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I feel my energy to cope draining...

Old 08-22-2003, 10:37 AM
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I feel my energy to cope draining...

Or am I becoming stronger? I guess the alcohol is the same enemy in my life as it once was, but how to handle it is now becoming more and more difficult. It's confusing, to say the least. One minute, you think you have a handle on it, then *BHAM* the AH throws you for another loop only leaving your trust the size of a gnat. It's just episode after episode. I have begun to stop EXPECTING him to change. It's heartbreaking, it really is, when I love a man this much but feel no strength left to deal with it. I have taken it in and now understand that this is HIS problem and I do indeed have a choice whether or not I want to be a part of it. It's just so damn hard! I know he's been sober (as far as I know) for a couple of weeks, but the other day...I don't know what told me to do it.

I got home a few minutes early last weekend. AH was in the shower. My gut told me to check, to make ME feel better, so I grabbed his keys and slid quietly out the door. I rummaged through his cluttered back seat and my instinct hadn't let me down. I had found three empty quarts of beer and an empty 32 oz. can of beer that's not his norm. I'm not even shocked anymore. But anger moves over me that he's still betraying me and sneaking behind my back. My trust in him is completely gone and I feel as though I can't count on him for anything. He's not reliable, he's not responsible. The person I know about when he's not around me, I despise and would typically spit in his face. I feel rather embarrassed to be seen with him when he's on a rampage. It's just that he's all this when I'm not around. So, when He has a day off and I have to work, I spend my whole day worrying about what kind of drama I'm going to come home to. That, or I try to get the day off, too. But I can only do that so often.

I listen to myself here, and the guy scares me. He sounds like a flat-out *explative* to me. But he's not always. Sometimes I'm the cranky one. Sometimes he annoys me when he talks and talks about nothing I understand. But I know how much he loves me. He takes care of me when I'm sick. He cooks for me, never lets me open a door. Pulls out my chair in restaurants. Gives me back rubs. Puts me first. So wonderful, right? It's like he's everywoman's dream and nightmare rolled into one and it's driving me up a wall. I tiptoe around my words and bite my tongue so very hard during arguments, even though he's never shown such restraint. The way I react depends on how I feel it will make him respond. If I feel he'll go off in a tangent and scream, I won't do it. Or I'll try to speak calmly and collectively to get my point across while he's screaming. But there's only so many times I can hold back.

But, then I go home...and everythings fine. I fall in love with him all over again every day that goes smoothly. I begin to trust him again. I begin to see a future with him, rather than looking for a place on my own after our lease is up. I'm scared. I'm terrified b/c I don't know what to do or how to do it. Any words of wisdom? Thanks guys *hugz to all* ~Damaged~
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Old 08-22-2003, 11:00 AM
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Damage,
I know EXACTLY what you are going through. Mine is the same way. When he's being nice I feel guilty and think that maybe I'm overreacting, but then he goes and starts drinking and the horror hits me right in the face. The ups and downs are so terrible and eventually they do wear on you. I know I am tired of it and I can't even look at him the same anymore. I don't trust what he says or does and I hate talking to him when he's drinking. In fact, I don't even try anymore.

Sometimes while he's drinking he'll ask if he's starting to bother me, because he knows how I feel about his drinking. Well, what do I say then? If I say yes, then he gets pissed and is really hard to deal with. So I just bite my tongue and say no and hope to get through the day so that I can go to bed and not have to listen to him.

I've decided that I am not going to hang around him while he is drinking. I am either going to go upstairs to my room or in the garage and watch tv. I don't know if that will do anything as he can always come and find me, but maybe it will make a point to him that I am not going to deal with it anymore.

You are doing the right thing in coming here. I joined just a few days ago and the support is so wonderful, especially since I can get it anytime I want. Also, I recommend going to Alanon meetings. I'm going to my first one on Monday. I can't wait to see his reaction to that.

All in all, though, I don't think we're going to stay together much longer unless he really starts to try. I just can't take the ups and downs. Just last night he drank a 6 pack in 2.5 hours and then this morning was trying to be all nice to me. I just can't fake it anymore and he needs to realize that.

You hang tough and know that you have a lot people out there going thru the same thing. We're here for you if just need to vent, talk or ponder.

Hugs,
Kitkat
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Old 08-22-2003, 11:07 AM
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Hi Damaged.

You are suffering from yo-yo-itis. I'd know those symptoms anywhere. But you've taken a significant stride toward getting loose from the string. You're coming to terms with the fact that you can't fix him. And where you are now is a natural place to be when that realization hits. "Do I want this?" You, of course, are the only one who can answer that question. You're the only one who knows if the perks are worth the price. Just know that finding yourself in this quandry means you are making progress in your own recovery. The decisions have started to be about YOU. And that's good.

