faith2overcome

So I am new here and have only posted a few times, but some might have seen me mention already that AH is in rehab...Last Sunday I went to a family visiting day which they started with a big group therapy discussion. (I cried my eyes out the whole time and could barely talk...) AH called me last night to say they would like me to come in for a private session with him on Saturday. I said I'd do it... I'm a little nervous about what they will want to talk about. I do want to discuss plans after he has graduated from the program. We were separated since December, but of course he's been dying to come home...and now more than ever, he really wants to start marital counseling and try to start over. I know most of you will say NO DON'T DO IT!! because I actually have been more at peace since I've been on my own. But I also miss him - we've been married 3 years and have a son with another on the way (due in August), and I've always wished for a "real" family with the good person that I know AH can be when sober. I have considered that I'd be willing to allow him back IF he followed similar restrictions to those in a sober living home...specified # of meetings per week, IOP, 2 weeks to find a good job, 10 days to get a sponsor, NO alcohol or drugs (which would result in him being OUT), and help with house chores, attend marital counseling, have a money savings plan, etc. I am a little more open to giving it a try because of how it really seems like he's making a sincere effort this time. But I don't want it to crash n burn and become another crushed hope. I wonder what else they will want to talk about in therapy, too.......

brokenrockstar

I'm new at this too (asking for help) and I want you to know that I'd never vote (or pass judgement) if you wanted him back in the house. I agree that there has to be rule and YOU are the number one rule. I ,too, am expecting (due in July)_ and I know the NEED and WANT to have a healthy family. I hope you can live that that life. I hope addiction does ruin another hopeful family. I'm praying for you!!

shotz

Can your husband enter a sober house instead of coming home right away? You have the most influence right now to keep him sober. They are very inexpensive and in the long run probably don't cost anymore then the amount spent on alcohol. Ask the counselor to help your husband and you formulate a relapse agreement. This should state clearly what his immediate course of action will be if he relapses. Also see what his discharge recommendations are. Does he have an AA sponsor? He should at minimum attend 90 meetings in 90 days. Are there any out patient programs in your area? These programs can be very supportive and act as a bridge out of inpatient treatment? Don’t be scared to ask questions. Remind yourself that this is a progressive disease and the alternative to recovery is death or insanity. The disease wants you to be silent. Right now you have a voice that can be heard.

God bless,
Shotz

faith2overcome

I looked at some sober living house websites...and I really don't have a dime to spare to put towards a deposit - neither does he. I think it would take about a month for him to even get the money to start with the deposit and first 2 weeks required.
I guess that putting a lot of quantifications on my boundaries is probably setting it up to fail...But if I were going to invite him in, I'd definitely want those things to happen. I guess what I need to figure out before I make a decision is what he indicates that HIS intentions are. I've always had this habit of saying "You just need to do this" and then listen to him say "oh yes you're right" and not do it. If he gives me HIS idea of his goals before I open my mouth, I'd at least know where he's honestly coming from.
I would like to talk about that in the session for a little bit at least...I need to know where he stands as much as he is dying to know where I stand. I don't really think it's worth it to discuss our history or anything that has happened in the past. I think it would be good to talk about how he plans to be active in our son's life. He has been so absent thus far, and I'd like to see them develop a better relationship if he's really ready to focus on family instead of alcohol.
Anyway, thanks for the supportive words. Advice in either direction will be helpful right now as I often feel like I don't really know what I'm doing ... just kind of wandering and hoping I'm doing the right thing.

prodigal

All I can do is share my own personal experience with you, being married to an A who went through two inpatient rehabs. Each time, his focus was NOT on me or what I wanted ... he was fighting for his life; namely, to stay sober.

I understand your expecatations and needs. I had them too. But let me be honest with you: don't dump that stuff on him. To begin with, he's going to come out "raw" - having to deal with life on life's terms. If he's serious about his sobriety, he will be in an AA meeting every night, speaking to his sponsor regularly, and hanging out with other A's.

