New here~Soooo confused anymore-PLEASE HELP
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Maryland
Posts: 50
New here~Soooo confused anymore-PLEASE HELP
I'm new here but not to the disease of A. I was married to a very abusive active A/dry drunk for five years when I was younger. Swore when I got out of that mess I'd NEVER look sideways at another A. Met my EXABF a year ago-online. He has been sober and "in recovery" for 10 years.
In the beginning I ran from him due to him being an A, and after several months and A LOT of pursuit on his part-he caught me! We dated until this past November and he ended things. I had issues due to my past with A, and I know I took a lot of things out on him.
I had been to AlAnon twice before, once during my marriage, and once after my marriage ended-and honestly figured-No Drunk=No need for AlAnon. I have since learned that the damage done to me as a result of my history with A will be part of my life forever.
I got back into AlAnon-online in August-before my ExABF and I split, though he didn't know, I knew I needed the program badly. We kept in touch and in December I had thought we were going to try again, until Jan when he basically needed to date other people and he was not capable of trying again but when he felt capable again, he would find me, no matter what, and that he still wanted happily ever after and wanted it with me, but wasn't sure how to get there from here.. Then in the end of Feb, when I completed my steps for the first time, he asked me to go out with him the first day of Spring-march 20th. We went out that night and had a great time. Then the following Friday he came to see me after one of my meetings, we watched a movie and again things were fine. The next day I attempted to talk to him about how I was feeling no support from family or friends about our seeing one another again, and he said that was a lot of pressure on him, and that he wasn't sure how we'd know when was the right time to take the next step and that we may very well decide not to try again.
I never heard from him again, until a week later and he wrote that he was inside his head a lot and the only thing he knew for sure was that he couldn't be in a relationship with me right now, and went on to mention some things of mine he had and wanted to return.
I basically went clear off and sent him a nasty email, sharing my thought and feelings on his "go away-no wait a minute" craziness, and that if his behavior was what he learned in recovery that I wasn't sure that the program was right for me, etc. I did however, send a second letter a few days later apologizing.
There have been a few more emails back and forth since, but not many, and while he has refused to post any comments I sent him to his Myspace page (where he and I met online), he has added new female friends and I have made my thoughts clear there too, as he REFUSED to add me in the begining for quite some time. Last time we talked about it he said he was done rehashing, explaining, or being spiteful and would not talk anymore about WHY he didn't post my comment I sent him when he was sick. (it really was just a get well wish)
I got to a really bad place several weeks ago after him walking away from me for a 3rd time with no reason, other than "him going inside his head" and searching for a sign as to the next right step etc. I went into a severe depression and it got bad. I am a single mom and have been raising my son for 12 years alone, and was barely able to function. I walked away from my program because I felt like a failure and didn't want to be ANYTHING like ExABF if that was what I'd learn there. he told me in his second to last email that he cares very deeply for me but has proven that he can't help me, and has told me that he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone in his life but that "doesn't matter"???????
Last email I got from ExABF was last Friday and simply stated that he was out my way the other day and was thinking about me, and hoped I was feeling better, and have a good weekend. Funny thing was I was thinking as I was driving home, the VERY SAME DAY, wondering if he'd ever think about me when he had to come that way to get his truck serviced. Irony there huh? That was the first I had heard from him since his email telling me that he had tried to explain things to me and he had proven he could not help me, etc.
I am just sooo confused still. How can someone love someone and "care so deeply" for them and behave this way? He is SOBER, goes to weekly meetings, is a sponsor. And why everytime that I get my bearings with him being gone, and start practicing detachment, does he "pop" back into my life long enough to get me wound up again and make me miss what I thought we had?
I still care alot about this man, though with the past 6mths it would take a lot of work for us to be together again, and to quote him from back when he initially ended things, he doesn't feel that it should be work, it should just all be easy.
Sorry this is soooo long but I wanted to try and give a bit of history as to what brought me this way......Any ESH would be a blessing.
thanks for letting me share
spiritedgrl
In the beginning I ran from him due to him being an A, and after several months and A LOT of pursuit on his part-he caught me! We dated until this past November and he ended things. I had issues due to my past with A, and I know I took a lot of things out on him.
I had been to AlAnon twice before, once during my marriage, and once after my marriage ended-and honestly figured-No Drunk=No need for AlAnon. I have since learned that the damage done to me as a result of my history with A will be part of my life forever.
