What would you do......"let it go"?
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 37
What would you do......"let it go"?
I'm at work, my AW calls and tells me that she's "stuck in the mud in the woods"! What? Yes, she drove her cherokee into the woods behind our subdivision to "check on a few things for the City" (she has a part time job for the city) and got stuck in the mud. I told her to leave it there until I got home and I'd pull it out.
I get home from work. Her jeep is in the driveway with the passenger side door smashed in, pieces of tree bark in the scratches and leaves stuck on the trim and the side view mirror broken. There's no mud anywhere on the jeep. She tells me, after several minutes of acting like she doesn't know what the problem is, that she called the police and they pulled her jeep out for her and during the process dented the door!
How would you handle this? Interestingly, the topic for this past week's AlAnon meeting was "letting it go". How can I let this go??? There are too many questions. Was she really in an accident? Was there someone else involved? Did she leave the scene of an accident? Did she actually get stuck in the mud? Why isn't there mud on the jeep? Did the police actually pull her out and damage the jeep? If they did, shouldn't the City pay for the damages?
how does one "let go"???
what do you do?
I get home from work. Her jeep is in the driveway with the passenger side door smashed in, pieces of tree bark in the scratches and leaves stuck on the trim and the side view mirror broken. There's no mud anywhere on the jeep. She tells me, after several minutes of acting like she doesn't know what the problem is, that she called the police and they pulled her jeep out for her and during the process dented the door!
How would you handle this? Interestingly, the topic for this past week's AlAnon meeting was "letting it go". How can I let this go??? There are too many questions. Was she really in an accident? Was there someone else involved? Did she leave the scene of an accident? Did she actually get stuck in the mud? Why isn't there mud on the jeep? Did the police actually pull her out and damage the jeep? If they did, shouldn't the City pay for the damages?
how does one "let go"???
what do you do?
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
The police don't tow, they call a service to tow.
Add your observation that no mud is on the jeep, and indeed it does sound like she cooked up a story to cover the real incident. Perhaps she ran off the road, and hit a tree or something. You ought to check under the jeep to see if there is any vegetation on the undercarriage.
Things like this really go far in building trust, don't they? Sorry you are going through this.
Add your observation that no mud is on the jeep, and indeed it does sound like she cooked up a story to cover the real incident. Perhaps she ran off the road, and hit a tree or something. You ought to check under the jeep to see if there is any vegetation on the undercarriage.
Things like this really go far in building trust, don't they? Sorry you are going through this.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Having suspicions as to what really happened makes it difficult but yup, let it go. In a way it doesn't matter what really happened does it? She's not telling the truth obviously. It could be any number of scenarios. All of them, hers to deal with.
Of course it does highlight how her behaviors and actions can impact you. At the least there is the expense of getting the car fixed. But there is the potential for Lord knows what if there was an accident, if someone else was involved, if someone else was hurt, etc.
Take whatever actions you can to protect yourself legally and financially and let it go.
Of course it does highlight how her behaviors and actions can impact you. At the least there is the expense of getting the car fixed. But there is the potential for Lord knows what if there was an accident, if someone else was involved, if someone else was hurt, etc.
Take whatever actions you can to protect yourself legally and financially and let it go.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2006
Location: Milton, WI
Posts: 105
What a fabulous opportunity to practice trusting your higher power!
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in this world by accident, all is as it needs for be for all parties involved!
If the program works, then we need to work it! We need to stop judging others, and work on self. How fabulous is that, now you are free to spent time with you! :-)
Much love and light!~Cheryl
Nothing, absolutely nothing happens in this world by accident, all is as it needs for be for all parties involved!
If the program works, then we need to work it! We need to stop judging others, and work on self. How fabulous is that, now you are free to spent time with you! :-)
Much love and light!~Cheryl
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Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Gosh, spike, are you actually wondering if an alcoholic LIED to you??
DON'T help her IN ANY WAY deal with the car incident.
More chaos to follow....you can count on it.
Keep recovering.
DON'T help her IN ANY WAY deal with the car incident.
More chaos to follow....you can count on it.
Keep recovering.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2008
Location: St. Louis, MO
Posts: 25
Sounds fishy to me as well. I 2nd Barbara52's advice above.
If her story turns around and she admits that she was driving while intoxicated and this happened and my name was on the title of the vehicle and the insurance was in my name, I'd have a very difficult time of letting it turn into water under the bridge. In the end, it's my wallet that will have to pay for any damages and the "what ifs". I would put some serious boundaries in place if that turned out to be the truth... No keys, no driving my car, etc.
On the other hand, if she hit something while she was sober and is just lying about it, I'd let it go. People make mistakes.
