nowwhat

Last week I had decided to make some serious decisions, work changes.

I completely chickened out.

Last week I was so stressed out and tired I just felt I had to do SOMETHING to change my life.

After making my (pseudo)decision to quit my job, I did not feel relieved, refreshed, or relaxed. I felt even more conflicted, had no sleep, started thinking about the reality of my life--

and lost my nerve.

Then I spent the weekend out of town with my ABF.

I just saw my therapist. After listening to my story about last week and all the stressors (sick kid, missing work, no childcare, having to make the Big Decision about work, getting ready for a trip out of town), she asked me how my BF helped me during this time.

I came up pretty short (shocker, I know!) trying to answer her.

She has completely changed her tune about my relationship.

She said, from what I describe, he is narcissistic. Arrested development. Self-centered and selfish.

She thinks I should be making a plan to get out.

I really found myself feeling like an observer last week. Noticing that while I was having real, logistical, significant problems--my BF still managed to turn every conversation into something about HIM, and all of his tragic problems (which, as my therapist said, are entirely theoretical and not practical matters).

He drank a lot on this trip, too. He had quit for a few months but it's slowly creeping back in.

On our trip, every conversation turned back toward him. I was so drained, I didn't even feel hurt. Just annoyed and slightly (ever so slightly) repelled.

I actually think this is progress. I think I'm beginning to let my rational mind win this one. That would be amazing.

GiveLove

My rational mind used to be the red-headed stepchild of my relationships....I never listened to it, always discounted its opinion.

Now it holds the biggest, cushiest seat in my house, and I am a thousand times happier. I am still passionate, still loving, but in the words of J.D. Salinger, am now "breathtakingly level-headed" as well. I can highly recommend it!!

Narcissistic is the word that came to mind when you've discussed your ABF before too...but who am I to say....

Glad you're starting to listen to yourself, nowwhat.

Tryingtobefree

Hi, nowwhat. You and I seem to be in very similar situations. Like you, I've been stepping back and observing the situation and am starting to see the disturbing lack of support I have been receiving.

Whenever I try to discuss something that is happening with me my abf has an uncanny ability to turn the conversation around to how difficult things are for him. I don't even think he realizes he's doing it.

I am making plans to leave but it is slower than I'd like. I think it's finally starting to sink in that no matter what - this man is not capable of meeting my needs as long as he is drinking. We have been together 2 1/2 years now and I find I am far more stressed out around him than I would be without him. I actually find myself censoring what I say about my day rather than sharing it because I know the response I would receive wouldn't be worth it.

It's really a shame. I think you said it perfectly - I am slightly repelled by what I see now.

MissFixit

Nowwaht,

Hi.

After reading several of your posts, I am glad that you are seeing your relationship from a new perspective. Like Givelove, I too had noticed the "self-centeredness" of your man in what you wrote. Gifts do not replace an actual loving participant.

take care of you!

silkspin

It's amazing how they all seem to suffer from this selfishness! Even though my AH has been in AA and sober for 5 months and has improved in many ways, this is still present, and really annoys me. When we were in separate rooms, and had just moved to my home city, everything was 'wrong' for him. It's dismal and snowy outside, he's just lost his best friend (drinking), I'd banished him to a basement bedroom and he was alone in his suffering and trying to build a new life. Oh, he knew he'd hurt me (obviously because I made him move out of my room) but at times he'd also mention he hadn't realized it was so bad. I will be going to therapy soon too, and only time will tell if I'll be able to accept that this part of his personality may never go away and if I want to live with it.

I agree with you nowwhat - it is repelling to me, and a point of contention in my attempt at recovery with him.

nowwhat

I have a hard time with this. Knowing that a discussion with ABF or ultimately ending the relationship is going to cause me to feel deep pain and grief. It's almost like self-inflicting a wound. I'm trying to think of it as getting the pain out of the way, instead of suffering low-grade versions of it consistently. Still, a hard decision to hurt oneself dramatically.

I do this censoring too--his reactions to my problems have been unhelpful and frustrating. Reminds me A LOT of interactions with my mother. I always leave a conversation about my issues feeling like there's something wrong with ME, even though I know that my struggles are legitimate and anyone would have them in a similar situation.

So true. Part of the confusion lies in the fact that I would never give excessive material gifts to someone I was only "dating." Actually, I wouldn't give excessive gifts at all, because I don't have the resources. And funny that what I really want has nothing to do with gifts at all. I would like flowers or a back rub. This will never happen with ABF.

I am grateful for that repelling feeling. It helps me feel like I have choices, since I seem to be such a slave to my emotions (particularly the difficult ones).

I am also realizing that this relationship bears so much resemblance to my family of origin. Not alcoholics, but a deeply narcissistic and self-centered mother, who is also very intelligent and successful. And never had time for me, didn't nurture me, and always told me I was too needy and sensitive. I WAS NOT! I was just a child. My own children also have needs and feelings, but I never dismiss them as being dysfunctional ones.

Slowly moving forward...

silkspin

Ooh, that's insightful. My mother is the same. And I'm living with her now; wonderful for my 18 month old daughter who loves her grandma, but I'm rehashing a lot of my childhood issues with her now (of course she doesn't know it because she'd just say I'm being overdramatic and would invalidate my feelings - she also thought I was 'breaking up my family' when I sent AH to the basement). My parents are planning to move to a retirement home in the fall. Until then, I'm trying to see it as my HP trying to help me learn something by living with her. Perhaps that I should do the same as you - ensure that I don't pass on the dysfunction to my little girl.

Mr B

I know what you mean. Making the decision to end a relationship that's unhealthy but still powerful is painful and hard work. But then so is staying in a relationship with someone who is self-centered and who makes life harder rather than easier. When I look back at my relationship with my AXGF and the subsequent split, it's clear that the pain of staying in a relationship with her just kept on increasing and increasing. The pain caused by the turmoil and grief of splitting up, on the other hand, got better over time. Plus I at least had the benefit of knowing that I had finally done something positive for myself and that I had at least made changes.

I didn't know whether those changes would be better or worse than the life I had been living and, to be honest, at that point I didn't much care. All I wanted was that life would be different as I could no longer face living the life I had been living with her. As it turned out, life is so much better without the alcohol-induced chaos and drama in my life that I can barely recognise the person I was back then...

The decisions you face are big and can seem impossible. You'll make them when the desire for something, anything to change overcomes the fear of what might be. As the (excellent) book says, "Feel the fear and do it anyway".

Mr B.

nowwhat

I totally relate to this. My problem is that I've believed that I'm overdramatic and my feelings are invalid for so long that now I feel really incompetent in sorting out difficult situations. Always wondering if it IS me being too needy and making a big deal out of small ones.

This is very encouraging!