I shoulda known!
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I shoulda known!
I went to a counseling session with my STBXAH yesterday. My purpose in going was good, but my goals were not met. Well, maybe they were because I now know for sure that despite his best efforts to prove to the world that he's "changed", he hasn't. I went because we were going to figure out a way to communicate information about and in front of the kids that will be healthiest for all of us. I am also hoping that we can remain civil and get out of this marriage uncontested to save some big bucks. He knew, going into it that I have no intentions of delaying the proceedings.
So the counselor started out by asking him how AA was going. He hem hawed around and said he went daily for a while (5 days), then he got the jest of what they were saying, bought the book, and agreed that he's an alcoholic and right now drinking is the farthest thing from his mind. He's been once or twice in the last 2 weeks. He said he "isn't like the other people there" other than the fact they are all alcoholics, he's just "doesn't have much in common with them". I think that's a VERY slippery slope, but I'm staying out of his business, and he got no confrontation from the counselor about it.
He denied having an affair, even after being confronted by the counselor about having the woman at our house while we were gone. Whatever....he can believe what he wants. I know the truth and that's all that metters.
I guess I'm just a little disappointed that I'm going to have to give up the dream of an amicable divorce. That's nearly as hard as giving up the dream of a good marriage! There is just no reasoning with unreasonable people, and someday, maybe, I'll get that. If anyone has ideas, or tips for dealing with him I would appreciate. My main concern is the effects all of this has on the kids. I believe he is giving them false hope that the divorce will not happen because of all his "effort". Obviously, joint counseling is not the route to go.
So the counselor started out by asking him how AA was going. He hem hawed around and said he went daily for a while (5 days), then he got the jest of what they were saying, bought the book, and agreed that he's an alcoholic and right now drinking is the farthest thing from his mind. He's been once or twice in the last 2 weeks. He said he "isn't like the other people there" other than the fact they are all alcoholics, he's just "doesn't have much in common with them". I think that's a VERY slippery slope, but I'm staying out of his business, and he got no confrontation from the counselor about it.
He denied having an affair, even after being confronted by the counselor about having the woman at our house while we were gone. Whatever....he can believe what he wants. I know the truth and that's all that metters.
I guess I'm just a little disappointed that I'm going to have to give up the dream of an amicable divorce. That's nearly as hard as giving up the dream of a good marriage! There is just no reasoning with unreasonable people, and someday, maybe, I'll get that. If anyone has ideas, or tips for dealing with him I would appreciate. My main concern is the effects all of this has on the kids. I believe he is giving them false hope that the divorce will not happen because of all his "effort". Obviously, joint counseling is not the route to go.
blessed I am right there next to you. I was hoping for an amicable divorce too since that would be the best thing for the kids--but that part of him that always comes first will not allow that to happen. Yesterday I found him sitting in a depressed state in our younger son's room just sitting there stroking his hair and telling him how much he loved him. Then older DS went to ask him something (AH had moved to another room) and DS came upstairs and said Daddy is really mad right now so I am just staying away from him.
Denial is a pretty strong because later in the evening I was accused of making arrangements which would force him to drink. Nothing is ever his fault.
Denial is a pretty strong because later in the evening I was accused of making arrangements which would force him to drink. Nothing is ever his fault.
I'm sorry you'll have to deal with all of his b.s., but try not to react to his behavior. At least that will dampen some of his need for all the drama. My AH didn't even try to lie to our marriage therapist five years ago. As soon as the subject of his drinking came up, he was never available for sessions again - always had "meetings" that held him up at work. Yeah, right ...
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I am right there with you - such a perfectionist, I moved from the dream of a happy marriage to the dream of a happy divorce without missing a beat.
But, today, I say "amicable, shamicable"!
My ex is making CRAZY choices, drinking excessively, and throwing out shameless manipulation attempts. As a result, here's what I do to stay sane (and cover my butt legally):
I do not talk to him anymore than I absolutely have to.
