Do I need a baseball bat?
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Join Date: Jan 2009
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Do I need a baseball bat?
It's been a while since I posted but I've been lurking around and getting strength from others around here.
Quick summary: last October I had the police remove my ABF from the home. I had him leave many times before, he'd find an apt. or stay with a friend for awhile. The last time, he begged to come back, cried even, saying he knew he had a problem and would do anything to come back. I fell for it and let him back in. He actually stayed sober for 2 months. At the time I thought that was enough. I didn't realize he needed to be working a program. I thought he can stay sober if he wants to since he's doing it now. We went to a football game and he stayed in the bathroom quite a bit. I started noticing him acting "funny". I wanted to believe he was just excited about the game, but I soon realized he was drunk. Needless to say I reacted as he expected I would. It was a couple days later, what could have been a nice family thing, passing out candy to the neighborhood kids for trick or treat. He started slurring his words. I can't stand that. I thought "those parents wouldn't bring their kids to my house if they knew he "had a buzz" as he puts it. He can be slurring words and stumbling but he just has a buzz. Whatever.
So he moved out. We continue to see each other, usually on his weekends off, he works every other weekend. Sometimes a day during the week. I really set some boundaries and began distancing myself from him. He knows when he wants to spend time with me, it is alcohol free. I don't want to talk to him on the phone and hear him slurring. I hang up on him (that makes me the bad guy). Last November he lost his license due to DUI. I wouldn't take him to work but let him catch a ride with fellow employees. But yesterday he wanted to spend the evening with me. Turns out his usual ride was scheduled off and he didn't have a ride to work.
He got one over on me .He came over, we had a nice sober time and he fixed dinner and even hung up the hummingbird feeder, simple family things. I thought it was nice. So I took him to work this morning. Did I enable? I don't know but while he was getting a shower I had a feeling to look in his stuff and found 2 cans of beer hidden in his clothes. For a second I took them out so he would know I found them without me saying anything. But I thought there was no point to that. So I put them back. I didn't say anything and don't know if I should. If I do, then that makes me "crazy" for looking through his things.
On the way to work I "invited" him to spend the night tonight since he is off tomorrow. I could take him home on my way to work. He had his overnight bag and I suggested leaving it in the car so he could spend the night again. He acted like he might, but took his bag in to work with him. So I wouldn't "find the beer" no doubt. Too late. Then this evening after work, he never mentioned coming over. He's off tomorrow and I guess he wants to get his drunk on starting tonight. Not to mention he doesn't need a ride in to work so he doesn't need to spend the night.
I don't think he drank the beer he brought over coz he bought ice cream and ate that. He usually does that when abstaining from drink and never ever craves ice cream when he has been drinking. But the fact is he brought it.
Do I need a baseball bat up side my head to knock some sense into me?
My boyfriend is off tomorrow. You would think he would want to spend the night with me if he could.
Quick summary: last October I had the police remove my ABF from the home. I had him leave many times before, he'd find an apt. or stay with a friend for awhile. The last time, he begged to come back, cried even, saying he knew he had a problem and would do anything to come back. I fell for it and let him back in. He actually stayed sober for 2 months. At the time I thought that was enough. I didn't realize he needed to be working a program. I thought he can stay sober if he wants to since he's doing it now. We went to a football game and he stayed in the bathroom quite a bit. I started noticing him acting "funny". I wanted to believe he was just excited about the game, but I soon realized he was drunk. Needless to say I reacted as he expected I would. It was a couple days later, what could have been a nice family thing, passing out candy to the neighborhood kids for trick or treat. He started slurring his words. I can't stand that. I thought "those parents wouldn't bring their kids to my house if they knew he "had a buzz" as he puts it. He can be slurring words and stumbling but he just has a buzz. Whatever.
So he moved out. We continue to see each other, usually on his weekends off, he works every other weekend. Sometimes a day during the week. I really set some boundaries and began distancing myself from him. He knows when he wants to spend time with me, it is alcohol free. I don't want to talk to him on the phone and hear him slurring. I hang up on him (that makes me the bad guy). Last November he lost his license due to DUI. I wouldn't take him to work but let him catch a ride with fellow employees. But yesterday he wanted to spend the evening with me. Turns out his usual ride was scheduled off and he didn't have a ride to work.
