Interesting article forwarded to me...
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Interesting article forwarded to me...
I got this from a friend in my email today. I can identify every aspect of a loser mentioned in this article with my EXAH, and several aspects with every relationship I had afterwards.
Are you dating a loser?
By Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD
Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. In the beginning, "the honeymoon" of the relationship, it’s difficult to determine what type of individual you are dating. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming likes a police detective.
Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage.
A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the "fatal attraction" often described in movies. A variety of "bad choices" may be encountered each week — most of which are easy to identify and avoid. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about these very damaging individuals, this paper will outline a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a male or female-labeled "The Loser"."The Loser" is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship. "The Loser" has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, and it is often something they learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of "The Loser"; women or men who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem, totally destroyed.
The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of "The Loser" and provide a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with "The Loser" in a very high-risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present — it’s not a ‘probably’ or a ‘possibly’. You will be hurt and damaged by "The Loser" if you stay in the relationship.
Rough Treatment: "The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap; kick and even punch their male partners when upset.
Quick Attachment and Expression: "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says, "I love you" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" — where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying, "If it’s too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you’ll miss the major point — it doesn’t make sense! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a long time and a lot of information before offering a commitment — not three weeks.
It’s true that we can become infatuated with others quickly — but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.
Frightening Temper: "The Loser" has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they’re mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others — that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to "witnessed violence" — fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper — throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and cause you to fear their potential for violence, although "The Loser" quickly assures you that they are angry with others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you. But they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability — and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them — fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.
Killing your self-confidence: "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you’re too fat, too unattractive, or don’t talk correctly or look good. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to treat you badly later — as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" — always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.
Cutting Off Your Support: In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends — sometimes even their family. "The Loser" feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. "The Loser" begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don’t understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can’t get rid of your best same-sex friend, "The Loser" will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser" will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you’ll develop the feeling that it’s better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. "The Loser" then tells you they are treating you badly again and you’d be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.
The Mean and Sweet Cycle: "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on; hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes, but the damage to your self-esteem is already done — exactly as planned.
It’s Always Your Fault: "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly — it’s somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it’s your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior.
"The Loser" never, repeat never, takes personal responsibility for his or her behavior — it’s always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them — it’s actually the fault of the other driver (not his), as they didn’t use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.
Breakup Panic: "The Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up — unless it’s totally their idea, and then you’re dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten to end the relationship. Both male and female losers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they’re gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area — as though you will be responsible for those decisions. "The Loser" offers a multitude of "deals" and halfway measures like "Let’s just date one more month!"
They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of — telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you’ll keep them so they don’t have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male loser technique) or inform you that they might (Female loser technique) in front of your coworkers!
Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, when you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of "The Loser" — escape will be three times as difficult the next time.
No Outside Interests: "The Loser" will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those, which they totally control.
Paranoid Control: "The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and whom you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don’t answer their phone call, you are asked where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you’ve been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may encourage you to make "private" calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you cannot talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is planned on Friday night, "The Loser" will inform you that they will call you that night — sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren’t home for the call. This technique allows "The Loser" to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.
Public Embarrassment: In an effort to keep you under control while in public, "The Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with "The Loser" too long, you’ll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing and holding on to their arm when in public. You’ll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in "The Loser".
It’s never enough: "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don’t say "I love you" enough, you don’t stand close enough, you don’t do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them — somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you do.
Entitlement: "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.
Your Friends and Family Dislike Him: As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what "The Loser" is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. "The Loser" will tell you they are jealous of the "special love" you have and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you — not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them — eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to — even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home.
Bad Stories: People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It’s the old story about giving a person enough rope and they’ll hang themselves. The stories a person tells inform us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories of himself.
"The Loser" tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts because they don’t see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the "I don’t take nothing from nobody" attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it’s folklore and legends. Listen to these stories — they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what’s coming your way.
The Waitress Test: It’s been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time "The Loser" has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap — you’ll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment — that’s how they’ll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent — they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt, hit the road.