I got back into AlAnon-online in August-before my ExABF and I split, though he didn't know, I knew I needed the program badly. We kept in touch and in December I had thought we were going to try again, until Jan when he basically needed to date other people and he was not capable of trying again but when he felt capable again, he would find me, no matter what, and that he still wanted happily ever after and wanted it with me, but wasn't sure how to get there from here.. Then in the end of Feb, when I completed my steps for the first time, he asked me to go out with him the first day of Spring-march 20th. We went out that night and had a great time. Then the following Friday he came to see me after one of my meetings, we watched a movie and again things were fine. The next day I attempted to talk to him about how I was feeling no support from family or friends about our seeing one another again, and he said that was a lot of pressure on him, and that he wasn't sure how we'd know when was the right time to take the next step and that we may very well decide not to try again.
I never heard from him again, until a week later and he wrote that he was inside his head a lot and the only thing he knew for sure was that he couldn't be in a relationship with me right now, and went on to mention some things of mine he had and wanted to return.
I basically went clear off and sent him a nasty email, sharing my thought and feelings on his "go away-no wait a minute" craziness, and that if his behavior was what he learned in recovery that I wasn't sure that the program was right for me, etc. I did however, send a second letter a few days later apologizing.
There have been a few more emails back and forth since, but not many, and while he has refused to post any comments I sent him to his Myspace page (where he and I met online), he has added new female friends and I have made my thoughts clear there too, as he REFUSED to add me in the begining for quite some time. Last time we talked about it he said he was done rehashing, explaining, or being spiteful and would not talk anymore about WHY he didn't post my comment I sent him when he was sick. (it really was just a get well wish)
I got to a really bad place several weeks ago after him walking away from me for a 3rd time with no reason, other than "him going inside his head" and searching for a sign as to the next right step etc. I went into a severe depression and it got bad. I am a single mom and have been raising my son for 12 years alone, and was barely able to function. I walked away from my program because I felt like a failure and didn't want to be ANYTHING like ExABF if that was what I'd learn there. he told me in his second to last email that he cares very deeply for me but has proven that he can't help me, and has told me that he loves me more than he has ever loved anyone in his life but that "doesn't matter"???????
Last email I got from ExABF was last Friday and simply stated that he was out my way the other day and was thinking about me, and hoped I was feeling better, and have a good weekend. Funny thing was I was thinking as I was driving home, the VERY SAME DAY, wondering if he'd ever think about me when he had to come that way to get his truck serviced. Irony there huh? That was the first I had heard from him since his email telling me that he had tried to explain things to me and he had proven he could not help me, etc.
I am just sooo confused still. How can someone love someone and "care so deeply" for them and behave this way? He is SOBER, goes to weekly meetings, is a sponsor. And why everytime that I get my bearings with him being gone, and start practicing detachment, does he "pop" back into my life long enough to get me wound up again and make me miss what I thought we had?
I still care alot about this man, though with the past 6mths it would take a lot of work for us to be together again, and to quote him from back when he initially ended things, he doesn't feel that it should be work, it should just all be easy.
Sorry this is soooo long but I wanted to try and give a bit of history as to what brought me this way......Any ESH would be a blessing.
thanks for letting me share
spiritedgrl
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
I kept trading one bad relationship for another long after I left the EXAH, and yes, one of those relationship was a guy in recovery.
I finally hit my codependent bottom when my ex-fiance walked out on me and my daughter. I made a firm resolve to start working on myself and my issues with a vengeance, and no relationships, period, until I was in a good place in my life.
I love what Dr. Phil says about the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Just because your AXABF is sober does not mean he's well by any means.
You said you were barely able to function recently, you quit your own program. What does that tell you about the toxicity of a relationship (of any sort) with this man?
Personally I deserve the good things in life, and I am no longer willing to sell myself short for anyone who is detrimental to my sanity and serenity.
I finally hit my codependent bottom when my ex-fiance walked out on me and my daughter. I made a firm resolve to start working on myself and my issues with a vengeance, and no relationships, period, until I was in a good place in my life.
I love what Dr. Phil says about the best predictor of future behavior is past behavior.
Just because your AXABF is sober does not mean he's well by any means.
You said you were barely able to function recently, you quit your own program. What does that tell you about the toxicity of a relationship (of any sort) with this man?
Personally I deserve the good things in life, and I am no longer willing to sell myself short for anyone who is detrimental to my sanity and serenity.
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
Location: splendraville
Posts: 5,599
Welcome to Sober Recovery!
Pull up a chair and get comfortable I am sure others will be here to greet you soon. Also check out the friends and family section here too.