He got one over on me .He came over, we had a nice sober time and he fixed dinner and even hung up the hummingbird feeder, simple family things. I thought it was nice. So I took him to work this morning. Did I enable? I don't know but while he was getting a shower I had a feeling to look in his stuff and found 2 cans of beer hidden in his clothes. For a second I took them out so he would know I found them without me saying anything. But I thought there was no point to that. So I put them back. I didn't say anything and don't know if I should. If I do, then that makes me "crazy" for looking through his things.
On the way to work I "invited" him to spend the night tonight since he is off tomorrow. I could take him home on my way to work. He had his overnight bag and I suggested leaving it in the car so he could spend the night again. He acted like he might, but took his bag in to work with him. So I wouldn't "find the beer" no doubt. Too late. Then this evening after work, he never mentioned coming over. He's off tomorrow and I guess he wants to get his drunk on starting tonight. Not to mention he doesn't need a ride in to work so he doesn't need to spend the night.
I don't think he drank the beer he brought over coz he bought ice cream and ate that. He usually does that when abstaining from drink and never ever craves ice cream when he has been drinking. But the fact is he brought it.
Do I need a baseball bat up side my head to knock some sense into me?
My boyfriend is off tomorrow. You would think he would want to spend the night with me if he could.
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Join Date: May 2004
Location: Upstate New York
Posts: 1,636
Unfortunately, from what you have written it sounds like you may indeed need the baseball bat treatment....but, the "good" news is that, if you continue down the path you are on with him, you will almost certainly get that treatment eventually.
It doesn't sound, to me, like a very pleasant thing to have to look forward to, but you are, of course, totally free to go that route if you so choose.
freya
It doesn't sound, to me, like a very pleasant thing to have to look forward to, but you are, of course, totally free to go that route if you so choose.
freya
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: still getting there
Posts: 33
I thought when he realized he would be alone before I would allow him in my home while drinking, that he would not drink in order to not be alone. I see he only does that on his weekends off. The drive to work was not the norm. I told him I would not as long as he drinks, when he came over I guess he kinda conned me.
I have gone to his apt recently and when I saw him drinking, I turned around and left. He begged me to come back and I wouldn't. He had invited me over for dinner. I thought I was setting boundaries by not being around him drinking and have stuck to my guns on that. Even over the phone when he would call me. If he's been drinking I cut the conversation off.
Anyway, I know I need to leave him altogether coz I don't want a part time boyfriend. And pretty much, that what he is. Now to gather the strength to leave him and stay gone. His poor mom lives 3 doors down from me.
Yes, sobriety, honesty and all those things are what I want. I guess he cannot give them. The sad thing is he works in the heathcare field and his patients love him to death he is so good to them. If they only knew.
I have gone to his apt recently and when I saw him drinking, I turned around and left. He begged me to come back and I wouldn't. He had invited me over for dinner. I thought I was setting boundaries by not being around him drinking and have stuck to my guns on that. Even over the phone when he would call me. If he's been drinking I cut the conversation off.
Anyway, I know I need to leave him altogether coz I don't want a part time boyfriend. And pretty much, that what he is. Now to gather the strength to leave him and stay gone. His poor mom lives 3 doors down from me.
Yes, sobriety, honesty and all those things are what I want. I guess he cannot give them. The sad thing is he works in the heathcare field and his patients love him to death he is so good to them. If they only knew.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Goodlukchrm,
You seem okay with trying to continue "business as usual" with someone whom you had to have removed by the cops, who has lost his license and needs a ride everywhere like a 12-year-old, who lies to you, and who uses you.
Instead of wondering why you're content to settle for a relationship like that, you wonder why he doesn't want to spend the night with you...as though it's some kind of reflection on your value as a woman. It isn't. Like you said: he doesn't need anything from you at the moment, so you're out of luck.
I have a category for that kind of relationship: WTN. Worse Than Nothing. It causes far more pain than pleasure.
Baseball bat? Well, maybe a Nerf bat. You deserve better than this, but you will never find it as long as you're settling for the little crumbs he tosses you now and then. Hang in there...when you're tired of this, life will get much better.