The Reputation: As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. "The Loser" may have two distinct reputations — a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant — five say it’s wonderful and five say it’s a hog pit — you clearly understand that there’s some risk involved in eating there. "The Loser" may actually brag about their reputation as a "butt kicker", "womanizer", "hot temper" or "being crazy". They may tell you stories where others have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual’s behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, "The Loser" will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of "The Loser", it’s because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.
Walking on Eggshells: As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence — fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you’ll have to explain later), and fearful that you’ll see someone you’ll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone — exactly what "The Loser" wants no interference with their control or dominance.
Discounted Feelings/Opinions: "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshipping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don’t make sense, they’re silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings — but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.
They Make You "Crazy": "The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 PM — you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well — being careful what you wear and say.
Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy," it’s important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done
Are you dating a loser?
By Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD
Very few relationships start on terms other than sweetness and politeness. In the beginning, "the honeymoon" of the relationship, it’s difficult to determine what type of individual you are dating. Both you and the date are guarded, trying to obtain information about the other as much as possible without seeming likes a police detective.
Romantic relationships can be wonderful with the right person. A relationship with the wrong individual however can lead to years of heartache, emotional/social damage, and even physical damage.
A damaging adult partner can damage us, damage our loved ones, and even damage the way we feel about love and romance in the future. They can turn what is supposed to be a loving, supporting, and understanding relationship into the "fatal attraction" often described in movies. A variety of "bad choices" may be encountered each week — most of which are easy to identify and avoid. We all know to avoid people that appear insane or abusive and not select them as a dating partner. However, some individuals are better at hiding their personality and behavior abnormalities. In an effort to provide some warning about these very damaging individuals, this paper will outline a type of individual commonly found in the dating scene, a male or female-labeled "The Loser"."The Loser" is a type of partner that creates much social, emotional and psychological damage in a relationship. "The Loser" has permanent personality characteristics that create this damage. These are characteristics that they accept simply as the way they are and not a problem or psychological difficulty. In one sense, they have always lived with this personality and behavior, and it is often something they learned from their relatives/family. Psychologists usually treat the victims of "The Loser"; women or men who arrive at the office severely depressed with their self-confidence and self-esteem, totally destroyed.
The following list is an attempt to outline the characteristics of "The Loser" and provide a manner in which women and men can identify potentially damaging relationships before they are themselves severely damaged emotionally or even physically. If your partner possesses even one of these features, there is risk in the relationship. More than three of these indicators and you are involved with "The Loser" in a very high-risk relationship that will eventually create damage to you. When a high number of these features are present — it’s not a ‘probably’ or a ‘possibly’. You will be hurt and damaged by "The Loser" if you stay in the relationship.
Rough Treatment: "The Loser" will hurt you on purpose. If he or she hits you, twists your arm, pulls your hair, kicks you, shoves you, or breaks your personal property EVEN ONCE, drop them. Male losers often begin with behaviors that move you physically or hit the wall. Female losers often slap; kick and even punch their male partners when upset.
Quick Attachment and Expression: "The Loser" has very shallow emotions and connections with others. One of the things that might attract you to "The Loser" is how quickly he or she says, "I love you" or wants to marry or commit to you. Typically, in less than a few weeks of dating you’ll hear that you’re the love of their life, they want to be with you forever, and they want to marry you. You’ll receive gifts, a variety of promises, and be showered with their attention and nice gestures. This is the "honeymoon phase" — where they catch you and convince you that they are the best thing that ever happened to you. Remember the business saying, "If it’s too good to be true it probably is (too good to be true)!" You may be so overwhelmed by this display of instant attraction, instant commitment, and instant planning for the future that you’ll miss the major point — it doesn’t make sense! Normal, healthy individuals require a long process to develop a relationship because there is so much at stake. Healthy individuals will wait for a long time and a lot of information before offering a commitment — not three weeks.
