Being rejected by the reject...another way to think about it.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2019
Posts: 28
Bump!
This thread has given me some clarity. My AH left me on Sunday after a great friday night date night, then a Saturday night getting drunk with his friends. Suddenly decided in the morning that he didn't love me. He was unhappy, has been for a long time-i guess we both have been to an extent.
He was open and honest to me for a few months within the 2 years that he had been drinking. Crying and wanting to get better. Stepping down in his role at church to get help. Now, it's all me. All my fault. It's better for both of us this way, he says. And I believe it. Especially for me at least. I know for a fact he has done me a favor. It's just hard to accept at the moment. It's still raw.
He has left me and come back a few times. This time really seems to be it though. The coldness, the absolute disregard of my feelings. The we don't enjoy the same things anymore...
I feel stronger after reading this thread. Thank you.
This thread has given me some clarity. My AH left me on Sunday after a great friday night date night, then a Saturday night getting drunk with his friends. Suddenly decided in the morning that he didn't love me. He was unhappy, has been for a long time-i guess we both have been to an extent.
He was open and honest to me for a few months within the 2 years that he had been drinking. Crying and wanting to get better. Stepping down in his role at church to get help. Now, it's all me. All my fault. It's better for both of us this way, he says. And I believe it. Especially for me at least. I know for a fact he has done me a favor. It's just hard to accept at the moment. It's still raw.
He has left me and come back a few times. This time really seems to be it though. The coldness, the absolute disregard of my feelings. The we don't enjoy the same things anymore...
I feel stronger after reading this thread. Thank you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2011
Posts: 267
I’m so glad you bumped this. Im struggling tonight. figured AH was moving his stuff out today while I was at work but, no, he waited until I came home. That hit me funny for some reason so I came here. Reading this was helpful.
Member
Join Date: May 2019
Posts: 216
This is so on point for me- I totally felt empowered the last few times we were meeting up, as he tried to communicate in same old ways, but he suddenly sensed my empowerment and in a second, realized that this is not the same dinamics any longer. So he realised that either he needed to change profoundly, or disingage entirely! He chose latter! And he blamed me for making him choose, but I dont believe he could have kept up with my re-affirmed standards for my own life anyway! So yes, even without a therapist I have defo come to a same conclusion- we just dont match, once the healthy boundries are set!
I truly hope tho, once he seeks out full on healing (which I still somehow believe he will) we can then have ANY common ground for healthy and productive communication. Until then, and even if its very hard for me every day since the break up, NC seems like the best solution!
I truly hope tho, once he seeks out full on healing (which I still somehow believe he will) we can then have ANY common ground for healthy and productive communication. Until then, and even if its very hard for me every day since the break up, NC seems like the best solution!
Member
Join Date: Sep 2014
Posts: 1,792
Glad you bumped this thread. I am sorry for the loss you folks have recently experienced. This is a very painful time for you.
I promise, if you work your program, you will get to a place emotionally and psychologically, where the idea of being rejected by a drunk will be quite humorous. I promise.
We are here to support you in the meantime.
I promise, if you work your program, you will get to a place emotionally and psychologically, where the idea of being rejected by a drunk will be quite humorous. I promise.
We are here to support you in the meantime.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2020
Posts: 143
I love this! Yes! I was just blown off by a loser (i.e., I was rejected by a reject) because I refused to play enabler anymore and I've been feeling so sad, hurt, etc. ... but I love this! It (his rejection of me) happened the moment I made the decision to stop putting up with his sh*t. And I think he knew it.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2018
Posts: 53
What a great thread. Found it just when I needed it. Its true that once we stop playing their game and setting boundaries, we are no longer of value to them so they move on. It really hurts to know that we are not enough to get them to change, but the fact is they would rather not have to put the effort in and continue in their addiction and selfish ways. There's no more entertainment once you refuse to play along. Pretty sure mine is done with me now. Tried again and nothing changed, he was still taking drugs, still neglecting me, still contacting his exes. I went a bit mental at one point and he called me a psycho. I realise that is the effect his behaviour has on me though and he wouldnt or couldnt understand that. And my level of psycho in no way matched his own past behaviour, even though I do regret it. I have had a lot of unrelated trauma in the past few months in addition to this, he just wasnt there for me in any way and that has taught me a lot about who he is and his lack of feeling for me as a person. I had a wobble last week and messaged him and he didnt reply. Wish I hadnt given him that power back but I guess it doesnt really matter. Its a bitter pill to swallow but we must learn to accept the reality of the situation and realise that their rejection of us is a blessing in disguise. Im still learning but I guess we will be stronger people once we go through the process and be in a position to help others who are earlier on in the journey. I hope everyone on this thread is feeling stronger and happier. So many good people on this site with such good advice, Im thankful to all who have replied to my own threads, you really kept me going.