I am polite.
I never say anything negative about him to our son.
Almost all of our communication is conducted via email.
I keep a business-like tone in my writing and refuse to return communication if he becomes emotional or begins laying blame.
Not talking is much more peaceful to me than having a friendship right now. Perhaps we'll be in an amicable place down the line. Today is not that day.
-TC
Count my own ex too, his path is "a lonely path" OK man.. isn't everybody's? WAKE UP!!
If they knew they are so similar to each other and we are talking basically of the same entity.. LOL.
I'd love the codie resorts, there is nothing better than a Buffet breakfast at the beach, I think taking the first plate is one of the happiest moments in my life LOL.
If they knew they are so similar to each other and we are talking basically of the same entity.. LOL.
I'd love the codie resorts, there is nothing better than a Buffet breakfast at the beach, I think taking the first plate is one of the happiest moments in my life LOL.
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He told me tonight that he had a place to move and his attorney told him not to. I completely lost it, told him he better call his attorney and figure out what it would take to get him out, because I couldn't look at him, smell him, or hear him for one more day. I hibernate in the bedroom to avoid him, and every night he comes in, and gets in bed just like he has for 21 years. I can't take it.....I'm completely out of my head. My attorney says there really is nothing I can do, and if I can get through this next 6 weeks without getting him too riled and we can reach an agreement it will save me a LOT of money. Tonight 6 weeks is sounding like an eternity!
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But you can trust there ain't nothin but sleepin goin on. :rotfxko
I found throughout my divorce it was best to very very clear in my communications (both verbal and unspoken) to my exH and to my kids.
So if my exH was prancing around trying to show me he was a new man I would remind him, without any malice at all, that I really appreciate him doing the dishes and carrying the load that is his to carry, but NOTHING he does is going to stop me from obtaining the divorce. Nothing.
And I had many heart to hearts with my kids about what was happening- and reminded them in each conversation that Dad and I were getting a divorce, and it had absolutely nothing to do with them, it was not their fault, nor could they do anything to prevent it from happening, it was adult business, and complicated, but all they needed to know was that I love them, their dad loves them, I'm sorry it's turned out this way but this is not the worst thing that could happen to us and we will get through it together...etc.
Ditto TC about not saying anything bad about dad. In fact, I tried, especially when they were younger, to find positive things to say about their dad. It wasn't always easy, but I could usually find something, or tell some story, or remark on some positive trait in my kids that I feel their father also posesses etc.
Your STBXAH may not participate in an amicable end to this marriage but you can keep your side of that street pretty clean as it relates to your children anyway....
Also, I couldn't have tolerated exH sleeping next to me---OMG!! I would have never slept!! Can you get an air mattress!!??
Good luck B4x!
peace,
b
So if my exH was prancing around trying to show me he was a new man I would remind him, without any malice at all, that I really appreciate him doing the dishes and carrying the load that is his to carry, but NOTHING he does is going to stop me from obtaining the divorce. Nothing.
And I had many heart to hearts with my kids about what was happening- and reminded them in each conversation that Dad and I were getting a divorce, and it had absolutely nothing to do with them, it was not their fault, nor could they do anything to prevent it from happening, it was adult business, and complicated, but all they needed to know was that I love them, their dad loves them, I'm sorry it's turned out this way but this is not the worst thing that could happen to us and we will get through it together...etc.
Ditto TC about not saying anything bad about dad. In fact, I tried, especially when they were younger, to find positive things to say about their dad. It wasn't always easy, but I could usually find something, or tell some story, or remark on some positive trait in my kids that I feel their father also posesses etc.
Your STBXAH may not participate in an amicable end to this marriage but you can keep your side of that street pretty clean as it relates to your children anyway....
Also, I couldn't have tolerated exH sleeping next to me---OMG!! I would have never slept!! Can you get an air mattress!!??
Good luck B4x!
peace,
b
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