It’s true that we can become infatuated with others quickly — but not make such unrealistic promises and have the future planned after three dates. The rapid warm-up is always a sign of shallow emotions which later cause "The Loser" to detach from you as quickly as they committed. "The Loser" typically wants to move in with you or marry you in less than four weeks or very early in the relationship.
Frightening Temper: "The Loser" has a scary temper. If your boyfriend or girlfriend blows up and does dangerous things, like driving too fast because they’re mad, breaking/throwing things, getting into fights, or threatening others — that temper will soon be turned in your direction. In the beginning of the relationship, you will be exposed to "witnessed violence" — fights with others, threats toward others, angry outbursts at others, etc. You will also hear of violence in their life. You will see and witness this temper — throwing things, yelling, cursing, driving fast, hitting the walls, and kicking things. That quickly serves to intimidate you and cause you to fear their potential for violence, although "The Loser" quickly assures you that they are angry with others or situations, not at you. At first, you will be assured that they will never direct the hostility and violence at you. But they are clearly letting you know that they have that ability and capability — and that it might come your way. Later, you fear challenging or confronting them — fearing that same temper and violence will be turned in your direction.
Killing your self-confidence: "The Loser" repeatedly puts you down. They constantly correct your slight mistakes, making you feel "on guard", unintelligent, and leaving you with the feeling that you are always doing something wrong. They tell you that you’re too fat, too unattractive, or don’t talk correctly or look good. This gradual chipping away at your confidence and self-esteem allows them to treat you badly later — as though you deserved it. In public, you will be "walking on eggshells" — always fearing you are doing or saying something that will later create a temper outburst or verbal argument.
Cutting Off Your Support: In order to control someone completely, you must cut off their supportive friends — sometimes even their family. "The Loser" feels your friends and family might influence you or offer negative opinions about their behavior. "The Loser" begins by telling you these friends treat you badly, take advantage of you, and don’t understand the special nature of the love you share with them. In some cases, if they can’t get rid of your best same-sex friend, "The Loser" will claim he or she made a pass at them. If you talk to your friends or family, "The Loser" will punish you by asking multiple questions or making nasty accusations. Eventually, rather than face the verbal punishment, interrogation, and abuse, you’ll develop the feeling that it’s better not to talk to family and friends. You will withdraw from friends and family, prompting them to become upset with you. "The Loser" then tells you they are treating you badly again and you’d be better to keep your distance from them. Once you are isolated and alone, without support, their control over you can increase.
The Mean and Sweet Cycle: "The Loser" cycles from mean to sweet and back again. The cycle starts when they are intentionally hurtful and mean. You may be verbally abused, cursed, and threatened over something minor. Suddenly, the next day they become sweet, doing all those little things they did when you started dating. You hang on; hoping each mean-then-sweet cycle is the last one. The other purpose of the mean cycle is to allow "The Loser" to say very nasty things about you or those you care about, again chipping away at your self-esteem and self-confidence. "The Loser" often apologizes, but the damage to your self-esteem is already done — exactly as planned.
It’s Always Your Fault: "The Loser" blames you for their anger as well as any other behavior that is incorrect. When they cheat on you, yell at you, treat you badly, damage your property, or embarrass you publicly — it’s somehow your fault. If you are ten minutes late for a date, it’s your fault that the male loser drives 80 miles per hour, runs people off the road, and pouts the rest of the evening. "The Loser" tells you their anger and misbehavior would not have happened if you had not made some simple mistake, had loved them more, or had not questioned their behavior.
"The Loser" never, repeat never, takes personal responsibility for his or her behavior — it’s always the fault of someone else. If they drive like a maniac and try to pull an innocent driver off the highway to assault them — it’s actually the fault of the other driver (not his), as they didn’t use a turn signal when they changed lanes. They give you the impression that you had it (anger, yelling, assault) coming and deserved the anger, violence, pouting, or physical display of aggression.
Breakup Panic: "The Loser" panics at the idea of breaking up — unless it’s totally their idea, and then you’re dropped like a hot rock. Abusive boyfriends often break down and cry, they plead, they promise to change, and they offer marriage/trips/gifts when you threaten to end the relationship. Both male and female losers may threaten suicide, threaten to return to old sweethearts (who feel lucky they’re gone!), or threaten to quit their job and leave the area — as though you will be responsible for those decisions. "The Loser" offers a multitude of "deals" and halfway measures like "Let’s just date one more month!"