You seem okay with trying to continue "business as usual" with someone whom you had to have removed by the cops, who has lost his license and needs a ride everywhere like a 12-year-old, who lies to you, and who uses you.
Instead of wondering why you're content to settle for a relationship like that, you wonder why he doesn't want to spend the night with you...as though it's some kind of reflection on your value as a woman. It isn't. Like you said: he doesn't need anything from you at the moment, so you're out of luck.
I have a category for that kind of relationship: WTN. Worse Than Nothing. It causes far more pain than pleasure.
Baseball bat? Well, maybe a Nerf bat. You deserve better than this, but you will never find it as long as you're settling for the little crumbs he tosses you now and then. Hang in there...when you're tired of this, life will get much better.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Location: still getting there
Posts: 33
La Tee Da
You are right. I really have gained much more peace than being around his roller coaster ride. And that is why I have detached so much. I guess I secretly hoped he would change because of it though. It's like so many other stories I hear on this forum of how wonderful they are when not drinking. Big freakin deal, huh? Part time boyfriend. Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. I can't live my life waiting for the good times every other weekend.
Givelove, yea I really don't want to settle for this life. My friends tell me I'm too forgiving and too patient. The little crumbs he throws me gives me hope and then he says he is "tired of living like this." I'm told I have a good head on my shoulders and am so financially responsible. How does a somewhat intelligent person allow themselves to get taken like this. I guess they play on our soft hearts. But my patience are running thin. I'm usually not this stupid.
OMG thank you so much for all your advice and for just listening. You all have no idea how glad I am I found you.
You are right. I really have gained much more peace than being around his roller coaster ride. And that is why I have detached so much. I guess I secretly hoped he would change because of it though. It's like so many other stories I hear on this forum of how wonderful they are when not drinking. Big freakin deal, huh? Part time boyfriend. Dr. Jekyl and Mr. Hyde. I can't live my life waiting for the good times every other weekend.
Givelove, yea I really don't want to settle for this life. My friends tell me I'm too forgiving and too patient. The little crumbs he throws me gives me hope and then he says he is "tired of living like this." I'm told I have a good head on my shoulders and am so financially responsible. How does a somewhat intelligent person allow themselves to get taken like this. I guess they play on our soft hearts. But my patience are running thin. I'm usually not this stupid.
OMG thank you so much for all your advice and for just listening. You all have no idea how glad I am I found you.
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Originally Posted by goodlukchrm 
I thought when he realized he would be alone before I would allow him in my home while drinking, that he would not drink in order to not be alone.
L
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
Originally Posted by goodlukchrm
The little crumbs he throws me
Perhaps its time to start working on your own issues and figuring out jsut why you think you only deserve the occassional crumb?
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
hi goodluckchrm!!
when you have never tasted a whole loaf its rather difficult to leave the crumbs, but its so wonderful when you are with someone that is healthier inside... and you not only get a loaf, you get it prepared as a delicious french toast with an omelette on the side, yogurt, orange juice and milk. or if you are a geek like me, its like going out with the beta version full of bugs, then doing an upgrade to the working, optimal software code
So its a cliche and everything, but really if you make a list of what YOU are looking for in a partner... you can take the steps to be closer to that...
And when you are with a healthier, nicer guy you will remember all this and say "what was I thinking?"
Oh yeahhh, at work 2 addicts that abuse alcohol and whoever is around (F. and another guy) are THE FRIENDLIESTTT guys at work, they look so nice and helpful!! the ones who smile and everybody loves... aha... but when the lights are down and the party is over, guess what?
Horrible disease. There are great guys out there!! I hate to listen that when I wanted F. and F. only, but its true.. and its much better and fulfilling! for the first time I do not feel I am throwing all what I am... to a bottomless pit...
And he, well he can take a cab. Or the bus. Just like any normal person, not out there looking for someone to be his personal driver. Damn I hate it it all sounds easy when its not you!! But I like that you are getting tired and posted this.. otherwise you would be Out There living this and thinking "my, what a catch, giving me the privilege of his presence every now and then" YUK!!
