jehnifer

I am such a chicken when it comes to expressing myself, especially to my husband. But keeping it inside feels like pretending that i am not feeling what i am feeling. This is what I want to say:

It is your choice to be in a bad mood, unhappy. Its your choice to blame the elements (rain), me, the dog, my daughter, your work, for your misery.

However, I am finding it more and more difficult to be around you because I feel anxious and uncomfortable. I feel sad and concerned, but also frustrated and resentful. I want to feel better and will focus on getting there by staying busy and doing things that I enjoy. (In other words what Iam not saying here is that I dont want to be around him).

Please friends help me construct this message. I think I am doing myself a disservice if I dont speak up and let him know how I am feeling. Thoughts?

justtired

Hi Jehnifer

I have a hard time too with talking about how I feel and expressing myself. I'm not good at conversations of the heart. I've found that writing a letter really helps. Sometimes I wish I could just spit it out and be done, but there are times when I don't feel strong enough to say how I feel. Writing a letter may not do anything more than make you feel better that your feelings are out there, but that's what it's really about. The biggest problem for me is having expectations of how it will be handled by my abf. I think that he should understand what I'm saying and "get" how I'm feeling. But it usually gets turned around and I end up completely confused and in awe that once again he managed to turn things around on me. Just another reason why I've found letter writing to be beneficial. No argument or crazymaking. You get out what you need to say, period. Good luck!

cmc

Sometimes I need to try and decide before hand just how far I'm willing to go about an issue. In a way it's a boundary I set for myself. I also check my motives to see if I'm actually trying to force an outcome.

These questions help me to do decide:
Is it necessary?
Is it helpful to me?
Am I being kind?


Another good standard is the saying:
Say what you mean, and mean what you say but dont' say it mean.

FreeBird09

I have been checking my motives before I say what I want to say, or feel. I use to just blurt it out, and I think it was in hopes of an outcome. I now write it in a letter, revisit the letter a few times over, and then say what I need to say. It is VERY hard for me to talk about emotional things, especially with my ABF, but I realized that I wasn't being true to myself by just accepting his 'truths' and not letting myself SEE what the reality is. I am pretty much a chicken when it comes to it but I have been doing well. I don't like to hurt anyone's feelings, even when mine are crushed, and floating in the wind like dust particles.

I do find that my motives use to be my own form of emotional blackmail (co-dependent issue) now my motive is MY emotional stability.

Freedom1990

That was a hard one for me to get past too, hoping for a particular outcome. Even when I learned not to blurt it out, but took time to think before I spoke, I still had hopes in the back of my mind.

Eventually I came to see that I had to detach from my oldest AD in more ways than one, and simply could no longer have much contact with her at all.

blessed4x

Thank you cmc! I have no good advice for jehnifer because I don't have this concept mastered.....just the other night I said to STBXAH "I don't want to see you, hear you, or smell you for one more minute so you'd better figure out a way to get out and now". Not one of my finest moments, LOL!

I kept all of my feelings bottled up for 21 years, just like you jehnifer, and the only thing I can say is that once they do start coming out it is hard to find balance. I have heard this from others as well.

I tried the letter thing and it didn't work well for me because he conveniently washed it in his pants pocket, then later made fun of the things I had poured my heart out about. It may have worked better for others though.

CatsnDogs4Me

I, too, have a very difficult time expressing my negative feelings. What helps me is writing down what I want to say first (a day or two or more ahead of time) & then reciting it over & over in my head, so when I get up the courage to say it, the words come out almost by rote. I feel for you because this is one of my biggest hurdles, as well.

queenteree

I, personally, don't say anything I feel to my AH. It falls on deaf ears, only to start a dialogue where the blame will be shifted to me, an argument would ensue, etc. It's the typical codie/alkie dance, which I no longer want to be a part of. I just start doing things that make me happy and don't include him, unless of course, when he is sober, and makes me think he's working a program, but then again, read my post about how all that turned out.

I would just do what makes me happy and never mind the rest.