I am confused...
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Join Date: Sep 2008
Posts: 517
I am confused...
I don't like to be with someone who smokes pot every day, but he tells me that he has been smoking it every day for 30 years and it makes him relax and he won't quit. Why I can't accept that even though he is committed to not drink, but he will continue to smoke pot.
I don't want to live with someone who is stoned every evening. I like him sober. He says I am narrow-minded. But really, wanting a drug-free home is not being narrow-minded is it? It seems as if this is going to make or break this relationship, but I DON'T WANT ANY mind-altering substances in my life. He doesn't understand that I won't put up with something he thinks help him in his life.
PS: We are still waiting for the treatment center to call him to go in-patient. Should be any day now.
I don't want to live with someone who is stoned every evening. I like him sober. He says I am narrow-minded. But really, wanting a drug-free home is not being narrow-minded is it? It seems as if this is going to make or break this relationship, but I DON'T WANT ANY mind-altering substances in my life. He doesn't understand that I won't put up with something he thinks help him in his life.
PS: We are still waiting for the treatment center to call him to go in-patient. Should be any day now.
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Join Date: Apr 2004
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Originally Posted by Kimmieh 
I don't like to be with someone who smokes pot every day, but he tells me that he has been smoking it every day for 30 years and it makes him relax and he won't quit.
I don't want to live with someone who is stoned every evening.
He says I am narrow-minded. But really, wanting a drug-free home is not being narrow-minded is it?
He doesn't understand that I won't put up with something he thinks help him in his life.
PS: We are still waiting for the treatment center to call him to go in-patient. Should be any day now.
I don't want to live with someone who is stoned every evening.
He says I am narrow-minded. But really, wanting a drug-free home is not being narrow-minded is it?
He doesn't understand that I won't put up with something he thinks help him in his life.
PS: We are still waiting for the treatment center to call him to go in-patient. Should be any day now.
He's been doing it for 30 years.
He has told you he wont quit. He thinks you're opinion is narrow minded.
And you are asking us if wanting a drug-free home is narrow-minded. I don't know. I suppose there are couples out there who get drunk together, high together, shoot up together, whatever, every night. For them it's a way of life.
He has made it clear he wants to continue to smoke pot.
You don't want him to smoke it, but you sound as if you're doubting yourself in taking a stand on not allowing it in your home. So that leaves you with the quandry as to whether you issue an ultimatum, back down and let him smoke, end the relationship, or let him do it but continue to complain about it.
I assume he is going to a treatment center for his alcoholism. While in a center, his rehab counselors aren't going to look the other way if he asks if he can light up a doobie.
So if he quits drinking, he will still be an active addict, I assume that will be the case since he wishes to relax by smoking pot every evening.
It's up to you what you will live with and what you won't live with.
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Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Oregon
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He has told you he wont quit.
He has made it clear he wants to continue to smoke pot.
So that leaves you with the quandry as to whether you issue an ultimatum, back down and let him smoke, end the relationship, or let him do it but continue to complain about it.
It's up to you what you will live with and what you won't live with.[/QUOTE]
This is really what your fac ed with right now. You really need to focus on you.
I can say without a bit of doubt that he will not quit because you want him to. No matter how much he may love or care about you.
Maybe once he's in treatment he will see that it doesn't work to quit one thing and still use another. The disease of addiction won't allow things to work that simply. Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful...
I know that its so much easier to say what should be done than it is to act upon it, and ultimately only you know what that is.
I wish you all the best in this situation, and I'm praying for you. Stand your ground and stick to what your heart is telling you.
He has made it clear he wants to continue to smoke pot.
So that leaves you with the quandry as to whether you issue an ultimatum, back down and let him smoke, end the relationship, or let him do it but continue to complain about it.
It's up to you what you will live with and what you won't live with.[/QUOTE]
This is really what your fac ed with right now. You really need to focus on you.
I can say without a bit of doubt that he will not quit because you want him to. No matter how much he may love or care about you.
Maybe once he's in treatment he will see that it doesn't work to quit one thing and still use another. The disease of addiction won't allow things to work that simply. Addiction is cunning, baffling and powerful...
I know that its so much easier to say what should be done than it is to act upon it, and ultimately only you know what that is.
I wish you all the best in this situation, and I'm praying for you. Stand your ground and stick to what your heart is telling you.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: South Australia
Posts: 73
Same problem here except that husband has already been to detox/rehab back in january, has stopped drinking but still smoking weed. He has been smoking weed for 30 years too, and won't quit. And I am also told I am narrow minded. And I am too, confused about whether or not it is acceptable. I think in my heart, I don't like him being stoned because all his emotions are fake. Yet, I also know that without pot, he is utterly miserable and I can't stand him this way either.
I am recently realised that in fact, my core problem is that I don't even know who he is. and he probably doesn't know that either.
