brokenrockstar

I'm going to my first Alanon Meeting tomorrow. I'm scared because I am not a religious person, I believe, but I'm not into church or bible salvation. I'm scared because I'm afraid of what they will have to say (leave abf)... even if it is the truth. I'm afraid because that will be one hour out of the house, leaving him to do what he pleases. Scared... wondering what my life will become with just that one meeting.

gowest

I can tell you about my first meeting and maybe that will help you.

First and foremost know that at Alanon they do not "tell" you anything. No one will "tell" you to leave or stay or do anything else for that matter.

People talk about their own experiences and you gain insight from listening. As an example, I spent some time recently missing my exrab and today in my Alanon meeting while I was watching a young woman cry over the state of her relationship I felt relieved that I was not in her place. It helped me not miss him as much because I do know that if I was with him it could very well be me weeping in that chair. I was happy not to be weeping. It made me feel better about where I am now.

As for my first meeting. I sat "outside" the circle. I listened. I said my name. At the end of the meeting I was so emotional that when some one tried to say hello to me I could barely squeak out my name because I thought I might burst into tears. So I left immediately. No one "cared" in a good way.

Also, I am the least religious person ever. What goes on in Alanon doesn't seem to bother me and I don't perceive any of it as religious in the traditional sense.

Hope that helps.

Try out a bunch of different meetings before you make up your mind.
For me it has really been worth it.

tallulah

I walked into my first Al-Anon meeting and immediately burst into tears. There was only one person there at the time.. setting up.. and poor woman what she must have thought.. lol

Anyway, I sat there for most of the meeting in a bit of a daze.. listening but feeling like this was a club and I don't know how it works, fighting back the tears, staring at the floor. Then at the end there was 10 minutes for me to speak. I just poured something out inbetween sobs and reaching for tissues.

Afterwards I felt like a weight had been lifted off my shoulders. I realised I was not alone.

The programme does mention God but I see it as spiritual rather than traditional and Christian. I'm not religious and when God is mentioned I just translate that to what that means to me.

Good luck :ghug

silkspin

Ditto on what everyone else said. Al anon is a safe place to share/vent/learn. No one tells you what to do; they just listen and tell you to come back. It felt weird at first but now when I go I feel safe and know that everyone else in that room understands what I'm going through. It's a feeling of relief now and I look forward to the meetings.

Please remember that you were not put on this earth to babysit any other adult. And you also don't have that much power. He will do what he wants when he wants no matter what - the feeling of 'preventing' them from doing something while you're gone is all in your head. Hypervigilance will only make you resentful that you have to take responsibility for another, when if fact you don't, and you shouldn't. So it's kind of self-imposed. I used to bring AH up to bed when he passed out in the house. After applying al anon principles, I stopped. In the morning if he were on the couch I'd just go about my day. Believe me, that was more powerful (doing nothing) than anything else I tried. How ****** he felt waking up in his clothes, stinky, pathetic, when life went on around him.

Al anon will help you get your life back. Give it a chance.

LucyA

I only went to one al anon meeting, I'd love to go back for more but there aren't many round here and I work silly shifts that change every week.
I made the mistake of taking my mum with me, hoping she'd 'get it' she didn't but she was deep in denial and said she only came so I wasn't on my own.
I found the people there wonderfully understanding, I knew they'd been where I'd been without them telling me. OK they were well ahead of me in recovery and how their meetings worked, but they weren't bothered, they just welcomed me.
When I went I just had the most overwhelming feeling of being welcomed and accepted, and of belonging.
Oh, and they don't mind if you dont speak, say the prayers or anything, just you being there is enough.

Bernadette

AlAnon's not religious -- I mean if you CHOOSE to work it in a religious way then that's your choice - I have always worked it in a secular way and my higher power is sort of the force of the universe/nature...with a little bit, I admit, of my fairy-like childhood understanding of the Blessed Virgin!! (what can I say? hardcore Catholic upbringing!!)

All of which to say - it is a simple program that you can customize so that you can work it - take what you can use and leave the rest - I learned lots of stuff that I could use to free me from the ridiculous grasp and insanity that I allowed alcoholics to have over my life.

good luck - try a few meetings before you decide...
peace
b

guiab

A few things that you can be sure of:
You will be less scared.
You will see that you are not alone.
You will see that you are important and deserve better.

You should try a few different meetings, as each group can be a little different in personality and format. Some are held at the same time in the same building as an AA meeting (just an idea if BF chooses for himself to seek recovery).
Al-anon is not a religious group and is not attached to any church, temple, or circle of stones. Alanon (and AA) often meet in churches because they 1) have parking lots, 2) room rental is cheap and 3) there is a coffee maker handy.
The 'God' of Alanon/AA is an essential but pretty loosely defined concept that looks like this (IMHO):
1) My own brain matter can't come up with 100% sure-fire perfect plug-n-play solution to the problems caused by alcohol.
2) I can find a better way forward by not looking for a 100% sure fire perfect plug-n-play solution but instead by listening to others.
3) The others that I listen to for a better way can include the alanon group, books, music, and maybe, if it works for me, some sort of caring universal spirit or force.
Occasionally, in more bible-belt areas, you may find yourself listening to someone quote the bible and talk about some such-n-such saint, but that is their concept. In that situation I just nod politely and say I got the same wonderful healing feeling last night when I stood naked among my grove of sacred trees.
(I like Berdadette's concept, actually!)
A lot of atheists, agnostics,and people who have had it with the religion they grew up with have passed through the rooms of Alanon and walked out with a lot of recovery and serenity.

guiab

Accept my most profuse apologies, Bernadette!