Rebecca4

I hoped that someone might be able to offer some calming words. I am really mad and it is not doing me, my baby or my relationshio any good.

My mum has always been a heavy drinker. She can be very difficult and judgemental. She is not very family focused, prefering to dedicate her time to her friends and career.
She is in her 60's and recently retired from her job as nurse specialist. I know she thinks her status as a nurse defines her, if that make sense. She works for an agency now, mainly on a weekend.

To cut a long story short she has started to drink very heavily. Every phonecall I have with her, she has had far too much to drink. She slurs, one minute she is aggressive, the next over emotional. She has an awful habit of ringing round family, friends and colleagues will drunk. It has got to the point where these people have started to comment.

The thing I find hard is that a year ago, I struggled with drinking too much myself. However, at first she was symathetic, but after three times, she was highly judgmental, even went to al-anon.

At the moment the only time I speak to her when she is sober is when she is crying promising it wont happen again and begging me not to tell my younger sister.
I try not to be hard, but why should I afford her what she did not afford me.
She is so lucky. Four holidays abroad a year, paid for by my Dad. Lunch out with her mates.
I never do any mother daughter things with her. She is more interested in keeping up appearances with her medical friends or looking after her other friends. This hurts as I am four months pregnant with my first baby, her first grandchild.
But I feel so angry. When I struggled she judged and spoke in a tone of voice that I will never ever forget. I'm sure part of my issue is that she has never, ever been maternal. I got very very down especially as all I had in my life was work and had been trying for a child for five years with no success.

My Dad is at his wits end and recently said there has been violence. He is nearly 75. Now he sleeps in his car to get away from her or goes to bed early.
Tonight I spoke to her, advised her to go to bed. She turned nasty. Then I sat and worried that my sister might find out and she might never talk to her again. I felt so wound up, I picked a row with my boyfriend and we are not talking.
I sent her a text saying how she promised this would not happen again etc. I almost want to recored her slurring on the phone so that I can play it to her and she can realise.
It's just always all about her and her standards that others never meet.

I'm sorry this is so long.

B
x

Still Waters

Big *hugs* Rebecca.

You can't fix her, and you can't make her what she isn't (maternal).

Sometimes we have to find our own "family", sad to say. I can understand your worry about your Dad, maybe he would benefit from Al-Anon meetings? You also.

GiveLove

True, true, Rebecca.

I stopped talking to my A family members when they called drunk.

Ever.

If they call drunk, I tell them, "I will not talk to you when you're drunk. Call back when you are sober," and I hang up. And unplug the telephone if necessary. No negotiation.

Can I ask why it's such a big crisis if your little sister knows? And why it is your problem that your mother is so worried about it? If your sister finds out your mom is a raging drunk now, perhaps that would be the best thing. Perhaps it's best that EVERYONE knows exactly what's going on, instead of dodging in and out of secrecy about it.

I had to let the alcoholics in my family go, and stop exposing myself to their crazy horrible antics. To do that, I had to let go of my old preconceptions about how family ought to look and act.

(My "family of choice" is far more supportive, far more kind to me than my so-called "real" family ever was.)

I'd urge you to detach from the madness as much as you can, as though your life depended on it. Give your father the times and locations of local Al-Anon meetings, and explain what they're for and what they're about, and let that go too...it is his choice to stay, his choice to continue to deal with it all. Worry about what happens to grandchildren et al later, when it's time to worry.

For now, you do NOT need this, and involving yourself in the chaos is only hurting you imho

Deep breath...

Rebecca4

I think the big deal about my sister knowing is that she has been hard with my mum over her drinking. She has said that if she continues then she will walk away and this seems to terrify my mum. She is fully aware of my mums drinking. However my sister wields a lot of power in my family. My mum and dad hang off her every word. They don't do that with me, they seem to think I am not as clever as her.

I cannot deny that does not hurt me, it really does. Mum is not bothered if I know , if I witness or hear things, just as long as I don't tell my sister. I think once she has my word I won't tell, she is relieved and then she can start drinking again.

I suppose I feel I have no right to judge as I put my parents through it, although a handful of times, not every night for the last god knows how long like she has done though. That's why I cannot be hard on her.

I will see what tomorrow brings when she wakes, probably feeling rubbish, and finds my texts.
Your advice regarding hanging up is helpful. But then I think if she is not wittering away to me, will she slurring away to someone else.

longview

Then let her. You don't have to be the rubbish bin for drunken talk.

I learned in Al-anon that our secrets lose their power when exposed. And, over and over I have heard examples that show so often what we think is hidden is known by many anyway. Chances are her co-workers have noticed that family is unimportant and her career and imagined status is highly valued. They have probably also noticed that she drinks more than is wise. Further, unless you are keeping her on the phone the whole time, every time, she is drunk and wants to talk, chances are she has called others with things she thinks are brilliant.

I don't mean to be harsh. I hope you can relinquish some of the responsibilities that seem to go with keeping up (her) appearances.

Seren

Try not to stress about this too much. You shouldn't be made to protect your mother from your sister or your sister from your mother. They are grown people and can work this out on their own if you let them.

Addiction thrives on family secrecy.....don't let it. You should not be made to remain silent.

Again, you are not responsible for your mother's behavior. Her behavior will reflect badly on her, but not on you. Don't take on the shame she should be feeling, you don't own that!

I'm so sorry for all that you are going through and hope you find peace soon!

Hugs and prayers, HG

GiveLove

Rebecca, have you thought about talking all of these family dynamics over with a counselor? I found a lot of relief in that... Life got exponentially better when I no longer cared who got what, who favored who, who thought what about me, or anything else. When I could focus all of my energies on ME and the people who treated me well, and the rest could just go stew in their own juices.

Nowadays, my family's opinions, and their gossip, and their favoritism, and everything else, is like white laundry flapping on a clothesline far away...I can barely hear it, it doesn't affect my choices, and it has NO power to ruin my day.

That's what counseling did for me...maybe it could help you too?