To me it sounds like he is involved with someone other than you. Things may not be going well in the other relationship so he has you on the hook for back up.
I hope you will take good care of yourself.
Pull up a chair and get comfortable I am sure others will be here to greet you soon. Also check out the friends and family section here too.
To me it sounds like he is involved with someone other than you. Things may not be going well in the other relationship so he has you on the hook for back up.
I hope you will take good care of yourself.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Location: Between the ocean and the mountains
Posts: 653
Ugh. Reading your description of the sickness in your relationship just made me feel ill.
He has really got you crazy. Really. You are inside the lion's mouth and can't see it.
I think he is a pathological narcissist. Not just a sober addict with selfish traits, but someone with a disorder. Read up on that disorder and see if it rings bells. Some people have narcissistic streaks but others have the disorder. Pathological Narcissists are like vampires who need to suck the blood of ATTENTION from you. And when you focus elsewhere, they panic, and get your attention back in seemingly innocent ways ("let's share the first day of spring"), then when they suck all your attention again, they are satisifed. But GOD FORBID you should EVER have any expectations of THEM. When you do, they will mess your mind up so much by telling you you are needy, or they just can't deal with you, or they just need a break for awhile, etc etc etc. And you will feel crushed by depression and failure. Which is precisely their goal.
He's sickening and he is making you sick. My advice: end it and fast.
He has really got you crazy. Really. You are inside the lion's mouth and can't see it.
I think he is a pathological narcissist. Not just a sober addict with selfish traits, but someone with a disorder. Read up on that disorder and see if it rings bells. Some people have narcissistic streaks but others have the disorder. Pathological Narcissists are like vampires who need to suck the blood of ATTENTION from you. And when you focus elsewhere, they panic, and get your attention back in seemingly innocent ways ("let's share the first day of spring"), then when they suck all your attention again, they are satisifed. But GOD FORBID you should EVER have any expectations of THEM. When you do, they will mess your mind up so much by telling you you are needy, or they just can't deal with you, or they just need a break for awhile, etc etc etc. And you will feel crushed by depression and failure. Which is precisely their goal.
He's sickening and he is making you sick. My advice: end it and fast.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2005
Location: Houston, TX
Posts: 2,126
Hey spiritedgrl123 ---
There' a lot of good stuff here, and I won't add to the confusion (LOL), but I felt I needed to comment on the following.....:
"...I still care alot about this man, though with the past 6mths it would take a lot of work for us to be together again, and to quote him from back when he initially ended things, he doesn't feel that it should be work, it should just all be easy..."
I really had to chuckle at this.....He REALLY thinks that relationships should be easy, and not require work.....????? I don't know what world he's living in, but it's NOT the real world. Here, in the real world relationships take work; lots and lots of hard work..... (o:
I don't know if you're still hearing from him or not, but I do have a suggestion for you.....: get thee to Alanon and/or Naranon.....even when not in a relationship, there's always stuff we can learn about ourselves. Often we can learn the 'why' we're getting ourselves into these 'sick' relationships, and we can learn to fix our 'picker.'
Remember what Socrates said......: "The unexamined life is not worth living."
NoelleR
There' a lot of good stuff here, and I won't add to the confusion (LOL), but I felt I needed to comment on the following.....:
"...I still care alot about this man, though with the past 6mths it would take a lot of work for us to be together again, and to quote him from back when he initially ended things, he doesn't feel that it should be work, it should just all be easy..."
I really had to chuckle at this.....He REALLY thinks that relationships should be easy, and not require work.....????? I don't know what world he's living in, but it's NOT the real world. Here, in the real world relationships take work; lots and lots of hard work..... (o:
I don't know if you're still hearing from him or not, but I do have a suggestion for you.....: get thee to Alanon and/or Naranon.....even when not in a relationship, there's always stuff we can learn about ourselves. Often we can learn the 'why' we're getting ourselves into these 'sick' relationships, and we can learn to fix our 'picker.'
Remember what Socrates said......: "The unexamined life is not worth living."
NoelleR
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Thread Starter
Join Date: May 2009
Location: Maryland
Posts: 50
I just wanted to stop and thank everyone who responded to my post......and had to laugh as I thought about learning to "fix my pciker"-lol.....Never really looked at it like that before but it is a good point
Thanks for taking the time to respond and share all of your ESH......
Your friend in recovery
spirit
Thanks for taking the time to respond and share all of your ESH......
Your friend in recovery
spirit
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