Hugs,
Smoke
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Old 08-22-2003, 12:08 PM
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Same here

Wow! I'm going through the same. My X (who I live with) drinks a half a fifth of whisky a night before going to the bar. I knew he had another half left from the night before, but I didn't see it anywhere, so being the observant person I am, I know that he drinks on the living room sofa, and I looked under it. Low and behold! There it was! So now he is hiding it! And I understand the jeckyl and hide thing! I go through that too! Hang in there!
 
Old 08-22-2003, 03:26 PM
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Tears came to my eyes reading your replies. Not "pity me" tears, but I'm just so overwhelmed with relief. I wish so badly that some of you lived near me. I'd say, "let's go grab some coffee" or lets just get together, do something relaxing and forget about the DRAMA!!! *sniffles*. I have been trying to find local meetings, but can't seem to. I called the hotline...gee...an answering service that'll call YOU back. Nice. I've been desperately wanting to check a few out. I called home about an hour ago and could hear the alcohol in his voice. I asked him about it, and he didn't lie. But I still faught back the tears and tried to control my ever-shaky hands. It's frustrating.

I have friends. But they're "family". It's always a friend of my b/f or a friend of my sister's or a friend of my bro-in-laws. But there's nobody in my life down here that I can say "I'm going out with MY friend" I feel so lonely so often. Everytime I go to my sisters (one of my best friends) while he's off at work or something, when he gets home he makes sure to call me and tell me how horrible he's feeling and what a horrible day he had and "could you please come home?" Guilt trip after guilt trip, Ultimatum after ultimatum.

I'm just so thankful for this board. And thank you all for letting me know I'm not alone. I've always found that important when I'm struggling...that I'm NOT CRAZY and I'm not entirely alone. Luv ya' guys! *Hugz* ~Damaged~
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Old 08-22-2003, 04:09 PM
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D.82,

I am so glad you came here...Ditto to everything everyone has said so far...now you are aware you have choices, choices for you.

Please keep trying to find a meeting....YOU are only alone IF you choose to be...

Keep coming back...

Love and prayers rom one who cares,
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Old 08-22-2003, 04:11 PM
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Damaged Hi, and welcome to SR


Look up Alanon meetings in your area. Alanon is for families and friends of alcoholics, there you will find people who are going through the same as you, who are recovering from the affects of someones elses drinking problem, You will find unconditional love, friendship, strength and hope, and your anonymity will be protected in alanon.

You wont be short of anyone to grab for coffee, with a listening ear and a nonjudemental attitude, and who will understand exactly where you are coming from.

Keep coming back to SR reading and posting

Love and Huge Hugs
Jewel
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Old 08-22-2003, 06:36 PM
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(((Damaged)))

I can relate to your situation so well...although my H is now in recovery, what you wrote could have been us.

How do you cope? Give it over to your HP and then let it go. Go to Alanon, come here, read the other posts and the power posts at the top and pray, pray, pray.

I went through agony trying to control the situation with my H, the "walking around on eggshells" so I didn't upset HIM and give him yet another reason to take off and use.

I don't know the exact moment it happened, but once I finally succumed to the fact that I AM powerless over him and his choices and I ONLY can work on me and my recovery and I MUST let go of his problems, did I feel any sense of serenity come over me.

It doesn't happen over night, at least not for me...it took me several years before I finally "got it."

Even now, in his sobriety, when I see him being moody or being selfish, going through rough times when he's craving, I mind my own business and let him deal with it. He knows I'm there for him if he wants to talk things over. Sometimes I give him gentle reminders like "I love you and if you need me I'm here."

I hope this helps some...and this forum is THE best...I come here every time I am feeling down and I always find something positive that I gain from reading others who share.

Take good care,
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Old 08-22-2003, 07:42 PM
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Al-anon is the best place I've ever been. I've been to counselling alone and with my AH several times but I have never felt as at home as I did when I walked in that room and sat down.
I feel that way here too. I thank God I found both in one week and it has been a week from hell let me tell you. Not completely because of AH but because of druggie brother, enabling Mom, AH having surgery and work being over the top stressful with this crazy worm virus that's out there.
My only regret is that for now, I can only make two meetings a week because of other obligations. I am trying to rearrange things though so that I can go to more.