(((hugs)))
when you have never tasted a whole loaf its rather difficult to leave the crumbs, but its so wonderful when you are with someone that is healthier inside... and you not only get a loaf, you get it prepared as a delicious french toast with an omelette on the side, yogurt, orange juice and milk. or if you are a geek like me, its like going out with the beta version full of bugs, then doing an upgrade to the working, optimal software code
So its a cliche and everything, but really if you make a list of what YOU are looking for in a partner... you can take the steps to be closer to that...
And when you are with a healthier, nicer guy you will remember all this and say "what was I thinking?"
Oh yeahhh, at work 2 addicts that abuse alcohol and whoever is around (F. and another guy) are THE FRIENDLIESTTT guys at work, they look so nice and helpful!! the ones who smile and everybody loves... aha... but when the lights are down and the party is over, guess what?
Horrible disease. There are great guys out there!! I hate to listen that when I wanted F. and F. only, but its true.. and its much better and fulfilling! for the first time I do not feel I am throwing all what I am... to a bottomless pit...
And he, well he can take a cab. Or the bus. Just like any normal person, not out there looking for someone to be his personal driver. Damn I hate it it all sounds easy when its not you!! But I like that you are getting tired and posted this.. otherwise you would be Out There living this and thinking "my, what a catch, giving me the privilege of his presence every now and then" YUK!!
(((hugs)))
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Originally Posted by goodlukchrm
Do I need a baseball bat up side my head to knock some sense into me?
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: Boston
Posts: 2,936
How does a somewhat intelligent person allow themselves to get taken like this. I guess they play on our soft hearts. But my patience are running thin. I'm usually not this stupid.
This is a good statement to bring to a therapist and get started on working on YOU!
It has NOTHING to do with your intelligence! It may not even have to do with your "soft heart." It certainly has something to do with your choices! But please don't call yourself names - try to just look at things rationally - like "if I do "this" then I get "that" for a result...do I want "that" anymore???
Nothing changes if nothing changes and you do have the power within you to change yourself - we are, each and every one of us, smart enough to do that. You don't need to be a genius - you just need to be willing to change.
:ghug3
peace,
b
This is a good statement to bring to a therapist and get started on working on YOU!
It has NOTHING to do with your intelligence! It may not even have to do with your "soft heart." It certainly has something to do with your choices! But please don't call yourself names - try to just look at things rationally - like "if I do "this" then I get "that" for a result...do I want "that" anymore???
Nothing changes if nothing changes and you do have the power within you to change yourself - we are, each and every one of us, smart enough to do that. You don't need to be a genius - you just need to be willing to change.
:ghug3
peace,
b
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Hi,
Bernadette makes a great point. Being with an A has nothing to do with intelligence or having a soft heart. It is totally about choices and what you will and will not put up with. I too struggle with this and have called myself horrible names that I don't deserve. My therapist called me out on this.
No one here is stupid for being with an A. It is frustrating and some learn faster than others while many never change their mindset.
Personally, now I think that staying in an abusive situation has more to do with not putting your needs first in this world. That doesn't mean being selfish, but it means taking care of yourself before you can be with another. I think a LOT of people look for relationships to define themselves or "make" them feel whole. Maybe it does in the short term, but expereince lead me to figure out that relationships are add ons, not primary to life (struggling with this too).
Miss
Bernadette makes a great point. Being with an A has nothing to do with intelligence or having a soft heart. It is totally about choices and what you will and will not put up with. I too struggle with this and have called myself horrible names that I don't deserve. My therapist called me out on this.
No one here is stupid for being with an A. It is frustrating and some learn faster than others while many never change their mindset.
Personally, now I think that staying in an abusive situation has more to do with not putting your needs first in this world. That doesn't mean being selfish, but it means taking care of yourself before you can be with another. I think a LOT of people look for relationships to define themselves or "make" them feel whole. Maybe it does in the short term, but expereince lead me to figure out that relationships are add ons, not primary to life (struggling with this too).
Miss
ahhh 
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Location: Arlington, VA
Posts: 4,290
I made some really bad choices in marrying a man I knew to be an alcoholic. Yup the denial started even before the marriage. But it wasn't stupid. In fact, from where I sit now, it was one of the most fortunate bad choices I've ever made. Sounds strange I know but that bad choice led to me examing just why I made that bad choice and work on my own issues. At 52 I finally started dealing with all my issues that mostly came from being raised in an alcoholic household. And I thank God every day for the life I have now.
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