They shower you with phone calls, often every five minutes, hoping that you will make an agreement or see them just to stop the telephone harassment. Some call your relatives, your friends, their friends, and anyone else they can think of — telling those people to call you and tell you how much they love you. Creative losers often create so much social pressure that the victim agrees to go back to the bad relationship rather than continue under the social pressure. Imagine trying to end a relationship and receiving tearful calls from all his or her relatives (they secretly hope you’ll keep them so they don’t have to), seeing a plea for your return in the newspaper or even on a local billboard, receiving flowers at work each day, or having them arrive at your place of work and offer you a wedding ring (male loser technique) or inform you that they might (Female loser technique) in front of your coworkers!
Their reaction is emotionally intense, a behavior they use to keep you an emotional prisoner. If you go back to them, you actually fear a worse reaction if you threaten to leave again (making you a prisoner) and they later frequently recall the incident to you as further evidence of what a bad person you are. Remember, if your prize dog jumps the fence and escapes, when you get him back you build a higher fence. Once back in the grasp of "The Loser" — escape will be three times as difficult the next time.
No Outside Interests: "The Loser" will encourage you to drop your hobbies, interests, and involvement with others. If you have an individual activity, they demand that they accompany you, making you feel miserable during the entire activity. The idea behind this is to prevent you from having fun or interests other than those, which they totally control.
Paranoid Control: "The Loser" will check up on you and keep track of where you are and whom you are with. If you speak to a member of the opposite sex, you receive twenty questions about how you know them. If you don’t answer their phone call, you are asked where you were, what were you doing, who you were talking to, etc. They will notice the type of mud on your car, question why you shop certain places, and question why you called a friend, why the friend called you, and so forth. Some losers follow you to the grocery, then later ask if you’ve been there in an attempt to catch you in a lie. In severe cases, they go through your mail, look through your purse/wallet, hit your redial on the phone when they arrive, or search through your garbage for evidence. High-tech losers may encourage you to make "private" calls to friends from their residence, calls that are being secretly taped for later reference. They may begin to tell you what to wear, what to listen to in music, and how to behave in public. Eventually, they tell you that you cannot talk to certain friends or acquaintances, go certain places, or talk about certain issues in public. If no date is planned on Friday night, "The Loser" will inform you that they will call you that night — sometime. That effectively keeps you home, awaiting the call, fearing the verbal abuse and questions you might receive if you weren’t home for the call. This technique allows "The Loser" to do what they want socially, at the same time controlling your behavior from a distance or a local bar.
Public Embarrassment: In an effort to keep you under control while in public, "The Loser" will lash out at you, call you names, or say cruel or embarrassing things about you in private or in front of people. When in public, you quickly learn that any opinion you express may cause them to verbally attack you, either at the time or later. If you stay with "The Loser" too long, you’ll soon find yourself politely smiling, saying nothing and holding on to their arm when in public. You’ll also find yourself walking with your head down, fearful of seeing a friend who might speak to you and create an angry reaction in "The Loser".
It’s never enough: "The Loser" convinces you that you are never quite good enough. You don’t say "I love you" enough, you don’t stand close enough, you don’t do enough for them after all their sacrifices, and your behavior always falls short of what is expected. This is another method of destroying your self-esteem and confidence. After months of this technique, they begin telling you how lucky you are to have them — somebody who tolerates someone so inadequate and worthless as you do.
Entitlement: "The Loser" has a tremendous sense of entitlement, the attitude that they have a perfectly logical right to do whatever they desire. If cut off in traffic, "The Loser" feels they have the right to run the other driver off the road, assault them, and endanger the lives of other drivers with their temper tantrum. Keep in mind, this same sense of entitlement will be used against you. If you disobey their desires or demands, or violate one of their rules, they feel they are entitled to punish you in any manner they see fit.
