No help from the family
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No help from the family
My XAH's family was always in denial about the alcoholism when it came to their son. Over the years, every time I reached out to them for help for him, they were not involved. Living far away from us, they said there was nothing they could do, and never really believed he had a problem to the extent he did. I was accused of exaggerating.
For the last two years, that belief has been dramatically changed — as they've witnessed it first hand. My AH returned to his hometown, to be near his family after we split up. He went there for support and help, as he was in serious decline — stage 3 of his alcoholism, homeless and jobless. He had no where else to go. It was a rude awakening for his entire family.
They've all come to his rescue NOW. I'm finding myself having a bit of resentment that they didn't act to offer help and support when I pleaded for help way back when our children were small, and our family intact.
In the big picture, it doesn't really matter, it is water under the bridge now. Our paths are unlikely to cross in the future. I think this is fairly common for a spouses family to "look the other way".
For the last two years, that belief has been dramatically changed — as they've witnessed it first hand. My AH returned to his hometown, to be near his family after we split up. He went there for support and help, as he was in serious decline — stage 3 of his alcoholism, homeless and jobless. He had no where else to go. It was a rude awakening for his entire family.
They've all come to his rescue NOW. I'm finding myself having a bit of resentment that they didn't act to offer help and support when I pleaded for help way back when our children were small, and our family intact.
In the big picture, it doesn't really matter, it is water under the bridge now. Our paths are unlikely to cross in the future. I think this is fairly common for a spouses family to "look the other way".
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Join Date: May 2008
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Trying.....I think that when we quit the enabling, someone will step in and pick up right where we left off. I'm guessing it is common for it to be the family of the alcoholic.
In my situation it is MY mom who is coming to the rescue of the poor guy who I am stubbornly and selfishly not "trying to meet halfway". Who would have thought?! HIS mom, who I was always frustarated with for NOT getting involved with his drinking, has turned out to be my biggest supporter.......turns out she may have been the healthiest one of all of us!
My point is that your A is doing what they do best.....finding the next person to help him stay stuck in his addiction. Thank goodness you quit that job, huh?!
In my situation it is MY mom who is coming to the rescue of the poor guy who I am stubbornly and selfishly not "trying to meet halfway". Who would have thought?! HIS mom, who I was always frustarated with for NOT getting involved with his drinking, has turned out to be my biggest supporter.......turns out she may have been the healthiest one of all of us!
My point is that your A is doing what they do best.....finding the next person to help him stay stuck in his addiction. Thank goodness you quit that job, huh?!
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Trying2survive, try to let go of what's in the past if you can. Most likely, it would not have made any difference if they HAD tried to come to your rescue. He was not ready for help then, and apparently he is not ready now either.
It is as blessed4x says....when they burn out one enabler, they can often find the next one fairly quickly and easily.
Hugs to you
GL
It is as blessed4x says....when they burn out one enabler, they can often find the next one fairly quickly and easily.
Hugs to you
GL
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GIveLove, you are so right to advise letting go of the past. I'm working on that, and I think I'm doing well so far.
I can't help but to think back. This whole last 27 years of my life has been like a soap opera, or movie. I guess I'm still trying to "digest" all of it, perhaps to help me learn from the whole experience. Yes, we do so learn a lot, don't we?
It is said "everything happens for a reason" and I'm a true believer of that. If I could only figure out the reason!
I can't help but to think back. This whole last 27 years of my life has been like a soap opera, or movie. I guess I'm still trying to "digest" all of it, perhaps to help me learn from the whole experience. Yes, we do so learn a lot, don't we?
It is said "everything happens for a reason" and I'm a true believer of that. If I could only figure out the reason!
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Originally Posted by Trying2survive 
It is said "everything happens for a reason" and I'm a true believer of that. If I could only figure out the reason!
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It took me a really long time to let go of the fact that my xabf's family was going to continue to enable him and there was nothing I could do about it. I finally decided that it didn't matter what they did because I no longer had to live in his insanity. Life is so much better since I let go.
Big hugs to you!
Big hugs to you!
