First AlAnon Meeting and Why can't I ever be sick?
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
First AlAnon Meeting and Why can't I ever be sick?
I knew I was going to be late but knew I needed to go. Everyone was very welcoming and more than one person came up to me and told me they had been in the same horrible place I am now-knowing that when I leave there will be violence. One woman gave me the name of address of the battered women's shelter and all warned how easily the verbal violence can escalate. They told me the shelter would be able to help me make the transition easier for my kids so we could all be safe.
I am very happy I went. I have been walking on eggshells all day. I was sick today and had to take my son in for hearing tests. I went to the meeting, came home and went to bed--read and slept and then picked our other son up from school. I ashed AH if he could pick up our younger son from preschool. He did but when I did not want to make dinner (I sick for Pete's sake) and the kids asked for Chinese he complained then he would have to go out and get it and asked if he just gave me the money could I take the kids to the video store and pick up the food. Why--because he is taking his campral and it is not making him feel good. I told him no--there were leftovers from last night. He got the phone and told me to call it in. Fine--I did. He changed his mind about 3 times about what he wanted and of course when it got here I had ordered the wrong thing (it was one of the 3 selections and he had said it so many times)--quite honestly I just wanted to call in the order and go back to sleep. So he got all pissy that it was not the last thing I said.
At this point I am thinking--I can NEVER be sick. He is always sicker. I probably take one or two sick days a year. I remember once I had that norvo (?sp) virus and was so dehydrated I needed to go to ugent care and he complained because he had to take me--and then complained while there (me with my bucket in front of me) because he was going to have to watch the kids. I needed 3 liters of fluids and they almost put me in the hospital and he was complaining about how much time it was taking, he had to take the kids home and put them to bed, could I take a cab home. The nurses were looking at me like--is he kidding?
Anyway, I just looked at him and told him next time he should just order his own food and he could be assured he would not be forced to eat the first thing he told me to get.
Really, why is it they are the only ones that ever get to be sick. I had surgery once and he had to sign something to say he was staying home that evening. He dropped me off at home and gave me the phone and told me to call him if I needed anything. If I have the flu and the kids get sick he does not stay home to help. If he is sick and the kids are sick I have to to take of work to take care of the kids.
I am very happy I went. I have been walking on eggshells all day. I was sick today and had to take my son in for hearing tests. I went to the meeting, came home and went to bed--read and slept and then picked our other son up from school. I ashed AH if he could pick up our younger son from preschool. He did but when I did not want to make dinner (I sick for Pete's sake) and the kids asked for Chinese he complained then he would have to go out and get it and asked if he just gave me the money could I take the kids to the video store and pick up the food. Why--because he is taking his campral and it is not making him feel good. I told him no--there were leftovers from last night. He got the phone and told me to call it in. Fine--I did. He changed his mind about 3 times about what he wanted and of course when it got here I had ordered the wrong thing (it was one of the 3 selections and he had said it so many times)--quite honestly I just wanted to call in the order and go back to sleep. So he got all pissy that it was not the last thing I said.
At this point I am thinking--I can NEVER be sick. He is always sicker. I probably take one or two sick days a year. I remember once I had that norvo (?sp) virus and was so dehydrated I needed to go to ugent care and he complained because he had to take me--and then complained while there (me with my bucket in front of me) because he was going to have to watch the kids. I needed 3 liters of fluids and they almost put me in the hospital and he was complaining about how much time it was taking, he had to take the kids home and put them to bed, could I take a cab home. The nurses were looking at me like--is he kidding?
Anyway, I just looked at him and told him next time he should just order his own food and he could be assured he would not be forced to eat the first thing he told me to get.
Really, why is it they are the only ones that ever get to be sick. I had surgery once and he had to sign something to say he was staying home that evening. He dropped me off at home and gave me the phone and told me to call him if I needed anything. If I have the flu and the kids get sick he does not stay home to help. If he is sick and the kids are sick I have to to take of work to take care of the kids.
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
Not all marriages are like the one you find yourself in, wife2kids.
In a healthy marriage we're allowed to be sick, allowed to grow, allowed to do all kinds of things because we're partners. In relationships with addicted people, you give up that partnership and become the caregiver.
You just have to decide whether this is good enough for you for the rest of your life.
Hope you feel better!!
In a healthy marriage we're allowed to be sick, allowed to grow, allowed to do all kinds of things because we're partners. In relationships with addicted people, you give up that partnership and become the caregiver.
You just have to decide whether this is good enough for you for the rest of your life.
Hope you feel better!!
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Join Date: Jul 2008
Posts: 693
No it is not GiveLove. I am unsure if there will be someone at the shelter who can give me advice on how to leave with the kids--how to deal with daycare, school and all of that since we are not divorced. I have called the lawyer (not in but I left the message). I have the money in MY checking account (I opened my own account in December) so I can write the lawyer a check on Monday. I have applied for a new job that is on the other side of the city (or possibly in a city about 75 miles away from here). I already checked the other city to make sure there are the specialists my kids need (there are). I know a few people in that city I can call who will be able to tell me the good neighborhoods to move into--and who will be a good support network for my kids. I have checked out the AlAnon situation in that city too.
No gaurantee I will get the job. I'm qualified but it is a transfer position and sometimes they already have people in mind when those are out there but are just going through the motions.
So I think I am moving in the right direction. AH is out of the house today and I need to start getting the kids summer clothes out. On that pretense I am going to start packing some of their things in boxes so when I leave I will have some of their stuff with me.
