Feeling frustrated!!!!
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
Feeling frustrated!!!!
Ok - I just finished instant messaging with my A. Man is he really in denial!
I was honest with him and laid down the line and told him I can't be around him anymore when he drinks.
I told him that if we both focus on ourselves and make ourselves happy then maybe we can eventually come together.
I had given him some literature on marriage counseling and alcoholism a few days ago (he knows he's an alcoholic, but thinks he can fix himself).
He started in with how he wanted to talk the last few days, but I always went up to bed. I asked him if he had ever told me he wanted to talk and he just said "what was I supposed to say when you tell me you're going to bed?". I told him he could have said he wanted to talk and follow me upstairs. The only response I received was "did you read those papers too or were they just for me?".
When talking about his drinking, he kept telling me how he feels like he is the only one that has to change. And how can he change when I don't want to be around him (he gives me maybe two straight days without drinking and I'm supposed to act like I did when we first got married). I told him that I thought I have been more than supportive during our marriage.
When I broached him going to AA meetings, he just ignored them. I told him I was going to start going to Alanon. I also told him that it's hard for us to recover if he continues to drink and that every time he does, we take 2 steps backwards. But he doesn't want to give it up.
I told him it was up to him whether or not to quit and me to decide whether or not I could live with it.
Am I crazy or is he just in typical denial? Is this what I can expect for a while? Will he ever wake up? Ughhh...I hate having these discussions with him!!!!
Very frustrated,
Kitkat
I was honest with him and laid down the line and told him I can't be around him anymore when he drinks.
I told him that if we both focus on ourselves and make ourselves happy then maybe we can eventually come together.
I had given him some literature on marriage counseling and alcoholism a few days ago (he knows he's an alcoholic, but thinks he can fix himself).
He started in with how he wanted to talk the last few days, but I always went up to bed. I asked him if he had ever told me he wanted to talk and he just said "what was I supposed to say when you tell me you're going to bed?". I told him he could have said he wanted to talk and follow me upstairs. The only response I received was "did you read those papers too or were they just for me?".
When talking about his drinking, he kept telling me how he feels like he is the only one that has to change. And how can he change when I don't want to be around him (he gives me maybe two straight days without drinking and I'm supposed to act like I did when we first got married). I told him that I thought I have been more than supportive during our marriage.
When I broached him going to AA meetings, he just ignored them. I told him I was going to start going to Alanon. I also told him that it's hard for us to recover if he continues to drink and that every time he does, we take 2 steps backwards. But he doesn't want to give it up.
I told him it was up to him whether or not to quit and me to decide whether or not I could live with it.
Am I crazy or is he just in typical denial? Is this what I can expect for a while? Will he ever wake up? Ughhh...I hate having these discussions with him!!!!
Very frustrated,
Kitkat
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Join Date: May 2003
Location: Southern Maryland
Posts: 169
no you are not crazy...........
From reading the posts of recovered alcoholics, I learned that they REALLY struggle(d) with the concept of never drinking again in the future.
Even when they know there's a problem, and they know they can't keeping drinking large quantities.... they still can't DEAL with the thought of not having at least ONE once in a while.
Of course, once they have one, it becomes more and the cycle repeats itself.
Sounds like your A is at that point: He knows that in order to keep himself in check, he can't even have one drink; YET he is in total fear of the future without that "just one" when he needs it.
Keep on with your life. Who knows how long he'll sit on the fence about never having alcohol (which is what it will take to recover).
Even when they know there's a problem, and they know they can't keeping drinking large quantities.... they still can't DEAL with the thought of not having at least ONE once in a while.
Of course, once they have one, it becomes more and the cycle repeats itself.
Sounds like your A is at that point: He knows that in order to keep himself in check, he can't even have one drink; YET he is in total fear of the future without that "just one" when he needs it.
Keep on with your life. Who knows how long he'll sit on the fence about never having alcohol (which is what it will take to recover).
Member
Join Date: Feb 2003
Location: New York
Posts: 211
You're not crazy.
A bit frustrated, yes, but crazy, I don't think so.
Denial is a powerful thing. At least he says he has a problem. That's a start. You have probably heard many times that you can't make him stop. HE has to want to stop on his own.
When my husband was drinking (in recovery since March of this year) the idea of AA was something he laughed at. He basically said 'that's not for me'. Well, after ending up in the hospital (following a beating he can't remember) someone from the detox unit asked him if he needed help. Thank god he said "yes". His recovery began then in the hospital, then with outpatient counseling and AA (he still goes once a week to outpatient counseling and AA meetings almost every night (2 a night on occasion).
Well, I don't mean to go on about my situation. I just remember how I longed for him to GET HELP in the past. Fortunately he is getting help.
I hope your husband and all the others out there who are struggeling with this illness can get the help they need. My husband recently told me that he doesn't feel like he's missing out on a thing. He is happy to now be an active part of our family again.
NoDoubt
A bit frustrated, yes, but crazy, I don't think so.
Denial is a powerful thing. At least he says he has a problem. That's a start. You have probably heard many times that you can't make him stop. HE has to want to stop on his own.
When my husband was drinking (in recovery since March of this year) the idea of AA was something he laughed at. He basically said 'that's not for me'. Well, after ending up in the hospital (following a beating he can't remember) someone from the detox unit asked him if he needed help. Thank god he said "yes". His recovery began then in the hospital, then with outpatient counseling and AA (he still goes once a week to outpatient counseling and AA meetings almost every night (2 a night on occasion).
Well, I don't mean to go on about my situation. I just remember how I longed for him to GET HELP in the past. Fortunately he is getting help.
I hope your husband and all the others out there who are struggeling with this illness can get the help they need. My husband recently told me that he doesn't feel like he's missing out on a thing. He is happy to now be an active part of our family again.
NoDoubt
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Aug 2003
Location: El Cajon, CA
Posts: 88
Thanks guys!!n Well, he is definitely in denial. After work, he called me and said I was right...that he can't drink anymore. When I asked him if he was going to get help, he just laughed and said that he can handle it himself. He says he doesn't need AA and won't go to their meetings because all they are are deadbeats who live out of their cars and all they do is cry about how their life stinks (of course we all know that isn't true). So, he's just going to try it on his own, somehow I am not convinced that it will work. How many times have heard him say this before? Oh well, I am at the point where if he does drink again or if his "addictive" behavior sticks around, then I'm leaving. I just can't take the ups and downs. Of course, he is expecting me to accept him with open arms and be the loving wife he used to know, I'm afraid he's going to be disappointed, because I just can't trust him at this point. It'll take a long time before that trust is back.
Wish me luck!!
Kitkat
Wish me luck!!
Kitkat
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Join Date: Dec 2002
Location: ohio
Posts: 322
HI Kitkat
sounds like your at a point of knowing you need help.
He may just not be at the point you are at.
The main thing is to get your self to a meeting and work on
the things you can do something about..and as I am learning
I can do something about me,over that I am not powerless.
Alonon asks that you make no large decisions for at least
six months until you are working your own recovery and
our heads starts to think clearly again.
I wish you lots of luck and send hugs your way-we have all
been through so much but there is a way back to sanity.
liddy
sounds like your at a point of knowing you need help.
He may just not be at the point you are at.
The main thing is to get your self to a meeting and work on
the things you can do something about..and as I am learning
I can do something about me,over that I am not powerless.
Alonon asks that you make no large decisions for at least
six months until you are working your own recovery and
our heads starts to think clearly again.
I wish you lots of luck and send hugs your way-we have all
been through so much but there is a way back to sanity.
liddy
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