I am so lost....
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 45
I am so lost....
I don't know what to do right now, my husband and I are both recovering addicts and I thought we were both doing really well. But my husband has been on a two day drinking binge now. He's an alcoholic and is, or was in AA. And I am an opiate addict and in NA. He had a little over 30 days this time, and before that almost 90 days. I am very active in my recovery now and in the past I was so wrapped up in his addiction that I didn't focus on my own. But I can't do that anymore. I've been there for him and always forgave him, but its always the same s**t, he comes home stumbling drunk, wrecks the house, once dropped a bike on top of our daughter when she was about 10 months old, but she wasn't hurt, pees and pukes all over the house. And thats when he does decide to come home. He's stayed out all night several times and to this day I have no clue where he was. This cycle is absolutely the worst thing I've ever experienced.
Anyway, I know that relapse is part of recovery, but my husband said he doesn't feel like he is done drinking yet.. We have a two year old daughter, and I can't let her grow up in an environment like this, with an active alcoholic for a dad. I love him so much but really feel that I may need to leave him if he choses alcohol over sobriety. He said that the whole time he was sober he knew he would get do this again. And he seems to have a great time doing it.
What I'm even more confused about is that his sponsor told him that maybe he needed to go out and drink if he felt he wasn't done yet, and the next day he did just that. Is that what sponsors are suposse to do? I thought they are there to talk you out of relapsing, not into it..:wtf2
If anyone can give me any advice or any words to help me through this, I am completly lost right now and don't know what to do. I don't want to be a single parent but maybe I'll have to. I basically have been anyway.
Anyway, I know that relapse is part of recovery, but my husband said he doesn't feel like he is done drinking yet.. We have a two year old daughter, and I can't let her grow up in an environment like this, with an active alcoholic for a dad. I love him so much but really feel that I may need to leave him if he choses alcohol over sobriety. He said that the whole time he was sober he knew he would get do this again. And he seems to have a great time doing it.
What I'm even more confused about is that his sponsor told him that maybe he needed to go out and drink if he felt he wasn't done yet, and the next day he did just that. Is that what sponsors are suposse to do? I thought they are there to talk you out of relapsing, not into it..:wtf2
If anyone can give me any advice or any words to help me through this, I am completly lost right now and don't know what to do. I don't want to be a single parent but maybe I'll have to. I basically have been anyway.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: CA desert
Posts: 1,599
Hi acehood,
It really does sound as if your husband may not be ready to hang up his drinking yet.
Although it's truly an unfortunate situation, you're focus has to be on your own recovery and taking care of your daughter. The absolute number 1 priority for you right now is to safeguard your own recovery. His recovery is his business, and you can't make it happen for him. You can only do what is necessary to protect your daughter and yourself from becoming caught up further into his abyss.
I wish you well on your journey toward a healthy life and hope that he will awaken to the devastation he is sowing now.
It really does sound as if your husband may not be ready to hang up his drinking yet.
Although it's truly an unfortunate situation, you're focus has to be on your own recovery and taking care of your daughter. The absolute number 1 priority for you right now is to safeguard your own recovery. His recovery is his business, and you can't make it happen for him. You can only do what is necessary to protect your daughter and yourself from becoming caught up further into his abyss.
I wish you well on your journey toward a healthy life and hope that he will awaken to the devastation he is sowing now.
Forum Leader
Join Date: Dec 2008
Posts: 10,944
Congratulations on your continued recovery!!! That is fantastic news!!!
I'm sorry to hear about your AH. It sounds as though he may be dangerous to both you and your daughter. Are you willing to continue having an active addict as an influence in your daugher's life? Just something to think about.....
Your AH's sponsor may have sensed that your husband had not reached his bottom yet. While it may or may not have been the right thing to say, no one else is responsible for your husband's drinking--not the sponsor, not you, no one but him.
Sounds as though your husband has chosen drinking over sobriety. So....what are you going to choose?
Hugs, prayers, and best wishes on your continued recovery!!
HG
I'm sorry to hear about your AH. It sounds as though he may be dangerous to both you and your daughter. Are you willing to continue having an active addict as an influence in your daugher's life? Just something to think about.....
Your AH's sponsor may have sensed that your husband had not reached his bottom yet. While it may or may not have been the right thing to say, no one else is responsible for your husband's drinking--not the sponsor, not you, no one but him.
Sounds as though your husband has chosen drinking over sobriety. So....what are you going to choose?
Hugs, prayers, and best wishes on your continued recovery!!
HG
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Anyway, I know that relapse is part of recovery, but my husband said he doesn't feel like he is done drinking yet.
I have been on both sides of the fence, as a recovering alcoholic/addict, and I was married to an active alcoholic/addict, and I have a 31 year old daughter who's an active addict/alcoholic.