I'm not saying to put pressure on her to fess up (if you truly believe she's lying), but if the truth eventually comes out, I'd decide at that point in time whether or not it is something to let go. Until then, there's really nothing you can do until she takes responsibility for her actions. Focus on yourself and work through your anger, resentment, confusion. You will only drive yourself crazy trying to get to the bottom of a mystery and at this point is unsolvable and may end up that way forever. So, for now, switch gears back to you and leave it to be her problem.
If her story turns around and she admits that she was driving while intoxicated and this happened and my name was on the title of the vehicle and the insurance was in my name, I'd have a very difficult time of letting it turn into water under the bridge. In the end, it's my wallet that will have to pay for any damages and the "what ifs". I would put some serious boundaries in place if that turned out to be the truth... No keys, no driving my car, etc.
On the other hand, if she hit something while she was sober and is just lying about it, I'd let it go. People make mistakes.
I'm not saying to put pressure on her to fess up (if you truly believe she's lying), but if the truth eventually comes out, I'd decide at that point in time whether or not it is something to let go. Until then, there's really nothing you can do until she takes responsibility for her actions. Focus on yourself and work through your anger, resentment, confusion. You will only drive yourself crazy trying to get to the bottom of a mystery and at this point is unsolvable and may end up that way forever. So, for now, switch gears back to you and leave it to be her problem.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by catlovermi 
I can assure you that if she drives under the influence, and kills someone, the other parties will not "let it go."
They will sue YOU for every dime you have, if you are legally attached to the drunk driver.
They will sue YOU for every dime you have, if you are legally attached to the drunk driver.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
I don't "let go" of anything when it has the potential for causing me extreme financial difficulty, which is what often happens when you're married to the alcoholic.
If this is something that may affect you financially as a family, you owe it to yourself to find out what's really happened. If she has damaged someone else's property on city time, if she's going to lose her job because of this, if your insurance premiums will suffer as a result of this, if (god forbid) she's hurt someone, you're going to find out about it soon enough anyway.
For me, I prefer to see these things coming before they hit me.
Plus, I'm unwilling to live with a liar. And it sounds like that's what's happening there.
Sorry you're going through this, aball. You don't have to, but only you can decide when you've had enough.
If this is something that may affect you financially as a family, you owe it to yourself to find out what's really happened. If she has damaged someone else's property on city time, if she's going to lose her job because of this, if your insurance premiums will suffer as a result of this, if (god forbid) she's hurt someone, you're going to find out about it soon enough anyway.
For me, I prefer to see these things coming before they hit me.
Plus, I'm unwilling to live with a liar. And it sounds like that's what's happening there.
Sorry you're going through this, aball. You don't have to, but only you can decide when you've had enough.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 37
That's the problem with me.....detaching, letting go....
How can you do these when doing so still leaves you in a position where you have to deal with the consequences of the alcoholic's actions? She smashed the car, let her deal with it. Yeah, but here comes the rate hike in insurance, or hear comes the police summons for leaving the scene of an accident, or a bill from a property owner for destruction of a tree. Outwardly, I can act like I don't care, it's her problem. But, inside I'm stressed out.
How can you do these when doing so still leaves you in a position where you have to deal with the consequences of the alcoholic's actions? She smashed the car, let her deal with it. Yeah, but here comes the rate hike in insurance, or hear comes the police summons for leaving the scene of an accident, or a bill from a property owner for destruction of a tree. Outwardly, I can act like I don't care, it's her problem. But, inside I'm stressed out.
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Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
And those are just some of the many tough choices spouses of alcoholics have to make. When weighing those and many other risks against the benefits of the marriage, I had to make the choice to divorce. It's a hard decision to make, but on a purely cost/benefit basis, it's a no-brainer.
L
L
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by spikedaball
That's the problem with me.....detaching, letting go....
How can you do these when doing so still leaves you in a position where you have to deal with the consequences of the alcoholic's actions? She smashed the car, let her deal with it. Yeah, but here comes the rate hike in insurance, or hear comes the police summons for leaving the scene of an accident, or a bill from a property owner for destruction of a tree. Outwardly, I can act like I don't care, it's her problem. But, inside I'm stressed out.
How can you do these when doing so still leaves you in a position where you have to deal with the consequences of the alcoholic's actions? She smashed the car, let her deal with it. Yeah, but here comes the rate hike in insurance, or hear comes the police summons for leaving the scene of an accident, or a bill from a property owner for destruction of a tree. Outwardly, I can act like I don't care, it's her problem. But, inside I'm stressed out.
Alcoholism is a progressive disease.
Things are only going to get worse, much worse.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by spikedaball
but here comes the rate hike in insurance
Originally Posted by spikedaball
or hear comes the police summons for leaving the scene of an accident, or a bill from a property owner for destruction of a tree.
Originally Posted by spikedaball
Outwardly, I can act like I don't care, it's her problem. But, inside I'm stressed out.
