refusal to accept life. My ABF prefers to numb his feelings and deny his accoutability for everything. This is what brought him to alcohol, and this is what keeps him there.
I am no super woman. I cannot carry the weight of a whole human life on my shoulders this long. We are meant to carry ourselves and our offspring (up to adulthood). We are not made to carry ourselves, our children, our spouses, our parents, our coworkers...
A regular person living life. That's all we want to be.
Alice
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Thanks LaTeeDa, your posts always help me a great deal and give me much food for thought.
Bottomline, he dying alone is himself playing innocent victim, which is easier than grabbing his b*lls and seek recovery. He could change that "destiny" right this minute... if he really wished to. If his pain was that big. It sounds harsh, but its true. Just as being a codie - no siree, here we are, struggling daily to change our long lived patterns. And succesfuly moving forward, despite tragic events, despite the past, despite ourselves. It takes inmense courage to see oneself with honesty. What has happened with you, and what will continue to happen in his life - those are DIRECT CONSEQUENCES of HIS actions.
Please remember to use all the tools you have, journaling works for me, allow yourself to cry and feel the sadness - with a time frame according to your schedule and mood. Really live it intensely.. then time is up, you have acknowledged, accepted, released your feelings, and released toxins from your body. Afterwards you will feel better. Its just a well you need to empty to fill it with joyful, healthier feelings such as compassion for him and yourself, faith, forgiveness and peace.
It has been tough all you have gone through. Its a process. But you are doing fine!
This too, shall pass...
Blessings and hugs
Sandra
Bottomline, he dying alone is himself playing innocent victim, which is easier than grabbing his b*lls and seek recovery. He could change that "destiny" right this minute... if he really wished to. If his pain was that big. It sounds harsh, but its true. Just as being a codie - no siree, here we are, struggling daily to change our long lived patterns. And succesfuly moving forward, despite tragic events, despite the past, despite ourselves. It takes inmense courage to see oneself with honesty. What has happened with you, and what will continue to happen in his life - those are DIRECT CONSEQUENCES of HIS actions.
Please remember to use all the tools you have, journaling works for me, allow yourself to cry and feel the sadness - with a time frame according to your schedule and mood. Really live it intensely.. then time is up, you have acknowledged, accepted, released your feelings, and released toxins from your body. Afterwards you will feel better. Its just a well you need to empty to fill it with joyful, healthier feelings such as compassion for him and yourself, faith, forgiveness and peace.
It has been tough all you have gone through. Its a process. But you are doing fine!
This too, shall pass...
Blessings and hugs
Sandra
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Originally Posted by Mambo Queen 
"You'll find someone else and be fine, and I'm going to end up dying all alone."
Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink!
L
One foot in front of the other
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: York, PA
Posts: 27
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
As I have said before, the sooner you stop treating him as though he is an incompetent child, the sooner he will have the opportunity to grow up.
What you describe is a natural reaction... It's sad to see someone you love(d) ruining their life. You want to beat some sense into them sometimes! But "helping" does tend to prolong the lack of action on their part. Once it sinks in that you've truly taken yourself away from it all, he'll either find someone else to enable him, he'll start to finally take responsibility, or he will unfortunately "die alone." Again, nothing you can do about it, and it isn't your responsibility.
Stay strong!
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Originally Posted by LaTeeDa
Another thought. This is just a different version of the famous alcoholic mantra--
Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink!
L
Poor me, poor me, pour me another drink!
L
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
The latest one is a phone conversation we had about a month ago where his voice caught in his throat as he tearfully said, "You'll find someone else and be fine, and I'm going to end up dying all alone."
He cast out his line with the emotional bait, and you took it.
If you want to feel guilty over what you are doing for your life, you're perfectly entitled to do so. I can assure you that will affect your current relationship.
On the other hand, you can toss that guilt right back at him where it belongs, and let God have him, no?
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