Today, I had a bit of a confrontation with my sister in law over AH. I told her I wasn't going on my overnight trip with my friends because I couldn't count on AH to take care of the kids. I had asked her to keep them but she said she had plans, which turned out not to be true.
Her statement to me simply blew my mind and is positive proof that people who are not married to alcoholics have no idea what we as wives and mothers have to go through, just for 24 hours of "me" time.
She said, "You know, it's not that the kids aren't great and we love having them but HE needs to take care of his own kids once in a while!"
MY JAW DROPPED!
I fired back,"And when are you all ever gonna face the fact that the man is an alcoholic??? How many years have I had to give up doing things, dealt with his awful behavior and listened to all of you say how I should leave him because he treats me so badly??? IS THAT A NORMAL MAN TO YOU? Do normal healthy men stay out all night drinking on the weekends with total disregard as to whether or not their houses are burning down or god forbid one of the kids gets hurt or sick??? Does YOUR husband do these things??? You complain about your husband too but your complaints are NORMAL things like he didn't mow the lawn or he forgot to pay a parking ticket. Has he ever come home so drunk that he forgot where he left the CAR????"
Well, her answer actually surprised me..."Well, since you put it that way, I guess it really makes sense. He really doesn't seem to care very much as far as all the things he's done and put you through and I guess I'm lucky, my husband (her husband is my husband's older brother) really is pretty normal."
I replied "Well, trust me, it took me 9 years to figure it all out but I stopped listening to what he says and started watching what he does and it all hit me like a brick wall. He is NOT a normal husband who is a little lazy at times, he is an ALCOHOLIC and I feel completely comfortable saying that now. Hopefully, the whole family will be able to face it eventually too"

I won't hold my breath on that thought though.

I love my husband dearly. Before things got really bad, we had good times together. He was loving and attentive and fun, as long as he wasn't drinking. I think alcoholism just gets worse and worse as time goes by if they don't get into recovery. That is for sure what has happened in our life. They're tired a lot more, they become less and less interested in the family life and the more they grow to need that drink, the grouchier and more critical they become of those around them from the resentment they feel from the pressure to stop drinking.
Last friday night was my last explosion of anger and resentment, in response to his drinking. I've given it enough attention for one lifetime. Besides, he doesn't remember most of it anyway. The next day he's all lovey dovey and acts as if nothing ever happened.
I too have a Jeckle and Hyde. Jeckle is my dream guy! Hyde is my worst nightmare. I think I'll only interact with Mr. Jeckle from now on and hope that Mr. Hyde someday goes away and never comes back but I know I have to do it all one day at a time.

Good Luck.
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Old 08-22-2003, 08:44 PM
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Oh that roller coaster is so familiar. We get our hopes up, we trust. we ask them to do something and think they will, we tell them how we feel....up the coaster goes.

Our hopes get dashed, they violate out trust, they don't do what we asked and they forget our heartfelt pleas and down the coaster goes.

Living from crisis to crisis becomes addictive even to us.

That is why we have to get off. We have to start doing for ourselves, not depending on them, meeting our own needs, living our own lives.

Alanon helped me do that,
JT

Alanon helped me to unlearn the coping statagies that were hurting me.
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Old 08-23-2003, 09:16 PM
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All of this living our OWN lives is so much easier said than done and believe me...I KNOW it tonight.

I've known for weeks that my alcoholic husband was having this stinking party and I made plans to get away, plans fell through.
I may NEW plans for today but you see, I have these little people that live here called kids and one had a birthday party to go to and the other came down with a bad earache so guess what happened??
I was stuck in this stinking house all day with his stinking friends and their stinking booze and of course...even though he said "Oh I'm not drinking, I just had surgery 3 days ago..." YEP, you guesed it, he was drinking and having himself a good old time!

Some of them are nice and social drinkers but they sure had a belly full today!!!!
I just don't think I can do this. I just don't think I can give this 6 months to decide what to do. I love my husband with all my heart but I am going off the deep end here tonight and I don't know if it's from him drinking or from my detachment and telling him not to even come near me until at least tomorrow and him not listening and his token little visits in here to poor me. It all just makes me wanna vomit and run away as far as I can.
I HATE MY LIFE!!!!!!! I SWEAR I HATE IT. I am TRYING so hard to change and work this and be a new me and not freak out every time this happens but I CAN'T leave and just go when I want to. So many times circumstances with the kids and so on just make it impossible.
I was all ready this morning. I had my shower and I was dressed and ready to go and then my son comes up sick and my daughter had this party to go to and it all just went downhill from there.
I was trapped. I AM TRAPPED.
I was reading from my books...the parts that really applied to today and I'm telling you nothing helped me.