You will not be the immediate priority. This does not mean he doesn't love you or the children. This does not mean that he's being a self-serving SOB. It means he's willing to go to any length to stay sober and get his brains unscrambled.

Life in rehab is very structured and scheduled. Naturally, the A's and druggies are doing okay. They are in an insulated environment where they have a commonality of interest. They are just starting to learn about their own issues. Then, they have to come out.

I went through this twice. Both times, my AH relapsed less than three weeks out in the world. The first time, I was devastated and felt betrayed. The second time, I knew before he got out of the rehab that he was blowing smoke up the counselors' wazoos. I could tell he was in to keep his boss off his back and outta his face.

Rehab saved him his jobs. It did not get him sober.

I hope and pray your husband will be dedicated and committed to sobriety. Please seriously consider getting into Al-Anon meetings ASAP. Many of them have child care available. Just give the meetings a try. It will help you to cope with your situation when you AH gets out. If Al-Anon is not your cup of tea, please seek counseling. Early sobriety is difficult.

Take him back? That is entirely up to you. If my AH's name had not been on the title of our home, I would have made him spend six month's minimum in a sober house. Legally, I did not have that that choice.

GiveLove

I too would vote for some time in a sober house before coming home, but the choice is really yours.

Perhaps it'll help you to feel more "right" in your decision if you play the tape all the way through.

You have outlined some excellent boundaries.

What are the repercussions if he crosses them? If he relapses (which unfortunately is likely). If he doesn't find a job. If he doesn't work a program. What will you do then?

Are you strong enough to say, "Sorry, those were my boundaries, and you have dashed through them. Get out." ? And if he says he can't leave because he has no money, nowhere to go, what will you do then?

If you aren't strong enough to do that, I'd think twice about extending that offer. That's why some sober time before getting back together is a good thing. Many alcoholics relapse soon after stints in rehab. Better for him to do that in a neutral place where you don't have to go through the trauma and danger of kicking him out. If you even can.

Play the tape all the way through and make sure you're not setting yourself up for even more trauma. Remember your peace of mind. Have a plan.

Then you won't feel so lost.
Good luck

faith2overcome

Thanks for the advice...
I did plan (and would make him aware) that if he came back on my terms and then crossed the boundaries, he would be back out on his own again...I would think he'd have a little cash in his pocket then (still will have his old job back) and could admit himself into sober living by that point if he's TRULY serious with his efforts - otherwise, he'd probably be back on his dad's doorstep.
I know in the back of my mind that the chances of him coming out and making this one effort his success story are slim. When he was coming off drugs, he had a couple weeks sober, then back...then a month sober, and back...then the third attempt finally quit (which is when he started drinking, though). I don't think it would be a HUGE amount of disappointment since I'm not setting my expectations really high, but I just don't want the fighting anymore. It would have to be laid out to the extent of "if you have alcohol on your breath at ALL you will not come in the house to begin with".
He insists he's trying hard this time. I didn't let him know all of my expectations; said I'd talk on Saturday about it. But he did say that he plans to at least do 90 meetings in 90 days (he has connections to meetings because they've been going to them as a group for rehab) and do outpatient therapy and get a sponsor, etc. I did tell him that one of my worries was about my own tension, even if he was doing everything right. I started reading that book "Codependent No More", and I definitely fit the mold... I have this anxiety about making things work all the time with my own efforts. Heck, I even was already searching job websites yesterday to see if there was anything better he could apply for. I explained to him that I am nervous about him coming back in a dependent state of recovery where my instinct would be to start living for him once again. He said "NO, I will take care of myself and will not be a burden. I already feel guilty about what I've done to you; I made you this way, and I'm sorry." He has always been a great talker, though.........
It will be a rough decision, but what would also linger in my mind if I did NOT let him come live with me would be "what if I had given him another chance? could we have worked it out?"