My sponsor has over 28 years clean/sober now. He has never relapsed. I once threw 4 years out the window, and I can assure you, that was not a part of my recovery. I was not done drinking yet, and made the choice to do so again.
What I learned from my own relapse is that I will never ever put myself in a relationship again with an alcoholic/addict.
It's easy for me to say my recovery comes first and foremost, but it is an insidious process of losing myself when involved with someone in active alcoholism/addiction.
I won't put myself in that position today, and I sincerely hope you are able to focus on what is best for you and that precious daughter of yours. :ghug :ghug
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Hi acehood,
I've read and re-read your post, and I don't see where you're lost at all. You seem to know what you want:
--A healthy life for your daughter
--A healthy chance to maintain your own sobriety
--A marriage that feels safe, happy, and supportive
etc.
I think you might FEEL lost because you're engaging in the magical thinking that goes like this: If I just do the right things, say the right things, I can make AH be the person I need him to be (safe, caring, done drinking, committed to his sobriety, not peeing on everything, etc.)
You aren't lost...you're just faced with some very difficult choices right now that you don't want to have to make. He does not want to be that person right now, and he may never want to be that person. It's a terribly sad situation, and I'm sorry you find yourself in it.
BUT, in light of the fact that you can't change his choices, you may have to do some hard things. Here on this board you will see that it's a situation that others have overcome, especially in the name of protecting their children, and you can too if you wish to. You will have to make the tough decision as to which is more valuable to you: Your husband's "love" or your daughter's health and happiness (and your own). It's very hard.
Keep posting here...there's a lot of support to be had as you work through this.
I've read and re-read your post, and I don't see where you're lost at all. You seem to know what you want:
--A healthy life for your daughter
--A healthy chance to maintain your own sobriety
--A marriage that feels safe, happy, and supportive
etc.
I think you might FEEL lost because you're engaging in the magical thinking that goes like this: If I just do the right things, say the right things, I can make AH be the person I need him to be (safe, caring, done drinking, committed to his sobriety, not peeing on everything, etc.)
You aren't lost...you're just faced with some very difficult choices right now that you don't want to have to make. He does not want to be that person right now, and he may never want to be that person. It's a terribly sad situation, and I'm sorry you find yourself in it.
BUT, in light of the fact that you can't change his choices, you may have to do some hard things. Here on this board you will see that it's a situation that others have overcome, especially in the name of protecting their children, and you can too if you wish to. You will have to make the tough decision as to which is more valuable to you: Your husband's "love" or your daughter's health and happiness (and your own). It's very hard.
Keep posting here...there's a lot of support to be had as you work through this.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 45
Thank you all so much for your words of encouragement and truth. I know in my heart what right thing to do is, and like many of you said I just don't want to make a decision like that. It will be so painful for me but whats worse, right??
Right now he's home and puking saying "I'm never drinking again". right never heard that before.
I also just started my own business as a beauty consultant and today is my business debut. I'm having all my family, friends and co workers there to support me, and this should be good for me to get my mind off things for a few hours. So I really want and need to be focused on this today, but the current situation in my home is trying to prevent that.
When someone else is going through something like this, its so easy to see what should be done. But when you're the one going through it, its the hardest thing to do what needs to be done.
I appreciate everyone here at SR, I don't really have anyone else to talk to about all this, so Thank you everyone for being there for me, it really means sooo much to me at a time like this.:ghug
Right now he's home and puking saying "I'm never drinking again". right never heard that before.
I also just started my own business as a beauty consultant and today is my business debut. I'm having all my family, friends and co workers there to support me, and this should be good for me to get my mind off things for a few hours. So I really want and need to be focused on this today, but the current situation in my home is trying to prevent that.
When someone else is going through something like this, its so easy to see what should be done. But when you're the one going through it, its the hardest thing to do what needs to be done.
I appreciate everyone here at SR, I don't really have anyone else to talk to about all this, so Thank you everyone for being there for me, it really means sooo much to me at a time like this.:ghug
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
"once dropped a bike on top of our daughter when she was about 10 months old, but she wasn't hurt"
WHAT?? he could have seriously injured her or even killed her!!
Look acehood, I believe adult choices are your own if you are the only one who gets damaged... but seriously, what is so wrong with you to stand alongside a man who is capable of doing this to a 10-MONTH-OLD BABY??
Sorry but this really got me angry...
Ok. Breathing now.
Its very hard to know the "good them" but they are not the potential, they are who they are NOW. "I will never drink again" yeahhhhhhh sure... ex AHbf also said that sometimes. Since our breakup he has been on a 6-month binge. So much for empty words.
