Issues and Feelings that come up through Divorce process
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Join Date: Jul 2007
Posts: 237
Issues and Feelings that come up through Divorce process
I'm in the process of divorcing STBXAH. His manipulation has not stopped. If anything, it's stepped up. Like so many of you have said so many times before, he's a true "Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde"--the good sober guy still exists, and I even still love that guy, but he's to the point now where even when he says he's "on the wagon for good" it only last for a couple of weeks at most.
The good news is, I'm firm in my resolve. I have no longer given him the false hope that we can "be together in the future". I'm detaching more and more each day. I'm in counseling, and I plan to add Al-Anon too once my school year is over (in two weeks).
The bad news? I still have pangs of guilt when I think of him being all alone. He has very little support other than me. He still claims that I am the love of his life. When he and his first wife divorced, he was relieved to be rid of her, so he could spend more time drinking. Now, he doesn't even really enjoy drinking--if you know what I mean. Obviously, all addicts enjoy it on some level, but whereas before he would go out to bars and socialize and get wasted, now he solitarily drinks to stave off depression. It's just--depressing for me to think about, this man that still has good qualities, sitting in a dirty place all alone day after day drinking himself to death. Because of this, I still can't bring myself to go full "no contact" with him. That wouldn't be completely possible for me anyway, as we have a daughter together, and when he's "together" and sober, I let him see her, but sometimes its because I do feel sorry for him and want to be a friendly voice for him. Of course, that sometimes backfires and devolves into him hurling abuse at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
I'm also worried about coming up with a "parenting plan" with such an erratic individual. It's like--I don't mind him seeing his daughter when he's sober, but don't want him to see her when he's drunk. I can't see being able to come up with something normal like every-other weekend.
Lastly, and this is probably me being too much of a worrywart, but I feel guilty over the fact that he will lose his health insurance when we divorce unless and/or until he can manage to get and keep a job that pays health benefits. He had a malignant melanoma a few years back that would have killed him if it hadn't been caught and removed in time. He's telling me now that he has a suspicious looking mole on his face--of course, he still hasn't managed to make an appt. with the dermatologist to have it looked at while he still IS covered. But I get scared sometimes that after the divorce, something will go really wrong with him medically and then...what? What do uninsured people do? He's got the worst credit in the world due to TONS of unpaid student loans. So he'd just...die all alone of cancer, then, with no treatment? See--I let my fears run away from me sometimes.
Any thoughts, suggestions or words of wisdom on how to "self-talk" my way through some of these fears would be appreciated.
The good news is, I'm firm in my resolve. I have no longer given him the false hope that we can "be together in the future". I'm detaching more and more each day. I'm in counseling, and I plan to add Al-Anon too once my school year is over (in two weeks).
The bad news? I still have pangs of guilt when I think of him being all alone. He has very little support other than me. He still claims that I am the love of his life. When he and his first wife divorced, he was relieved to be rid of her, so he could spend more time drinking. Now, he doesn't even really enjoy drinking--if you know what I mean. Obviously, all addicts enjoy it on some level, but whereas before he would go out to bars and socialize and get wasted, now he solitarily drinks to stave off depression. It's just--depressing for me to think about, this man that still has good qualities, sitting in a dirty place all alone day after day drinking himself to death. Because of this, I still can't bring myself to go full "no contact" with him. That wouldn't be completely possible for me anyway, as we have a daughter together, and when he's "together" and sober, I let him see her, but sometimes its because I do feel sorry for him and want to be a friendly voice for him. Of course, that sometimes backfires and devolves into him hurling abuse at me and telling me I've ruined his life.
I'm also worried about coming up with a "parenting plan" with such an erratic individual. It's like--I don't mind him seeing his daughter when he's sober, but don't want him to see her when he's drunk. I can't see being able to come up with something normal like every-other weekend.
Lastly, and this is probably me being too much of a worrywart, but I feel guilty over the fact that he will lose his health insurance when we divorce unless and/or until he can manage to get and keep a job that pays health benefits. He had a malignant melanoma a few years back that would have killed him if it hadn't been caught and removed in time. He's telling me now that he has a suspicious looking mole on his face--of course, he still hasn't managed to make an appt. with the dermatologist to have it looked at while he still IS covered. But I get scared sometimes that after the divorce, something will go really wrong with him medically and then...what? What do uninsured people do? He's got the worst credit in the world due to TONS of unpaid student loans. So he'd just...die all alone of cancer, then, with no treatment? See--I let my fears run away from me sometimes.