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Join Date: May 2009
Location: Powell River, British Columbia Canada
Posts: 12
i have been in 2 car accident and absolutly no way did the police tow my car from where it was they called a tow truck. i hit a telephone pole and the whole drivers side of my car had a big dent in it along with lots of scratches and smashed drivers window passinger window and front window. if you are very worried about how this may affect you and are worried about if it was a leave the scene of a accident type thing is it possible to call the police station and find out if they 1 tow cars and 2 have any knowledge of a vechical that is your type and color has been in a accident?
michele
michele
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Join Date: Oct 2008
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I don't agree with 'letting it go'. Lets look at it this way. You two are married, albeit she is an alcoholic, you still have a responsibility to one another especially when it involves joint finances. She isn't taking her responsibility regarding being 'in' the relationship, but you have this automobile that has damage, you do not know what happened, and you have every right to NOT sweep it under the rug. The rug starts getting into a mountain that you can't begin to climb, all for the sake of 'letting it go'. I say, if you are stressing out about this, then take care of it the best way you know how as the husband. It may not be what everyone else would want you to do, or that you may have been instructed to do, but all in all who has to go to bed at night in a panic? Who gets to sit in your house with you at the end of the day when your head is in your hands not knowing what really went on? None of us. We all can offer you advice, but you know what you need to do. Letting go in love is one thing, but not taking care of business because you are suppose to 'let go' to force someone to take responsibility they obviously can't handle is another thing. You have to face yourself at the end of the day, do what you feel is the right thing to do for you and your situation.
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Join Date: Jun 2008
Location: Hoosier Daddy?
Posts: 63
Having lived with more than one or two addicts, I believe I have the answer, in fact, the TRUTH to this dilemma... the tree is to blame! I mean, how many times have I been driving along, minding my own business, and one of those damn things jumps out and puts a huge dent in the side of my vehicle? Hell, the trees are probably responsible for a cell phone being turned off, bills not being paid, and unexplained losses of time and memory as well. And OMG, now that I reflect, they must have been responsible for MY lack of a sex life as well! I don't know exactly how... but they were... I just KNOW it.
I apologize for the sarcasm. But I've been stuck in the mud a time or two and, when being towed from said mud, have never had the kind of velocity required to cause the kind of damage you describe... all the while having no mud on the vehicle though the bark and leaves remain. Even if she washed it trying to cover her tracks, wouldn't she at least have removed the leaves? Not to play CSI, but come on.
I agree with GiveLove... this is about accountability for her... not about your maintaining peace in household. You have options and MY program of recovery does not mean that I lie down to be a doormat when the feasibility of consequences that effect me exist. I agree obsessing is unhealthy, but you can easily verify this 'account' by contacting the police to see if the vehicle was towed... I mean, you have some liability here as well and I don't believe waiting for a knock on the door is defensible in court. My opinion is that 'letting it go' may be the program thing to do, but is it the moral thing to do? Do what you can to protect yourself, and we know addicts are experts at skirting the sytem, but you do have choices and an opportunity to combat the 'effects' of the disease upon you.
MY program teaches me to be more ASSERTIVE though not AGGRESSIVE. It often feels uncomforatble, however, because exerting my choices and entitlement to 'truth' is unnatural, 'different', and aggressive to me. At some point, however, I have to ask myself if not being freely offered the 'truth' is an aspect of a relationship I can accept. Should I really even have an indredient of doubt in the recipe of a healthy realationship?
Please allow me to ensure you that you are NOT crazy or wrong for having doubt, brother. You sound a reasonable, logical, and intelligent man... and a man who needs some affirmation... one of the greatest 'effects' I have suffered from loving the addicted is the loss of trust in my own thinking.
Sorry to be long-winded, but I understand where your are so completely. My OPINION is that you can do what you can because you have stake in this... and then "let it go". JMHO
Many Blessings,
Shaman
I apologize for the sarcasm. But I've been stuck in the mud a time or two and, when being towed from said mud, have never had the kind of velocity required to cause the kind of damage you describe... all the while having no mud on the vehicle though the bark and leaves remain. Even if she washed it trying to cover her tracks, wouldn't she at least have removed the leaves? Not to play CSI, but come on.
I agree with GiveLove... this is about accountability for her... not about your maintaining peace in household. You have options and MY program of recovery does not mean that I lie down to be a doormat when the feasibility of consequences that effect me exist. I agree obsessing is unhealthy, but you can easily verify this 'account' by contacting the police to see if the vehicle was towed... I mean, you have some liability here as well and I don't believe waiting for a knock on the door is defensible in court. My opinion is that 'letting it go' may be the program thing to do, but is it the moral thing to do? Do what you can to protect yourself, and we know addicts are experts at skirting the sytem, but you do have choices and an opportunity to combat the 'effects' of the disease upon you.
