ellima01

I've been here many times over the years- with alot of you really saving my sanity- sometimes reality gets so twisted.
My AH went (back) to rehab in march to a 35 day facitily in FL. Before he went thing were REALLY bad- not our "normal" alcoholic bad- now crack smoking/ alcoholic staying gone days at a time bad.
Anyway - he went and I was unsure if even could let him come back- soooo much had happened. I decided after he was released, I woulf fly to FL and we would spend a couple of nights there- discuss our relationship ect...
It was the most wonderful time we ever had- EVER. It was a reconnection that I did not expect- it was honestly like nothing we had ever experienced in our relationship. He was gratious and kind in a way I had never seen (and he's been to rehab MANY times in our relationship- and it was neer like this after.
So now we are home- 2 weeks after rehab- he's gone again. I can't figure it out,Relapse ususally has some signs right?? Not going to meetings- something- but not this time. He was Wonderful on Fri when he left to go to his outpatient tx- (voluntary OP tx) happy, -- I assume he did not come home that night- but I was at work and I am not certain- when I came home Sat morn. a not was on our Island saying he'd met a man at an NA mtg and was going to hang out with him -- haven't seen him since=- he called and I told him If he relapsed it didnt have to be the end of recovery - he told me he didnt call me for an AA speech- I am so crushed! why I don't know- how many times can I be an idiot??
I really love this man- he knowa it- I just wish I had the strength to put my foot down ( or in his butt) or do something. I have not called him- I am certain he has lost his $34.00 hr job- I don't know what will happen now- I'm afraid we are going to loose everything.

Barbara52

You don't have to lose everything if you decide to take action to protect yourself. What is it you are getting out this rollercoaster relationship? What makes you want to continue living this way? What can you do to improve your life? He seems to be happy being who and what he is. Is this enough for you?

Tryingtobefree

Hi, Ellima01. I have an ABF and came home tonight to find he hadn't come home. Thankfully, one of his friends called a little while ago to tell me he was at their house and he wasn't letting him drive home.

There have been several nights I didn't know where he was and had no warning it was going to happen. The only predictable thing seems to be their unpredictability.

Tonight's a perfect example. I spoke with him this afternoon and everything seemed fine - we talked about the plans we had for dinner and the evening and not even a clue he wouldn't be here when I got home from work.

We are experiencing financial problems as well but I've finally come to understand that he will never change until he has to deal with the consequences of his choices. He is self employed and doesn't seem to make the connection that if you drink all day and don't work you don't make any money. If he does make the connection he certainly isn't caring about that at the time.

I love my abf very much also but it doesn't ever change anything.

There is nothing you could have done to prevent this - it is his choice and his alone.

Please take some time and focus on taking care of yourself. I'm sure you've heard it before but it has helped me tremendously when I force myself to take the focus off of abf and take care of myself.

Freedom1990

We must be on the same wavelength because that's the first thing I thought.

It's clear what his priorities are. I pray that you start making yourself your biggest priority, Ellima, and take charge of your own life, sans addict.

:ghug :ghug

GiveLove

Ellima,

Addicts are very manipulative people. I'm sorry you were caught off guard.

Do you know that you're free to love him even if you establish your own, safer life away from his constant control and influence? Wouldn't you prefer to have the CHOICE whether to be with him during these awful times? It's not black-or-white -- you can take control of your life AND still see him if you wish.

Take care of yourself - he sounds like he's taking care of HIMself.

faith2overcome

My AH admitted himself to detox + 30-day rehab a couple weeks ago...and I am so worried because we were separated for 4 months before that, and he is asking now if he can come back home after rehab...telling me how he's really sobering up this time, etc. Something in me wants to give him the chance and take him back in, but part of me struggles with "what if he screws up once he has his freedom back???" This story just makes that nagging thought even more real...I know the potential is huge given his background that he will not stick with it. But where do I draw the line? Do I say no before giving him a chance???

laurie6781

(((((faith2overcome)))))

ABSOLUTELY.