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Join Date: Nov 2016
Posts: 8,637
This thread and other really good threads as well are found in the stickies at the top of the forum - this one is found under "about recovery"
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
https://www.soberrecovery.com/forums...c-reading.html (Classic Reading)
Member
Join Date: May 2022
Posts: 1
I needed this today..thank you. My alcoholic ex just cut the cord of our relationship and even though I've resented him for years it still hurt and I still feel rejected. Angry also because I have to move out during the worst real estate market. Plus, he thinks he can be sober now and not go to treatment. I keep telling myself I will no longer be living in fear. Why do I have feelings now?
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Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Originally Posted by LMichelle 
I needed this today..thank you. My alcoholic ex just cut the cord of our relationship and even though I've resented him for years it still hurt and I still feel rejected. Angry also because I have to move out during the worst real estate market. Plus, he thinks he can be sober now and not go to treatment. I keep telling myself I will no longer be living in fear. Why do I have feelings now?
I found it took quite a while for my body and mind to adjust when the alcoholic was gone from my life. We live in red alert for so long, it takes a long time for our bodies to settle down and relax again. To accept that we are now safe.
What really helped me was me putting focus on self care for me, allowing me to recover. To get my strength back.
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Join Date: Aug 2015
Location: Western US
Posts: 9,004
I haven't read this entire thread Michelle but I have often thought that being rejected by an alcoholic could be a bit of a compliment. No doubt it doesn't feel like it at the time.
Courage to you.
Courage to you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2017
Posts: 136
I’ve had a peaceful few months with exAH gone. I came home from work and there was “newly” sober exAH in my driveway on Friday. He wanted to let me know that he had spoken to someone from a rehab he’d been to in 2021 and he’s going to start AA meetings. I wished him luck and pointedly asked why he was here. It eventually came out that he had no money and he was going to lose his truck and his power would be cut off. I refused to give him money, but did call our son who held a cheque for him, because he knew he’d drink it away otherwise. I told exAH son would bring it to his place and that I hoped his recovery went well and he sticks with it.
I guess he started drinking again Saturday night and blamed me, because I wasn’t “there” for him, which is probably how he saw it roll out. Fair enough, my interpretation of those events is different, but agree to disagree I guess lol.
He did leave me a voice message (he’s blocked) saying not to tell his friend that he slept with his woman?? He also rambled on about me like he was leaving a voice message for someone else. The gist was I’m a horrible person because I used to do all for him and now I just want to be a **** and run around. A) I don’t have time to run around or meet anyone, I travel for work and work 13 hour days and; B) If it makes me horrible because I’ve finally gotten strong enough to walk away, and stay away, then I embrace being horrible!!
I guess he started drinking again Saturday night and blamed me, because I wasn’t “there” for him, which is probably how he saw it roll out. Fair enough, my interpretation of those events is different, but agree to disagree I guess lol.
He did leave me a voice message (he’s blocked) saying not to tell his friend that he slept with his woman?? He also rambled on about me like he was leaving a voice message for someone else. The gist was I’m a horrible person because I used to do all for him and now I just want to be a **** and run around. A) I don’t have time to run around or meet anyone, I travel for work and work 13 hour days and; B) If it makes me horrible because I’ve finally gotten strong enough to walk away, and stay away, then I embrace being horrible!!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2017
Location: uk
Posts: 2,428
Originally Posted by Sueby
I’ve had a peaceful few months with exAH gone. I came home from work and there was “newly” sober exAH in my driveway on Friday. He wanted to let me know that he had spoken to someone from a rehab he’d been to in 2021 and he’s going to start AA meetings. I wished him luck and pointedly asked why he was here. It eventually came out that he had no money and he was going to lose his truck and his power would be cut off. I refused to give him money, but did call our son who held a cheque for him, because he knew he’d drink it away otherwise. I told exAH son would bring it to his place and that I hoped his recovery went well and he sticks with it.
I guess he started drinking again Saturday night and blamed me, because I wasn’t “there” for him, which is probably how he saw it roll out. Fair enough, my interpretation of those events is different, but agree to disagree I guess lol.
He did leave me a voice message (he’s blocked) saying not to tell his friend that he slept with his woman?? He also rambled on about me like he was leaving a voice message for someone else. The gist was I’m a horrible person because I used to do all for him and now I just want to be a **** and run around. A) I don’t have time to run around or meet anyone, I travel for work and work 13 hour days and; B) If it makes me horrible because I’ve finally gotten strong enough to walk away, and stay away, then I embrace being horrible!!
I guess he started drinking again Saturday night and blamed me, because I wasn’t “there” for him, which is probably how he saw it roll out. Fair enough, my interpretation of those events is different, but agree to disagree I guess lol.
He did leave me a voice message (he’s blocked) saying not to tell his friend that he slept with his woman?? He also rambled on about me like he was leaving a voice message for someone else. The gist was I’m a horrible person because I used to do all for him and now I just want to be a **** and run around. A) I don’t have time to run around or meet anyone, I travel for work and work 13 hour days and; B) If it makes me horrible because I’ve finally gotten strong enough to walk away, and stay away, then I embrace being horrible!!
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