a rocky road ahead!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 5
a rocky road ahead!
I just registered today.
I'm a wife to a husband who binge drinks.
He just got his 2nd DUI on sunday.
He doesnt drink everyday or even every weekend, it's when there's a "guys night out" or a sporting event or party/event, he tends to let go & over do it to the extreme
We had a plan to avoid this so he could go have fun without taking a risk or stressing me out & that was to stay & sleep it off or get a ride home, but both times he "thought" he was ok & well he got caught
I took the Al-Anon questionaire & was surprised how many I answered "yes" to!
In some ways Im glad it happened so he will "wake up" & things will change, but in other ways I worry he will pull the ole "I dont have a problem cause I dont drink all the time" excuse & I will be back to worrying & making myself sick over it all!
Right now I dont know what the future holds for us cause I am not convinced he is ready to change. He has been very withdrawn, but my family says its cause he is going thru alot in his head cause he knows he screwed up.
Theres so much I want to say & ask I don't even know where to begin!
I'm sad & confused
I'm just grateful there is a place to talk to others about this & maybe get some help & support cause I really need some right now!
I'm a wife to a husband who binge drinks.
He just got his 2nd DUI on sunday.
He doesnt drink everyday or even every weekend, it's when there's a "guys night out" or a sporting event or party/event, he tends to let go & over do it to the extreme
We had a plan to avoid this so he could go have fun without taking a risk or stressing me out & that was to stay & sleep it off or get a ride home, but both times he "thought" he was ok & well he got caught
I took the Al-Anon questionaire & was surprised how many I answered "yes" to!
In some ways Im glad it happened so he will "wake up" & things will change, but in other ways I worry he will pull the ole "I dont have a problem cause I dont drink all the time" excuse & I will be back to worrying & making myself sick over it all!
Right now I dont know what the future holds for us cause I am not convinced he is ready to change. He has been very withdrawn, but my family says its cause he is going thru alot in his head cause he knows he screwed up.
Theres so much I want to say & ask I don't even know where to begin!
I'm sad & confused
I'm just grateful there is a place to talk to others about this & maybe get some help & support cause I really need some right now!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Welcome to SR! In addition to reading the stickies at the top and attending Alanon meetings, you might want to get ahold of a book called "Codependent No More." It surely opened my eyes to a lot of my codependent behaviors.
My 'qualifier' for Alanon is my alcoholic daughter, aged 31, and I was also married to an alcoholic/addict.
Alanon will help you learn to focus on yourself, and what you can do to make your life better, in spite of what the alcoholic is doing.
Although I hope his DUI is a wakeup call, I would have my doubts. We alcoholics very seldom have remorse for something for any extended period of time because, well, we are alcoholics!
I was a binge drinker too, and had trouble grasping that I was indeed an alcoholic because my warped version was a wino drinking out of a brown paper bag and living under a bridge.
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among folks who understand.
:ghug :ghug
My 'qualifier' for Alanon is my alcoholic daughter, aged 31, and I was also married to an alcoholic/addict.
Alanon will help you learn to focus on yourself, and what you can do to make your life better, in spite of what the alcoholic is doing.
Although I hope his DUI is a wakeup call, I would have my doubts. We alcoholics very seldom have remorse for something for any extended period of time because, well, we are alcoholics!
I was a binge drinker too, and had trouble grasping that I was indeed an alcoholic because my warped version was a wino drinking out of a brown paper bag and living under a bridge.
I hope you continue to post, and know that you are among folks who understand.
:ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I'm sorry you are going thru this but glad you are here.
My first suggestion is to make sure yo are protected legally from any consequences of his actions. Law differe from state to state but some confiscate cars after a certain number of violations for instance.
I also wouldn't count on this being his bottom. there is no way of predicting jsut what can cause an individual alcoholic to admit to their addcition and sincerely seek sobriety.
But regardless of what he does, you can learn to help yourself get through what ever comes your way. You can learn about setting boundaries and about what makes you tick, leading you to be in a marriage to an alcoholic and what you can change about your self and your life to make your life better no matter what he chooses to do.
My first suggestion is to make sure yo are protected legally from any consequences of his actions. Law differe from state to state but some confiscate cars after a certain number of violations for instance.
I also wouldn't count on this being his bottom. there is no way of predicting jsut what can cause an individual alcoholic to admit to their addcition and sincerely seek sobriety.
But regardless of what he does, you can learn to help yourself get through what ever comes your way. You can learn about setting boundaries and about what makes you tick, leading you to be in a marriage to an alcoholic and what you can change about your self and your life to make your life better no matter what he chooses to do.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Wow. Two DUI's. Considering that most alcoholics never get caught driving drunk, even the daily drinkers, I'd say either your H has lousy luck or he is in an advanced stage of alcoholism. And when you say "we had a plan" for when he over-drinks, I know for sure you have crossed the line into codependency. This is the outcome for anyone in relationship with an addict. We become involved in ways to out-think the addiction, control the out of control drinking, and we try to avoid confronting what must be confronted: that our partner is an addict and by definition this means that he cannot control on any consistent basis Where he drinks, How Much he drinks, or When he drinks. His drinking is OUT OF CONTROL.
This means he cannot be trusted....on every level.