Anyhow, I congratulate you on your recovery, I hope everything goes well regarding your own business, that's wonderful... you see there are many people rooting for YOU, and for your daughter so just know you are strong and will get through this.
Perhaps you will be a single parent, but from what you told us, it seems you have already been one. I am sorry he is relapsing. That is HIS problem though.
All the best to you and sorry if I sounded harsh earlier.. I just got very angry at him, and also at you for not protecting your baby and getting away from him right away (of course its easy from the outside, I know)
WHAT?? he could have seriously injured her or even killed her!!
Look acehood, I believe adult choices are your own if you are the only one who gets damaged... but seriously, what is so wrong with you to stand alongside a man who is capable of doing this to a 10-MONTH-OLD BABY??
Sorry but this really got me angry...
Ok. Breathing now.
Its very hard to know the "good them" but they are not the potential, they are who they are NOW. "I will never drink again" yeahhhhhhh sure... ex AHbf also said that sometimes. Since our breakup he has been on a 6-month binge. So much for empty words.
Anyhow, I congratulate you on your recovery, I hope everything goes well regarding your own business, that's wonderful... you see there are many people rooting for YOU, and for your daughter so just know you are strong and will get through this.
Perhaps you will be a single parent, but from what you told us, it seems you have already been one. I am sorry he is relapsing. That is HIS problem though.
All the best to you and sorry if I sounded harsh earlier.. I just got very angry at him, and also at you for not protecting your baby and getting away from him right away (of course its easy from the outside, I know)
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Join Date: Oct 2007
Location: Manchester UK
Posts: 1,017
Originally Posted by Dreamer999 
Look acehood, I believe adult choices are your own if you are the only one who gets damaged... but seriously, what is so wrong with you to stand alongside a man who is capable of doing this to a 10-MONTH-OLD BABY??
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 45
Dreamer, I completely understand you getting angry, and I didn't tell the entire story there either, so I appologise for that. This incident happened while we were waiting for daddy to get home from "work" late one night. My daughter was crawling when he waltzed in the door with his bicycle. As I stood up to run and grab her she headed to Daddy and he stumbled with bike in hand, and holy sh**... I've never felt like inflicting pain upon someone as much as I did at that moment. 
I did actually leave to stay with my aunt that night.
Things can happen so fast with kids (and drunks) that we can't always prevent them. And I wasn't expecting him to come home drunk...
Not trying to make excuses, I am the one who married an alcoholic/addict. At that time I just really wanted him to change so badly that I just kept thinking that he would, in time. But reality has bit me in the ass with this binge. I gave him an ultimatum and I really mean what I say this time. My daughter is so much more important than trying to be with someone like this.
Anyway, sorry for rambling, but so often we only share parts of our stories and don't realize that not everyone knows what we're talking about. I love all the support I get here and the support I share with all of you here at SR. You are so right Lucy..
Thank you again
27 days clean and countin
g.....
I did actually leave to stay with my aunt that night.Things can happen so fast with kids (and drunks) that we can't always prevent them. And I wasn't expecting him to come home drunk...
Not trying to make excuses, I am the one who married an alcoholic/addict. At that time I just really wanted him to change so badly that I just kept thinking that he would, in time. But reality has bit me in the ass with this binge. I gave him an ultimatum and I really mean what I say this time. My daughter is so much more important than trying to be with someone like this.
Anyway, sorry for rambling, but so often we only share parts of our stories and don't realize that not everyone knows what we're talking about. I love all the support I get here and the support I share with all of you here at SR. You are so right Lucy..
Thank you again
27 days clean and countin
g.....
Member
Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Dreamer, if & when you decide to have kids, remind me never to mess with any of them. I understand that kneejerk reaction when kids are put in danger, it's one a lot of us here have frequently LOL
Acehood, thanks for understanding that dynamic, and good luck with your business - that's really exciting !!! Do whatever it takes to ensure a safe and healthy life for yourself and your daughter. It is hard to shift that importance off him and onto you, but it really does open you up to a lot more joy.
Acehood, thanks for understanding that dynamic, and good luck with your business - that's really exciting !!! Do whatever it takes to ensure a safe and healthy life for yourself and your daughter. It is hard to shift that importance off him and onto you, but it really does open you up to a lot more joy.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2007
Location: USA
Posts: 646
Have you ever tried Alanon? Also many people on here have favorite books, one of which is 'Codpendent No More" and others use individual counseling to help through situations such as yours. My choice was all three.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: Oregon
Posts: 45
I just started looking for alanon meetings in my area, and I'm not finding very many. I'm not sure if I'm even looking in the right places.
Can anyone tell me how to find al anon meetings online state by state?
Thanks a million everyone.
28 days clean, and counting...
Can anyone tell me how to find al anon meetings online state by state?
Thanks a million everyone.
28 days clean, and counting...
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