Your Friends and Family Dislike Him: As the relationship continues, your friends and family will see what "The Loser" is doing to you. They will notice a change in your personality or your withdrawal. They will protest. "The Loser" will tell you they are jealous of the "special love" you have and then use their protest and opinion as further evidence that they are against you — not him. The mention of your family members or friends will spark an angry response from them — eventually placing you in the situation where you stop talking about those you care about, even your own family members. "The Loser" will be jealous and threatened by anyone you are close to — even your children. In some cases, your parents or brothers/sisters will not be allowed to visit your home.
Bad Stories: People often let you know about their personality by the stories they tell about themselves. It’s the old story about giving a person enough rope and they’ll hang themselves. The stories a person tells inform us of how they see themselves, what they think is interesting, and what they think will impress you. A humorous individual will tell funny stories of himself.
"The Loser" tells stories of violence, aggression, being insensitive to others, rejecting others, etc. They may tell you about past relationships and in every case, they assure you that they were treated horribly despite how wonderful they were to that person. They brag about their temper and outbursts because they don’t see anything wrong with violence and actually take pride in the "I don’t take nothing from nobody" attitude. People define themselves with their stories, much like a culture is described by it’s folklore and legends. Listen to these stories — they tell you how you will eventually be treated and what’s coming your way.
The Waitress Test: It’s been said that when dating, the way an individual treats a waitress or other neutral person of the opposite sex is the way they will treat you in six months. During the "honeymoon phase" of a relationship, you will be treated like a king or queen. However, during that time "The Loser" has not forgotten how he or she basically feels about the opposite sex. Waitresses, clerks, or other neutral individuals will be treated badly. If they are cheap — you’ll never receive anything once the honeymoon is over. If they whine, complain, criticize, and torment — that’s how they’ll treat you in six months. A mentally healthy person is consistent — they treat almost all people the same way all the time. If you find yourself dating a man who treats you like a queen and other females like dirt, hit the road.
The Reputation: As mentioned, mentally healthy individuals are consistent in their personality and their behavior. "The Loser" may have two distinct reputations — a group of individuals who will give you glowing reports and a group that will warn you that they are serious trouble. If you ask ten people about a new restaurant — five say it’s wonderful and five say it’s a hog pit — you clearly understand that there’s some risk involved in eating there. "The Loser" may actually brag about their reputation as a "butt kicker", "womanizer", "hot temper" or "being crazy". They may tell you stories where others have called them crazy or suggested that they receive professional help. Pay attention to the reputation. Reputation is the public perception of an individual’s behavior. If the reputation has two sides, good and bad, your risk is high. You will be dealing with the bad side once the honeymoon is over in the relationship. With severe behavior problems, "The Loser" will be found to have almost no friends, just acquaintances. Emotionally healthy and moral individuals will not tolerate friendships with losers that treat others so badly. If you find yourself disliking the friends of "The Loser", it’s because they operate the same way he or she does and you can see it in them.
Walking on Eggshells: As a relationship with "The Loser" continues, you will gradually be exposed to verbal intimidation, temper tantrums, lengthy interrogations about trivial matters, violence/threats directed at others but witnessed by you, paranoid preoccupation with your activities, and a variety of put-downs on your character. You will quickly find yourself "walking on eggshells" in their presence — fearful to bring up topics, fearful to mention that you spoke to or saw a friend, and fearful to question or criticize the behavior of "The Loser". Instead of experiencing the warmth and comfort of love, you will be constantly on edge, tense when talking to others (they might say something that you’ll have to explain later), and fearful that you’ll see someone you’ll have to greet in public. Dates and times together will be more comfortable and less threatening when totally alone — exactly what "The Loser" wants no interference with their control or dominance.