Any thoughts, suggestions or words of wisdom on how to "self-talk" my way through some of these fears would be appreciated.
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Join Date: May 2008
Location: MO
Posts: 743
I'm getting alot of guilt thrown at me too. In my head, sometines a hundred times a day, I say "his actions, his consequences". Sometimes I say it out loud, and I have said it to him. I am starting to believe it.
You are a compassionate woman. Most of us are....that's part of what got us into this mess to begin with. Learning a way to have compassion without getting enmeshed in a sick way is what I'm learning in counseling and Alanon. I am no longer willing to abandon mySELF to have a relationship.
((((hugs)))) I know the pain, because I'm right in the middle of it as well. It will pass.
You are a compassionate woman. Most of us are....that's part of what got us into this mess to begin with. Learning a way to have compassion without getting enmeshed in a sick way is what I'm learning in counseling and Alanon. I am no longer willing to abandon mySELF to have a relationship.
((((hugs)))) I know the pain, because I'm right in the middle of it as well. It will pass.
A jug fills drop by drop
Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 6,784
Mambo
Although its easier to say it, you are not his mom. He should have saved $$, paid his loans, any person that is really worried about his health will drop everything and run to the doctor right away. You take care of yourself. Let HP take care of him.
I wish it was easier to practice this, but you seem to be doing very well taking care of you!!
Although its easier to say it, you are not his mom. He should have saved $$, paid his loans, any person that is really worried about his health will drop everything and run to the doctor right away. You take care of yourself. Let HP take care of him.
I wish it was easier to practice this, but you seem to be doing very well taking care of you!!
Member
Join Date: Nov 2008
Location: back from the brink
Posts: 457
Navigating your way through a divorce is probably one of the most challenging situations you'll find in your life path. I just completed mine.
My advice is to take one day at a time. Solve one problem at a time, while keeping your eye on the final outcome. It is the only way to get through it.
Get a good attorney, it is worth it. Not only will you feel confident (and WE really need that support) but they will work to provide the best outcome for your daughter as well.
Ask for supervised visitation if you can. Many states will recommend this as a venue of contact with the alcoholic parent - especially if they are active and not in rehab and aftercare.
As for your responsibilities to your AH... he did this to himself. You did NOT cause it, and are NOT responsible for it, or him. If you continue to help him, he most definately will NOT find recovery. Hard as it is, you have to cut the emotional strings. Start to focus on you and your daughter. That is your responsibility.
You'll be OK.
My advice is to take one day at a time. Solve one problem at a time, while keeping your eye on the final outcome. It is the only way to get through it.
Get a good attorney, it is worth it. Not only will you feel confident (and WE really need that support) but they will work to provide the best outcome for your daughter as well.
Ask for supervised visitation if you can. Many states will recommend this as a venue of contact with the alcoholic parent - especially if they are active and not in rehab and aftercare.
As for your responsibilities to your AH... he did this to himself. You did NOT cause it, and are NOT responsible for it, or him. If you continue to help him, he most definately will NOT find recovery. Hard as it is, you have to cut the emotional strings. Start to focus on you and your daughter. That is your responsibility.
You'll be OK.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2006
Location: behind the viewfinder...
Posts: 6,278
Trying to be the parent/caretaker/savior of a grown man was the most devastating, exhausting, soul-destroying thing I've ever done in my life. I thought he was my responsibility. And the more I took on that responsibility, the more happy he was to let me. The more I treated him like an incompetent, helpless child, the more he acted like one.
Many of the same fears you express plagued me as I slowly learned to let go. I know now that I imagined myself to be much more powerful and important than I really am. I was never in control of him, no matter how much I told myself I could be. Controlling the outcome of his life was an impossible goal, and one I nearly killed myself trying to attain.
How things turn out for him is not up to you. The sooner you realize that, the sooner he will, too. And you will BOTH be better off.
L
Many of the same fears you express plagued me as I slowly learned to let go. I know now that I imagined myself to be much more powerful and important than I really am. I was never in control of him, no matter how much I told myself I could be. Controlling the outcome of his life was an impossible goal, and one I nearly killed myself trying to attain.
How things turn out for him is not up to you. The sooner you realize that, the sooner he will, too. And you will BOTH be better off.
L
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