blessed4x

I went to a counseling session with my STBXAH yesterday. My purpose in going was good, but my goals were not met. Well, maybe they were because I now know for sure that despite his best efforts to prove to the world that he's "changed", he hasn't. I went because we were going to figure out a way to communicate information about and in front of the kids that will be healthiest for all of us. I am also hoping that we can remain civil and get out of this marriage uncontested to save some big bucks. He knew, going into it that I have no intentions of delaying the proceedings.

So the counselor started out by asking him how AA was going. He hem hawed around and said he went daily for a while (5 days), then he got the jest of what they were saying, bought the book, and agreed that he's an alcoholic and right now drinking is the farthest thing from his mind. He's been once or twice in the last 2 weeks. He said he "isn't like the other people there" other than the fact they are all alcoholics, he's just "doesn't have much in common with them". I think that's a VERY slippery slope, but I'm staying out of his business, and he got no confrontation from the counselor about it.

He denied having an affair, even after being confronted by the counselor about having the woman at our house while we were gone. Whatever....he can believe what he wants. I know the truth and that's all that metters.

I guess I'm just a little disappointed that I'm going to have to give up the dream of an amicable divorce. That's nearly as hard as giving up the dream of a good marriage! There is just no reasoning with unreasonable people, and someday, maybe, I'll get that. If anyone has ideas, or tips for dealing with him I would appreciate. My main concern is the effects all of this has on the kids. I believe he is giving them false hope that the divorce will not happen because of all his "effort". Obviously, joint counseling is not the route to go.

HoopNinja

blessed I am right there next to you. I was hoping for an amicable divorce too since that would be the best thing for the kids--but that part of him that always comes first will not allow that to happen. Yesterday I found him sitting in a depressed state in our younger son's room just sitting there stroking his hair and telling him how much he loved him. Then older DS went to ask him something (AH had moved to another room) and DS came upstairs and said Daddy is really mad right now so I am just staying away from him.

Denial is a pretty strong because later in the evening I was accused of making arrangements which would force him to drink. Nothing is ever his fault.

prodigal

If I had a dollar for every time I heard this, I'd be a wealthy woman! Yeah, their problems are "special" and nobody could possibly understand them. Divorce is difficult enough, but A's enjoy making scenes, throwing a drama-fest, and having pity parties.

I'm sorry you'll have to deal with all of his b.s., but try not to react to his behavior. At least that will dampen some of his need for all the drama. My AH didn't even try to lie to our marriage therapist five years ago. As soon as the subject of his drinking came up, he was never available for sessions again - always had "meetings" that held him up at work. Yeah, right ...

GiveLove

Oh, gosh, me too. We'd be able to rent a codie resort and take all our SR friends out there for a week......

blessed4x

I'm packing now, and I hope it's sunny there cuz it's been raining here for a week!

ToughChoices

I am right there with you - such a perfectionist, I moved from the dream of a happy marriage to the dream of a happy divorce without missing a beat.

But, today, I say "amicable, shamicable"!
My ex is making CRAZY choices, drinking excessively, and throwing out shameless manipulation attempts. As a result, here's what I do to stay sane (and cover my butt legally):

I do not talk to him anymore than I absolutely have to.
I am polite.
I never say anything negative about him to our son.
Almost all of our communication is conducted via email.
I keep a business-like tone in my writing and refuse to return communication if he becomes emotional or begins laying blame.

Not talking is much more peaceful to me than having a friendship right now. Perhaps we'll be in an amicable place down the line. Today is not that day.

-TC

TakingCharge999

Count my own ex too, his path is "a lonely path" OK man.. isn't everybody's? WAKE UP!!

If they knew they are so similar to each other and we are talking basically of the same entity.. LOL.

I'd love the codie resorts, there is nothing better than a Buffet breakfast at the beach, I think taking the first plate is one of the happiest moments in my life LOL.

blessed4x

Thank you. I have issue in the fact that he's not leaving. I have to see him daily. He is cleaning, cooking, taking care of the yard. I know, sounds like I should just enjoy it while it lasts, but it's his smug arrogance that gets under my skin. He's being nice as can be and now has become the victim of my "verbal abuse"........years of putting the lid on my emotions and now, look out, they are spewing forth!

He told me tonight that he had a place to move and his attorney told him not to. I completely lost it, told him he better call his attorney and figure out what it would take to get him out, because I couldn't look at him, smell him, or hear him for one more day. I hibernate in the bedroom to avoid him, and every night he comes in, and gets in bed just like he has for 21 years. I can't take it.....I'm completely out of my head. My attorney says there really is nothing I can do, and if I can get through this next 6 weeks without getting him too riled and we can reach an agreement it will save me a LOT of money. Tonight 6 weeks is sounding like an eternity!

MissFixit

This is way out of my depth here, but you two are sleeping in the same bed and legaly separated?

blessed4x

Yep, and we are not "legally" seperated. I'm THAT stubborn. I know, I know. There are no other beds in the house (4 kids you know), I tried the couch and ended up with back spasms, and dammit I don't want to give up my memory foam mattress topper. So I have sold my soul to the devil in the name of comfort, huh?!

But you can trust there ain't nothin but sleepin goin on. :rotfxko

MissFixit

Oh Blessed. I hope you find peace for yourself. I too am stubborn. Hopefully, this is just a short term arrangement. Does that affect the outsome of your divorce or settlement?

Bernadette

I found throughout my divorce it was best to very very clear in my communications (both verbal and unspoken) to my exH and to my kids.

So if my exH was prancing around trying to show me he was a new man I would remind him, without any malice at all, that I really appreciate him doing the dishes and carrying the load that is his to carry, but NOTHING he does is going to stop me from obtaining the divorce. Nothing.

And I had many heart to hearts with my kids about what was happening- and reminded them in each conversation that Dad and I were getting a divorce, and it had absolutely nothing to do with them, it was not their fault, nor could they do anything to prevent it from happening, it was adult business, and complicated, but all they needed to know was that I love them, their dad loves them, I'm sorry it's turned out this way but this is not the worst thing that could happen to us and we will get through it together...etc.

Ditto TC about not saying anything bad about dad. In fact, I tried, especially when they were younger, to find positive things to say about their dad. It wasn't always easy, but I could usually find something, or tell some story, or remark on some positive trait in my kids that I feel their father also posesses etc.

Your STBXAH may not participate in an amicable end to this marriage but you can keep your side of that street pretty clean as it relates to your children anyway....

Also, I couldn't have tolerated exH sleeping next to me---OMG!! I would have never slept!! Can you get an air mattress!!??

Good luck B4x!

peace,
b