And it means your life is going to become a whirlwind of chaos because nothing will ever be consistent and dependable in your marriage and your home.
So I am so sorry you are sad and confused. Please don't withdraw from the world into sickness with him. Please find an Al-Anon meeting you like and just get out of the house every week and go listen. Please find a counselor if you can afford one. And please do not listen to family explanations for why he is withdrawn: he is withdrawn because he has lost interest in people, in his marriage....for he is obsessed with his next drink. It doesn't matter if there are weeks or months between the drinks (I am guessing he drinks more than you know). It's become his primary focus.
Welcome to this forum and post whenever you like. The important thing is to never become isolated or keep secrets about the problems, for when you do, the disease--and he--will be in control. Do take care. Things are serious.
This means he cannot be trusted....on every level.
And it means your life is going to become a whirlwind of chaos because nothing will ever be consistent and dependable in your marriage and your home.
So I am so sorry you are sad and confused. Please don't withdraw from the world into sickness with him. Please find an Al-Anon meeting you like and just get out of the house every week and go listen. Please find a counselor if you can afford one. And please do not listen to family explanations for why he is withdrawn: he is withdrawn because he has lost interest in people, in his marriage....for he is obsessed with his next drink. It doesn't matter if there are weeks or months between the drinks (I am guessing he drinks more than you know). It's become his primary focus.
Welcome to this forum and post whenever you like. The important thing is to never become isolated or keep secrets about the problems, for when you do, the disease--and he--will be in control. Do take care. Things are serious.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Welcome partyover,
Know there are many who have walked the same path -and have gone through much worse events- and currently live a fulfilling life, full of love and joy.
Know as well, that you are not alone.
I am sad about the events thast brought you here, but I am glad you found SR - there is much strength and wisdom going on at these forums.
Please keep posting, we care very much!
((Hugs))
Know there are many who have walked the same path -and have gone through much worse events- and currently live a fulfilling life, full of love and joy.
Know as well, that you are not alone.
I am sad about the events thast brought you here, but I am glad you found SR - there is much strength and wisdom going on at these forums.
Please keep posting, we care very much!
((Hugs))
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Posts: 5
Thank you for all your input.
As of right now he is willing to do whatever it takes to make things right.
I wasn't born yesterday and its gonna take alot more than that to prove to me he's gonna change. I have no problem protecting me & my daughter and leaving if we had to and he knows it! I made that clear!
The "plan" was set in place so he could go out & have fun with the guys & so I wouldn't have to worry about him.
I've had my share of girls nights out(with the plan) & I've overdone it, but I grew out of it cause it gets old & I hated being hungover, I leave that to the 21yr olds!
What he failed to realize that if you go to bed at 3am & wake up at 5am you are not ok yet! That is what happened with both DUIs. He stayed and slept for a few hours & woke up about 5-6am to come home thinking he slept it off enough~NOPE!
He never drank on a daily basis or even a weekly basis & thats why I think he thought we didn't have a problem. Its when he would go out with the boys or we had a family function on his side of the family thats he drinks & sometimes alot.
Currently there is almost no liquor in the house, but that will all go bye bye.
He met with an attorney yesterday.
This has definitely been a life altering experience
As of right now he is willing to do whatever it takes to make things right.
I wasn't born yesterday and its gonna take alot more than that to prove to me he's gonna change. I have no problem protecting me & my daughter and leaving if we had to and he knows it! I made that clear!
The "plan" was set in place so he could go out & have fun with the guys & so I wouldn't have to worry about him.
I've had my share of girls nights out(with the plan) & I've overdone it, but I grew out of it cause it gets old & I hated being hungover, I leave that to the 21yr olds!
What he failed to realize that if you go to bed at 3am & wake up at 5am you are not ok yet! That is what happened with both DUIs. He stayed and slept for a few hours & woke up about 5-6am to come home thinking he slept it off enough~NOPE!
He never drank on a daily basis or even a weekly basis & thats why I think he thought we didn't have a problem. Its when he would go out with the boys or we had a family function on his side of the family thats he drinks & sometimes alot.
Currently there is almost no liquor in the house, but that will all go bye bye.
He met with an attorney yesterday.
This has definitely been a life altering experience
peaceful seabird
Join Date: Sep 2008
Location: floating
Posts: 4,822
Welcome to the SR family!
I'm sorry you are having to go through this situation.
Read and post as much as you need.
I started attending Al-anon meetings earlier this year. It has really helped me keep my focus and sanity. It's a relief to be in a room with others who know what you have been through. Even if it's only for one hour each week, it helps. I have found in the Al-anon community and here at SR that the alcoholic's name, age, gender, and drink of choice can differ from family to family but the results are the same. Chaos.
Please keep us posted, and take care of yourself and your children!
Peace and hugs
I'm sorry you are having to go through this situation.
Read and post as much as you need.
I started attending Al-anon meetings earlier this year. It has really helped me keep my focus and sanity. It's a relief to be in a room with others who know what you have been through. Even if it's only for one hour each week, it helps. I have found in the Al-anon community and here at SR that the alcoholic's name, age, gender, and drink of choice can differ from family to family but the results are the same. Chaos.
Please keep us posted, and take care of yourself and your children!
Peace and hugs
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