All I can see right now is that whenever a small issue comes up between us, it seems to go from one ear to the other in his head, then he goes and smokes weed and he seems to think everything is A-OK. Well, that does not sit right with me. After his rehab stint, I was sort of expecting him to do whatever it took to show me that he realised the hell he had put me through for the last 10 years. Because, as Dr Phil says, you can't change what you don't acknowledge and he definitely seems to me that he still has no clue what my issues with him are. And with the pot still in the picture, my hopes are fading day after day.....
I am recently realised that in fact, my core problem is that I don't even know who he is. and he probably doesn't know that either.
All I can see right now is that whenever a small issue comes up between us, it seems to go from one ear to the other in his head, then he goes and smokes weed and he seems to think everything is A-OK. Well, that does not sit right with me. After his rehab stint, I was sort of expecting him to do whatever it took to show me that he realised the hell he had put me through for the last 10 years. Because, as Dr Phil says, you can't change what you don't acknowledge and he definitely seems to me that he still has no clue what my issues with him are. And with the pot still in the picture, my hopes are fading day after day.....
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Originally Posted by Lucy06
as Dr Phil says, you can't change what you don't acknowledge and he definitely seems to me that he still has no clue what my issues with him are.
You have a spouse whom you feels has "fake" emotions. He's miserable if he can't get high. You don't know who this man really is. He hides behind a smoke screen of pot.
As Dr. Phil also says, "So how's that workin' for ya?"
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Join Date: Dec 2008
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I have to agree....he's not going to change, and you have a right to feel how you feel about your home. So...what's your next move? Will you accept his continued addiction? Will you continue to allow what is still an illegal substance in your home and open yourself to being arrested? Will you decide to make some other sort of living arrangement for the two of you?
It's your turn to decide what you want and believe that you are entitled to your thoughts and feelings. You are not crazy....you are not narrow-minded.
Huge hugs to you as you wait to hear from the rehab facility! I hope all goes well! HG
It's your turn to decide what you want and believe that you are entitled to your thoughts and feelings. You are not crazy....you are not narrow-minded.
Huge hugs to you as you wait to hear from the rehab facility! I hope all goes well! HG
the girl can't help it
Join Date: Apr 2004
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It was a harsh thing for me to realize that although he is the one using dope I was the one with the drug problem. He likes using the only problem he has with dope is me. Dope is way more important than our relationship to him.
I prayed for a long time for a solution. One finally came in the form of a warrant out on him for non support of his kids. I asked him to go take care of it. He just wanted to lay low at my house. I told him he could not stay here with a warrant out for him. He did not leave so I called the cops to come get him. For now my drug problem is solved.
When he gets out all his stuff will be packed and he can take it and go. No more problem.
I prayed for a long time for a solution. One finally came in the form of a warrant out on him for non support of his kids. I asked him to go take care of it. He just wanted to lay low at my house. I told him he could not stay here with a warrant out for him. He did not leave so I called the cops to come get him. For now my drug problem is solved.
When he gets out all his stuff will be packed and he can take it and go. No more problem.
I'm growing
Join Date: Feb 2007
Location: Right where I need to be
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It is OK to NOT accept unacceptable behavior.
It is very simple:
You do not want drugs in your house or someone who is using in your house.
He says he will not stop.
Now you need to decide what you are going to do about that. I think it is time to set up a boundary and stick to it.
Also are you going to al-anon? it is a great place to be
It is very simple:
You do not want drugs in your house or someone who is using in your house.
He says he will not stop.
Now you need to decide what you are going to do about that. I think it is time to set up a boundary and stick to it.
Also are you going to al-anon? it is a great place to be
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We all carry around our values, our preferences, and what we are comfortable with. These form the foundation of a life that we find safe, serene and happy.
For example, I could no longer be with someone who smokes pot every day. Been there, done that. It diminishes them in my eyes to the point where I do not respect them, do not desire them, do not even want to be around them. I like people who live life fully and with courage, not hide behind multiple addictions. I also detest people who put their drug of choice before me. And it won't happen again in my lifetime.
I don't spend any time any more trying to change myself so that my values, my preferences, match my partner's. I find a partner whose values match mine, and the joy and strength that brings to life is beyond anything I could explain.
I wasn't always like this...I allowed a lot of cr@p in my life before I realized that I had the right to be loved AND enforce boundaries. Counseling, al-anon, and other support helped me to get strong enough to make my life what I wanted it to be.
Kimmie, on the forum you have shared so many reasons why it's obvious this relationship is not a good match for what you want out of life. This is just another example...and yet you continue to try to question and bend your own preferences so you don't have to admit that it's just not a healthy relationship for you. You would rather disrespect yourself than let him go, and although we each have our own journey to take, it hurts to watch. You're a really amazing person, and to watch you undermine your own self-confidence like this, chipping away at your own self-esteem, allowing yourself to be walked on, makes me so sad.
My thoughts? If he can't refrain from smoking pot in your house, even though you've made it clear you don't want him smoking pot in your house, then I'd suggest you refrain from allowing such a disrespectful, self-centered person into your home.
Just me, though.
For example, I could no longer be with someone who smokes pot every day. Been there, done that. It diminishes them in my eyes to the point where I do not respect them, do not desire them, do not even want to be around them. I like people who live life fully and with courage, not hide behind multiple addictions. I also detest people who put their drug of choice before me. And it won't happen again in my lifetime.