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
"I'm finding myself having a bit of resentment that they didn't act to offer help and support when I pleaded for help way back when our children were small, and our family intact. "
GiveLove is right, this is magical thinking! even if they had offered all the support in the world, AH was not ready, so the fact they did not could not have changed the story. They are as powerless as you are and as powerless as everybody else. There was nothing in this world that could have happened, that would have changed HIS addiction.
It is easy now to think back and suffer.. remember at the time you DID not know what you know now. You did your best.
A recovered addict told me "You did all you could for AH. You held his hand. Yhat's all you could ever have done for him".
Once I start living the present moment and imagining a better version of myself, I fall in love with that "future me" (who is also very compassionate towards herself) and take some actions to reach that version of me... once you get hooked to that, you will be directing your energy and using it more wisely. Its a process.
Be patient, as long as you do not lose your objective, you'll be OK!
MORE than OK!!
Hugs and blessings,
Sandra
GiveLove is right, this is magical thinking! even if they had offered all the support in the world, AH was not ready, so the fact they did not could not have changed the story. They are as powerless as you are and as powerless as everybody else. There was nothing in this world that could have happened, that would have changed HIS addiction.
It is easy now to think back and suffer.. remember at the time you DID not know what you know now. You did your best.
A recovered addict told me "You did all you could for AH. You held his hand. Yhat's all you could ever have done for him".
Once I start living the present moment and imagining a better version of myself, I fall in love with that "future me" (who is also very compassionate towards herself) and take some actions to reach that version of me... once you get hooked to that, you will be directing your energy and using it more wisely. Its a process.
Be patient, as long as you do not lose your objective, you'll be OK!
MORE than OK!!
Hugs and blessings,
Sandra
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I'm reminded every day, often more than once -This is a disease of relationships. People have such amazing ways of coping, and denial is a very strong and powerful way to "deal" with something a person doesn't want to acknowledge or deal with.
In my case, many people knew what was going on in my home. I was the one in denial for a long time. They offered help before I was ready to admit there was a problem. Today, I have learned to turn to my recovery family for the support that I need... my "real" family can only do the best they can with what they have to work with, and they don't have recovery yet.
Hugs to you. There are many exciting changes in your future.
In my case, many people knew what was going on in my home. I was the one in denial for a long time. They offered help before I was ready to admit there was a problem. Today, I have learned to turn to my recovery family for the support that I need... my "real" family can only do the best they can with what they have to work with, and they don't have recovery yet.
Hugs to you. There are many exciting changes in your future.
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It is said "everything happens for a reason" and I'm a true believer of that. If I could only figure out the reason!
I also believe everything happens for a reason but I have had to let go of whether or not I will ever know the reason....perhaps it is not for me to know....when I get myself in a knot trying to figure it all out or understand "why me?" or "why like this?" I usually have to talk myself down by repeating "Trust the process of life. More will be revealed."
Works for me!!
And double ditto on the above posters - looking back and thinking that anyone's intervention could have made a difference in your A's choices. For me, being so sure that this or that one thing could have made a difference (when in fact the past is done and so that "one thing" could NOT have happened!) is a sign of focus on the fantasy of control instead of where my mind is better served: acceptance of what IS!
peace,
b
I also believe everything happens for a reason but I have had to let go of whether or not I will ever know the reason....perhaps it is not for me to know....when I get myself in a knot trying to figure it all out or understand "why me?" or "why like this?" I usually have to talk myself down by repeating "Trust the process of life. More will be revealed."
Works for me!!
And double ditto on the above posters - looking back and thinking that anyone's intervention could have made a difference in your A's choices. For me, being so sure that this or that one thing could have made a difference (when in fact the past is done and so that "one thing" could NOT have happened!) is a sign of focus on the fantasy of control instead of where my mind is better served: acceptance of what IS!
peace,
b
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Another thought that has helped me is the following (I may be wrong but this is what I personally believe)
There were no evil intentions or pre meditated harmful actions... many times it appeared this way.
But AHs just like anyone else, give what they have. THEY did their best they could at the moment, too. If it was not loving, if it hurt you - they are not aware of what they are doing (at least while active). Its just what they do.
If the best they can give is abuse, is lying, is ignoring your feelings - is because they abuse themselves, they lie to themselves, and they ignore THEIR feelings. We are just a mirror. And often - they do not like what they see at all.