The thing is, it is pretty sad that I have allowed myself to be such a doormat. The other thing is--so many people on the outside world have always seen me as a strong independent woman. I think I was doing what I always did--just had my walls built up so no one would know what was going on inside them. Strong-no but to them it looked like that. Now that I am taking that wall around myself out one brick at a time I am not always liking what I see. But I cannot rebuild myself until the rest of the walls are knocked down and put back up the way they should be built. Did that make sense?
No gaurantee I will get the job. I'm qualified but it is a transfer position and sometimes they already have people in mind when those are out there but are just going through the motions.
So I think I am moving in the right direction. AH is out of the house today and I need to start getting the kids summer clothes out. On that pretense I am going to start packing some of their things in boxes so when I leave I will have some of their stuff with me.
The thing is, it is pretty sad that I have allowed myself to be such a doormat. The other thing is--so many people on the outside world have always seen me as a strong independent woman. I think I was doing what I always did--just had my walls built up so no one would know what was going on inside them. Strong-no but to them it looked like that. Now that I am taking that wall around myself out one brick at a time I am not always liking what I see. But I cannot rebuild myself until the rest of the walls are knocked down and put back up the way they should be built. Did that make sense?
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Join Date: Dec 2006
Location: Stumbling toward happiness
Posts: 4,706
It makes perfect sense to me.
I just wanted to make sure you knew there was someone out here who thinks you should be supported in sickness and in health, and who supports your efforts to remove yourself from a situation where you're not valued.
It's not that you can't be sick. It's just that you can't be sick WITH HIM. That doesn't fit with an addict's program of "I have an idea....I'll take care of me, and YOU take care of me too!!"
You're doing the right things. There will be plenty of time later to wonder "how did I allow myself to get here" when you're not worried about jobs, money, and personal violence. Just put one careful step in front of the other.
Have you read the "how to leave" stickie post? That's really valuable, and talks about specifics (paperwork, keys, all kinds of small details)
Sending you good juju for that job!!!!!!
I just wanted to make sure you knew there was someone out here who thinks you should be supported in sickness and in health, and who supports your efforts to remove yourself from a situation where you're not valued.
It's not that you can't be sick. It's just that you can't be sick WITH HIM. That doesn't fit with an addict's program of "I have an idea....I'll take care of me, and YOU take care of me too!!"
You're doing the right things. There will be plenty of time later to wonder "how did I allow myself to get here" when you're not worried about jobs, money, and personal violence. Just put one careful step in front of the other.
Have you read the "how to leave" stickie post? That's really valuable, and talks about specifics (paperwork, keys, all kinds of small details)
Sending you good juju for that job!!!!!!
Member
Join Date: Apr 2009
Location: ohio
Posts: 39
As an alcoholic, one of the first things that I learned was that we are a very selfish bunch. Everything revolves around our needs, wants, etc. It's part of the disease that we need to work on fixing. I didn't realize how selfish I was until I started AA and got off the alcohol 100%. So, chances are if your AH is just getting off the alcohol w/o the help of AA/counselling, it will never be okay for you to have needs.
It sounds like you are on the right track for you and your children. You are making a plan that is reasonable and well thought out, you have prepared it sounds like since you opened that account in Dec, and you are open to the idea of getting assistance from the shelter.
Please keep us posted on how things turn out for you. :ghug3
It sounds like you are on the right track for you and your children. You are making a plan that is reasonable and well thought out, you have prepared it sounds like since you opened that account in Dec, and you are open to the idea of getting assistance from the shelter.
Please keep us posted on how things turn out for you. :ghug3
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Introuble,
Thank you for that insight. As the former partner of an active A, it helps me to hear from recovered A's who are willing to be honest about what was going on with them during the height of their illness. It just helps to reasure me that what I felt/thought wasn't just in my head. It isn't validation exactly, but hearing from people like you helps me to heal.
Miss
Thank you for that insight. As the former partner of an active A, it helps me to hear from recovered A's who are willing to be honest about what was going on with them during the height of their illness. It just helps to reasure me that what I felt/thought wasn't just in my head. It isn't validation exactly, but hearing from people like you helps me to heal.
Miss
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
I'd say you are on the right course! Good for you in taking the steps you are taking!
As for feeling bad about your choices in the past, don't be too hard on yourself. We are "fixers" — natural by nature. Alcoholics are "users" — and come by it quite naturally.
You did what you thought was necessary.
I know exactly what you mean when you ask "Why can't I be sick?" It was that way in my relationship also.
Make sure you take the needed steps to be safe. And try not to look at all the challenges that are in your path all at the same time. Take one day at a time, and keep your eye on the goal line. You'll get there.
God knows where you are, and is there with you. Ask him to guide you. I can honestly say without doubt that only my faith brought me out of where I was.
I'm cheering for you as well!!!!!!!!!
As for feeling bad about your choices in the past, don't be too hard on yourself. We are "fixers" — natural by nature. Alcoholics are "users" — and come by it quite naturally.
You did what you thought was necessary.
I know exactly what you mean when you ask "Why can't I be sick?" It was that way in my relationship also.
Make sure you take the needed steps to be safe. And try not to look at all the challenges that are in your path all at the same time. Take one day at a time, and keep your eye on the goal line. You'll get there.
God knows where you are, and is there with you. Ask him to guide you. I can honestly say without doubt that only my faith brought me out of where I was.
I'm cheering for you as well!!!!!!!!!
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