BULL He's still QUACKING

Next time he brings it up say NO. Say, "I think you need to spend some time in a Sober Living House so your ACTIONS meet your words."

You on the other hand NEED to take care of you. What are doing for you? Are you seeing a counselor familar with addiction and it's ramifications to a relationship? Have you tried AlAnon? If not, I would suggest at least 6 to 8 'different' meetings to find some where you fit. Have you read "Co Dependent No More" By Melodie Beattie, a great book to start with btw.

That time of 30+ days is just a drop in the bucket. His ACTIONS, not his words will show if he is serious about recovery, or just did this because he wants his 'cushy' life back. His ACTIONS will take time to appear, at least 6 months to preferably a year. That separation, usually means NO CONTACT also. If there are children .................. well speak as rarely as possible and only about the children, A changes subject during a phone call away fron children, hang up. Same with any emails or text message, only about the children. If no children, NO CONTACT.

This will allow him to TOTALLY work on HIM. No side tracking. In early recovery from addiction the more one can focus on one's self and work on one's self, if one is sincere about recovery, THE BETTER. I know, besides recovery from being a codie for many years now, I am also an A that has been sober and clean almost 28 years.

Please do not let him back into your home after rehab. You insisted he leave apparently 4 months ago, well ............................................ now you can insist he go to a SLH.

J M H O

Please keep posting and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care.

Love and hugs,

laurie6781

(((((ellima)))))

Sorry didn't mean to 'hijack' your thread but a lot of what I said to faith also holds true for you to a degree.

Now, it seems to me that nothing changes if nothing changes.

I have to ask ........................................... why do you stay? Is this the type of life you want for yourself?

You know you cannot change him. This has been going on now for almost 5 years that you have been posting here.

So ..................................... what are you doing for you? All that has been done so far is you seem to be 'focused' on 'him.'

Have you tried AlAnon? Have you tried counseling for you, preferably with a counselor who is more than familiar with what addiction does to relationships?

Sad to say, but I hope your FEAR of leaving is NOW over powered by your FEAR of staying. That is when 'enough will be enough.' You and only you can stop digging yourself deeper any time you want, so how about you stop digging.

J M H O

Sweetie, please, this time keep posting, and let us know how YOU are doing, we do care so very much.

Love and hugs,

ellima01

Laurie- you are right- and in some ways I am doing things for me- I've lost 17lbs- eating better- exercising- I'm seeing a Psychiatrist- although he does not want to talk about AH- only issues that I have that are unrelated to him. I am not going to Al- anon,and this totally sounds like a copout- I just don't have time! the meetings near me conflict with my/ work- sleep schedule- (I'm a nurse). So I come here, and I read alot and it does help. thanks to all of you.
He still has not come home (since Sat) and I have not heard from him in almost 48hours- but i'm not calling him- not ever.

faith2overcome

Don't feel guilty, ellima...I don't go to Al-Anon either (yet) and don't even have private therapy. I don't have time, either. I work FT...gone from 7am-6pm weekdays and then have my one-year-old son to care for with no dependable babysitter. I'd like to do those things, but I need to keep my actual life going or everything else will fall apart, too...so I also have been coming in here just for the last week since I found the site, and I'm already hearing a lot of helpful stuff. Whatever you can do helps...If it's any consolation, I had very similar struggles with separating from AH. Loved him, didn't want to do this, didn't want something bad to happen to him if I wasn't there, etc. But it's funny how making them leave just makes them either sink or swim...my AH screwed around for a while, but at least got a job. Now he's in rehab. On the other hand, his brother fled the state after getting in trouble with the law after his gf left him...(but he's just about as hopeless as they come anyway). Point is, you just have to trust that he will take care of himself by his own instincts and give yourself time to heal. It's great that you're already feeling a *little* better. I remember how much relief I felt just in the first couple weeks that I was alone...so nice and quiet, and more chance to just bond with my son instead of argue with AH. I saw your other post about your son being home and worrying about AH coming around...I agree that you might be best in this case to just see if your son can sleep over at a friend's house. If you aren't ready to change the locks, at least you know your son is safe. Good luck.