So, not personal - it could have been any other woman. Nothing would have changed in regards to their behaviour. I think its also a codie trait, when we take responsibility for their actions. The fact they do not like to take that responsibility and play warped mind games to twist reality, does not make their actions less than the 50% THEY own. Its THEIRS. Someday, somehow, they will handle it - if they are enlightened enough to seek recovery. We all have to handle our stuff at one point or another in this life. Only some need more and more pain to do it. The ones that do not get to handle their issues die while still active.
This is from one of Melody Beattie's books "The Grief Club"
"When an alcoholic has blackouts, it's better that way. The things you do, you don't want to remember.
The hard part is that the things you do show in other people's eyes. You see how bad you are when you look at them. So you fix it by drinking, or taking more pills"
WhenI look at ex AH that way, I am able to find more compassion, and see him not as evil but as diseased. And I am able to see, if that was the best he could do with someone he professed love - what is he capable of doing in the future, when he gets angry? when finally the stock of frustration is overwhelming? the fact they do not show guilt or remorse does not mean they do not feel it and are making everything in their power (drink) to ignore it. ALL of what they have done. They know. They remember. They are intelligent - they will see they are acting the same part, just the cast changes. They see the problem is THEM, not the others. Its just a pile of destruction and sad events, one on top of the other... until...
Mix unprocessed feelings, a traumatic history, bottles and bottles and an unknowing codie... what a dangerous, horrible place to be. We were the lucky ones to get out of that alive. Look at us. We are alive. How many people die in the hands of an addicted loved one, or an addicted stranger? Yet here we are. We ARE alive. We are healthy. We are free. We escaped the horrible shadow - with pain in our hearts.. but otherwise OK. We get another chance. How many people can say that today?
Others may disagree on a few points here.. this is just what I think... thought this may help. Good luck living your own life, we are rooting for YOU
There were no evil intentions or pre meditated harmful actions... many times it appeared this way.
But AHs just like anyone else, give what they have. THEY did their best they could at the moment, too. If it was not loving, if it hurt you - they are not aware of what they are doing (at least while active). Its just what they do.
If the best they can give is abuse, is lying, is ignoring your feelings - is because they abuse themselves, they lie to themselves, and they ignore THEIR feelings. We are just a mirror. And often - they do not like what they see at all.
So, not personal - it could have been any other woman. Nothing would have changed in regards to their behaviour. I think its also a codie trait, when we take responsibility for their actions. The fact they do not like to take that responsibility and play warped mind games to twist reality, does not make their actions less than the 50% THEY own. Its THEIRS. Someday, somehow, they will handle it - if they are enlightened enough to seek recovery. We all have to handle our stuff at one point or another in this life. Only some need more and more pain to do it. The ones that do not get to handle their issues die while still active.
This is from one of Melody Beattie's books "The Grief Club"
"When an alcoholic has blackouts, it's better that way. The things you do, you don't want to remember.
The hard part is that the things you do show in other people's eyes. You see how bad you are when you look at them. So you fix it by drinking, or taking more pills"
WhenI look at ex AH that way, I am able to find more compassion, and see him not as evil but as diseased. And I am able to see, if that was the best he could do with someone he professed love - what is he capable of doing in the future, when he gets angry? when finally the stock of frustration is overwhelming? the fact they do not show guilt or remorse does not mean they do not feel it and are making everything in their power (drink) to ignore it. ALL of what they have done. They know. They remember. They are intelligent - they will see they are acting the same part, just the cast changes. They see the problem is THEM, not the others. Its just a pile of destruction and sad events, one on top of the other... until...
Mix unprocessed feelings, a traumatic history, bottles and bottles and an unknowing codie... what a dangerous, horrible place to be. We were the lucky ones to get out of that alive. Look at us. We are alive. How many people die in the hands of an addicted loved one, or an addicted stranger? Yet here we are. We ARE alive. We are healthy. We are free. We escaped the horrible shadow - with pain in our hearts.. but otherwise OK. We get another chance. How many people can say that today?
Others may disagree on a few points here.. this is just what I think... thought this may help. Good luck living your own life, we are rooting for YOU
Last edited by TakingCharge999; 05-06-2009 at 02:47 PM.
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