Discounted Feelings/Opinions: "The Loser" is so self-involved and self-worshipping that the feelings and opinions of others are considered worthless. As the relationship continues and you begin to question what you are feeling or seeing in their behavior, you will be told that your feelings and opinions don’t make sense, they’re silly, and that you are emotionally disturbed to even think of such things. "The Loser" has no interest in your opinion or your feelings — but they will be disturbed and upset that you dare question their behavior. "The Loser" is extremely hostile toward criticism and often reacts with anger or rage when their behavior is questioned.
They Make You "Crazy": "The Loser" operates in such a damaging way that you find yourself doing "crazy" things in self-defense. If "The Loser" is scheduled to arrive at 8:00 PM — you call Time & Temperature to cover the redial, check your garbage for anything that might get you in trouble, and call your family and friends to tell them not to call you that night. You warn family/friends not to bring up certain topics, avoid locations in the community where you might see co-workers or friends, and not speak to others for fear of the 20 questions. You become paranoid as well — being careful what you wear and say.
Nonviolent males find themselves in physical fights with female losers. Nonviolent females find themselves yelling and screaming when they can no longer take the verbal abuse or intimidation. In emotional and physical self-defense, we behave differently and oddly. While we think we are "going crazy," it’s important to remember that there is no such thing as "normal behavior" in a combat situation. Rest assured that your behavior will return to normal if you detach from "The Loser" before permanent psychological damage is done
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: Kansas
Posts: 10,182
Originally Posted by tallulah 
Oh.. My.. God..
I have been suspecting that my experience was not about alcoholism as some kind of problem with emotional regulation on his part. That article resonates.. thank you for posting it.
I have been suspecting that my experience was not about alcoholism as some kind of problem with emotional regulation on his part. That article resonates.. thank you for posting it.
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Join Date: Feb 2009
Location: London, UK
Posts: 927
Originally Posted by Freedom1990
I think alcohol and alcoholism get too much credit sometimes, you know?
Until they get 'sober'..
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Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: Htown, baby!
Posts: 384
A lot of those are sociopathic traits. People who repeatedly hurt their partner in the ways described are the same ones who end up murdering them later on. Unfortunately, when you're in love its too easy to miss the signs.
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Join Date: Jun 2007
Posts: 633
More insidious is "the loser" who has figured out which behaviors are most unacceptable (getting physical, public humiliation) so they specialize in paranoia and crazymaking. They cultivate their "public" image (treat others like gold) and focus their crazymaking on the person closest to them or anyone who they are irate with at the moment.
Many people think my ex is a "great guy", only those who have known him a VERY long time (like 20 years) or are closest have any clue what a raving drunken jacka** he really is.
Many people think my ex is a "great guy", only those who have known him a VERY long time (like 20 years) or are closest have any clue what a raving drunken jacka** he really is.
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Join Date: Nov 2008
Posts: 2,582
Had Enough has a point. Mine is the same way. He buys people's affections and loyalty. It is very sad for those who know him well. I used to see people use him and it infuriated me. Only after we split did I realize that is his way of maintaining enablers. His long time friends (who actually have very little to do with him anymore) don't participate in that with him. Mainly the newer drinking good time buddies.
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
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Yes actually, I have read a very similar article where men displaying this behavior were described as sociopaths. Steer clear! Describes my last ex to a T. Especially the part about waitresses:
Every time he'd get in a restaurant, he'd order the waitress around like a slave to the point where I would get embarrassed. Once I said "That's like the tenth special request you've asked for from her and we've only been here a few minutes, why don't you give her a break? You are running her legs off." He merely said "Oh she doesn't mind, it's her job to take care of me." Soon he was treating me the same way, and I wasn't even getting any tips!
KJ
Every time he'd get in a restaurant, he'd order the waitress around like a slave to the point where I would get embarrassed. Once I said "That's like the tenth special request you've asked for from her and we've only been here a few minutes, why don't you give her a break? You are running her legs off." He merely said "Oh she doesn't mind, it's her job to take care of me." Soon he was treating me the same way, and I wasn't even getting any tips!
KJ
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Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
IT was off the cuff, but I can try and hope others add theirs!
1) IF he says he is getting divorced.
Wait until he IS divorced.
2) If he doesn't open your car door and other niceties,
Forget about ever having romance. He will forget Valentine's Day too.