I keep telling myself that tomorrow is another day and I'll be stronger. I have to be or I'm telling you, I am SO OUT OF HERE.
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Old 08-23-2003, 11:38 PM
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To LST-
I feel so badly for you!!! your frustration and anger is really comes through. I was like that a few years ago, when my kids were younger and more "high maintenance" Tey're older and easier to take care of, a lot of my resentment has faded. I do still feel hurt when he doesn't come home and seems to prefer his drinking buddies to us.
See my post on your weekend one- get out sunday!!! See a movie!! Let him clean up!!!
Right now, I just got home from a prty we all went to. At 11,this kids and I were ready to go- he wasn't. So we came home and he went back.
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Old 08-23-2003, 11:43 PM
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And damaged 82--
Been there, done that, it stinks..
My husband denies he is an alcoholic-- as we all know, the definitaion of an alcoholic is someone who sits at home. by him.herself, gets drunk every night, and hides booze. He doins none of that, so therfore, he is not an alcoholic(wink wink)
He;s a SOCIAL drinker. Of course,his social drinking can run into days, but he's always with someone, so he's ok..(wink wink wink)
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Old 08-24-2003, 10:48 AM
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I've been trying not to allow my resentment to show through. My love for him overpowers the resentment, but I can't deny it. My ups and downs are so rapid now. I feel like a big walking anxiety attack. I was right the other day, he did drink. I came home to him passed out...but of course, he was "sleeping". I'm sorry, but when he's merely sleeping, I don't have to scream in his ear and shake him violently to get a response out of him. When I found the beer bottles in his car last week it was a bit relieving. I knew he hadn't been drinking on that day, so I figured I'd rid his car of the empty bottles and see what happens. As he was passed out on Friday, I snatched his keys up and thought I'd check out the car. 2 1/2 empty quarts of beer.

I just can't help feeling absolutely crushed. My ego is bruised, my confidence down, and my head is spinning from one emotion to the next. I want to cry. I want to scream at him and tell him I'm so angry that he shows no remorse for what he does and how he can just expect me to pretend nothing happend. I want to laugh at myself b/c I complain, but I'm still here, arent' I?

It just upsets me so much b/c when I've done something wrong, Oh do I hear about it. He can scream and scream while I sit there and cry b/c I honestly feel bad for what I've done...but he doesn't stop the lecture until he feels he's finished. BUT WHEN HE MESSES UP!!! It's the same damn thing. There's just no winning. When I confront him, he gets so defensive and uses my faults against me.

I went to visit my mother and my friends in Ohio without him, and I had business to tend to as well. My grandfather died on my 16th bday, and left me the house. It's about ready to sell, so I had to dig through the messes and find what I wanted to keep and what I wanted the family to have and what was trash. Then, I had to close the door to my past by saying good bye to it. The time with my mother and with my friends reminded me of how much I NEED time WITHOUT him and I came back with an odd inner strength, but also I was depressed b/c I didnt' know when the next time would be that I got to spend some solo time with any of them. Cherished time. Like it used to be. I went into a small funk and wanted to just ignore the world for a few days. I explained to him exactly why I was upset and to not take any offense to it. But, I was in such a funk that I was "ignoring HIS feelings". Ha!! He tried to leave me for that, too. It was endless days of "me ignoring him" then suddenly, I have to prove myself. So...WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING TO ME?? WHAT HAS HE BEEN PUTTING ME THROUGH?? WHO'S FEELINGS ARE BEING IGNORED NOW??

Sorry, yes...I am bitter right now. Just one of the many emotions. I can't let him see them or tell him why they're there. All I said is..."you'll understand SOMEday."

And my 21st is coming up. I've been so excited about it for so long. I CAN handle my alcohol...I'm IRISH. I don't let myself get too bad...I know when NOT to drive. I don't yell at people...I LAUGH uncontrollably and I have a good time. I feel awkward wanting to have a drink now and then. I feel horrible admitting to it. I feel like I'm enabling him by wanting to have a couple beers now and then. Because he's ALWAYS around me and I don't drink by myself. I can't. Ugh. We should all write a book. Luv ya' guys. *hugz* ~Damaged~
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Old 08-26-2003, 01:08 AM
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longtrip and damaged, I feel your pain and hope someday to share your joy. I too am married to a AH as people on this site say. We've had bad years, good years and great years. At present we are back on the merry-go round of addiction. He drinks, we fight, I withdraw, He sobers up just longer to think he's fooled and slowly starts back. In 19 years we've had 13 years and 3 months of continuos soberity and I'd prefer it that way, only I didn't make the choice to drink, to quit or to drink again. I can only hope things will work for you.I am trying to get my act back together and concentrate on me and the kids. We didn't have kids the first go round and wish this wasn't happening again but it is and I going to try to remember what I learned before and put it back into practice. It is very hard just admitting this is part of our lives again. Good luck and keep your faith.
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