Such clarity this morning~thank you all

Old 05-08-2009, 05:34 AM
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Such clarity this morning~thank you all

Thank all of your for responding to my post yesterday. I received sooo much ESH that I felt completely blessed by it all.
Alot of it applied to me and my situation, and after having thought a lot about it the past few days I have really been able to put some clarity on it and it has helped me to feel better about where I am in all of it.
What I had to do first was allow myself to think about the entire situation-not something I enjoy doing anymore. I had to realize first and foremost that I was a volunteer NOT a victem. I went back REPEATEDLY to him, hoping for a different outcome (talk about insanity), I tried to force solutions over and over again. Secondly I realized that I truly believe that HP has a plan for each of us and that nothing happens in His world by accident....It is all part of His plan. That being said~there really is nothing to forgive. Forgiveness implys wrong doing on someone's part. I can choose to believe that all of this good and bad is/was part of HP's plan for me and that EXABF and his actions were also part of that plan.....I can then find some compassion for him and gratitude for my HP always having my back. I also realized that a LOT of the anger I feel is at myself, not at him. (Thanks Tricia). I let him into our lives, I went against my firm belief that I would NEVER AGAIN be involved with an A, I made a lot of mistakes and ill time decisions. This part of the anger I am going to need a bit more time to work through. I know I'm not ready to run into EXABF in the street anytime soon, and I dread the day that I might have to/accidently face him again, but that is in the future, and I am in today. All of the insight has helped me get to a place where I FINALLY feel like I can let go of some of my junk and move forward in my program and my life.
So I wanted to come here this am, and thank you all for all your help. Sometimes just getting input, ESH, can provide sooooooo much insight into our problems and I faced today with a new clarity that I haven't had it a while, so thank you all for that.
Thanks for letting me share......
living in the now
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Old 05-08-2009, 06:40 AM
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Sending you hugs this morning, spirited!
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Old 05-08-2009, 06:44 AM
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Now there some juicy fabulous stuff in that!
Sounds like you may have been lifted from your prison cell?!! Yippy :-)
Love and light!~Cheryl
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Old 05-08-2009, 07:37 AM
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"I know I'm not ready to run into EXABF in the street anytime soon, and I dread the day that I might have to/accidently face him again, but that is in the future, and I am in today."

Thanks for that reminder of living in the present moment!

Well spirited, as I work with ex AH I have ran into him since day #1 from the breakup, and still run into him almost daily. Not only that, as he now lives with another woman, I run into THEM when we get out of work. Or in the morning, I see his car parked somewhere that is not in the way from his home to work, and I know he slept at her place (or somewhere else...) Or inside the office, because seemingly she has no keys to his home, and has to see him at work if he is busy.

Now we are almost neighbors, and I am sure we will need to interact more at the job in the future, as we may be handling the same account for a while.

Bottomline - even with all this. I have been able to keep my peace!!!!! Granted, not always...granted, it has been extremely difficult... granted, yesterday I got angry for a while... but it is true, he may be asking Gisele Bundchen for marriage infront of you.. and YOUR peace keeps being YOURS, and your JOY is still yours, and the lessons YOU have learned are still YOURS, and there is nothing in this world they will do or won't do that will harm you anymore.

Now I see how he used to drink before we met, and how he is drinking all the whiskey in the world now, and my "hopes" of him being healthy seem SO ridiculous... knowing the enemy has helped me know its not personal, it never was... I am SO little "against" the disease, there is nothing that could have changed the fact he is an AH. An active AH in denial with agressive tendencies. That is what I think when I see him. Sad.

Sometimes I thank God I only have to see him at work, where he has to behave, and I choose to see it as a blessing - that he cannot hurt ME now. Or ever. That whatever he is doing - is with others. That when he talks to me now, is to talk about technical stuff - not to lie, manipulate, say cruel stuff, wash his hands from any wrong doing, or tell me some sexist joke or how bad I look with those specific clothes, yadda yadda quack quack quack. I am safe now (and ready for the good times and only great people in my life!)

Just offering some hope, keep working on yourself, and you will be prepared for whatever happens!!

Hugs!

PS Wearing dark glasses while out, and perhaps an iPod, has helped me so there is no eye contact. I learned this trick from him, LOL

Last edited by TakingCharge999; 05-08-2009 at 08:04 AM.
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