exmrskelly

Hi, I am new to posting on these boards. I have been lurking and reading for a while now. You guys are all so amazing! I come here and read and I feel so much better about things. I have found a lot of comfort in everyones stories and advice!

Anyway, I do have a question. I have an ex AH. We have one dd together. For the past year he has gotten progressively worse with his alcohol addiction. He comes and goes out of our dd life so many times. One week he is seeing her and trying to be dad of the year, the next week he is not returning our phone calls and is nowhere to be found. He is basically homeless and sleeping on couches and he is several thousand $$$ behind in child support. I started seeing a therapist and had my dd going to one as well. My dd is 10. Both of our therapists suggested that until he started to get help and treatment that maybe it was better for our dd to not see him. She is deeply hurt by him. It doesn't help that when she does see him he is passive agressive and blames things on me and even our dd. We are doing well, I am staying away and doing my own thing. My dd talks to him on the phone a bit and saw him this weekend for about an hour. He is not drinking right now because his parents are here. He always puts on a great show for them!

Anyway to make a long story short, we have our dd 1st Communion this weekend and it is sure to be a bit awkward. There will be a little party afterwards. Can anyone give me any advice for handling this situation with grace and class? It is so hard because I do not even want him there! But it is a big event in our dd life. I do also plan on talking with his mom and letting her know what has been going on.

Sorry so long! I hope this makes sense.

GiveLove

Hi ex,

I'm glad you found us, and glad you've decided to post

How does your daughter feel about him being at her communion? How does she feel about the prospect of taking some time away from her erratic dad? Have you had an honest talk about this with her?

Sometimes, we do things (like invite a disruptive person to an important event) because we make assumptions. Sometimes, those assumptions don't turn out to hold much weight. If she doesn't care if he's there, why should you?

Sorry he's doing this but...well....that's what alcoholics do.
I'm so glad YOU'RE doing better, and I hope that between therapy and everything else, your daughter will do fine.

XOX
GL

MissFixit

I agree with Givelove's suggestion of asking your daughter who she wants at her communion. If you are planning to tell your ex MIL, will that affect things?

exmrskelly

GL- That is essentially what her therapist was saying is to listen to my daughter and her feelings. She has mixed feelings about it. I think that at the end of the day she does want him there. It is annoying because we have showed him in the past few months that we will not put up with the drinking and I sometimes feel like letting him come is saying to him that everything is fine. I hope that makes sense!

exmrskelly

I don't think so. They are in complete denial about thier son and pretty much sweep thing under the rug. I guess I will put my feelings aside for that day and enjoy her 1st communion whether her dad is there or not! Thanks!

Barbara52

If you are concerned that he might start acting inappropriately, perhaps make it clear to him that he is welcome to come but if he acts inapprpriately he will be asked to leave. And arrange with some large men you trust to be prepared to escort him away.

TakingCharge999

Yeah ex, I know its easy to say it but just focus on your daughter, she is the reason you all will be there... Barb's idea is great! just in case... it will make you feel more relaxed to have a plan B.

If I were you I would also ask my siblings or best friends to keep me company so I am never alone with ex AH.

Less focus on him, more focus on your daughter and you, and your loved ones. It will be a beautiful day, also, what has helped me is to use dark glasses (if appropiate) so I avoid eye contact...

exmrskelly

Thank you! I will have a lot of support there. I love the idea of some large men to come haul him out!

exmrskelly

I love the dark glasses idea! It is interesting reading my posts and all of yours and I feel myself getting caught up in his drama again. I am going to focus on dd and enjoy the day!