3) If he says he isn't ready to be serious yet.
Believe him. Don't wait for him to be ready or try to charm and win him.
4) If you say "I don't kiss on the first date" and he still moves into your space.
He can't hear you and he doesn't care and he won't in the future either.
5) If he says suggestive things early on and inappropriately...
He isn't interested in you as a person and he is saying that to other women
to see where he will get lucky.
6) If he says "I can't stand xyz" or complains about x's "xyz"
Nevermind if it is trivial or petty. Don't try to teach him not to sweat the small
stuff. He will sweat it all over you if you do "xyz" or something similar.
7) If he says he didn't really want to marry his x but....
He doesn't take responsibility for himself. He said "I do" and lacks honesty,
courage and integrity.
8) If he is late one time...he should call.
Does it again and he is either rude or in the hospital..or should be in the hospital!
9) If he brags about how much money he makes
he wants you to be impressed with him, it is about him and stroking his ego.
10) If he stops by your home or your work announced...
he knows nothing about appropriate boundaries and manners...and this foretells
real problems.
more later
1) IF he says he is getting divorced.
Wait until he IS divorced.
2) If he doesn't open your car door and other niceties,
Forget about ever having romance. He will forget Valentine's Day too.
3) If he says he isn't ready to be serious yet.
Believe him. Don't wait for him to be ready or try to charm and win him.
4) If you say "I don't kiss on the first date" and he still moves into your space.
He can't hear you and he doesn't care and he won't in the future either.
5) If he says suggestive things early on and inappropriately...
He isn't interested in you as a person and he is saying that to other women
to see where he will get lucky.
6) If he says "I can't stand xyz" or complains about x's "xyz"
Nevermind if it is trivial or petty. Don't try to teach him not to sweat the small
stuff. He will sweat it all over you if you do "xyz" or something similar.
7) If he says he didn't really want to marry his x but....
He doesn't take responsibility for himself. He said "I do" and lacks honesty,
courage and integrity.
8) If he is late one time...he should call.
Does it again and he is either rude or in the hospital..or should be in the hospital!
9) If he brags about how much money he makes
he wants you to be impressed with him, it is about him and stroking his ego.
10) If he stops by your home or your work announced...
he knows nothing about appropriate boundaries and manners...and this foretells
real problems.
more later
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Join Date: Mar 2008
Location: md
Posts: 3,042
Here are a couple more:
1. Right away, within a couple of days or weeks, he begins calling you several times a day. It feels flattering at first, but it signals neediness and a lack of awareness of boundaries.
2. If he's "looking for a job" or "temporarily staying in a halfway house" and you are established, let him find a job and his own place before you date him unless you enjoy being your boyfriends' mom.
3. If he is in recovery from addiction, let him get at least couple of years under his belt before you date. No matter how irresistible he seems, relapses are very common in early recovery. And a new relationship can put just enough stress on him to make one likely.
Love,
KJ
1. Right away, within a couple of days or weeks, he begins calling you several times a day. It feels flattering at first, but it signals neediness and a lack of awareness of boundaries.
2. If he's "looking for a job" or "temporarily staying in a halfway house" and you are established, let him find a job and his own place before you date him unless you enjoy being your boyfriends' mom.
3. If he is in recovery from addiction, let him get at least couple of years under his belt before you date. No matter how irresistible he seems, relapses are very common in early recovery. And a new relationship can put just enough stress on him to make one likely.
Love,
KJ
Member
Join Date: Nov 2002
Location: Bristol TN/VA
Posts: 12,431
11) If he always calls at the last minute for spontaneous dates, get-togethers
You are a convenience.
12) IF he blows off friends or other plans to be with you...
He will do the same to you later.
13) If he suggests you cook for him, so he can see your style...
He needs a mommy. And probably a maid.
You are a convenience.
12) IF he blows off friends or other plans to be with you...
He will do the same to you later.
13) If he suggests you cook for him, so he can see your style...
He needs a mommy. And probably a maid.
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