MY program teaches me to be more ASSERTIVE though not AGGRESSIVE. It often feels uncomforatble, however, because exerting my choices and entitlement to 'truth' is unnatural, 'different', and aggressive to me. At some point, however, I have to ask myself if not being freely offered the 'truth' is an aspect of a relationship I can accept. Should I really even have an indredient of doubt in the recipe of a healthy realationship?
Please allow me to ensure you that you are NOT crazy or wrong for having doubt, brother. You sound a reasonable, logical, and intelligent man... and a man who needs some affirmation... one of the greatest 'effects' I have suffered from loving the addicted is the loss of trust in my own thinking.
Sorry to be long-winded, but I understand where your are so completely. My OPINION is that you can do what you can because you have stake in this... and then "let it go". JMHO
Many Blessings,
Shaman
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Originally Posted by spikedaball
That's the problem with me.....detaching, letting go....
How can you do these when doing so still leaves you in a position where you have to deal with the consequences of the alcoholic's actions? She smashed the car, let her deal with it. Yeah, but here comes the rate hike in insurance, or hear comes the police summons for leaving the scene of an accident, or a bill from a property owner for destruction of a tree. Outwardly, I can act like I don't care, it's her problem. But, inside I'm stressed out.
How can you do these when doing so still leaves you in a position where you have to deal with the consequences of the alcoholic's actions? She smashed the car, let her deal with it. Yeah, but here comes the rate hike in insurance, or hear comes the police summons for leaving the scene of an accident, or a bill from a property owner for destruction of a tree. Outwardly, I can act like I don't care, it's her problem. But, inside I'm stressed out.
LaTeeDaa is right... those are tough things to deal with, but accumulatively, they are a no brainer!
Life is too short for this crap.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
My half a cent here
Letting go is similar to "choosing your battles wisely" and that means discernment... if there is something you cannot control, but does not affect your well being or has anything to offer you (such as gossip), well, you let it go....
NOW another thing is to have your wife involved in a car accident, lying and all the financial/practical aspects of the aftermath... of course there is stuff to sort out, to handle, to talk about, its "a battle" worth fighting!! letting go is not equal to doing nothing. Letting go is being responsible to oneself, and know when actions are needed, and when to protect your peace when something you do not control is going on and has the potential/intention to harm you - but you do not let it.
Money comes and goes and can get you through this. No one else was affected as far as we know. So, in reality you are "safe" compared to what could have happened with a reckless driver on the road.
Now the tough questions. Are you willing to have a lier as a partner? Are you willing to have someone that affects your finances and well being with her actions? Are you willing to pay the price of this and worse things? When would be "too much"? Are you going to wait when someone else dies? Or she dies? There is no sign at all this won't happen again, is there? Obviously, you are hurt, angry and worried. Does she notice? Does she care? What will happen when you face another life event that saddens or troubles you? Is she going to be there for you? Is she there for you now?
If you turn off the sound - what do you SEE by her actions alone?
Letting go is similar to "choosing your battles wisely" and that means discernment... if there is something you cannot control, but does not affect your well being or has anything to offer you (such as gossip), well, you let it go....
NOW another thing is to have your wife involved in a car accident, lying and all the financial/practical aspects of the aftermath... of course there is stuff to sort out, to handle, to talk about, its "a battle" worth fighting!! letting go is not equal to doing nothing. Letting go is being responsible to oneself, and know when actions are needed, and when to protect your peace when something you do not control is going on and has the potential/intention to harm you - but you do not let it.
Money comes and goes and can get you through this. No one else was affected as far as we know. So, in reality you are "safe" compared to what could have happened with a reckless driver on the road.
Now the tough questions. Are you willing to have a lier as a partner? Are you willing to have someone that affects your finances and well being with her actions? Are you willing to pay the price of this and worse things? When would be "too much"? Are you going to wait when someone else dies? Or she dies? There is no sign at all this won't happen again, is there? Obviously, you are hurt, angry and worried. Does she notice? Does she care? What will happen when you face another life event that saddens or troubles you? Is she going to be there for you? Is she there for you now?
If you turn off the sound - what do you SEE by her actions alone?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
I agree w/ B-52 - "Letting go" isn't just in the mind. There are practical physical things you can do to literally detach yourself from these kinds of drama and dangers like, as mentioned, complete separation of finances/insurance/titles etc.
It's a start.
I can't stand lies either - but just like with a child - don't waste your breath trying to prove to her that you know she's lying.
You know she's lying. Act accordingly.
Good luck.
peace,
b
It's a start.
I can't stand lies either - but just like with a child - don't waste your breath trying to prove to her that you know she's lying.
You know she's lying. Act accordingly.
Good luck.
peace,
b
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