I don't spend any time any more trying to change myself so that my values, my preferences, match my partner's. I find a partner whose values match mine, and the joy and strength that brings to life is beyond anything I could explain.
I wasn't always like this...I allowed a lot of cr@p in my life before I realized that I had the right to be loved AND enforce boundaries. Counseling, al-anon, and other support helped me to get strong enough to make my life what I wanted it to be.
Kimmie, on the forum you have shared so many reasons why it's obvious this relationship is not a good match for what you want out of life. This is just another example...and yet you continue to try to question and bend your own preferences so you don't have to admit that it's just not a healthy relationship for you. You would rather disrespect yourself than let him go, and although we each have our own journey to take, it hurts to watch. You're a really amazing person, and to watch you undermine your own self-confidence like this, chipping away at your own self-esteem, allowing yourself to be walked on, makes me so sad.
My thoughts? If he can't refrain from smoking pot in your house, even though you've made it clear you don't want him smoking pot in your house, then I'd suggest you refrain from allowing such a disrespectful, self-centered person into your home.
Just me, though.
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Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
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Originally Posted by GiveLove
I don't spend any time any more trying to change myself so that my values, my preferences, match my partner's. I find a partner whose values match mine, and the joy and strength that brings to life is beyond anything I could explain....... Counseling, al-anon, and other support helped me to get strong enough to make my life what I wanted it to be.
Kimmie, it is OK to not want someone to smoke pot in your home. I remember when I was going through the same thing, and my XAH said I was narrow minded, a party pooper, etc. I thought it was my job to fit into what he wanted and felt immense guilt if I did not. I don't think like that any more thanks to this site, Alanon, and counseling.
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Join Date: Jul 2008
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Kimmie--I am in the same place as you--except he has been smoking for 35 years. What is he like when he is not getting high? AH is not a nice guy when he cannot drink or get high because he is then faced with interacting others and taking part in life--which can sometimes be stressful.
Why does he need to self medicate to relax? Tell him to try meditation or Tai Chi. There are many other healthy ways to relax that do not require sucking THC into your lungs.
I have gotten the narrow-minded comment too--from AH and his friends. I have friends who get high but I don't live with them. If I am with them and they decide to start to get high I leave-not because I feel uncomfortable but because they are different people high and I don't find them all that interesting when they are.
AH thinks I can't tell when he is stoned. He has been using it so long he thinks he is totally under control. Sure, think what you like. He thinks I don't know when he is getting high--I can tell if I talk to him on the phone. . .and well gee, all the candy the easter bunny gave you was gone in 3 days, as are the cookies, chips, etc. that are in the house. It is a standard joke around our house that if we buy any treats that the rest of the family might like that we hide them (do the kids know why--no). But I do hide them.
It is perfectly OK to not want to be around someone who needs dope or booze to get through their day. Why is dope any different than alcohol? Was he using alcohol to relax too?
You deserve to live in a way you are happy with. It does not sound like you are very happy. With AH he likes to substitute one for the other. So if he is telling me he is drying out his dope intake increases. If he tries to stop using dope his alcohol intake increase. Never has he tried to get rid of both of them for a very long time--but I have to say when he tried he was not all the pleasant to be around. So drunk, stoned or sober--he is not that much fun. It has taken me quite awhile to see that.
Why does he need to self medicate to relax? Tell him to try meditation or Tai Chi. There are many other healthy ways to relax that do not require sucking THC into your lungs.
I have gotten the narrow-minded comment too--from AH and his friends. I have friends who get high but I don't live with them. If I am with them and they decide to start to get high I leave-not because I feel uncomfortable but because they are different people high and I don't find them all that interesting when they are.
AH thinks I can't tell when he is stoned. He has been using it so long he thinks he is totally under control. Sure, think what you like. He thinks I don't know when he is getting high--I can tell if I talk to him on the phone. . .and well gee, all the candy the easter bunny gave you was gone in 3 days, as are the cookies, chips, etc. that are in the house. It is a standard joke around our house that if we buy any treats that the rest of the family might like that we hide them (do the kids know why--no). But I do hide them.
It is perfectly OK to not want to be around someone who needs dope or booze to get through their day. Why is dope any different than alcohol? Was he using alcohol to relax too?
You deserve to live in a way you are happy with. It does not sound like you are very happy. With AH he likes to substitute one for the other. So if he is telling me he is drying out his dope intake increases. If he tries to stop using dope his alcohol intake increase. Never has he tried to get rid of both of them for a very long time--but I have to say when he tried he was not all the pleasant to be around. So drunk, stoned or sober--he is not that much fun. It has taken me quite awhile to see that.
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Originally Posted by Kimmieh
I don't like to be with someone who smokes pot every day, but he tells me that he has been smoking it every day for 30 years and it makes him relax and he won't quit. Why I can't accept that even though he is committed to not drink, but he will continue to smoke pot.
The confusion lies in trying to ignore those standards for the sake of someone else.
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